The Hassle Factor

Whew. We do have a lot to talk about. This might run on for a couple of posts, so pull up a seat and pour yourself a tasty margarita or other cocktail of choice while I try to set my world to rights a little.

Firstly, I can assure you that tempting as the offer of having E. run over with BHM's truck may be, we are both still in one piece. In fact, I am doing surprisingly OK, generally. There is a zesty autumnal tang in the air, and I am suddenly feeling alive to the possibilities that this time of year seems to suggest to me.

Now. Many of you, in your comments, queried precisely what E. meant when he said that pursuing further fertility treatment was "too much hassle right now". Such a snippy little word, "hassle", isn't it? And note my continued use of the phrase "right now", which to my mind is a important and significant qualification to any bold statements made at any point about what we should or should not do.

One thing to bear in mind here is that with E., we are dealing with a particularly tricky species of man-thing. Namely, the red-blooded hominus caledonius, otherwise known as the Scottish male. Take your usual brand of uncommunicative, inarticulate and emotionally closed off male, and multiply it to the power of forty-two.

E., I think it is fair to say, has a lot on his proverbial plate. Leaving aside all the IVF stuff, he's just moved in with me permanently and full time, a first in the course of our long relationship. There's still stuff everywhere and nowhere to put it, because we suddenly realise this flat is too small and we will have to move again. Hurrah! Won't that be fun. And not only has he changed jobs, but he's taken a potentially risky career step. We both felt it was the right decision, but which at least in the short term is bound to increase the overall sense of that day to day fuckityfuck feeling.

It may sound like I am defending E., and in some ways I am. Because aside from anything else, I'm perfectly alive to the fact that infertility is a soul-sucking drain on a person's time and energy. And there's a huge part of me that is also screaming "Enough! Enough! "- though more on that in another post. But ultimately, the thing is, I respect E.. I respect the fact that we have both been through the mill this year (although it's me who has bourne the brunt of it, a fact he accepts). I appreciate that the thought of heaping more poo on the steaming pile of turds that is our experience of trying to have a child is an awful thought, even before you take into account all the adjustments to other major life changes and stressors. .

And I do believe, if you strip away some of my initial anger at the way he put it, that he didn't and doesn't mean to be hurtful. I think, as many commenters suggested, there is a message underneath the word "hassle", which encapsulates so so much. It was JennaM who really hit the nail on the head. Yes, I think that may be exactly what he meant: "hard...tired...can't we just pretend for awhile." Or maybe that is what I am capable of hearing, because it's what I myself think sometimes. Plus, he hates more than anything to see me crying and upset, and nothing brings out the weepy creepy in me like infertility related stuff.

Lastly, without going into the detail, I don't know if I can properly convey to you exactly what was involved with my intended Plan. But trust me, it is daunting- even for someone of my exceptional organisational tenacity, and even if he had agreed to it, I don't know if I could have actually pulled it off. It's so compelling to just put down this heavy load we have been carrying, and here I am suggesting what for us seems like the Mount Everest of fertility treatment.

Truth is, I think I could have sold it to him better. What I said was something like, "Honey, I think we should do international IVF somewhere very far away. We have to make two trips, the first of which is to basically re-do all our initial testing for no apparent reason but at vast expense. Oh, and then I have to stay out there the whole cycle, because there is no prospect of any local monitoring. Ah, and the total cost? Well, my sweet, I've made a few calls and if we both sell a kidney, it's totally affordable! OK? You with me on this?"

And then when he said no, I burst into hysterical sobs and fits of rage. Mmmmm. Perhaps not the most convincing sales pitch ever.

OK, so, that's one angle to all of this. Now, just to give a balanced view of where my head is at, in my next post I'll talk about why maybe we should run E. over with BHM's truck after all.

Comments

[tracy]

Makes more sense now. But it still raises questions that can be answered.

1. If his main objection is the cost, either work on a plan to come up with the money, or figure out a cheaper way to do it.

2. If his main objection is that there is too much going on right now, set a definite date in the future to start trying again.

3. If his main objection that he is emotionally wrung out and needs to not think about it for a while, set a definite date in the future to start trying again.

4. If his main objection is that he cannot stand to see you in such pain, point out that the waiting, and the not having, are causing you a great deal of pain, so this might only be making the problem worse.

And I can agree with his stance on any of those points. I think it's important that he get the "time off" he needs, but you get the concrete date you need, rather than an indefinite break.

[Jill]

I'm so glad that you are basically okay, Mare, and that things between you and E are basically okay, too, despite all the poo. Infertility already threatens to deny us the babies that we want so badly; in my opinion, the only worse thing that infertility could do to us would be to ruin our relationships with our partners on top of it. It's great that you are able to see things from E's point of view, even in the midst of your own frustration.

[Mellie]

I, too, commend you for being able to act so rationally about all of this. I sometimes have trouble myself with the fact that all the pain & misery I'm causing myself is because of MY want - not my husband's, not even OUR want. Is it really fair of me to ask D to put up with so much when the aimed for result isn't even something he necessarily wants?

I hope you and E can sort through the myriad fuckityfuck situations going on with you.

[thalia]

I'm glad that you're managing to keep your boat on such an even keel despite the massive amounts of poo that seem to be landing on it. I do believe that E will come round in the end, and of course you know better than any of us how to ensure that that happens. Please do also make sure that you're looking after yourself.

[mm]

You're right to (sort of) defend him. Afterall, you know what's really going on. But you're also dealing with this very tough situation with far more grace than I ever could. Good luck.

[Emily]

I'm thinking of you my dear.

[Kathy Napolitano]

You actually sound pretty good. Glad you understand his issue. I do hope that he will also understand you and you can come up with a win-win situation. Ick on the moving again thing. I've movced 7 times in 9 years. It is NOT fun. Hummm I wonder which is worse moving again or getting run over by a truck?

[ManhattanAnne]

I will share at this moment a lovely thing my father said to me in a very dark time. I was crying about the fact that I cannot seem to do the one thing I'm supposedly biologically driven to do: reproduce. I felt like I was failing at the one fundamental thing all living things are supposed to accomplish. And my Dad said. "No. The most basic drive is not to reproduce. The most basic drive is to *survive.* YOU matter more than anything. Don't lose yourself in the midst of all this. You matter." It was a deeply kind thing to say. Maybe the way to think about E's current stance is that he just needs to focus on survival for a little while...

[Katie]

I know all about the Scottish male. I hope you can work everything out!

[baby hungry man]

Vroom Vroom!

[Susan]

In addition to the injection teaching, IF clinics should have a class called Navigating the Male Psyche: What They Really Mean When They Say Things That Can Shatter Our Worlds.
FWIW, my Dh was dead set against IVF...the money being his main excuse...but we scraped it together and it turns out that money was so not the issue. He, too, was tired of it all, especially tired of seeing me unhappy most of the time and all that goes with IF.
Thinking of you as you and E. work through this together.

[Tonya]

I admire how you are able to present his side. That can be a challenge when you are at odds about something so big as A Plan. I respect that you are sensitive enough to be aware of E's footing as you as you negotiate this rocky ground. I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

[Jill]

Wow, kudos to you for being able to figure out not only your own self, but E as well. I hope you figure out something that you works for both of you.

[Lori]

Understanding where your partner is coming from is such an important part of marriage or any relationship. I'm glad you are making some progress on understanding each others' perspectives. Hopefully that will bring you to a place where you can both feel comfortable with the next steps.

[Amyesq]

I have seen BHM's truck, and, I think Anna will agree, mine is bigger. So when the time comes, I will help in any way possible.

But seriously folks, I DO see E's side in it and I appreciate that you do, too. That is huge. You two have both been through so much this year and E has exciting yet stressful changes going on workwise and I can see how he needs a little bit of time to settle in before he can start thinking of Le Grande Plan.

But I bet once he starts to get in the swing of things again, you can reopen discussions. And in the meantime you can keep doing your research and also plan that trip to Vegas to come and party your troubles away. Or at least to temporarily forget them. I am thinking of you.

[T]

I don't think you needed to write past "scottish male" - 'nuff said.