Unfinished Cookie

I am weaving, like a drunkard
Like a balloon up in the air
I am needing a puncture and someone
To point me somewhere

- Shawn Colvin, Steady On

A fellow blogger astutely observed some weeks ago that I spend a lot of time talking about our "plans", and rather less time discussing how I am feeling about things. So perhaps it's time to redress that imbalance a little bit.

I suppose part of the problem is that I have trouble articulating what I am feeling. For much of the time, I work on not feeling anything at all. This is actually a lot easier than you might think. E. and I are both busy people, and we have, apart from the infertility situation, the usual gamut of other things to occupy our time and and attention. I often wonder, if it weren't for the blog, if I would ever get around to talking about the emotional side at all.

In some ways, "just getting on with it" makes it easier to function. There isn't a whole lot I can do about the situation, other than work on ways to solve the problem. And so I am much more inclined to focus on planning, organising, and scheduling my way out of this mess. Planning is concrete. Scheduling is tangible. Getting out a calendar and cross-referencing my diary with E.'s diary is practical. Having a plan calls to my inner control freak with a clarion call- act, act, act. Do, do, do.

Of course, the most frustrating thing is that there is so much waiting around, and therefore, even that well-intended action plan is limited. But still, I hang my hat on the prospect of being able to logistically organise some sort of solution. And that in itself takes up so much time and energy that at the end of the day, there isn't much left over for long bouts of introspection. Or so I try to convince myself.

Unfortunately, if the subconscious is tamped down for long enough, it has its own ways of quietly rebelling. The best way I can think to descibe it is the "Unfinished Cookie" analogy.

The Unfinished Cookie phenomenon usually occurs when I am in the middle of eating a snacky thing while doing something else at the same time. In other words, I go to the cookie jar, select cookie, start eating it, and then wander off answer the phone, fold laundry, go to retrieve book left in other room, put on extra sweater because I am cold, check e-mail, etc. Off I trot, munching away...and then, because I tend to get distracted even further, I put down half-eaten cookie en route to wherever.

The thing is, no matter how off-piste I go, I always remember a few minutes later that there is a half eaten food item somewhere. Part of my brain says, "Oh, but you finished that, remember?" And my mouth says, "Nuh-uh. Cookie consumption incomplete."

So I roam around until I find where I left it, and lo! Uncannily, I am always right. I didn't finish it, and it is there waiting for me in partially gnawed snack cake form.

In some ways, the emotional side of our infertility problem is like that. I can put it down while I dash off to do other stuff- go to work, grocery shop, watch TV- but in the back of my mind, there is a nagging suspicion that something is left undone. It bubbles and troubles underneath everything else, and from time to time, it surfaces in an unexpected and sometimes ugly way.

Like having a meltdown at work. Or violently losing my temper when I discover that some part of our treatment plan has come unstuck. Like completely freaking out with fits of uncontrollable crying about being invited to a hastily organised wedding, because the bride is "oops pregnant". Or, like last night, having very weird dreams about being heavily pregnant myself, and feeling quite uneasy and distressed when I awoke.

I think I am always going to be the sort of person who bottles things up, or tamps things down. And in some ways, that's what works best for me. It lets me function, which in my own mind is paramount. I need, somehow or someway, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I do think there also ought to be a better means of relieving the pressure. To create a slow let out of steam rather than being astonished by a sudden ghastly explosion, or being dragged under by an insidious undertow.

And maybe it's as simple as a reminder that once in awhile, I should pick up the unfinished cookie, and talk about how I am feeling.

Comments

[deborah]

Beautiful post, Mare. Personally, I never, EVER put a cookie down once I start eating it, but I think that could be part of my problem.

We all have different ways of dealing with infertility. Sometimes talking about our feelings works, and sometimes it doesn't. You gotta do whatever works for you in the moment. There's no right or wrong, and at the end of the day, I think it's probably one big improvisation.

But rest assured...whenever you wanna talk, and whatever you want to talk about, I'll be more than happy to listen.

[deborah]

...and is it just me, or did your horse-graphic-thingy change?

[Amanda]

I'm just amazed that you can leave a cookie half eaten. I don't think a cookie's ever escaped its fate around me. Like Deborah said, we all have different ways of dealing with this crap. I'm sure my obsessed ways of dealing with it seem so wrong to others, but what's important is that it works for me. You gotta do what ya gotta do, ya know?

[Heidi]

Yes, I am a little stuck by the half-eaten cookie thing...but I get what you are saying anyway. When I was at my lowest, I painted a room and reorganized the office, just to do SOMEthing. ANYthing other than think about my woes. But the woes never went away, they just nagged at the back of my mind (and still do). We do what we have to do to get by. What works for some, does not necessarily work for all. But we are all here to listen, when you pick the cookie back up for anothe nibble (or gobble).

Side note: I was a Shawn Colvin groupie for awhile. Steady On is still my fav CD of hers. Love that song.

[Anna H.]

The thing is, I feel like I hear what you're feeling in all of your posts -- that's one of the things that I love so much about your blog and what I think makes you such a wonderful writer. Even when you're talking about the specifics of a plan (which those of us who are in no-plan-limbo-land love), your emotional life is woven so beautifully into all the details. How you're feeling in a particular situation is so evident in the telling.

I don't think your meltdown at work or fits of anger at delays in treatment or sobbing at the thought of a friend's oops pregnancy are the result of repression at all, my friend. You talk about, think about, process this stuff all the time -- you are doing all you can to live with it, make sense of it. And infertility is some heavy, heavy shit to face.

This reminds me of a woman we once saw at our RE's office -- she was having her blood drawn and talking very rapidly, shouting almost hysterically about how fine she was with the IF and the ART, no really just fine! It's not a big deal! It's ok! And our very kind RE took her hand and said to her, "No, it *is* a big deal. This is a really big deal. This is really, really hard."

Now *that* was repression. You, dear Mare, are *dealing* -- with incredible grace and courage, despite what your little celtic horse in the corner is doing right now. And with this blog, with every gorgeous, heartfelt word in it, you're helping the rest of us to deal too.

xxoo

[Mare]

Deborah, you're right, the horse graphicy changed. I felt the other one was just a tiny bit too big and distracting. Strictly speaking, that's a hound tying itself up in knots there, but I figured, really, let's not be too pedantic!

[Kristin]

Talking about how we are feeling can be hard because first we must admit our feelings to ourselves. I think you've done an admirable job dealing with it all.

[Amyesq]

I love your new graphic. There are so many wonderful ones on that site... I very much identify with your way of thinking. I think I am doing just fine until something sets me off and I just don't know what to do about it. Any time you want to "talk," we're here.

[Emily]

I knew someone who used to eat a snickers bar with a knife and it took her days to finish it. I was always appalled at that because I've never met anyone who can do that. I always eat like I'm being timed so I eat too fast. I shouldn't wonder why she's 110 pounds and well, I'm, um, *not*.

Mare, I'm hanging around your barn until you kick me out (or I run out of snickers, whichever comes first ;)). Seriously though, I'm here for the long haul, so whenever you want to talk, I'm here. I'm a good listener too because I usually have a mouth full of food and can't talk ;)

xxoo,
Em

[Soper]

I used to leave cups of coffee in the closet when I got ready for work in the mornings.

Not that that, you know, has anything to do with what you were talking about. I just thought I'd throw it out there since, you know, we are bonding and stuff.

Er, or something.