Loneliness of the Long Distance Blogger

Guess what, dear friends and fellow castaways?  It's my one year blogiversary today!  I suppose that calls for some form of comment, an extra helping of cake and ice cream, and perhaps some tiny tapdancing on the keyboard.

I suppose what would be appropriate is to offer up an insight into how things have changed for me in the past year, both in infertility and in my blogging life. The thing is, I am not sure that much has changed, at least not in the visible sense.  I've watched other bloggers go through big, important changes- moving through pregnancies, adoption, or difficult decisions about family building. And I feel like much of the time, I have pretty much stayed in the same place- high up in the Island watchtower, scanning the horizon, waiting.  It's been lonely up here sometimes, wondering if my turn and my chance will ever ever come. Just lately I have sensed a fresh wind blowing, and I hope it's sending a ship my way.  But meantime, I'm still up here...still waiting.

The real changes have, I think, been largely in my head.  When I first started writing this post, I thought to myself that I haven't really changed at all as a person.  In many ways, I am exactly the same was when I started out- it's just that I have brought all those personality traits to this particular problem.  So I am the way I always have been- silly, deeply introspective, whimsical, fiesty, clumsy, self-pitying, optimistic, worried, wary and extremely curious about what lies ahead for me.  It's just that infertility has been the filter through which I have expressed all those things. 

Admittedly, I can add that I am probably now a little older and wiser about the pitfalls and perils of infertility, but we have a long way to go, and no doubt I am not done yet with those lessons.  I like to believe though that whatever happens, I am going to be OK.  One of the best things to happen in the recent months was the quiet, unremarked acceptance of the very thing I feared that most when we started out- that we really are infertile. 

So we are.  So we're dealing with it. So the earth continues to rotate on its pointy axis. So I'm still getting out of bed in the morning and going to work. Breathing in and out. Rolling my eyes at the loonieness of the world. Planning a future with my beloved E., come what may, and all the while laughing, fighting, screwing and dancing gabba gabba hey when a good song comes on the radio. 

It's been worrying me a little recently that in the absence of any immediate appointments, treatments and other assorted crisis/dramas that I have nothing much to say. It made me wonder if perhaps I was not as...well-rounded as I could be, not as multi-faceted and interesting as I always gave myself credit for.  Like maybe it was time to get a hobby, or embark on a big project, like trying to write a novel.  Because what concerns me greatly is that at the end of all this, I'll discover that infertility was the only real story I ever had to tell.

I suppose what I've concluded is that this wouldn't be such a bad thing- as long as I told it truly, and told it well.

So as we move into Season Two, I'll ask you all to help me out with that. If there are things you'd like to hear more about, please let me know.  If there are things you wish I'd shut up about, well, that would be interesting feedback too.  Or if you're just a lurker who has never commented, I'd be delighted if you'd take this opportunity to pipe up, even if you lapse back into stealthy blog skulkage immediately thereafter.

Time for a celebratory drink, I think.  I'm pretty sure I brought a bottle of something up here with me. And as I am writing this, I'm looking at the most beautiful sunset. 

Sometimes, the view from the Watchtower isn't so bad after all.    

Comments

[MsPrufrock]

Congratulations on your one year blogiversary, and long may you blog. Hopefully the subject matter will at one point turn to fertility rather than infertility. I for one am very glad you're here, even if you are still atop the watchtower. Luckily, there are lots of us up there, trying to find some bloody elbow room.

[ManhattanAnne]

Mare-
Happy Blogiversary and many happy returns. I hope you won't stop hitting return. As long as you're up there manning the search tower, there's some light piercing through the fog.
-Anne

[ManhattanAnne]

WOmanning the watchtower, of course I mean!

[Ninotchka]

Lurker here to wish you a Happy Blog-day. Beautiful post!

[Jen/VintageUterus]

congratulations on your anniversary my horsey pal. Whatever you write is good with me. Just want you to keep on doin' it.

[Amanda]

Happy Blogiversary!!!

[Molly]

Don't believe I've ever posted before. Congrats on a great year - I encourage your novel idea, by the way!

[Terry]

Hi Mare:

I'm a lurker that's been hanging around for a few months now. thought this would be a good time to say hi and happy blog anniversary. I love reading your writings - you're very honest and open and I enjoy coming by each day or two to read the latest.

may the next year bring you many happy things!

[Suz]

Congratulations, Mare, on your anniversary and deep gratitude for your well-told tales from the watchtower.

[Soper]

Happy Blogversary!

[Angela]

Happy anniversary to you and your blog! I love your writing, and in season two, I promise to try and be a better reader and comment more. I am just lazy and would rather sit at my computer and be entertained instead of trying to be clever. I wish the best for you and E in the year to come.

[Heidi]

Merry Blog Day. Keep doing what your doing and I'll be happy...

[InSpring]

I've looked at Julie's updated blog list, gone through it, been slapped in the face with one ultrasound picture after another. I've got an idea of what a one year IF blog anniversary is like. It's tough remaining in the same place, seeing fellow IF'ers go, new ones come along hoping the hopes you've had.

I thank you for being here, I'm sorry you're still here in club IF. I hope that your IVF in June/July will turn this into a pregnancy blog.

I think you always post something worth reading, I can't make any suggestions, it's more interesting to come by and see what you've decided to write about.

[Dead Bug]

Thank you for a year of funny, touching and insightful writing.

Say, is there room for me up there in the watchtower? I'm getting sick of trying to swim out to the damned boat.

May Blogiversary 2 see you (wo)manning a new post.

Much love,
Bugs

[Amyesq]

Cheers to you, Mare! And here's to many, many more blog entries, whatever they may bring.

[Hall]

Hi, another chronic lurker delurking to wish you happy blogiversary. Thanks for being insightful and entertaining! Fingers crossed for good things in the second season. Hall

[Emily]

Happy anniversary!

[Bente]

Hi. Happy blogging anniversary. I've just recently started reading your blog and I am enjoying it. I've only started getting into blogging in the last couple months so I'm quite a way off of the same mark you're on. I'm planning on sticking around for the second season, hope it's a good one!

[ovagirl]

Happy Blogiversary Mare - enjoy that sunset and here's to an equally brilliant Season Two.

[Meg]

Congrats on your blog anniversary. Love reading your posts

[Ana]

Congratulations! Here's to many more years and hoping that next year she subject will have changed from infertility to parenting!

[cricket]

Congrats and thanks for a year that's made the rest of us camped out on the watchtower feel a little less alone.

[Sarah]

Happy blogiversary--keep on doing what you're doing!

[T]

Happy Blogiversary! I'm hoping for a scene shift for you!

[Danielle]

Happy Blogiversary!

You are a wonderful writer and I look forward to your posts. You tell it like it is. I think you should pursue a novel, I would totally buy it.