Turning the page

Well, ooooookaaay. I am feeling much, much better now- a bit battle weary but more my old self than not. I attribute that largely to two things. Firstly, we are going on vacation somewhere hot and sunny on Tuesday for two weeks, the prospect of which is undeniably cheering (despite the endless moronic commentary that I will get pregnant from all the relaxation).

Secondly, we have the preliminary makings of a Plan. Or I should say I have the makings, because at the moment E. is preoccupied with about ten million other things, all of which to his mind are considerably more pressing. Like in which box did he leave that particular piece of vital wiring and gadgetry.

I am sure he will catch up with me eventually, and that's fine. Because the plan I am formulating is so audacious, so logistically complicated and so jawdroppingly expensive that I need a chance to work up my sales pitch. There are moments when I have trouble believing myself that what I am about to propose could work- and I am not yet completely certain it will. But it is strangly soothing to me to have something to focus on-the mechanics of unfankling a hugely knotted ball of treatment fishing line.

What is clear at this juncture is that we will try again. The bottom line is, we do want to have a child. Adoption remains problematic for us for reasons discussed at length in earlier posts. So if IVF is a way to achieve having a family, then this is what we will do. True, I've done some bitter flailing and teeth gnashing in coming to accept this. Being unexplained doesn't make it easy, and up until now, it was very compelling to simply carry on secretly thinking that there was nothing really wrong with us.

However, failing to get pregnant despite undergoing IVF kind of puts a new spin on that one. Kind of hard to ignore that as Exhibit A in the ongoing "Truly Infertile or Just Unlucky?" inquiry.

What is also clear- to me anyway- is that I do not want to go back to the O.C. again. In retrospect, it did make sense to do our first attempt there. Because the doctors kept banging on about how we just needed to give our chances a little boost, how we were excellent candidates for IVF. And compared to the alternatives, it was relatively inexpensive. Plus at that point, we did own a place to stay in town, which made it convenient.

But it's also left me with a number of questions. Had we gone somewhere much better, with a higher success rate and standard, I might have a slightly different attitude to the aforementioned Exhibit A. As it is, I am still thinking, "OK, I didn't get pregnant. But the clinic was crap."

I mean, I was mentally trying not to slate them too much when I was doing the cycle, because I didn't want to bite the hand that might impregnate me, so to speak. And they weren't entirely without good points- for example, some of the nurses were quite sweet and the process itself was fairly straightforward. But taking a step back, there was a lot wrong. I mean, I basically chose my own protocol, for fucks' sake. And Dr Billy Fynn was an arse. In particular it annoys me that he managed to find the time to phone E. to chortle over those "outstanding semen analysis results", but he couldn't interrupt his fucking golf game for five minutes to simply phone me to say he was sorry, and would we at least like to come in to talk it over? Not. Acceptable. Plus, pee sample in the mail. Need I say more.

So, all that remains is to extract my medical records. And then that particular chapter of our infertility chronicles will be closed- for my part, without so much as a backwards glance. Stick around though, because I think the next chapter is about to get very interesting.

Comments

[Thalia]

OOh let me guess. You're such a tease. My guess is you're planning a trip to South Africa to do your next cycle. And flying business class.

Hmm. Not so sure now. You're going to the best clinic in the UK (according to the numbers) which I happen to know is extortionately expensive (ask me how I know, go on, ask) and takes months to get an appointment, and it's in London which will mean you have to travel a lot.

Hmm. Not sure I like that one either. Oh well. You'll tell us when you're ready. Glad you're in a better place.

[Manuela]

I'm so happy that you have a plan of attack in the works! For me... that always makes me feel more optimistic.

And... could you point me in the direction of the posts where you discuss adoption?? I'd really be interested to read your thoughts on the matter.

[Alexa]

I love having A Plan, it does seem to make the days more manageable, doesn't it?
I am glad you are feeling a bit better.

[Amanda]

Yay for a plan!

[Kate]

Plans are good! It seems like whenever things seem dark, a plan is an excellent light. I really truly hope it works, whatever it is.

[OvaGirl]

stuck like glue Mare, and great that you have a Plan. Have a fabulous holiday!

[Megan]

Hooray for having a Plan! Plans are good things.

And yes, I will definately be sticking around.

[Katie]

Adoption is also difficult for us, although possibly for different reasons. I'm glad you have a plan. Sometimes that alone can make you feel a bit better.

[Panda]

Ummm...you're planning on moving to Australia because its shedloads cheaper and covered by Medicare?

Plans are indeed excellent things. Go with the sales pitch. Oh, and have a great holiday.

[Erika]

Mare,

Your courage and good humour just about blow me away - I can't wait to hear the new plan (sounds kinda spooky and woooooo) ;) Have a fantastic time in the sun. As if we wouldn't be sticking around.....you are sending postcards and bringing back stripey rock for us all, right?! Have fun, girl :)

[Emily]

I've got my own chair and snacks. I'm going nowhere.

Kisses.

[PJ]

Can't wait to hear what plan B is. I have a feeling it's something good.

[LEB]

SA? Spain? Those are still my back-ups.

The clinic in London is extraordinarily expensive, but has just taken on 3 new drs & waiting times are much reduced - as soon as you've had an appointment you can start treatment. It is majorily stressful because you have to be there daily for stims (twice daily for the last 2 or 3 days) it is fucking exhausting (you don' get any TLC) but as a 'if the best can't get us pg I'll look at something different' it worked for us.

I hope you enjoy your holiday Mare - I wish the very best & look forward to hearing the plan.

[Betsy]

Congrats on having a plan. I always feel better with a plan, even if it takes a while to implement.
Have a wonderful, relaxing vacation!! (That's relaxing for no other purpose than relaxing!)

[Joie]

I'll be on the edge of my seat waiting to hear the plan!

I am in the same boat as you as far as being completely unexplained. It makes it so hard to accept. I am still battling my denial as I decide whether to do my first IVF.

I hope you have a refreshing and fun vacation (I will not say the "R" word!)

[Jen]

Glad to hear you sounding a bit better, working towards your plan. Best of luck, sweetie--and enjoy your vacation!

[zhl]

Vacation sounds like a great idea. Hope you've found a sunny, beautiful island that is for the moments hundreds of miles away from the island that we're on. We'll miss you but can't wait to hear the stories when you get back.

[Alex]

If you are doing what Thalia said I am with you...I already have tickets. I just need to find an RE there. Ohhh and upgrade my tickets to business because GOD as my witness I will never fly South African Airlines again without first class tickets. The plane seats are like a sardine can.

I am mad at you...how do you dare leave us hanging like that. WHAT ARE DOING??????????????? And yes I am yelling.

[Cat]

Have a smashing holiday and in the words of our wise RE..."Live it up a little" ya'll deserve it. Hoping the plan is sexy, mysterious and positively successful.

[Heidi]

Ohhhh I love a good mystery. But now you are going on a sunny vacation and leaving us hanging for ann inordinately long time. THAT is unacceptable.

But you know I love you, so that means I have to forgive you, I suppose.

Have lots of fun and drink lots of strong beverages. Can't wait until you are back.

[Dead Bug]

God, the joy of having a plan. Hope this one involves a caring, involved R.E. and the best injectibles on the market.

--Bugs

[mm]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense? I know, I know, you'll tell me in two weeks... Seriously can't wait to hear your ingenious plan. Have an amazing time on your vacation!!

[Anna]

Great!!! Glad to hear you are feeling better & off to a sunny & warm place.

Enjoy!!

[Tonya]

Wishing you a fabulous holiday with much fun and good memories in the making!

So... is it the top-rated clinic in Colorado? Or something else entirely? Can't wait to hear The Plan as it develops. Having one a Plan sure brought my sad arse out of a major backslide earlier this year after my third m/c, so more power to ya for starting to formulate a new one!

[SheilaC]

Bon voyage! Have a lovely holiday. I hope you'll tell us all about it on your return. Very curious to know where you went, since you have so many great destinations to choose from when you're starting from the U.K.

And hooray for the positive energy that comes from making a new plan.
Best wishes,