Bloggus Interuptus

I may be at the end of my tether.

The thing about writing an infertility blog is that when the movement toward to a resolution- be it pregnancy, adoption, or living child free- grinds to a halt for some reason, it suddenly becomes very hard to talk about anything at all. I personally am not very fond of discussing the ways in which my wheels are spinning- how I am trapped, stuck, and do not see a way out. Or, to be blunt, I do see a way out, but it is a harsh and undesirable solution, and means the end of any possibility of having a family for the foreseeable future.

I know I have mentioned subtly and perhaps not so subtly that things were not going very well here. In the face of this, I have been soldiering on, but I have to tell you, I am exhausted. I am absolutely exhausted. It is very hard to write about thwarted motherhood, plans for further treatment, or indeed what my future life will look like, when at this point I don't even know if E. wants to spend Christmas with me. The life I knew and loved is turning to ashes and dust right before my eyes, and I don't know what to do about it. I can barely bring myself to talk about it, even to people who I know love and care about me. My heart is sorely bruised, perhaps broken, and it is all I can do to keep the rest of me from shattering into a million tiny pieces.

For now I will simply keep staggering on and hope that things will either get better, or that I will have the strength to do what I have to do to get myself out of this mess. But it looks like it won't be terribly pretty in the meantime.

Much as I love you all, I need some time to think things through, out of the glare of the Internets. So I am taking a brief blog hiatus to collect my thoughts, seek some clarity and regroup. I expect to be spending a great deal of time in the bath, on the treadmill and under the duvet. Hopefully when I come back, I will be feeling much better or else (temporarily) much worse.

Either way, I plan to be firmly on the road to something wholer and saner.

Update: My peoples, I adore your sweet comments and thank you for all your good wishes. In return, please rest assured that when I said "brief hiatus", I meant more of a refreshing pausing for breath in this conversation we are having, and not a permanent parting of the ways. I may be some time, but not quite in the meaning of poor brave Captain Oates.

Comments

[Nico]

I am so sorry that it has come to this, that IF has left you in such a bad place. I hope from the bottom of my heart that everything will work out, whatever form that might take. You have been an inspiration, and have definitely left your mark on the IF blogworld - I can't tell you how many places I've read about infertility island.

Enjoy your family over the holidays (as much as you can while waiting on your father!), and take all the time you need. We'll be thinking of you, hoping for you, and still be here for you if / when you decide to come back.

[Jen]

I'm so sorry that things are so tought right now Mare. We'll be waiting for you and take all the time you need. I'm hoping that things get better and will be thinking about you.

[penelope]

Dear Mare - things sound exhausting and dire and this is a terrible time of year in general for emotional upsets. Do whatever you need to do and thank you so much for all you have already contributed to those of us out here in blogland.

At least over there you can indulge in some really alcoholic Xmas pudding with custard sauce.... mmm...good under the duvet or in the bath but don't indulge while on the treadmill!

[Raia]

I will be so sorry to see you go, even for a short while, because your writing helps me to process so much of what I am going through. Of course, I completely understand and obviously you should take your time to take care of yourself. I do hope you are good to yourself in whatever ways you can be.

I also want to mention that part of the infertility "journey" includes the parts where we are stuck -- either because we need time to process what's going on and perhaps reevaluate the plan; or because our partners don't agree on what to do next, if anything; or because our bodies won't cooperate. This road has a LOT of red lights.

For me, one of the hardest parts of this is that I can't just make a decision and implement it. That is what I am used to in so much of my life. Here, though, I've got to not only deal with an uncooperative body but what also feels like an uncooperative spouse. I can envision how dealing with this will make our marriage stronger, but that hasn't happened yet. So far, the best I can say is that it mostly hasn't driven us apart. Yet, we are at the beginning of the journey, and I fear that his patience and willingness to follow me on this road will give out long before I am willing to veer onto another path. And I am becoming angry that our process involves me gathering as much information as I can and then presenting it to him. I am constantly taking the lead on what I think we should do next, then playing advocate for my position in an effort to 'convince' him what we need to do. Why isn't he consulting Dr. Google, or even his own doctor? Why doesn't he browse through the books? Why isn't he becoming more informed about this...isn't this OUR struggle? Why can't he pay more than lip service to the notion that we are a team, that our child will only result from OUR concerted efforts? I say all this b/c maybe your E is like my guy, who honestly believes in all that "just relax" nonsense, but also urges me to "be positive" and STILL, despite repeated biology lessons, doesn't understand why it infuriates me.

I want you to know that if you have experienced some of the same, you are not alone.

[Pronoia]

My thoughts will be with you.

[Amyesq]

You know I am always here for you. Love you.

[beaver girl]

I'm thinking of you and please let me know if there's anything I can do.

[deborah]

Mare, my heart is with you.

[jude]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're stuck and i hope you find what it takes to get unstuck.

[zhl]

Oh, Mare, I'm so sorry things aren't going well right now. Yours was the first blog I found, and I don't know how I would have made it through the last year without it, and the others I found through you.

Please let us know when we can build you a campfire and roast some marshmallows.

Thinking of you while you do what you need.

[thalia]

Well, I want to cry out and protest, no you can't go, we need you so, but I know that's childish and ridiculous, so I won't.

I will say that I am very sorry that life has dropped you in such a pile of poo. No one deserves this.

Take the time you need. Blogland will miss you beyond the telling of it. We will be here for you whenever you want or need us.

[thalia]

Well, I want to cry out and protest, no you can't go, we need you so, but I know that's childish and ridiculous, so I won't.

I will say that I am very sorry that life has dropped you in such a pile of poo. No one deserves this.

Take the time you need. Blogland will miss you beyond the telling of it. We will be here for you whenever you want or need us.

[MsPrufrock]

I cannot add anything original, but I feel like the others - I don't want to be without your posts for awhile, but your wellbeing is important, not our reliance on your writing.

I hope your hiatus is healing and that things are better for you sooner rather than later.

[Meredith]

I just started reading your blog within the last few weeks, and I have grown very attached to it. ALthough I dont' know you, my heart jsut breaks for you right now, as our situations are painfully similar.

Without going into the awful details, my husband of three and a half years have been trying to conceive almost as long as we have been married. A year into the journey he had surgery to repair a varicocele that was causing horribly low sperm counts. A little more than 2 years into our journey, I surprisingly found myslef pregnant, only to miscarry at 5 weeks. We embarked on IVF 2 cycles after that, since our doctor told us that the likelihood of natural conception was terribly low. During the suppression phase (yep, that's right!) of IVF I found myslef surprisingly newly pregnant again. At 9 weeks there was no heatbeat, although we had joyfully seen it a week prior. Sadly, my second miscarriage had to be induced, only 5 months after my first. We took a month off and then did a round of IUI and CLomid (since it was obvious that my husband's sperm could fertilize an egg on their own).
Our fertility journey was long and hard, and it ended badly.

The day I got my period after our failed IVF, my husband tald me he didnt' love me anymore and he wanted out of our marriage. I was shocked and devastated. I felt so betrayed, and I mourned the loss of not only my husband and our relationship, but the loss of a dream to ahve children. "Oh, you're still young- you can meet someone else and have kids!" my friends and family all said, but it was little consolation. After 3 years of trying to have a baby with a man that I loved and still love deeply, and having that dream within my reach twice, only to see it all fall to pieces, the news that he didnt' want to be with me anymore was more than I thought I could bear.

It's been a month. We still talk, although about nothing important. SOmetimes I blame myslef for focusing too much on trying to have a baby- and sometimes I blame him for not being strong enough to be a supportive husband when everything in our lives turned upside down. I am coping, but the feeling of having the ground fall out from under me is still very fresh. I completley relate to what you are feeling, and I hope that if you and your husband are right for each other, you can find a way out of this current situation with your relationship intact. And I have learned that if he is not right for you, you CAN go on and fulfill your dreams without him. I know how painful the loss of the dream of having a family is, even if it's only temporary. My thoughts are with you now and I hope that we both find peace this holiday season.

[bermuda]

I am a total asshole for not letting you know that I have been here silently this whole time, reading, hoping, wishing, and my heart hurting for you lately--I never left, always lurking.

I just need you to know how much I admire you, how much I value your words, and how much I care about your life.

I wish you peace, rest, and for the sun to warm your soul.

I will be here when you return.

Much adoration,
Janet

[Anna H.]

Love you, Mare.

I am here.

xxoo

[Lindy]

Take all the time you need. We'll miss you terribly, but we'll be here when you get back. Looking forward to seeing your name in bold on my bloglines account again,

Lindy

[Kate]

Huge hugs, sweetie. Please take care of yourself...we'll be here when you're ready.

Kate

[Manuela]

You know we'll all be here waiting for you whenever you feel you need us...

[Betsy]

Mare,
I am so sorry for all you are going through. Please take care of yourself, whatever that entails. We'll miss you!

[cat]

Wishing you peace and a clearer path. May your hiatus bring you this and more. You will be in my thoughts and will hope for the best for you.

[Jenn]

Take care of yourself.

[Ally]

I'm sorry. Take care.

[ovagirl]

Oh Mare.

I think I must be completely fucking thick. Have finally realised what might be going on.

I'm so sorry.

Take care. THinking of you.

xxx

[Louise]

Sending love to you Mare. Be well.

[lobster girl]

dear sweet mare. i hate that things are so hard for you. and hope that time away gives you the space you need to work through it all.

[Dead Bug]

Oh, sweet Mare, I am so sorry. Infertility is a world of dreadful all on its own; adding any other life upheaval on top of it is just cruel. Whatever the situation is, there is one thing that is certain: you are one helluva strong woman, even when you're feeling weak.

If ever you want to take a break from everything in your life and spend some time in sunny California with blog friend-strangers...

--Bugs

[Lala]

I, for one, would love to spend Christmas with you. That would be like a big lottery win! I understand to a certain degree what's going on with you because my marriage is lying on the floor like a discarded candy wrapper. I have no words of strength or wisdom because I haven't figured it out yet myself.
Good luck, take care.

[Amanda]

Oh, Mare. I'm so sorry. I hope the break is good for you.

[Karen]

Infertility takes such a terrible toll, sometimes a break is all you can do. I'll miss your wit and wisdom and will be right here waiting, whenever you want or need to post again.

[Pamplemousse]

You know if you need someone to talk to, I am here. Only 2 hours by train! This whole load of crap is too hard to deal with. I know that when things are hardest with me, I do not want to blog about it as that means having to acknowledge it in the cold hard light. Take care, sweetie.

[B]

Hoping whatever it is, you find your way through with ease. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Andrea]

Thinking of you.

[Emily]

I love you Mare. You know where to find me if you need anything. Anything at all.

xo,
Em

[Toni]

Mare,

I'm so sorry to hear that things are not going well. I think it was Tertia who said this infertility shit will fuck up your relationship faster than an affair, and I think she's absolutely right. I hope E comes around, but I know you're strong enough to handle it if he doesn't. I wish you the best.

[Suz]

Take care of yourself, Mare.

[wessel]

Mare, I'm going to send you an email, but just wanted to quickly say that I'm sorry you are in such turmoil with critical decisions in front of you--I wish you the very best. Take all the time you need, but you will be missed.

[moogielou]

Coming out of the woodwork to offer my support. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

I am thinking of you.

[fisher queen]

I'm hoping for peace and good things for you.

[Cathy]

Oh, I will miss you so, Mare. But most of all, I hope things come around, that they straighten up, that they turn good and work out in a happy ideal way for you. And when you're under that duvet or on that treadmill or in the bath, remember, remember, remember all our good wishes and Internet cheer for you.

[Heidi]

A longtime reader (and lurker), I have been following with great dismay and sympathy the escalation of the wheel-spinning. I am so sorry for your troubles and hope that you find some peace and a sense of direction soon.

Like several others who've written, I've been there too. I was 35 when my husband of 11 years decided he did not want to pursue having a family with me--which in our case would have meant infertility treatment or adoption. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I had to end the marriage. I'm now 43 and very happily remarried, with a 10-month-old son conceived through IVF/DE. Since we still have some frozen embryos, we may even try for another baby . . . once the first one starts sleeping through the night.

I realize that others' stories may be scant consolation or inspiration right now, but I am here to say that, however much a cliche it may be, as long as there is life there truly is hope.

[Mary Scarlet]

Mare, good luck, I am sorry to see you go and hope you will drop us an update at some point in the near future. I also hope this is a down patch for you and not the end of the road. Will be thinking of you. Enjoy your holiday as much as you can. We all hold you in our hearts.

[Emma also Jane]

What a bastard life can be at times. I'm sure you will weather what comes with your usual strength and humour when you can see what it is. The not-knowing is hardest. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping you find a way to get back to the life you love soon. It has been a joy reading your thoughts, and you've inspired me with your writing many times. Good luck, and courage.
Emma

[Meg]

Mare my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something I could say or do. IF is so gut wrenching and unfair. I have been stuck, depressed, sad etc. and only now think that I just might come through all this. But things have a way of dragging us back down, not the least cruel words from people who don't understand the pain we go through.
Look after yourself, I have always found your blog inspiring and witty. You deserve the best,
Lots of love,
Meg

[Tonya]

Mare, I will be here when you return. I hope you can find a path through what you are dealing with. IF is such a bitch by itself, without all the personal relationship carnage to deal with. I hate that you are in this awful place. I am sending you my thoughts, and hope that through some twist of fate the positive thoughts of a stranger half a world away can make some small difference as you struggle to find a new normal.

[DD]

It's been hard watching you go through a very personal hell and witness the crumbling away of your heart and soul with all this IF-related shit. I know that this hiatus will fortify all that has been weakened so when you do come back, you will be that much stronger. Love you.

[deannavs]

Sometimes we all need a break, I think. I hope yours helps you to sort things through and find some peace along the way.

Best wishes......deanna

[pixi]

Oh that's a great reference (the Oates thing). Take the time you need, but know we'll be looking forward to hearing from you again. Wish you well, mare.

[Menita]

You do sound at the end of your rope. Take all the time you need, we'll be here when you come back. And while you are away, I will be thinking of you and refreshing your site until you return.
I wish you peace.

[Jill]

Snickering over Mr. Oates, and wishing you well. I hope things resolve for the best.

[reprogirl]

Mare, you were one of the very first people in this community to reach out to me and welcome me in. You have been a voice in the wilderness for me, a warm and wise, intelligent and funny voice, and that has meant more than I can say. You're more real to me than so many people I know in flesh and blood. My heart's breaking into a million pieces for you - I think I have some inkling what you're going through, enough anyway to realize that I have no idea what you're going through. I want everything good for you. I hope you won't stay away too long. But as long as you need to.

[nina]

I'm new to this blogging thing, so I've only recently been getting caught up with your posts. I'm glad you're out there. This IF stuff is crappy, unfair, and yes, exhausting. I hope things work out- for you, and for the rest of us too. I think about all the hopes I had when my husband and I got married, bought our house and began what I thought was going to be a long happy life together. Sometimes I look around and think, how did this happen? Is this really my life? It's hard to build something good with your partner when every day is filled with pain, and with reminders of what you wanted (and tried, and tried) to have, but couldn't.
Please take care of yourself. I'll check back from time to time in the hope that you have returned.
n.

[JennaM]

This exhaustion, fear, and disorientation demands absolutely all of one's inner resources and more, Mare. It is more than understandable that you should need a break from blogging about it all.

Wishing you all good things in the world.

Jenna

[Anna]

Hi Mare,

I'm so very sorry to hear things are not improving... I'll be thinking of you & will definitely miss your brilliant, beautiful posts.

xoxo,

Anna W.

[Jill]

Mare, I'm so sorry that your heart is breaking in so many ways. Do whatever you need to do to take good care of yourself right now; we'll be here when you get back. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Molly]

Take your time, Mare. It's so sad to hear about your current situation. I'm hoping things get worked out.

[Milly]

I'm so, so sorry. Thinking of you.

[PJ]

I'll be waiting for you when you return. Take care of yourself.

[T]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. Regroup, baths, duvets - all good. We'll be here for you when you return.

[Mellie]

Oh Mare, Take the time you need and may it do you worlds of good. I want to thank you for your wise, poetic, incisive posts and let you know that I'm a better person for having gotten to know you a little bit. You'll be missed around here on IF island. Take care, you.

[liz]

Nothing to add, just my hugs.

[J]

Oh Mare, I certainly understand the need to take a blog break -- I pray it gives you the air and space that you need. I'll miss you very much, though.

Your beauty and spirit, humor and intelligence just shine through your words. I can't help but feel that if E. somehow let you slip through his fingers, he would profoundly regret it. There just aren't many people like you around. Thinking of you, and waiting patiently for the day you return.

[ms pickled eggs]

Take as much time as you need. We'll all still be here for you when you're ready to return. (And you'd better come back!)

[ManhattanAnne]

Mare-

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. You really really sound like you could use a break from everything, not just the blog, but the identity as infertile, the conflict with E, just everything. I hope you can find some way to get away. We will keep the fires lit on the beach and scan the horizons till you come back.

Many thanks for all your warm and wise words, both here and in the occassional comment.

-Anne

[Katie/WannaBeMom]

I so hear everything you said here loud and clear. If you need an extra duvet, just holler. Or bath suds. Or anything. Be good to yourself. Okay?

[Kas]

Ditto what everyone else said: take as much time as you need and know that there are a whole heap of people thinking of you and wishing you well.

[Alexa]

Just checking in, wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I am so sorry Mare. I hope time and space bring some some of the chaos under control, so that you can see your way forward. This is just the hardest thing I can think of, what you are going through. I wish there were something I could do.

[mm]

We'll be here, thinking of you and holding your hand.

[Kristin]

Thinking of you and praying for you dear Mare.

[persephone]

Mare, I've been thinking of you often. Much love to you.

[Lisa P.]

Mare, I was a later arrival to your blog and will certainly miss you, but understand that life sometimes deals us things that we need to handle on our own. I hope that whatever is going on between you and E. is resolved, or that you get some peace, no matter what happens. I'm so sorry things are so bad right now but I'm thinking of you.

[Menita]

Hey Mare, I'm out here, thinking of you. Mucho love to you, dear Mare.

[Anna H.]

Thinking of you, dearest Mare.

xxoo