I am the horse

I like my emotional upheavals to be brisk and snappy in their resolution, so I am pleased to note that I appear to have moved on to the next step. If we were to apply a Kubler-Ross model to my current emotional roadmap, I think I would now fall firmly into the "Angry" bracket. (Incidentally, I notice there is no bracket set aside in that model for the "Swilling Booze and Eating Cake while Lying on the sofa watching Crap Telly". Which, as any sensible infertile person knows, is a key stage in the grief process.)

Harumph. Yes. Having dispensed with the floor-crying for the time being, I find myself in a state of rabid pissiness, a sort of volcanic irritation with the world. It's to be expected, I suppose- when the universe sticks its tongue out at you saying "Neener neener neener!", a little anger is normal. I suspect my annoyance with the latest turn of events is on a grand scale, but it's the minor things that bugging me. For example, who was the fuckwit who left the bag of rubbish outside the door of the flats, so the foxes and other urban vermin could come and strew it everywhere in the middle of the night? Thanks, jerkwad. And you there, the person in the queue behind me. Yeah, you. Do you have to stand RIGHT BEHIND me, breathing your fumes over my shoulder, pressing the wire shopping basket into my lower back? This is my dance space, asshole, that is your dance space. Back the fuck off, Jack.

That kind of thing.

Plus, it doesn't help that subsequent to my recent IVF shipwreck, I have been subjected to more assvice than a clamped buttock. What I want to know is: when did people become so emotionally backwards? Why is it that everyone seems to think the correct response is to offer up endless unsolicited solutions? Whatever happened to a good old fashioned, "I'm sorry- would a soothing cup of tea help?"

Disclaimer: I should stress that I am not referring, in this post, to fellow bloggers and kind friends. I have had some preliminary solution-oriented discussions with a few people, much of it at my instigation. To a woman, everyone has been unstintingly helpful, supportive and unassuming. For which again, my thanks. No, rather I am referring to the insta-platitude dished out in a "careless shoot from the hip while shooting off the mouth" kind of comments from the seemingly oblivious hoards around me.

For example:

"Oh well, at least you can go on holiday now and drink lots of booze.". Why, yes. Yes, we can, and indeed we plan on doing just that very soon. I'm not stupid, I know that a holiday with the prospect of copious amounts of doing nothing at all while around drinking wine is a definite plus. But while I am grateful that we are able to have a nice break, the main reason we're taking a vacation is because we both feel like we have been dragged backwards though a hedge of emotional and psychological thorns. Because we're tired and still more than a little lost as to what to do next. But believe me, I would have happily foregone holidays for some time coming if it meant things could have turned out differently.

"Maybe you could work part time. You know, so you can relax?" There was a near throttling at this one. Leaving aside the other implications of the "R word", why do people automatically assume that working part time will equate to complete relaxation? As if during the days you are not in the office, you have nothing better to do than lie on the sofa engaging in the aforesaid "Crap Telly and Cupcake Fest". For me, working part time equals less salary, equals less money for treatment. Any advantage of having the time to sit at home freaking out about our options would be offset by the attendant freaking out that we no longer have enough resources to pay for those options. Erm, no.

"Will you try again?" Ah. While this no doubt is an interesting and relevant question, it's not something that should be pitched casually. The first time I was asked this was on the day after shipwreck, as I sat in a hysterical ball, trying to pull it together enough to speak the words "I can't come in today". Timing= bad. Also, the speaker's well meaning but offhand tone made it sound like it was just that I had had a complicated cheescake recipe turn out badly. As if it was simply a matter of whipping of a fresh batch, pop it in the oven and away you go! Tone=bad.

And lastly, my personal favourite, spoken by a person with three kids. "Well, you just have to stay positive. Get right back on the horse.". To which I say, oh please do shut the fuck up, sunshine. I am the horse.

Comments

[cat]

I hope you really did say that to the cow who gave you the positivity speech. Ugh! Why is it that people feel the need to comment at all? Really... I mean they can't possibly say anything that will be intelligent. So why not just shut the hell up? It's because they want to feel better and it was never about us in the first place. Asses.

Ahhhh progesterage.

[DD]

Bravo! Bravo! Imagine a theatre packed to the rafters full of women (and men) applauding and cheering wildly. Well said!

Would you mind if I printed this particular post and hand it out to every nitwit who carelessly crosses my path, which parallels yours?

[Lindy]

Oh, Mare. Well put! Cheering wildly right next to DD!

[Alex]

Oh dear you are in a state....better state than I would have expected. Listen if you have not taken out a sledgehammer to someones head yet then I say you are doing good. Cake must be measured by the units...more units the better, booze must come in the gallons, and whining is commanded.

I do hope the ick moves on. Really I do because I know that latent irritation with the world sucks. But until it does lots of hugs and well wishing.

alex
ps if you feel really nasty and irritated we could go and TP that bitch with the three kid's house! We would have fun. Just let me know when...

[Karen]

Ah, people and their well-meaning assvice. My personal favorite after my 2nd miscarriage was the nitwit who nodded knowingly and said, "It was probably because you moved and did all that heavy lifting, isn't it?" Well no, you moron, it was because of the extra set of chromosomes, but thanks for trying to lay the blame at my feet anyway.

I think irritation is a step in the right direction, mood-wise.

[Kate]

I am angry at the world with you right now. Let's go get drunk and beat up some fertiles.

Sending a hug and offering no assvice,
Kate

[Julie]

People suck. Fertiles suck more. Sorry Mare.

[Amanda]

Oh, I hate that shit. People just need to keep their mouths shut. I'm sorry you're having to deal with that on top of everything else.

[mm]

Stupid assholes.

[Lala]

I'm not sure if you were trying to be so damn funny in your grief but woman - you could write the vagina monologues of infertility - "I AM the horse".

[zhl]

F*ckers. Whatever happened to "I'm sorry, what can I do?" I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I hope having E. around 24/7 is of some comfort.

p.s. Loved the Dirty Dancing reference.

[Emily]

Fuckwits. I just can't help it anymore, I HAVE to give them a piece of my mind. I have officially become that crazy lady that rants to herself all alone in the subway.

So sorry Mare.

[JennaM]

Some day when I have guts, my stock response to such stupid questions and remarks is going to be, "hmmm, I'm not sure, but, hey, did you put on some weight since the last time I saw you?" Or "Gee, I have to think about that, but, by the way, have you noticed how much your crow's feet are growing lately?"

[Julianna]

indeed, and a fine horse, at that.

Thinking of you.

[OvaGirl]

Anger is good. Life is full of stupidity Mare, sorry you are subjected to so many choice examples currently.

Cuppa tea?

xx

[Kelly]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4181084.stm

A friend suggested I had it laminated and hand it out freely to people who cannot help their assvice.

[Thalia]

I so empathise with the working part time thing. A senior guy I'm working wtih suggested I take a leave of absence from my job. An unpaid leave of absence. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!

[T]

See they're trying to help - themselves. People don't like it when we make them feel bad with our bad news, so they try to make themselves feel better! Yay for them! They're positive! Positive, insensitive assholes. Sorry you have to deal with that shit.

Back the fuck off, Jack.= best line ever. (I love Jack and use him all the time).

[Molly]

Ha ha!

People are truly dumb.

[Kath]

"Subjected to more assvice than a clamped buttock" -- I love it! You are so right on.

And those people truly have no clue. Empathy schmempathy! Cat and T are right -- the dastardly dispensers of assvice are simply trying to minimize your pain so they have an easier time pushing it away. To which I say: Minimize my pain all you want -- as long as you shut the fuck up about it. Don't you dare try to make me an accomplice, fuckwad.

Of course, I don't dare say that out loud. Yet!

[susan]

I am filled with righteous indignation on your behalf, but I am having a hard time pulling it off since I can't stop giggling... clamped buttock. Love it!

[Amanda]

Amen sister!

[April]

Ahhh Mare, I am so sorry.

How do you like your tea love?

Sorry that it seems to be asshat season.

[Katie]

I am home, and there's no relaxing here. I hate people and their "helpful" advice...

Do they really want me to start giving unsolicited advice about their life?

[Alexa]

Well said. I have your tea right here...Milk? Sugar? Valium?
Thinking of you...

[Reprogirl]

Mare, you're brilliant and wonderful.

Thank you for putting into such eloquent words... well, everything, but I especially related to the "work part time" thing. I get this all the time because my job is stressful and I hate it. But I do it SO I CAN AFFORD SPERM. They say "if you were less stressed out it would improve your chances of getting pregnant." I say IF I COULDN'T AFFORD TO BUY THE SPERM MY CHANCE OF GETTING PREGNANT WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NADA ZE-RO. But they don't get it.

Maybe if I were articulate like you they would understand...oh, probably not.

I am so sorry, and your anger is 100% righteous.

[Meg]

I really hate the 'you should quit work' one as well. I work to pay the IVF bills and it goes some way to taking my mind off things. I think what's behind that piece of arsevice is "Relax". I'm pissed off for you.

[Em]

Do you want a slug of whiskey for the tea?

[Queenie]

"Whatever happened to a good old fashioned, 'I'm sorry- would a soothing cup of tea help?'" Perhaps you should try doing IVF in Britain. Immediately after those horrible subway bombings, I heard a CNN reporter say that the British rescue workers were ministering to the wounded with "food, bandages, and nice cups of hot tea." Not kidding. It was a moment of hilarity at an otherwise awful time--much like your post! :)

[Karen]

I just love you.

[penny paige]

i feel you, exactly. i am in a state of deep sadness and loss of explanation. i am a Christian, and even though my faith is strong and my personal knowledge of God's sovereignty, i still fall hard on my knees, many times unable to speak a word.

people are so clueless, so clueless that they think they have the right to offer their "advice," as if they woke up as medical experts. i've heard the insensitive, "well, my husband just has to look at me, and i'm pregnant," to the "why don't you ask my daughter for an embryo?" yeah, you read right. this woman said this to me right after i visited her daughter after she gave birth to her second child.

anyone else with a legitimate medical condition is treated with respect and dignity, but a woman who cannot bare children is fair game to the world, at least, that's how it feels. my real friends and family offer their advice, and i love and understand where they're coming from, but how dare any person who does not know me come up and give something that was not asked of them?

in the meantime, i hold on so closely to God and pray that my heart does not get hard or black. the last thing i want is to have hatred in it, and believe me, Christian or not, any barren woman can easily become embittered. i wish you the very best; i thank you for posting the bitter, cruel reality of life on this side. i needed to hear from a woman who actually knows how i feel. blessings.