Seatech Astronomy

There was a movie called Sneakers on TV here, a couple months ago. It's a charming, slightly silly film. One of the lesser Robert Redford efforts, admittedly. However, I found it worth watching, partly because I couldn't remember how it ended and partly because I felt a swoony nostalgia at seeing River Phoenix again on the screen. Ah, River. River, River, River. Alas, we hardly knew ye.

I won't bore with you the plot of the movie, mainly because it's too complicated; not to mention that I have already forgotten what it is about (again). But in one pivotal scene, Le Redford and that actress Mary McDonnell (you know, "Stands with a Fist" to Kevin Costner's "Dances with Wolves") decode the meaning of the mysterious words "Seatech Astronomy". They do so during a friendly Scrabble game, shuffling and rearranging the tiles- until they realise that in fact, Seatech Astronomy itself means nothing. It is an anagram.

An anagram for: Too Many Secrets.

This weekend, E. and I played something of a Scrabble game with our relationship. It turns out that there is a very great deal more going on than meets the eye. I learned that when unscrambled, one of the anagrams of our life together amounts to the same thing: too many secrets.

My biggest secret from E. has heretofore been the existence of this blog. I've been writing it for the last seventeen months (gosh, has it been that long? Do I get a gold watch or something?) and never breathed a word to him about it. Initially, I kept it from him because it was simply an experiment; one which I didn't imagine would amount to much, since hey! I was going to get pregnant any day now and then why would I need an infertility blog? Oh irony, you minx.

I felt from the outset it would easier to write if I knew it was a private endevour, not something I had to discuss or share. But then I wrote more and more, becoming increasingly drawn into not only the realisation that I was card-carrying infertile but that there was a fascinating online community of others like me. I began to worry that he wouldn't like it at all. That he would in fact be monumentally pissed off at me for telling the Internets all our personal stuffus, even though I have always striven to maintain as much anonymity as I could muster. In the end, the more I wrote, the more I fretted that eventually, he would find out- and that he would murder me and then break up with me.

But by that point, it was hard to think about 'fessing up, because I kinda felt like I had hit my stride a bit; that writing was working for me, and had become an important outlet for all the damp, murky fears. However, I think it also began to take its toll. Writing, reading and commenting on other blogs began to take up a massive amount of my limited spare time and energy. If I've ever annoyed one of my lovely commenters by not responding to you personally, trust me when I say that it's about all I can manage time-wise, just to write the damn thing, and to keep up with the events of others.

I suppose at some point, I was so into telling my story here that I pretty much stopped talking to E. about what I was feeling/thinking about our situation. Gradually, the blog became the kind of secret that fortifies the wall, rather than an outlet that builds bridges.

Well, he knows now, since I told him. To my utter astonishment, he was completely unfazed by the whole thing, or at least he appeared to be. Whether he'll read it in full or just skim it (Hello, E. Put your dishes in the dishwasher, please), or take no interest whatsoever, I don't know. Either way, I'd like to think that I can keep on writing it as honestly, unselfconsciously, and freely as I have before. Because I suspect in the coming months, I'm going to need to be able to do that.

I would tell you exactly why that is so, but, um...it's a secret.

Comments

[jane]

oh my gosh, what's happening? what's the secret? you must tell us!

[cass]

What a tease, Mare. No fair.

Also, Sneakers is one of J's favorite movies, so I've seen it a fair number of times (though none recently, actually). My favorite bit is when she's trying to get the guy to say "passport", but maybe that's because it's one of the few scenes I can remember after the fact.

[Cricket]

I loved Sneakers, Dan Ackroyd as well. River is lovely - and I laugh so hard at his other B rated flick, I Love You To Death.

My blog is a secret still. You are brave and wise.

I find myself quoting from my blog in real life. It helps me process so much, too, that I am able to remember the things that led to decisions/actions. I can't come clean, tho. No way.

Can't wait for the surprise to be revealed.

[DD]

Initially Jerry knew about my blog but when the in-law thing blew up in my face, I had to change and hide everything, post-haste, or face almighty damnation and eternal flames...or so it seemed. However, if he asked me, I would again let him in the sect. Maybe then he would get more out of the laptop than Ebay and solitare .... mmmmmmmmmmm...

I hope that he continues to respect your frankness as it seems to have brought you comfort, as well as succor to so many others.

[fisher queen]

I hinted to my hub that he might want to read an entry or two- officially, I've asked him not to, just so I can feel "free" about it, but sometimes I think it might be the best way for him to understand what I'm thinking.

And yes, I want to know the secret too!

[Emily]

'A' knows about my blog. It's a way for us to communicate so I don't have to have yet another tearful exchange about how miserable I'm feeling.

Thinking of you.

[baby hungry man]

So are you coming to live with us in a few months? Is that the secret?

Looking forward to a house full of infertile wimminz.

[Molly]

A secret?! Ooooo.

Big thing, revealing the blog to E. I'm proud of you.

[Alexa]

Mare, you are freaking me out, a bit. Is it a bad secret? A good secret?

The Nearly knows about my blog, but won't read it anymore. When I ask him to read an entry he gets all huffy and says "Why don't you just tell me!"

Probably when E. reads yours, he will be terribly impressed.

[Suz]

I enjoyed the movie Sneakers too, and am glad that you and E got everything out in the open. The "secret" sounds promising and I look forward to reading about it when you're ready to reveal.

[Jill]

Please let us in on the secret! I'm dying of suspense over here!

It's good that you told E about your blog and that he is okay with it. Now if he reads it he will realize what a talented writer you are, and maybe it will help him to understand more fully how infertility affects you.

From the beginning, I told my husband about my blog. He thinks it is a great outlet for me and is supportive about it, but he calls it my "secret garden" and doesn't read it regularly unless I ask him to.

[Heidi]

I'm just glad to hear your "voice"....

XXOO

[mm]

Mr. Limboparty was initially fascinated by my blog. He could not believe that I could write soemthing that real live infertiles would read and then comment on. I honestly think he thought I was totally insane for a while there... He hinted around about me going back to work on a staff as freelancing was giving me too much time alone! But he has since forgotten about it, which makes writing a bit easier. I don't have to worry about him questioning my unique version of reality.

I'm dying to know what the secret is!! Will you tell us eventually??

[Amyesq]

No, BHM, she's coming to live with US! That's the secret. I am so glad you let E in on this. I am hoping it proves useful.

Oh, and Sneakers - is that the one where they need to get the guy to say "passport"? "I just get soo turned on when a man says passport." Loved that movie.

[Pamplemousse]

Aw jeez, Mare! Don't be a tease. There is a name for women like you hahahaha!

[Lisa]

I just recently started blogging. I mentioned it to my husband and he sounds like he has no interest in reading it whatsoever. I joke with him when I leave the window open and step out the room that he can read my diary now. I guess he feels it's private for me even though I don't care. I love how blogging is private and public at the same time.

[JJ]

What is this? Sweeps week?

Patiently awaiting your revelation.

[Menita]

OK so let me get this straight: you tell E about your blog but you keep your secret from US????
Your priorities suck.

[OvaGirl]

sometimes I wish my blog was a little more secret, lots of my friends know and I find that they pass the address onto others.

[thalia]

Only one person I know in real life reads my blog. H knows about it but doesn't know where it is and won't look for it. I asked him not to as I wanted to write about his issues as well, and knew that if I knew he was reading it that would cramp my style. But recently I've been almost wishing he would read it, at least the recent stuff.

I'm not going to tell any other RL people about it. I want to be able to bitch and moan without worrying about the consequences!

Well done for telling E, I'm interested to hear what his responses are.

[Sandy]

No one knows about my blog in my RL. I really couldn't be as frank on it if they did I don't think. For me, it's like when I used to keep a journal. I would write as if I was writing Anne Frank's Journal, sure to be the next best seller...and it never worked for me.

If HB happened to stumble upon it, I"m not sure how it would go - he's pretty private. I probably fool myself by thinking that not too many people in my area surf IF blogs...yet there's a woman I work directly with who also reads. Silly me.

Will you throw us hints about the secret???

[April]

Hoping that it's a *good* secret that you're keeping love.

Michael knows about my blog, and occasionally I'll bust him out on reading - but now he even helps me come up with material (somewhat unwittingly at times)

[cat]

You keep that secret as long as you like. Hope it develops into something special.

Mr. Miao knows of the blog and generally couldn't care one bit about it. He does assist in material at times with his ever hilarious one liners.

[zhl]

Chubby knows I have a blog, but I didn't tell him about it for a long time. I told him I didn't want him reading it, but now I don't know if he's found it.

And keeping us in the dark? How evil of you!

[pixi]

Ooh, so intriguing! It's also great to see a hint of hope and promise...