I may be at the end of my tether.
The thing about writing an infertility blog is that when the movement toward to a resolution- be it pregnancy, adoption, or living child free- grinds to a halt for some reason, it suddenly becomes very hard to talk about anything at all. I personally am not very fond of discussing the ways in which my wheels are spinning- how I am trapped, stuck, and do not see a way out. Or, to be blunt, I do see a way out, but it is a harsh and undesirable solution, and means the end of any possibility of having a family for the foreseeable future.
I know I have mentioned subtly and perhaps not so subtly that things were not going very well here. In the face of this, I have been soldiering on, but I have to tell you, I am exhausted. I am absolutely exhausted. It is very hard to write about thwarted motherhood, plans for further treatment, or indeed what my future life will look like, when at this point I don't even know if E. wants to spend Christmas with me. The life I knew and loved is turning to ashes and dust right before my eyes, and I don't know what to do about it. I can barely bring myself to talk about it, even to people who I know love and care about me. My heart is sorely bruised, perhaps broken, and it is all I can do to keep the rest of me from shattering into a million tiny pieces.
For now I will simply keep staggering on and hope that things will either get better, or that I will have the strength to do what I have to do to get myself out of this mess. But it looks like it won't be terribly pretty in the meantime.
Much as I love you all, I need some time to think things through, out of the glare of the Internets. So I am taking a brief blog hiatus to collect my thoughts, seek some clarity and regroup. I expect to be spending a great deal of time in the bath, on the treadmill and under the duvet. Hopefully when I come back, I will be feeling much better or else (temporarily) much worse.
Either way, I plan to be firmly on the road to something wholer and saner.
Update: My peoples, I adore your sweet comments and thank you for all your good wishes. In return, please rest assured that when I said "brief hiatus", I meant more of a refreshing pausing for breath in this conversation we are having, and not a permanent parting of the ways. I may be some time, but not quite in the meaning of poor brave Captain Oates.