In which I doth gently jest

It's shaping up to be a busy week here. We have our consult at the O.C. on Thursday, and then on Saturday we have to drive half the length of Great Britain to go to a wedding. I hope we can manage to hear the happy couple reciting their vows over the sound of shotguns cocking. The bride, of course, is pregnant.

Speaking of weddings, I was cheered up no end by the recent arrival of what has got to be the most absurd wedding invitation in the history of the world. I would stress that in the normal run of things, I would not stoop to snark on someone's nuptial invites. But in this case, Ye Who Invites Only One Half of a Long-Term and Very Committed Despite not Being Married Themselves Couple, Without So Much as Acknowledging the Existence of the Other Half, Deserves Ye to Be Mocked Forthwith.

I wasn't invited, therefore I can mock. Please note, if you are especially fond of Tudor themed costume weddings, or indeed have held such an event yourself, you will probably be offended by what follows and should look away now.

The wedding invitation arrived in a sealing cardboard mailing tube. Upon wresting it forth, E. and I were immediately doused in some sort of patchouli scent. Rose petals flew out all over our clothes and the floor (which by the way, I had just swept). The invitation (FOR E. ONLY) was printed on an elaborate parchment scroll, letters penned in swirling calligraphy.

"The theme of the wedding is Tudor Henry (circa 1536)".

I just love that level of precision. It's not just Tudor, people, it's circa 1536. The year Henry VIII wooed and wed Jane Seymour! Also the year he executed Anne Boleyn so that he could marry Miss Seymour a mere 11 days after the sword falling on his former wife's neck. But let us not mention that little trifling unpleasantness. Nor let us dwell on the fact that, notwithstanding all the little ups and downs of 1536, Henry was not exactly what I would call a role model for marital bliss. No, let us move swiftly on to a happier topic- guest's attire.

"Guests are requested to wear attire ranging from an old monk's habit to elaborate titled gentry costumes. Please note, this is not a fancy dress party. Anyone wearing modern clothes will be the ODD one out". And no doubt pelted with tomatoes, or summarily beheaded for treason.

The bride-to-be kindly supplied a second scroll with some, um, suggested ideas for costumes. I particularly like the one labeled "waffles", supposedly meant to illustrate a scene of cozy medieval domesticity, but which will hopefully inspire someone to go dressed as a breakfast pastry.

."Entertainment will be typical of the period." What, public executions? Jousting? Groping of comely wenchs?

"Remember, it is probably not a good idea to wear your best, as there will be no napkins or tablecloths. Or plates." In other words, don your second-best Tudor frock, girls. We wouldn't want any unsightly stains down the front of our favourite ball gowns, would we? I am sure the monks in their old habits will be OK though.

This marvel of Tudor madness then concludes:

"We hope you will join us on our happy day blah blah, which is so many years in coming. Look foward to seeing you blah blah blah. The theme is to have fun blah blah blah. For those of you who were at my last wedding, it's 21 years and one day later."

Now, call me crazy, but I am sure somewhere in Emily Post's etiquette book, there is a rule about how one should refrain from sending wedding invitations which casually mention one's previous wedding. Just a hunch.

Sadly, E.'s suit of armour is at the drycleaners, so he'll just have to pass on the happy event. Of course, he is devastated to be missing out on the chance to partake of wine or beer served in his "very own souvenir tankard or goblet".

On the upside, in blogging about this, I came across a handy quiz to help ascertain which wife of Henry the Eighth I am, I am. According to the quiz results, the answer to this burning question is that I am Katherine Parr, a well-bred bookworm with a passion for handsome rogues.

You?

Update: For those of you who clicked the link earlier and thought to yourselves, "But where is the quiz? Yon quizzeth is not before mine eyes!" Well, I had the link slightly wrong. Pray forgive me. 'Tis fixed now. Proceedeth.

Comments

[sweetisu]

Wow. That's the funniest invite I've ever read. Too bad you'll miss it - eating with your fingers and all. And I assume there's no gift registery, coz you know, they didn't have those back then, right?

Pardon my ignorance. How many wives did he have???

I turned out to be Jane Seymour:

Jane Seymour was Henry's third wife. Jane was a mild woman, but she could also be a brave peace-maker: she urged Henry to reconcile with his estranged daughter Mary, and she spoke up when Henry was hanging monks left and right. (Suggesting things to Henry was very difficult, as he might throw a turkey leg at you or have you thrown in gaol)

Yea. Me and my big mouth.

I found the questionaire interesting. vibrating underpants. Hehee. And I used to own a Pooh courduroy overall, NOT kidding. And not so long ago too.

[Wavery]

Yikes, I guess that's a good way to pare down your guest list.
I am Anna of Cleaves, couldn't get the guy to go all the way because of my ugly shoes. And what's a butt bauble?

[deborah]

Another Katherine Parr here, book-loving rogue ho.

I thought you might be pulling our collective leg with this invitation, but then I realized you can't make this kind of shit up.

[Kate]

How fun! I love a good quiz...kooky wedding invites are another story. I was exclusively forbidden from attending my bil's wedding, so don't feel too bad.

I, too, am Anna of Cleves. Wouldn't mind a fat yearly allowance and a good party or two myself!

[Amy]

Oh. My. God. It is so utterly horrifying and wonderful entertaining at the same time. I think I would actually debate sending him just for the pure comedy value alone. I mean isn't it tempting to send him off in honor of the joyful occasion wearing this
http://www.buycostumes.com/ProductDetail.aspx?ProductID=11308&PCatID=adultcostumes&ccatid=adultmedievalrenaissance

As my husband always says when faced with such situations, "thank you comedy gods". I mean seriously, the stories you could tell after that one. Now there is just the matter of picking out the perfect gift for the happy bride and her second husband...hum...maybe something like this
http://www.crayonsoup.net/7002852.html

[Soper]

Oh, please go! And then you can dress as bitter, haggard crone! And E can go as a lacivious Oliver Cromwell!

Oh, and I'm Anna of Cleves. Oh yeah, the ugly one. http://spookbot.com/quiz/cleves.htm

[Anna H.]

Oh, that is beautiful -- please make E go, so he can report back! To be a fly on the wall at that wedding...

And am I the only one who's Catarina of Aragon, despite the fact that I want to screw strangers until dawn and wear vibrating undies? (Ok, so I want to snuggle on the couch, too -- can't a girl have it all?)

"Catarina was Henry's first wife and was probably the only one of his six wives to truly love him. He tired of her, and she spent the last decade of her life in lonely exile. Yet when she was dying, alone and unloved, she wrote: "Lastly, I make this vow, that mine eyes desire thee above all things. Farewell."

*sigh*

xxoo

[Menita]

Catherine of Aragon here.
Oh please, please, please can't he go?
That invitation is priceless. Do you have friends who are going who can report back?

[Jen/VintageUterus]

Yeah, I'm with Soper and Anna... YE MUST GO, YOUNG MAIDEN! Hilarious! I love it!!

[Linda]

I am Catharine of Aragon.

*Sigh*

How romantic. I think the earth just rotated backwards along with equal rights.

[baby hungry man]

Im katherine Howard.
I admit it. I went for the butt bauble.

I think you should go too - if only to be able to yell "HUZZAH!" when they ask if anyone knows why these insane freaks shouldnt marry.

also you can get your attire here
http://www.fashionsintime.com/html/renaissance_faire_wedding.html
turns out your friends aren't the only ones with this crazy idea of a fun wedding.

[Cricket]

I vote for court jester. Bring some mutton legs to juggle, wear an obnoxious hat and really loud bells.

[Amyesq]

Wow, that invite is just so wrong on many levels. Still, the wedding sounds like it would be fun. Big dry cleaning bill, for E's suit of armor, but perhaps he could hose it down.

-Anna of Cleaves

[VHMPrincess]

send him - with a camera!

[beaver girl]

i'm also catarina of aragon. sigh. how can you let him pass up the opportunity to attend such a horrible event which will no doubt be mocking material for years to come? please. life is short. make him go.

[dish]

Oh, yes- do send him! We want to read all about it.

And I was Jane Seymour.

[Julia S]

*eyebrows raised so far they are now down my back*

They did not include you in this invitation?

I am speechless. I am trying to figure out if they have left even one social convention untrampled and I am forced to conclude they have not. Thus the gods of etiquette will not be smiling upon their little costume party and most likely it will rain. Or hail.

PS The "theme" for a wedding is traditionally considered to be "marriage."

Faugh.

Apparently I am Catherine of Aragorn as well. Poor thing.

[Garnigal]

Despite the fact that like Anne Boleyn, my fave of the wives, I had an extra thumb on my right hand, I'm the Flanders Mare, ole horse face herself, Camilla - I mean Anne of Cleves.

[Emily]

I'm Catarina Aragon as well. I wonder, was it all the food references? I was kind of hoping to be the wife that swung her *own* cleaver at Henry.

I'm disappointed that you won't be able share the details of what is sure to be one of the tackiest weddings ever. TACKY. I'm NOT a fan of 'theme' weddings. My SIL, ol sensible shoes herself, had a theme wedding. It was 'Cinderella'. I kid you not. Barforama. And she's older than me, by two years and I got married at 37 -- so surely, much too old for sending out Disney wedding invitations about 'dreams coming true' and having a wedding cake topper as Cinderella and her Prince sitting in their coach. Yeah, and we're not close, I wonder why. GAG.

[Tertia]

how rude that they didn't invite you, assholes!!

[Menita]

You know, I've been thinking you should at least send a theme-appropriate gift. A sow and two chickens might do the trick. Or fine, if you really want to show off, send a cow.

[Pamplemousse]

Still goggling and gobsmacked at the invitation of E only and also the reference to the previous marriage! How old is this person now?

Boring old Katharine Parr here too!

[Danae]

I...I...I just can't stop laughing!

[moogielou]

Another Catherine of Aragon here.

How fucking rude of them not to invite you. In very poor taste.

So. I think you should BOTH attend and come in Star Trek costumes - you as the green lady and E as Captain Christoper Pike perhaps?

[Heidi]

Anna of Cleves here. (And that quiz sucks. I do NOT have ugly shoes!)

If E doesn't go, I hope you have other friends who plan to attend. Somebody must document this horrific event in pictures.