You can lead a horse to water but...

Blogging can sometimes be like an amateur striptease. If you're not careful, you inadvertently slip the veil just a little lower than you really meant to go, and suddenly, your life is all nekkid and exposed to the world. To the funny, fickle, furry, friendly, freaky Internets.

The difficulty is that when describing a relationship, which by its nature does not neatly compress into a bite-sized Postie Snak, one post on the matter inevitably begets another. Suddenly I find I have opened a veritable Pandora's box about a topic which I never really intended to discuss in any sort of detail with the Internets at large.

I don't want this to turn into a blog about my life with E. and yet I realise in reading your comments that it's sometimes hard to give only a half glimpse behind the curtain (or of my frilly knickers, to extend the striptease analogy further than is in strictly good taste).

What you, the reader, inevitably get is a necessarily distorted picture, filtered through a single, unrelenting lens of infertility. It just so happens that, unsurprisingly, infertility seems to bring out the worst in me, in him, in us. But there's so much more to it, to us and our life together, than the infertility fallout. And it leaves me feeling vaguely uneasy- as if I set out to draw a self portrait, and instead handed over a scribbled sketch that resembled someone else entirely.

I suppose the only way to remedy the problem is to invite you all around for an extended chat over coffee and donuts at my house (or perhaps something a bit more potent, nearer the cocktail hour). But obviously there's a few, um, logistical problems with that, not the least of which I am on a diet and cannot eat donuts.

There is one thing I want to say- in the comments on the last post, I responded to Yellowgirl's analogy about waiting for a marriage proposal- the gist of which is that by not mentioning it, by not pushing it, he came around so much quicker to the idea in his own time. I suppose I was slightly flippant in my remarks, but the nub of what I meant was this: if I have to wait for a further decision to pursue IVF treatment for as long as I have been waiting for a marriage proposal, I could be waiting a looooooong time.

Please understand, I'm not drawing any particular correlation to E.'s attitudes toward wedded bliss and his thinking about further treatment, because that's not really how it works in the parameters of our relationship. In fact, I was trying in my offhand way to make a different point entirely. And that is, when it comes to E., "not mentioning it" is not necessarily a sure fire tactic. Admittedly, it's probably the preferable approach overall- even though holding my tongue about things like this is not my strong suit. But with E., there is no guarantee that leaving him on his own to think about something is actually going to help either.

If we're going to make it through this, I think we need to draw a line in the sand of the no-man's land between us. And then ultimately someone has to take a step toward the other side.

If nothing else, perhaps one day we will manage to meet in the middle.

Comments

[Pamplemousse]

No worries, Mare! I am an expert on Homo Caledonius and their quirks so I know exactly where you are coming from.

PS Doughnuts? Coffee? Cocktails? Where's my invite??

[thalia]

Mare,

I went back and reread the comments on the last post, and I think other than maybe 2 comments, we all seem to be sympathising with E to some extent, or at least trying to, while obviously wanting to help you over an incredibly difficult situation and a very unpleasant conversation. So certainly speaking for myself, I am well aware that one assholey comment does not an asshole make. Just because we're beating him up about that, doesn't mean that we don't think he's great for you in other ways, don't see how well he can support you on other issues, etc. We are very open to loving him, because he loves you, and we love you, so there's clearly an overlap in how we feel and he feels. So there must be a lot of good in him to be so smart about picking you and all.

We will just continue to be your cheering squad, please forgive us if we go over the top sometimes.

In the meantime, I think you will need to find the right balance between leaving well enough alone and bringing it up again. You simply cannot let this lie for longer than a few months. First because that's going to kill you and why should you manage all the stress on this topic (sorry, back to kicking E a bit again, I apologise), and second because time does matter in this game and he doesn't, I'm sure, want to be the male equivalent of that warhol-esq postcard with the blond woman saying: I can't believe I forgot to have children!

Shit this is hard. Wish I could do/say more.

[Lori]

When J and I are arguing or frustrated with one another, I used to get my panties in a twist over who was going to be the first one to step over the line toward the other. But I've realized that it doesn't matter who the first one is. It's not about who's right, wrong or being obstinate. What matters is doing whatever it takes to maintain a solid, healthy and nuturing relationship. In every relationship, it's going to require different things to maintain that balance. I hope you and E. are able to meet in the middle and soon. It's hard being all by yourself on opposite sides of the line in the sand.

[J]

I'm with Thalia -- I apologize if my comment on your last post seemed too judgemental of E. You are obviously a wonderful person, so I assume your E. is too. It's just that in this situation, I can't help but take your side from back here in the peanut gallery.

I wish there were a compromise position...maybe there is, but I sure can't see it. Thinking of you.

[wessel]

I have nothing intelligent to add on the topic of E, but I just wanted to say that you are an excellent writer.

[B. Mare]

I didn't mean to imply in this post that my commenters were crossing a line, or being overly judgemental- certainly not in the context of the recent ongoing discussions. It's just sometimes I feel a bit nervous about presenting one side of a complicated story- one in which I myself seem to change my own mind about what's going on at least 16 times a day.

But trust me, I love all you peanuts in the peanut gallery. In your little peanuty suits.

[fisher queen]

You shouldn't feel nervous about presenting 'one side of a complicated story'. As you know, in this corner of the blogosphere everything is complicated, and we're all familiar with that. We're just here with you trying to be good peanuts. Say whatever you want!

[amnesia]

You know, I read something similar to this on several blogs, Tertia's comes to mind. All of us are in relationships that make sense to us and work for us. Our journals report our side of life - that is the purpose. You are not responsible for conveying E's or anyone else's feelings about anything here - and you sure as hell don't have to explain that to us. We read because we like to...no expectations or judgement.

[Lori]

How fun! I just went added it to my blog - thaks for the tip!

[Yellowgirl]

Wow! My first ever mention in a famous blogger's entry! Cool! (sorry, fame is exciting!). I would love to blog, but the idea makes my DH uncomfortable, so I just stalk you all and fill your comment boxes!
Yellowgirl

[Nicole]

I agree with you Mare. I didn't push about the marriage issue and we were together 5 years before the wedding. I wanted to push, but always thought women who did that were 'wrong' somehow. Once we began 'trying' and I knew in my heart that we weren't fertile, I bagan to push. We were at the clinic within 6 months of trying and found that we have severe male factor. We have good friends who also waited, and just expected to have kids. They were trying for more than a year when I asked if they had gone to a clinic yet. They hadn't and when they did found that they also have severe male factor.

I don't think pushing in every situation is the right thing to do, but if you wait for someone else to know your mind without you telling them you could wait forever and still be disappointed.

NCD112