Faced with the Force

Yesterday, E. and I joined what seemed to be the entire population of Scotland in going to see the new Star Wars movie. We suspected it might be a big disappointment, but we were comforted by the thought that at least we could then indulge in nostalgic reminisicing about the good old days, about the triology of our youth.

And we were right.

[As an aside, can I just insert a small gripe here about people who bring very small kids to a movie which is clearly not suitable for children that age? The row in front of us was filled by a family with what seemed like half a dozen four year olds, who at the midway point got bored and started whining, needing the bathroom and wanting to goooooo home. Until the film got scary and then they were reduced to crying loudly under their seats. I like children, obviously, but limits, people, limits. 'Nuff said.]

Anyway, there are enough reviews out there to fill an entire galaxy, so I don't expect you really need to know my detailed opinion on the film. But all the post-mortem chat with E. did get me thinking about one scene from the original trilogy which I have always liked. It's the part where Yoda reads Luke the riot act for being too busy chasing adventure to stay "in the present".

"This one a long time have I watched. Never his mind on where he was . Hmm? On what he was doing.. Hmph!"

I've heard variations on this theme quite a lot since we started trying for a family. The idea seems to be that it is better simply focus on what you have, and enjoy your present blessings than go relentlessly chasing after something. You know, be happy with your present situation- enjoy the fact that you can sleep late on weekends, go out for long boozy dinners, take off on holidays when you feel like it, spend your money on treats for yourself. Blah blah blah.

Back in the early days, when we only feared (rather than confirmed) a problem, I actually had someone criticise me for being "too ambitious", and controlling about the process. "Let go," I was told, "it will happen in time."

Which, if you think about it, is rather hackneyed attempt at a Zen version of "just relax".

Thing is, I think it's all very well and good to talk about staying in the "now", focusing on what is before you, making the best of what you have. Except that for an infertile couple, the present can be an agonising place to be. When everything around you feels like a barren wasteland, when your landscape is a grim desert, blasted by the heat of two suns, OF COURSE you are going to think about gettng the fuck out of there on your landspeeder as soon as humanly possible.

We live in a society very much geared to both instant gratification and relentless self-improvement. Don't like the way you look? See your doctor, or order the FAST FIXX now, and get results quickly (not available anywhere else!) Stifled at work? Climb the company ladder, achieve your potential! Is your home too small? Invest in a bigger, better property! Don't be complacent! Be all that you can be! Live your dreams. Make it happen! Call 1-800-GET-A-LIFE!

All those messages are transmitted in a thousand different ways to us over time. How hard and contradictory it then seems to just stop, and suddenly expect to be happy with whatever point you have happened to reach at that particular moment. As if the only growing you are now allowed to do is toward acceptance of how far you have come, without going any further.

Thing is, most of the time, I do have my mind on where I am, and on what I am doing. It's hard not to, since much of what I do demands that I be fully engaged on a day to day basis. My present contains an interesting, if challenging job, a fulfilling relationship, a comfortable home, a loving family. It all takes work to maintain, and I do that work, gladly, since I value what I have.

But does that mean I should stop looking ahead for something else? Does that mean that I should simply accept things as they are? Stop wishing for something which I may not be able to have? Should I just be passive, go with the flow, stretch out with my feelings? In a situation where we are forced to make hard choices, should I just use the Force instead?

That would be fine, in theory. Except that right now, you know what? I'd so much rather be a mother than a Jedi Knight.

Comments

[Emily]

As always Mare, so very well said. Why should I passively 'accept'? I'm convinced people say that to make themselves feel better. I've always thought there's an interesting dichotomy about -- love thy neighor and screw thy neighbor -- and this internal conflict is what makes people say the stupid things -- "Just accept what you have, don't want more", translates into, "*I* know I should be happy with what I have, but I feel guilty about it, but I don't want you to have it either because then you might get more than me and I won't like that."

I'd rather be a Mom too.

[Suz]

My mother once said that to me once: "why can't you just accept your current situation and not worry about children? You have a good life." You've done a nice job of articulating how different this advice is from that given to us at every other point in our lives. Feel fat? Do weightwatchers! Don't like your job? Get a new one! It's all rather contradictory to me. I think that we would have it easier if infertility was simply accepted as the medical problem that it is.

[Reprogirl]

Oh Mare, you are such a hitter of the nail on the proverbial head. I was thinking about this very thing (well, things in this very area) today when I was at the airport and went by an ad with a big photo of Tiger Woods out in a jungle of armpit-high weeds, taking a swing, undaunted, with his golf club, which some might think is a slightly futile thing to do. The copy says "Don't be intimidated! Be a Tiger!" To me it epitomized what I think of as "anything-is-possible-ism," you know, even if your golf ball is buried under acres of growth and according to the laws of physics if you hit it it will roll about two inches into the next tangle of roots, don't be deterred, by sheer force of positive attitude you can hit a hole-in-one! I have to admit I somewhat admire this way of thinking and all the things it can achieve, but at the same time, taken far enough it must surely be a form of mental illness. To join in you have to believe things that are just plainly, demonstrably not true. I don't know why anything-is-possible-ism with its ethic of self-improvement and striving for a better future is so intertwined with the live-in-the-moment focus-on-the-now thing, it seems contradictory, but somehow our culture has turned present mindfulness into part of a twelve-step program, or a fitness regimen, too (maybe with some help from Yoda). I struggle with the live in the present thing, I really do. I have spent so much of my life desparately trying to escape my presents (and I don't mean gifts). And it may well be that some of my choices have been hasty and ill-considered as a result. But I think to tell me I should "appreciate what I have" is just plain heartless and for me to accept the now would mean that I had become completely defeated. My present is awful and I only survive it because I think it's helping me build the way to a better future (isn't that kind of a basic element of being an adult? Present sacrifice for future gratification?). My past is crap too. Don't I deserve to try to make the future better? I think I do. So, Yoda, you're cute, but up yours.

[Karen]

I know.

I love this post. So wise.

[Meg]

Great post, so well said. I've had two friends say the count your blessings, live in the present etc. One is pregnant and the other not in a relationship and recently back from an Anthony Robbins course. They also asked me what did I mean when I said I'm not sure how I'm going to get through all of this if I don't get pregannt and have a child. They can't understand because they aren't in my situation and I know I wouldn't have understood if the tables were turned.

[ovagirl]

There are some times when a personal lightsabre would come in very handy notably at times when well meaning friends and family tell you to count your blessings and enjoy your blissful childfree existence while you can. I'm not talking total destruction, just a sharp stingy cauterising poke.

[penelope]

Excellent comments - excellent post. I heard the movie was terrible and sith sounds too much like cyst for me.

Re: reprogirl's observations, that was a man standing there with his golf clubs. I think there is a gender bias and as modern women we are getting mixed messages. How many men are told to be in the moment and be happy with what they have? How many women are encouraged to fight for change, to make things happen, etc.?

Feeling like a particularly downtrodden feminist these days in the US with all the political nonsense here, but, what do you think about this being a gendered thing?

I have to say although we're dealing with male factor most people suggested my husband DO something (take vitamins, exercise, etc.) rather than live in his present moment.

[Anna H.]

Me too.

xxoo

[Pamplemousse]

Interesting comment from the HFEA today about half the infertility treatments in the UK being due to male factor whereas the presumption is usually it is us women who are defective (well, in my case, it is true!)

I despair frankly of the "you can have it all now" attitude seemingly prevalent in our society.