Not waving but drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

-Stevie Smith

I decided recently to come at least part way out of the IVF/infertility closet, by operating on a "if you ask, I'll tell" basis.

People notice when I disappear off for an afternoon to the doctor. People worry when I allude to possibly needing a leave of absence from work in the autumn, but don't give a reason. In the long term, keeping any sort of treatment secret entails a lot of evasiveness, making up excuses, or possibly even downright lying. I find all that exhausting, and I no longer have the energy for it. Arranging and co-ordinating treatment in the OC is going to be complicated enough asit is without extra tap-dancing around the subject with friends and colleagues.

I decided to be practical and pragmatic. It's none of anyone else's business, but I have nothing to be ashamed of. We have a medical problem, one which requires medical assistance. Of course I would not intend to go shouting it from the rooftops, or making up buttons that say "I'm Infertile! Ask me how!" But if I were to be asked a direct question, or if it would otherwise make my life easier to come clean, then I decided- I would admit the truth. Barren, but forthright.

Before, I was afraid to tell anyone. I worried that in addition to be judged and criticised, I would receive annoying, hurtful or insulting assvice. I worried that I would undergo treatment, and it would fail, and then I would have to endure pitying looks, or more unbearable platitudes. I worried that if I was upfront about our situation, all this and more might happen.

But then I mentally shook myself, like a shaggy dog just out of the river. What's to lose? The only thing to fear from assvice is the assvice itself!

How ironic then that, having girded myself for the looks, the inappropriate comments, and some general insensitivity, I find that what I have mostly received thus far is indifference. This annoys me. After all, there is nothing more irritating than having psyched oneself up for a big gut wrenching and climactic confession, only to find that, guess what? Nobody gives a shit! It's not hot news, it's non- news.

Thing is, this should not come as a big surprise. Generally speaking, what interests people most in life is themselves. And why not? Life is complicated and messy, and at any one time there are a thousand and one different problems, dilemmas and other personal matters with which to otherwise preoccupy the self. Aging parents. A wayward teenager. A philandering husband. Mounting credit card debt. A career crisis. Leaking roof, a faulty dishwasher, an ugly dispute with a neighbour over the height of a hedge or boundary of a lawn. Depression. Addiction. The government conspiracy that we should have tracking chips implanted in our heads (what, you hadn't heard about that? Further proof that the truth is being SUPPRESSED).

In short, many people are so involved with their own "stuff" that all they do is nod, smile, possibly ask a few vague and general questions. Then they quickly go back to what's really important to them- their own stuff.

Oh, there have been some half-hearted attempts at sympathy and understanding, but within five minutes of explaining the dragons on my horizon- needles, nasal sprays, dildo-cams- their eyes are glazing. It seems even harder for people to take an interest if they have never encountered or experienced infertility in their own lives, if there is no parcel of pain matching that description in their personal Life Baggage.

Admittedly, I think it might be slightly different if I was presenting this as an emotive issue- but I'm not. Just the facts, stated in a calm, direct manner. Sometimes I've even smiling and rolling my eyes when I say it- as in "oh, silly me. This darn infertility thing, I'll be spending my summer vacation in the hospital. Har har har, what a hoot".

There may be no obvious signal of any undercurrent of stress or anguish- and so while certain parts of the message may get through, much is lost. The channels of reception cannot quite catch my frequency. It's like a dog whistle, shrill and high beyond the range of human ears, or talking on the telephone over a crossed wire.

Lost in the waves of life-static, it is so hard to convey that right now, I am much further out than they think. Not waving, but drowning.

Comments

[Betsy]

Had to delurk on this one as Beaver Girl and I were just discussing this the other day.

I am planning on telling no one about infertility treatments unless either specifically asked or they mention they have been through them. (Have told a few family members and close friends who try, but really don't get it.)

My reasoning? Before I even started trying, there were 2 women on my street going through IVF. One, in particular, I was somewhat friendly with, but not very close. She repeatedly tried to talk to me about IVF and all that it entailed. I would listen to a degree, but wasn't really that interested and never asked any question other than about the physical stuff. Never even gave a thought to the emotional stuff. I mean, take a few shots and you end up with a baby. What's the big deal? I did not know anyone who had gone through IVF and didn't get pregnant the first try.

I so remember not being an IF patient and assuming I was fertile. I couldn't begin to identify with what she was going through and didn't try. (Of course, I could just be an unsympathetic asshole.) I expect most everyone else would react the same way to me. They either assume they are fertile or are fertile and have no interest in infertility - just something they think they'll never need to know about or think about.

Anyway, I hope somehow you find another infertile IRL. I think it would make all this so much easier if we had that.

[Kelly]

This post has also inspired me to delurk. I've been reading your blog for a while now and it has really helped me deal with the overwhelming sense of doom I feel. After a very disappointing visit to the DR yesterday (Him - Good news..all your tests came back normal! Me - Then why are my cycles so irregular? Him - I have no idea..maybe you're under stress and need to relax) I tried to talk to one of my friends IRL about it. I could see her eyes glazing over after a bit. I haven't come out of the IF closet with many people. All my friends have either had oops babies or aren't thinking about kids yet. When we started trying over a year ago a little voice in my head said this wouldn't be as easy as it seemed so I didn't really broadcast that we were trying. I'm glad I made that decision, but I wish I had someone to talk to on days like this.

[Danielle]

Hey Mare,

That's why we all have blogs. The rest of the world, and sometimes our wonderful husbands too, doesn't get it. I know I've been guilty of not fully understanding what someone has been through and when they discuss details I find myself compliling grocery lists, etc. Just the other day I was guilty of wreckless assvicing (assvicity, assvicement...), I was talking with a co-worker about her love life and went on and on about just go out and have a good time, try not to concentrate on finding a guy, it's always when you're not looking that you find one. As I walked away from that conversation I realized that I'd just given her the "just relax" speach. I immediately started the metal flogging and said why on earth did I say those things. I, like you, have recently decided to take the if asked I'll spill approach, but had been tight-lipped about it before then. I, also, have yet to get any real interest or questions.

We wait and see. Until then, we have our blogs and blog-friends.

[Jen]

Good luck with your new plan of openness.

I have found, when I've tried to broach the subject, that many people find the subject very uncomfortable--not only is it medical, but it's not life-threatening, and it's about (in a very awkward, roundabout way) SEX! Talk about a conversation grabber!

Unfortunately, I'm with you on the "oh, look at me, I'm still in control, infertility hasn't got me down, oh no, not me, no siree..." charade. Let me know if you figure out a way to convey the emotional difficulties without bursting into tears.

Best to you, my dear.

[InternalSpring]

Sometimes I think it is self-absorption, sometimes I think it's fear - what if they're faced with the same thing. Frankly it seems better to me that someone says nothing rather than saying the wrong thing. I mean there are times when I just don't want to hear some encouraging nonsense!

[sweetisu]

Good luck with "coming out" with friends and collegues who asks.

A poignant post. The glazing.. that's just how people are -- sadly if it's not something personal, they will not get it and nor will they really care (in general).

[Anna H.]

My experience has been that people don't give advice at all, except for the crazy colleague who told us that we shouldn't talk about the ART because it might not work and then we'd feel *ashamed* because there would be something *wrong* with us. Part of it is that they're self-absorbed, but I think that much of IF is just totally foreign to the majority of people. Most everyone I know has experienced other kinds of loss -- death, divorce, cancer -- but not IF; that's what makes it so isolating for all of us here.

I'm glad you're talking about it; I figure that being open about IF does enlighten some people some of the time, even if they don't realize it at that moment. They may not understand what you're saying now, or know how to respond in the right way, but there's a chance that they will the next time a friend or co-worker confides in them. And they might be just a little more kind and understanding. At least, that's the hope.

You are wonderful and strong to be talking about it, Mare and sharing what is an important part of your life right now. I'm hoping you'll be able to share a bit of good news -- some joy! -- with everyone around you very soon.

xxoo

[zarqa]

Thoughts I think about often as I'm entering IVF #2, having just done IVF #1, which ended in a stillbirth, all while at work with people whom I would like to be more friendly with. I haven't shared any of the IVF stuff with them. Just when my pregnancy was starting last year and I hadn't yet announced it to anyone, a coworker read that article in Oprah about IVF being this freak thing that only desperate and selfish people would do (I'm paraphrasing, harshly), so when I finally did announce my pregnancy to my coworkers I never told them about the IVF part. People have ideas, preconceptions, that I am not energetic enough to disabuse them of. But that makes me a lonely camper. I don't really expect them to want to know details but if anyone wonders this time, I won't be as silent. The isolation after the stillbirth, the loneliness, is a wretched bitch and I have to take it upon myself to get rid of it any way I can even if my efforts are met with indifference.
I understand that everyone has their own shit. But it never ceases to amaze me how disinterested most people are in most other people. Is it TV? Specifically, reality TV that allows people to feign a concern for "real life" problems of their fellow man without dirtying themselves with, well, real life problems of their fellow man? For me, there is no end to my fascination with what people think, where they come from, what they do. I could listen and listen and listen. But, I think that's just me.

[Suz]

You're right and it's so strange that this thing that's so consuming to us matters nothing to the people we see every day. For instance, a month or two ago, I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't make her regularly scheduled morning meeting because we were doing IVF. Like you, I tried to treat it like a "normal" medical procedure ... except, well, she said "what's IVF."

I told her.

"Oh," she said.

And that was it.

Hardly worth my trip out of the closet.

[Meg]

I have only told a few close friends and family. I especially have kept it quiet at work, I haven't told my principal or any of the other admin. I have hardly missed a day's teaching my entire time there and all I have to do is give them a medical certificate ( it doesn't say IVF). There is so much gossip at work and this is the kind of stuff they love. I also find I get quite emotional if I do tell some one.
Love reading your blog, good luck with everything.

[Reprogirl]

Wow, we really have some kind of cosmic cyber-connection thing going on. First the speculum pornography coincidence, and now this. This business of telling / not telling is very much on my mind these days. My "telling" issue is different: I'm single, so generally people aren't expecting me to be getting pregnant or trying to get pregnant, and some might not be so crazy about the idea. And I'm just doing IUIs, so medically it's not nearly so heavy-duty. But I do occasionally have to sneak off for doctors' appointments and in my job, where we are expected to be available 24/7, that can sometimes be awkward.

My initial plan was DON'T TELL ANYONE EVER EVER EVER. At work, that is. I've been very open with my friends as I've gone through the long process of thinking about this and figuring out how to do it. But work is a scary place, and I know once you tell even one person, even someone you really trust, you're no longer 100% in control of who knows. I was afraid of being judged, even silently.

So I sat through my first, failed pregnancy in complete silence at work. I was tired and I felt shitty and then I found out my pregnancy wasn't viable and I wanted to die, but I didn't tell anyone anything was going on. That felt so terrible to me. It felt like denying my true self.

I had to do some hard thinking about how I was going to be able to pick myself up and try again and survive at work. As part of my new action plan, I decided I would start telling people. And I have. I'm up to about 6 now, no bigwigs so far, all people I consider friends, and some whom I work with very closely - they are the ones who will be affected if I get pregnant again and say I can't stay till the middle of the night, or need days off for medical things.

So far every single one of them has been amazingly positive and supportive. It's completely genuine. They think this is cool. It is great. Each time I get that from someone, it's like a little bit more added to my inner resources, a little confirmation that I really can do it.

But eventually I'm bound to run into a different response, and I know it will be tough. I haven't told my dad, for instance, because I know there's a good chance my sister's unsupportive reaction would be a mere amuse-geule compared to his. On the other hand, he's pretty unpredictable, he could be cool about it. I'm not ready to find out.

So I am very pro telling people at the moment, because it's been good for me, and I hate not telling, it makes me feel phoney. But I've been lucky with the outcome, and it sure is something to be handled with care.

I wish you lots of luck with the IVF.

[Reprogirl]

PS I've always loved that poem. It's a great one. (There's another one of hers that begins "You are one of many / and of small account if any." Don't remember the rest, but I love that one too.

[dish]

Before our IVF I "outed" myself to my boss only because I knew that I would have to take a few days off in close proximity for the retrieval/transfer parts of it and would also have lots of mornings of coming in late from a date with the dildo-cam. She's hyperreactive about sick days as it is, so I knew this would convince her that I was dying. She reacted fairly well after the initial "why don't you just adopt" comment. I consider my other coworkers friends, and so they knew because I wanted a support net IRL.

Good luck.

[Cindy Geffert]

I have told people I'm going through it, but now, a year later, they are pressing me for results. The problem is, I'm 38 with 2 failed IVF's and only 1 egg fertilizing out of a total of 15 combined. Made it to day 5 transfer, but nada. I can't find anyone with this particular problem. Say hello to the donor egg solution. Talk about hiding in the closet. I can't even tell my mom cuz of her "blood, non-blood" issues with the in-laws. I can just imagine her blurting out something insensitive and idiotic. I have no intention of telling anyone about using a donor egg. I'm already getting sympathy cards from well intentioned family members over my fertility problem. I can't imagine the pitying looks I'd receive upon telling them "end game"
Whew, it feels good just to vent without my husband trying to put a positive spin on things. He gets to use his genes.