Assvice issued unwittingly over lunch

To my great dismay, I realised that I gave assvice to a friend- thereby proving that infertility has not granted me immunity from behaving like a complete asshole on occasion.

This friend is a sweet woman, who is some years younger than me. I don't know her that well- although well enough for her to confess to me over lunch the other day that she was recently dumped by a guy she had been seeing for about five or six months. She had liked him a great deal, and I gather she had some hopes that the relationship might go somewhere.

The details provided about the break-up (or should I say, break-off) were a bit sketchy. But it would seem that the dumping was carried out in a manner that was both cruel and unexpected, a combination which so upset my friend that she had to take a few days off work to pull herself together. She relayed this to me, bottom lip gently quivering above her salad fork.

As I listened to this, part of my brain was doing that awful thing where you start comparing pain. As in, you had to take time off work for that? For some guy you only dated for a couple of months? That? THAT IS NOTHING, SISTER. You don't know the meaning of the word pain. Here, have a slice of infertility. I've been tasting that bitterness for almost two years now, and have yet to take so much as a day off!

But then the more compassionate part of my brain quickly grappled for supremacy. As one who has had her own fair share of soul-shattering rejections, I could certainly relate to her story. Nor can I deny that getting your heart broken by some jerk does suck its own particular brand of ass.

So I nodded and made soothing noises. And then just when we were nearly out of the heartbreak main course, and onto dessert, there was an unfortunate lapse into assviceness on my part.

"I'm sure you'll meet someone else," I chirruped. "Other fish in the sea, more deserving of you, blah blah blah. But of course, the key to meeting someone is to not try. As soon as you're not looking, that's when you'll meet some. If you're not looking, it's bound to happen."

As I was saying these words, I felt a peculiar sort of rumbling in my sub-conscious, accompanied by a muted alarm claxon.

*DANGER* *DANGER* Corruption of key message! Code red! You have deviated into assvice! Deviation! Deviation! Take evasive action! Dive, dive!

But I ignored it, and carried on with my platitudes, until I caught sight of my friend's face. She had a strange look in her eyes. There was something about it that was remarkably...familiar. What could be? Oh yes, it's the same pained expression I have worn for the last eighteen months or so while I have been on the receiving end of more assvice than you can shake a stick at.

Um, whoops. I suddenly came to my senses and remembered that if you have just been dumped by someone you really like, that last thing you want to hear right about now is that you'll meet someone else, or that better still, it will happen while you're "not looking". It's the Dating & Relationship Equivalent of "just relax"! And I said it!

Ugh. I suddenly feel the need to flagellate myself with a cat-o-nine tails. A flogging blogger. Or possibly I will just go exfoliate quite vigorously, as that is probably good for the circulation anyway.

Comments

[ManhattanAnne]

Blogger Flogger!!! Too funny. How about a Mare-hair shirt? Seriously, send that woman some chocolate chip cookies...

[sweetisu]

I hope you don't kick yourself too hard. We're all just human. No one is immune to assvice-giving. No one -- at least I have never met anyone capable of such thing. It's great you acknowledge it before it ended. Curious, how did the conversation end?

[Anna]

Unfortunately I had a similar lunch yesterday with a friend who recently discovered her boyfriend had been having a relationship with another woman (not just a one nighter...a relationship, ouch)... and I did the same thing...
Then, I felt so bad that I felt like I needed to share my infertility trials with her (we're not that friendly but...) but I could tell that just made her think, "well at least you have someone to try to have children with...."
It was such a no-win.

[deborah]

He he. "Flagellate" is one of those words that sounds dirty, but isn't. Kind of like "cocktail" or "probe."

Something tells me you probably managed to salvage the conversation, am I right?

[Pamplemousse]

Unfortunately, assvice is only a slip of the tongue away but I assure you, you are not alone in this kind of lapse. I do it all the time. I am sure your friend will forgive you for it....eventually.

[zarqa]

I do the same thing. And I feel the same way, surprisingly, towards people who have experienced infertility but haven't experienced infertility and stillbirth. When it's not about comparing pains at all. I have yet to meet anyone who is capable of unmitigated compassion...someone who can be close to you as well, that is. Because with closeness comes foot-in-the-mouth-ness. It's inevitable.

[Reprogirl]

Mare, infertility (or maybe innate coolness and good sense) has given you the insight to understand what your friend felt and connect it to what you've been through - and, here's the key, to GET it. This is such a wonderful post. I can't count how many times people have given me that stupid "you'll find someone when you're not looking" mantra. It's funny, they are often the same people who say maybe I should go to bars more often or try internet dating. (While not looking. Presumably). I can go on and on and on trying to explain to people why this nugget makes no sense and why it makes me crazy, but all they here is blablablablabla. They do not get it. You get it. That's what counts. So it will not be necessary to proceed with the flagellation.

[MsPrufrock]

Phew...I'm glad I'm not the only one that has been guilty of mentally comparing levels of pain when trying to be supportive. I worked with a woman that took off 3 months off when she broke up with her boyfriend. I pretended to be sympathetic, all the while thinking, "Woman...if you only knew real pain!" which I know is unfair.

The difference between us and them while doling out assvice is that we realise as we're saying it that it's crap! Most proponents of assvice think they are genuinely offering helpful information. Prats.

[Amyesq]

Well, good for you for at least realizing you were dishing out the infertile equivalent of "Take a trip to Italy! You'll feel better!" If nothiing else, one thing years of hellishnes teaches us is empathy.

[Julianna]

You are so hilarious! I hope you still have some skin left from the exfoliating.

Take care.