Red Card

E. has a number of peculiar quirks that I find endearing, possibly because he is so different from me. For example, I tend to avoid background noise whenever possible. If I am trying to concentrate, I prefer silence. I cannot bear to have the television or radio on if I am on the phone. And apart from the occasional exuberant belting of Broadway showtunes in the shower, I also observe a sort of monastic quietude when I am home alone.

E., on the other hand, likes a running soundtrack. Much of the time he creates his own. He whistles, he hums, he carries on private monologues with himself out loud as he is cooking, driving, or trying to remember where he left his sunglasses. He cannot bear to eat dinner without music playing. And the first thing he does in the morning upon getting out of bed is turn on the radio.

Specifically, he tunes in to a sports talk show. To my ears, this program sounds like blahblahblah sports blahblahblah football ("soccer" to you Americans out there) blahblahblah. People phone up to express their views on the minutiae of the game, dissecting every detail in every play, every tactic, every move. For hours. And hours. And hours. Occasionally there is a little digression to talk about something like horseracing, but then it's back to football.

I don't know if I can accurately convey to you the the absolute obsession with which some people follow football here, but let me tell you, it's pretty all consuming.

My interest in football extends mainly to observing the trends in David Beckham's hair and tattoos. I also get relatively animated about the game during the World Cup. But that's because there is usually a football pool on the go, and if my team win I get something like £10 or so as prize money. Plus it's hard to escape it during World Cup time, as the whole country seems to grind to a halt when the England games are on. But otherwise, all the football chat sort of washes over me in a wave...

One thing, though, that I have picked up, partly from this barrage of radio chat and partly from watching the odd game here and there, is the notion of a "red card". For those of you who like me who are hopeless ignorant about soccer/football, this basically means a player gets ejected from the game for bad behaviour or misconduct, like a malicious foul. The player cannot then be replaced. The referee doesn't even have to say anything, he just holds up a red card, and off the player must go. Like David Beckham! During the World Cup against Argentina! Because, like a dickhead, he kicked that guy! And England lost because of it! And it was oooo, dramatic!

I've decided that it would be really useful to have Infertility Red Cards. You know, for those scenarios when somebody has said something so unbelievably stupid or crass that it doesn't even warrant discussion or explanation. Just hold up the red card and bam! That person is summarily ejected from the room/conversation/relationship.

I'll give you an example. The other day, I was talking with my (now heavily pregnant) Team Leader near the end of a very tiresome working day, in which everything had gone badly. Another person came up and started chatting to us, and quickly realised from our hangdog expressions that Team Leader and I had had a growler of a day.

"I bet you two wish you could just head off to the pub and drown your sorrows," said the person. "Oh, well, I don't mean you, Team Leader, obviously, given your condition. Hahahaha. But you, Mare, you could go swally down a few pints if you felt like it, I bet. Unless, HAHAHA, there was something you were wanting to tell us. HAHAAHAHA."

Awkward pause. Team Leader and I exchanged pained glances.

Excruciatingly, the person then went on, TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS, and grinning like an inane loon. "There isn't anything though right, Mare? That you were wanting to tell us?" Nudge, nudge, wink wink.

See? Infertility Red card, right there.

Since then, I've mentally handed out at least two red cards a day. It's actually quite satisfying. Now if only I could devise a lifetime ban for some of these people...

Comments

[deborah]

Hmmm. E.'s sports talk show sounds suspiciously like the male equivalent of an infertility blog.

I like the idea of an Infertility Red Card, but tell me...does this have to replace flipping 'em the bird? Or can it be used in tandem?

[Miss W]

Oh how I want those cards, Mare! I can think of quite a few who have deserved them recently.

Starting to think that the sports world may just have something to offer the rest of us after all!

[jenn]

Awesome. And, depending on the day, you could entertain yourself picturing different celebrity refs whipping out the card. Pierluigi Collina, for example, could have sent the dumbass in your office off with a withering glare. (bald, strangely charismatic Italian ref. E. will know him.)

[JJ]

Trainee? Red Card
MIL? Red Card
SIL? Red Card

I love the idea. I'm going to start mentally red carding people ALL THE TIME.

[sweetisu]

This is better than "talk to the hand" gesture. I like it. Handing it out physically would be much more satisfying than mentally carding, I think.

We have the same noise preference at our house. Could it possibly be a gender thing?

[Emily]

The red card is sooooo much better than me giving them the finger and a scowl ;)

I'd like to fling a few cards here in my world...like 52 pick up.

[cass]

I am definitely on board with this red card thing - sounds tremendously satisfying.

And J turns on the TV while getting ready in the morning and then has it on as he's falling asleep. If the TV is on, I get sucked in, but he can just ignore it as white noise. I have never understood this. Though I do like music while I'm working, sometimes. But I'm picky about the tempo and the wordiness and all.

[-Blue]

Brilliant idea! I also need a sheaf of them. May they be used in any reproductive situation? Example: yesterday at the clinic, me vastly pregnant and trying to wrangle my toddlers (who were being very good) some twinkie asks me: "Hahah, I bet you wish ALL THE TIME that you didn't have ANY!"

Uhm, no. Having suffered through YEARS of infertility that's the LAST fucking thing to ever go though my mind.

Red Card.

-Blue (Newcastle footy fan!!!)

[Suz]

This is brilliant. I love it.

[OvaGirl]

So I'm at the local health food shop and I ask the Shop Assistant if they sell a fertility multivitamin thing for men. Hmmm, she says. We have zinc... Yes, I say, but this is a sort of all in one thing to help with problems with morphology and motility and all that. No, she says, sorry. We could order something in specially. Maybe you could try the (famous natural fertility clinic), I think they do vitamins now.
Yeah sure, I say, ok I'll just get the gluten free bread then.
Shop assistant rings it up and then faffs about with the change. Is that right? No hang on, I miscounted...no hang on it is right. Sorry about that.
That's ok, I say.
My head's all over the place, she says, giggling. I'm pregnant!

Red fucking card for you, dim insensitive bitch, AND your crappy counting skills.

[bj]

Hey B--

This is hilarious, because I have a friend (a guy, though, and not on infertility), who actually bought the soccer cards, and uses them. He's apparently been using them while driving. And, has started using them at dinner meetings. It's now a running joke with my group of friends that if say something bad you'll get carded. We've only used yellow cards so far, though. This confuses our guests, especially those who don't play "football".

bj

[Heather]

A friend of mine mentioned a somewhat similar concept about a year ago. His involved a rubber bullet. Anytime someone said or did anything rude/incosiderate/stupid/etc., the listener or observer was free to nail said person with a rubber bullet to the head, rendering him/her unconscious. The only stipulation was that the one who fired the bullet would be required to leave a citation for the one fired upon, so that upon awakening, he/she would understand exactly what he/she had said or done to merit the bullet. In this way, my friend thought we might ward off repeat offenders.

Don't get me wrong, the red card idea is great too. It's just that I enjoy the idea of inflicting a minor assault in the process.

[Amyesq]

Very good idea! A soccer player myself for many years, I am surprised I didn't think this one up sooner. I really could have used it last Saturday when I was at a party. I was introduced to a woman who was swilling it down pretty good. She asked me if I had kids and I said no. She said "Whew! You're lucky! HAHA" RED CARD! Out you go! We could even employee the yellow card when we think people are getting dangerously close to maximum asshatery.

-Amy (go Celtic and Hibs)

[Kristin]

Oooh...I love the idea of Infertility Red Cards!

And, btw, I totally understand the obsession with soccer. Here in NC, its an obsession with college basketball. I think the whole state shuts down during tournamnet time.