They could dish it out but they couldn't take it

I was assured by the clinic staff that as long as I didn't engage in anything rash, like bungee-jumping, I could resume normal activities pretty much immediately. And, much as I would have dearly loved to spend the next two weeks lying on the sofa with my feet up and the ice cream spoon in my mouth, duty calls. So it was back to work for me yesterday.

I hadn't even gotten as far as taking my coat off before being bombarded with the news that the boss's wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl that very morning. Well, yippy-ay-yay for them. Nice to know the relentless March of the Fertile Co-Worker continues unabated. Fortunately, his absence on paternity leave meant that I could have a moment's privacy in his office (an actual office! with four walls and a whole door!) to phone the lab to find out how our remaining two embryos were doing. As I explained previously, on Monday they were still slightly sluggish little four cells, so we were going give it a few days to let them try to become juicy blastocysts before freezing.

Verdict: bad. Neither of the embryos made it. According to the embryologist, one stopped growing on Monday afternoon, and the other one staggered on for a bit, but then expired in a small *whoof* of pre-blastocyst exhaustion. So, that's it. If the souffles in the oven fail to rise, there is no back-up pizza delivery on the way. No embryonic doggie bag for us. None for the road.

The embryologist said to me that the fate of the fallen two was no indicator of the possible chances of success for the transfered two. But she also conveyed to me that transferred two (which she said were "very good", making me wonder what the fuck happened to "excellent"?) were four and five celled, respectively. Since that meant nothing to me at the time, I of course had no choice but to consult the Oracle of Google on my arrival home. And then promptly wished I had not. What I read filled me with some dismay-you know, blah blah blah "ideally eight cells are seen by day three in the best embryos" blah blah blah. I ended up bursting into tears over the keyboard, crying uncontrollably for several minutes.

Then I decided this certainly couldn't be healthy for the "very good" four and five cells on board, pulled myself together, gave Google the finger, and ate half an avocado while reading trashy gossip blogs.

Some people have said to me that the two week wait is the worst part, the hardest part. Others have asked me, gently, how am I holding up. But apart from self-induced hysteria like yesterday, I've been...well... sort of... happy, I guess. In two long years of trying, this feels like the closest I have come to being pregnant. And for the next few days, I can dream and hope a little. There's nothing to say this is going to work. I'm slowly coming to accept that all things considered, let's face it, I was not the IVF superstar that I hoped I would be.

But there's nothing to say it won't work either. And in the relatively short space of time between not knowing and knowing, I am taking comfort in the idea that, for now at least, there are some tiny glimmers of beautiful possibilities. That and the fact that if even if I have nothing else in the freezer, there is a large tub of ice cream.

Comments

[Manuela]

Crossing everything crossable on your behalf...

[Jen]

I hope this feeling of hopefulness continues. It is kind of odd, almost liberating, to be in the position of having tried something that actually could work--after so many fits and starts and months of stabbing blindly.

Crossing fingers for you, sweetie, and hoping that the ice cream will help get you through the time of testing.

[Julie]

Keep up your spirits sweetie! I know how hard this must be for you.

[Dee]

I love that "tiny glimmers of beautiful possibilities"...so very true and you so deserve that and much more. How I hope for good news at the end of this interminable wait.

[JennaM]

Eight cells seems a little gauche, no? Down with cell-number discrimination!

Having good thoughts for you...

[Anna]

Hi,

Delurking to say I'm also in the 2ww (iui on Tuesday with injectables) and really loved & related to your post... beautifully written as ever.

thanks & I'll be thinking of you!

[liz]

Big, big hugs and the best of wishes.

[Pamplemousse]

Hey, I am no IVF superstar either! No worries.

There was a Test-tube Babies programme on tonight where a couple said their successful cycle was with the worst-quality embryos. (Not that there was anything wrong with the quality of your embryos):)

Stay cool!

[T]

I'm always rooting for the scrappy 5 cells!

[Kate]

I am going to keep my parts crossed for those embryos to grow into healthy happy babies...and go buy some ice cream and eat it in your honor.

Hugs,
Kate

[Lala]

You may not be "the IVF superstar" you dreamed you'd be but you sure just earned a heap more badges for that sash of yours!

[Meg]

I like your way of thinking about the two week wait. Also my first cycle wasn't flash, 11 eggs with only 2 embryos. Things seem to have gotten better as I went along. Good luck with everything.

[Cathy]

I'm with Dee, and like her, I think "tiny glimmers of beautiful possibilities" is gorgeous. I also think it's a great name for a blog. Wish I'd come up with that. Mare, enjoy your 2ww for the hope it does offer, and PLEASE keep writing. I was so happy to see that you posted today. Though I'm sorry to hear what prompted you to post, but nonetheless.... And your embryos are fine. They can change numbers BY THE MINUTE, practically. They are JUST cells doing their thing after all! When the doctor explained to us that they don't ACTUALLY divide simultaneously (that's why it's not 2-4-8-16-32, etc.) it finally dawned on me how TRULY ALIVE they are, and how they are going to do their own thing at their own pace and that I had no choice but to let them, but I certainly didn't have to worry about them as they were minding their own business (in the best sense of the phrase). Anyway, this post is no doubt all over the place (one of these days I'll return to my blog), but please know fans of you and fans of your embryos are sitting on the edge of their seats, caring not a bit about your boss and his four-walled, hinged-door office, but focused instead on our favorite, lovable B. Mare.

[Emily]

Raising an ice cream spoon in your honor (it would melt if I tried to send you a goodie bag -- the ocean thing you know).

Love ya Mare and sending hope along with my love.

[J]

I'm sorry about the fallen two, Mare. Here's hoping your happy two are just more comfy in a nice, live uterine environment than they were in that clinical, flourescent-lit petri dish.

And for what it's worth, I think these IVF superstars we've all read about are an urban legend. :)

[Puppermom]

Read your blog all the time but never post. De-lurking to say that I am up at 3:40AM because one of my two very fragmented 4 cells needed to be fed. The cycle before, I put back 4 beautiful 8 cells (I'm old so that's why we could put back so many) and I had a beautiful chemical.

Crossing my fingers for you.

[InSpring]

You never can tell about these things so you might as well hope.

[Erin]

Good luck, Mare. Looking forward to hearing what's happening down there, in utero, so to speak. So, when you gonna start peeing on a stick?

[MM]

Thinking of you. Hoping for you.

[Mellie]

Mare, How you can write such beautifully composed posts while undergoing all this is beyond me. Glad to hear that you're feeling optimistic, as despite scary google, you've got every chance in the world of a truly happy ending. I'm on the sidelines rooting for you and those 4 & 5 embryos.

[Heidi]

Back away from Google NOW... No good can come of it during the 2ww. Trust me.

It's best to do what you are doing... skip along with the knowledge of possibility and don't play the numbers/percentages game. You've got the right attitude and I love it.

Still crossing everything for you (It's getting a little uncomfortable being in this pretzel position for so long though.)

Much love, Heidi

[Amyesq]

Wow, you are so much more composed than I ever was during the 2WW. Good for you. All my appendages are crossed for you right now. I so want this to work for you.

[MsPrufrock]

I'm a bit premature saying this, but when I thought my next treatment would be IVF, I was quite happy as well. IVF does not carry with it low success rates like IUIs, which I still maintain are a bloody waste of time.

Quality, not quantity is important, amongst other complete assvice I could dispense. I wish you the best, as usual.

[Jill]

I find coping through ice cream to be an excellent strategy. I am hoping and praying for the full blown realization of beautiful possibilities for you, Mare. Your attitude is as wonderful as your writing.

[reprogirl]

Hoping hoping hoping hoping