A Fool's Errand

As a special Easter Monday treat, E and I had our very long- awaited appointment with the RE at the Ass Con clinic.

It's taken me a couple of days to recover, actually. I had to fix my hair, which was badly disheveled from the emotional rollercoaster ride, and to unwad my panties- which were in such an almighty bunch, I could barely walk, never mind sit at the computer.

For starters, from the minute we left the house, the trip to the Ass Con clinic was a little....fraught. The weather was horrendous. It rained all day, a grim relentless downpour, the kind where you get soaked just running to the car. We left in plenty of time, but since it was Easter weekend, and a public holiday here, we figured there wouldn't be much traffic.

We figured wrong. So very wrong. The roads were absolutely chock-o-block with cars. Clearly everyone had had enough of sitting around the house stuffing their faces with chocolate eggs, and had decided to head out for a little spin.

Several miles before the hospital, we came around the roundabout, and saw the long stream of red tail lights, going...nowhere. E. groaned.

"That's it. We're going to miss this appointment."

Now. If we were to make a list of things that one never ever says to a grumpy infertile woman, then "We are going to miss the appointment, for which we waited four months, because of a traffic jam" would be right up there, don't you think?

I did that thing- where I roar very loudly. There might also have been some pounding of my tiny fists on the dashboard. The force of my rage must have pushed the cars out of the way, because we made it through, got parked and ran ran ran through the raindrops into the clinic BANG on TIME.

And so, we met with yet another doctor. The first thing he asked was if I had any "papers" for him. I knew what he meant, of course. He meant that fucking HFEA questionnaire, which E. and I had filled out the night before, and which so incensed me I shall have to write yet another post about it. So more on that another time.

He also, foolishly, asked me my opinion about said questionnaire, and I duly mouthed off for awhile as E. tried to kick me gently in the shins. Happily, the doctor pretty much agreed with me that it is a pile of nonsense. Unfortunately, that was about the last time we saw eye-to-eye.

We began discussing the treatment plan, and lo! the diagrams appeared. Sometimes, when all this sketching is taking place, I am convinced that rather than illustrate the reproductive cycle, they are secretly conducting some sort of Rorschach Test.

Also, a lot of percentages were quoted. In fact, this doctor was so jacked up on success rates and numbers, I shall deem him "Dr Percent". Not a very catchy name, but hopefully this post will be one of the last times I ever have to refer to him. He then began talking about the timetabling for IVF. For us, the soonest we could do IVF at the Ass Con clinic would be six or seven months from now. This was not at all unexpected, though still disappointing. As the IVF chat progressed apace, I raised my eyebrows, and interjected,

"Of course, we'll be doing an IUI first, though, right?"

Dr Percent glared at me.

"Why do you want to do an IUI?" he asked, leaning back in his chair with his arms folded across his chest in a defensive manner. You'd have thought I had just suggested sacrificing a few goats to the Hungarian Fertility Goddess Boldog.

"Well, Dr Ticktock said....he told us...that was the next step. That we could easily arrange it. You know, data gathering, less invasive than IVF, etc, " I spluttered.

"We don't do IUIs here," he said. "They don't work. The success rates are bad. The percentages are....." Scribble, scribble of numbers and figures.

WHAT? WHATWHATWHAT? He might as well have said that they had discovered the earth is actually flat. I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say. He seized that moment of hesitation to quickly segue back into talking about how all the shots I would need to do for IVF were really "no big deal." Accompanied by a disturbing repeated jabbing motion toward his left thigh.

To cut what is becoming a long story short, we agreed that we could do an IUI if we really wanted to, even though it "wouldn't work". And the waiting list for that? Three more months. Even though it wouldn't work. In case we missed that- the "wouldn't work" part.

Oh, and getting my E2 tested? Cue another dismissive wave. According to Dr Percent, I don't need that either.

Then Dr Percent, with a perfunctory farewell handshake, handed us over to the nurse, who made an appointment for us to come back in July for another chat. Oh, and she didn't think the IUI was a good idea either.

"Just have sexual intercourse!" she giggled. Gee, I thought, slapping a hand to my forehead, why the fuck didn't WE think of that? Just have us some sec-shoooo-ul innnterrrrcoooooorse. Whilst relaxing, of course.

And as she proceeded to merrily start setting out the calender for the next IVF appointment, I promptly burst into tears. They really should put some fucking Kleenex tissues in these rooms, you know- that paper towel was very scratchy on my soft peachy complexion. Afterwards, because the afternoon had not been hellish enough, we went grocery shopping, which I loathe, and the stupid cow from the pharmacy gave me the wrong prescription. And then I had a bath and cried some more.

So what do I take from all that? Having sat back and Googled on it awhile, I can sort of see Dr Percent's point about IUIs. I'm not stupid, I know the success rates are not great. But to go straight to IVF- do not pass go, do not collect IUI- just seems so... drastic. Is it just me or does that seem drastic? Also, I know there has to be some professional medical detachment, but they talk about IVF like it's ordering out for a goddamn pizza. And neither of us got a good feeling about the place. We do have other good options for clinics- and if at all possible, I'd prefer it if there was no way in this lifetime that Dr Percent gets anywhere near my cooter.

I guess what is most upsetting is that I was really hoping from the bottom of my equine heart that on this, our third trip to that clinic, we would finally, after all these months and months of waiting, see some action. I suppose deep down, I truly thought he would kindly wave his magic wand, hand me some Clomid, and away we'd skip, IUI bound this cycle. I had told myself I would surely be pregnant by May.

Instead it turned out to be yet another total waste of time. A fool's errand, the sole purpose of which was to undergo what I (belatedly) realised was the Ass Con's "Welfare of the Not-Yet-Even Conceived Child" assessment.

OK. Roll on Plan B.

Comments

[Jen]

Aw, crap. I'm so sorry that after all this time and build-up, it was so disappointing. What a horrible attitude they gave you. And would he like to tell Wendy and Lori and all the other women who have gotten pregnant with them that IUIs don't work?

I think it's only fitting that Dr. Percent should play the role of the woman undergoing an IVF procedure. I wonder, would he be so quick to recommend it, if HE were the one receiving the shots and invasive cooter action?

So sorry, sweetie. Hope you've got some chocolates to get you through this.

[Emily]

I'm sorry Mare.

I hate doctors, especially when they give the dismissive wave, or shrug of the shoulders.

I've got some chocolate for you.

Kisses.

[persephone]

Mare, I literally had this conversation with an IVF vet three days ago. After three IUIs that not only didn't work, but gave me no new information, I'm beginning to believe they're a waste of time too. But you know what? I don't regret doing them anyway. I needed that time to ease into it. IVF is scary partly because it's the last step; I couldn't handle for it to be my first step, too.

I dumped my first doctor for exactly this reason: she tried to intimidate me into going faster than I wanted to, by throwing statistics and worst case scenarios at me. Yeah, I know the statistics, but they're not everything.

Roll on Plan B, my friend.

[Amanda]

Well, crap. I'm so sorry. We went straight to IVF but only because of our diagnosis. I honestly don't know what we'd have done if we had been in the unexplained category. I know the decision would have been much harder to make. Knowing that it was IVF or nothing with my husband's sperm is what made the decision to do IVF as easy as such a decision can be. I'm sorry this crap is so hard. I hope Plan B leads you to the right course of action for you.

[Suz]

We went straight from "just relaxing" to IVF in one fell swoop, literally. Our first RE, told us that we had prohibitive male factor in the same breath that he told us that IVF with ICSI was probably going to be the only way we'd ever conceive. Even so, I wish that we had done a medicated IUI first if for no other reason than to determine how my body would respond to drugs.

I'm so sorry that this RE didn't understand the diagnostic virtues of IUI and that something you had looked forward to for so long turned out to be so unhelpful. Looking forward to hearing more about Plan B.

[Anna H.]

Good Lord, tell me the nurse *did not* say that.

Pleeeeease?

Because I woulda! I woulda! I woulda cried right then and there too, and later in my bathwater as well.

So sorry that was so sucky in every way, dear Mare.

Thinking of you.

xxoo

[cass]

"Just have sexual intercourse!"

Gah! (Sorry, I have to stop to slap myself out of the stupor this has induced......)

Okay then. Glad that's out of the way. It seems no IF journey is complete without a totally insensitive and uninformed statement from someone who should really know better. And here you've had two in one day. Here's hoping you've filled your quota for a while (ha!) and have smoother sailing with the folks at Plan B.

[Pamplemousse]

Mare, that comment from the nurse is the first thing they teach them in the Scottish nursing school.

I agree with you that it is a bit drastic that they are not doing IUI first. I never made it to IUI for various reasons but I at least got loads of practice in with the shots. The needles are so daunting when it is your first time.

I think it is definitely time for Plan B.

[Soper]

Shite.

And Bitch.

And, um, any other weird UK slang you can throw in that means "Crap."

[ovagirl]

Ghastly. From the shithouse traffic to the doctor and nurse horror act. I so feel for you. Our first foray into infertility-land saw the IVF diagnosis straight away - HSG results unseen (and apparantly uneccessary). What...is it a trophy bagging thing for these people? It was all too much too soon. After 4 months of traditional chinese medicine, we are having a couple of cycles to chill and then IUI-ing it too. We just need to take the small steps before we go the big guns.

And that nurse - what happened to the red cards?! I think two - one rammed up each flaring nostril.

[lobster girl]

Nimrods! Asses! That doctor sounds hellish and not at all helpful. The success rates may not be as high for IUI as for IVF, but I still think it's worth it, for obvious reasons. But would I have thought an IUI was worth doing if I had to wait three months for the first try? I don't know, maybe not. Why can't they do it sooner!!! What is wrong with these people? Fuming for you right now.

[Dead Bug]

God, what a prick. Yeah, IUI's don't have the best success rates, but for fuck's sake, why not TRY? It can't hurt anything, they don't cost much and it might just do the trick.

And the IVF injections? I'm here, in black and blue and green and yellow, with a Lupron headache and the emotional stability of a toddler slamming back sugar shots, to tell you that they ARE a big deal. Not a huge deal--not a deal-breaker, perhaps--but a pretty goddamned big commitment.

--Bugs

[Kristin]

Argh...how fucking infuriating. I am so sorry this didn't work the way you wished it to.

[deborah]

Well, since you asked...

I think a medicated IUI or two is a good way to go before IVF. Like Suz said, it gives the docs a chance to gauge how well your body will respond to the stims (which is nice info to have before you sell your soul to fund an IVF cycle). Of course, the downside is that you might end up with four or more follicles like I did, in which case the doctor will scare the shit out of you with stories of high-order multiples, you'll agonize over whether to proceed with the IUI, and then feel like a real fool when you eventually get that BFN. (Oops...sorry...that was my own nasty flashback. Your result will undoubtedly be of a more positive ilk, I'm sure. ;-)

Good luck with Plan B, my friend. Here's hoping it stands for "better."

[Expat]

I went straight to IVF.

Who wants to muck around with 17%???? And the risk of twins, or cancellation.

It's the same number of jabs, it's a session on your back with a doctor putting things up your twat (well, two if you're lucky). And if you're lucky you get further chances from FETs.

Do you really have time to waste?

[Sara in London]

awww, bollocks. What a shitty day Mare, It's so painful to wait but not know what it is you're waiting for. And the as for that paperwork; it's heartbreaking in its unfairness.

I think I'd have smacked that nurse in the chops.

take care hun,

sara xx

[Tertia]

i am biased, i hate iui's, think they are a total waste of time and money. my philosophy is: if some one else is paying, do the iui's. if you;re paying go straight to ivf, dont waste your money. wish i hadn't wasted mine.

sending you lots of love

xxx

[Kinneret]

I'm sorry your appointment was hellish and the staff were assholes. Yeesh.
Good luck with plan B.
Man, they really were assholes. Not the good kind, either.

[Thalia]

Mare,
I am in the same dilemma. Although when i said to our fertility doc that "the success rates for IUI are really bad" he said, defensively "but ours are the best in the country". He still thinks it might be worth it for us because of the non-invasiveness although we would have to pay. Our health authority won't pay for IUI but will pay for 1 round of IVF. But then IUIs are pretty cheap in comparison, and we won't get an NHS IVF appt until sept at the earliest.
Having a best friend who got pregnant on IUI first time, twice, with no meds, I am inclined to give it one go. But YMMV.
Thalia

[Sherry]

Mare, I'm so sorry. What a crummy appointment.

I hope you're able to convince him to do the IUI sooner rather than later. I know the statistics aren't in your favor, but you just never know.

[susan]

What an terrible, horrible day. So sorry, Mare. I'm intrigued by the IUI debate. I had three - that didn't work, but they learned a lot from the first one at least (that I'm a poor responder and that they needed to give me the dosage reserved for large elephants). I think it does depend on the costs and wait times, but at least one trial run (IUI) would certainly add good info and give you some comfort level with the process (not that "comfort" is exactly the right word to use when shots are involved). Good luck sorting through all this.

And unbefuckinglievable about the nurse. Honestly!

[Amyesq]

Oh for fucks sake. (I mean fud fook's seek!) That is riduculous. The Ass Con Centre is slower than mud. Does anyone else see the irony of the fact that they don't want to "waste your time" with an IUI, but they have already wasted, like, six months getting their shit together?

So, is it back to the OC? I say in June you and I take turns buying each other drinks. Very alcoholic drinks. And chocolate. And shoes, for that matter.

[Menita]

Bastard.
And that nurse is unbelievable.
You know, one of the reasons I love my RE is that he and his wife had to use ART to conceive their children, so there was never any question "got it."
Oh please, please, if other clinics are an option stay the hell away from that jerk.
Here’s to plan B.
Assholes.

[patricia]

If they will pay for and IUI while you are waiting, then why not try it? Rates aren't great, but people do get pregnant. Besides what else will you be doing until JULY!! Fuck.

It's sad, yet strangely comforting that insensitive fertility doctors and nurses are a worldwide phenomenon. I'm sorry.

[moogielou]

Sorry Mare. Clinic angst sucks.

Hang in there!!!