Because the sea is so great and my boat is so small

I clung on to the life raft of "late implantation bleeding" for nearly twenty four hours. It seemed like a real possibility at one point. In fact, it sustained me through the choppy seas of another day at work. Until once again, just before heading home, I visited my favourite bathroom cubicle. That stall has been the port in so many storms over the last couple years, so at least I was in familiar waters.

It became apparent that the life raft had sprung a fatal leak. I am now having what is undeniably the most expensive period of my life. There are sharks in this part of the ocean, and no doubt drawn by the smell of the blood, they moved in for the kill. The life raft went down, taking me with it. It's over.

I somehow managed to get to a small atoll, known locally in these parts as "Youarefucked." And there I sit now, with my heart breaking and my tears mixing with the salt spray. I can still see the lights from the campfires on the beach at Infertility Island not too far in the distance. When I feel a little stronger, I'll try to swim back. Because there's nothing else except a vast expanse of blue of the great, cruel sea in the other direction.

There is nowhere else for me to go.

Comments

[Milly]

Delurking to say I'm so, so sorry. It's so, so crap and hurts so much.
Be kind to yourself,
Love Milly x

[Sara in London]

Oh dear, Mare. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better but I am so, so sorry.

Like Milly says, be very kind to yourself.

*hug*

sara xx

[Kath]

Oh God, Mare, I'm so sorry. I was so hoping for you.

[Erika]

Also delurking to say how incredibly sorry I am. This is so fricking unfair.

*hugs*

Erika

[Mellie]

Oh dear Mare,
I'm so so so terribly sorry. How you can write so beautifully under such a blanket of sorrow I'll never know. I will gladly come out to "youarefucked" and row you back to our infertile island. Like Gilligan and his crew, someday we WILL get off this isle for good. I wish you had escaped.

Take care of yourself for us. xoxoxo.

[susie]

I am so sorry, Mare. I am thinking of you.

[deborah]

I'm so sorry, Mare. So very, very, very sorry.

[sophie]

I am so sorry. Stay strong. Really really sorry.

[persephone]

Oh Mare. We all wanted this for you, so badly. I'm sorry.

[LEB]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

This isn't supposed to happen. I'm so sorry.

[VHMPrincess]

I am so sorry. I was praying and hoping that checking today would show a beautiful + test. I am so sorry.

[Cathy]

Oh, Mare, like Persephone said, we all wanted this to work for you. I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Sending you good thoughts.

[dish]

Mare- my heart is with you. I am so sorry.

[ishkabibble]

Mare, you are a beautiful person and you deserve happiness. I'm so sorry this turned out this way. I began reading your blog about a year ago and your description of "infertility Island" was one of the first blog posts I ever read, it gave a context to this condition which is so isolating that allowed me to feel connected to other people having the same experience. People with rich imaginations and wit were feeling just as I was! What a gift that was to me at the time. I just want to thank you now for making me feel better during a very hard time in my life, and I hope you will feel better soon, too. You will be a great mother eventually, so hang in there!

[jane]

honey girl, am so very sorry. be peaceful.

[Julie]

Oh Sweet Mare, I'm so very sorry!

[T]

I'm so very, very sorry Mare. Fuck!

[Karen]

Oh shit, Mare, I am so so so so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

[Em]

Get strong and be kind to yourself Mare. We are all here for you.

[Heidi]

Oh Mare, my heart is breaking for you. I'm sitting her crying...for you, for me, for all of us. This is so, so hard. I wish I could explain why life is so fucking unfair, but I can't. I am so sorry. Love you...

[Tertia]

So so sorry. this hurts more than words can ever express.

sending you lots of love

xx

[Alexa]

Oh, no. I am so sorry. Nothing else to say.

[Suz]

I'm so, so, sorry, Mare.

[zhl]

Oh Mare, I am so sorry. So sorry. Wish I could stop by the atoll and give you a pillow and start a fire for you.

[Amanda]

Fuck. I'm so very sorry. Man, this shit sucks so badly. Thinking of you.