The trick is to keep breathing

Oh, hell. Clearly, the mammoth pile of poo that is my life at present was not considered by high or stinky enough by yon Powers that Be, because another calamity has befallen the House of Mare.

Or should I say, rather, the House of Mare's Parents. My sweet father, who is prone to the occasional goofy pratfall, fell off a ladder and broke his foot. This may not sound like such a big deal, but it's quite a bad break, and will require some intricate surgery to mend. He'll be on crutches for at least three months, and while he may regain normal use after about six months, he may always be a bit...lurchy in future. In any event, any planning of my much longed-for visit over the holidays will now need to put on hold for the time being; at least until after the surgery, and the visit itself may get pushed back some months. Considering I have seen my parents for a grand total of four days in the past year, I am not exactly filled with the joys at this latest turn of events.

All of this makes scream internally: what the fucking fuck? From whence came this black cloud of doom dogging my every step?

I like to think that I possess a certain amount of resilience in the face of adversity; that I can, most of the time, pick myself up after a right hook to the mental jaw and carry on with at least of modicum of optimism. But lately, it's all beginning to seem like...well... a bit much. It feels like the Universe has decided to take umbrage to my plucky attitude toward life, and is therefore dishing out extra large portions of super spicy crapola on toast. Just to show me who is the boss.

People often say that the universe/fates/God/Yahweh/the Three Blind Mice will never give you more than you can handle. I've now come to the view that this is the latest piece of bullcrap to throw onto the Bonfire of the Platitudes. I mean, how do you define "handle"? At the moment I am getting out of bed in the morning, washing myself, going to work, eating food, and sleeping. But to tell you the truth, much of the time, I am a husk. I am going through the motions. I don't mean that in a self-pitying sort of way- it's a normal reaction to recent events, which have been both extraordinarily painful and largely out of my control.

Does that mean that what I am doing is "handling" it? Because I'd actually call it "surviving", which is not at all the same thing. People can survive a great deal; whether that means any of it is remotely bearable, in any real sense, is an entirely different matter.

I know that eventually this too will pass; that one day I will wake up and give the Universe the finger, and the response will be a casual shrug at my insolence rather than another plague of locusts on my doorstep. But before I get to that point, there is a very real risk that much of what I have known, loved, fought and worked for over the years will be entirely swept away.

The only way I can even begin to "handle" that prospect is to keep breathing: in, out, in, out, in, out.

Comments

[Toni]

Ugh...I have no assvice to give you - just a thought that you are being hugged from Chicago.

[Manuela]

I'm so sorry things are so craptastic right now... and you are EXACTLY right... who the hell wants to just 'survive'... people on life support are also surviving...and not too many people make that a life-goal.

Here's to hoping things ease up for you real soon...

[fisher queen]

Yup. I'm battling an onslaught of anxiety attacks. What could go wrong next? Nothing feels safe anymore.

I've had a couple of Buddhist moments in the past two months or so, where I've realized that if I just let go of some of these concepts (permanence, ownership, stability) I'm much more able to ride the rollercoaster. But, hon, those moments are fleeting, that's for sure.

At least you can count on us.

[mm]

Oh for fuck's sake!! Here, I'll give the universe the finger for you. Hoping this latest cloud passes quickly.

[Anna H.]

Love you, Mare.

xxoo

[Raia]

Oh, yeah, that's right up there with: And if whatever shit you got didn't kill you, you'll be stronger for it. Yeah, whatever.

Yet....you ARE handling it. Breathing in and out...knowing that it sucks but it's gotta end eventually....going through those motions....in my book, that is exactly what it means to handle it.

Because the alternative? In my world, at least, the alternative consists of letting the screams in my head out. THAT wouldn't be handling it.

I am pulling for you. We all are.

[Suz]

Oh...Mare, I'm so sorry. Please know that I'm thinking of you and hope that things get better soon.

[Jenn]

Sorry to hear about your dad. I agree, surviving and handling are two totally differnt things.

[Lut C.]

Stoke that Bonfire high, there are many platitudes left to burn. :-/

Speaking of flames, your Campfire item is really great. :-) I've found the last three blogs on my blogroll through here.

[Jill]

Yes! Platitudes suck! In my opinion, it is better to say nothing at all to someone in pain than to spout a platitude at them.

I have had this particular platitude directed at me more times than I care to remember, and I found it to be monumentally unhelpful each time. Like you, I have wondered exactly what it's supposed to mean. Does it mean that my heart won't physically stop beating just because it's broken? Gee, thanks, but I already figured that out on my own.

On another topic, I'm sorry about your dad's broken foot and your ruined holiday plans. I hope that things start looking brighter for you soon.

[Emily]

Well shit Mare. I'm so sorry about your father. That just blows.

I always said when I got infertility I was officially given more than I can handle. All I've done the last few years is survive, it's not the same as living.

Thinking of you.

[JJ]

Bugger. I'm sorry sweetie. You know you're always in my thoughts.

Your dad is also in my thoughts, one gimpy to another. :)

[thalia]

Mare,

My head is rushing to think of lots of suggestions (visit anyway, plan something else for xmas etc.) but my heart knows that this is not the point. That you are in one of life's holes, and all we can do is say that we are sorry, and we're here for you, and if we're funny (sadly not in my case) crack a joke that might help alleviate the gloom and pain for a few seconds.

I'm sorry that life is just shit right now. My only reasonable point is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, ask for help from those who can give it and from whom you want it, and don't give yourself a hard time about being husk-like right now. You are your first priority.

[Karen]

So sorry about your Dad and about life's general suckiness. It does seem to all hit at once, doesn't it? And sometimes it's a hell of a lot more than you can handle.

[DD]

Adrift

tangled in
sinking wreckage
of present.
anchored to
disillusionment
of dying past.
adrift on
engulfing tide
of future
with flagging sails set
in no particular direction.

© J.C. Justice

Praying that you will soon find your harbor of safety.

[Betsy]

Sorry, Mare. Thinking of you and hoping things turn around soon.

[Julia S]

I am so sorry Mare. I wish you could just crawl into bed until New Year's because 2005 kinda sucked ass, didn't it?

Sorry everything is so awful right now, honey, I really am.

[persephone]

Right, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... except when it leaves you broken instead. I will never understand why people say these things, or how they imagine them to be comforting. Do they live such sheltered lives that they've never seen someone given too much to bear?

Sometimes surviving can take everything you've got. Please don't let anyone imply that you should somehow be "handling it" better.

Thinking of you and hoping something, anything, gets easier.

[deannavs]

I don't think any of us knows how much we can handle....we just take more and more crap and each day grow stronger and then howl at the universe (with a righteous scowl, of course): IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT, BITCH? And, then surprise ourselves with just how much more we can really take, and with some grace, to boot.

All the same, I hope your dark spell ends soon. You've definitely had your share.

[Nico]

So sorry to hear about your dad, and that it means you won't get to spend your holidays as you had planned.

How come we can't say 'uncle' to all this crap?

[Amyesq]

Oh no. I am so sorry. I love you and am here for you.

[J]

It's just so wrong. Wrong that your father has to go through this, and wrong that they can't visit right when you really need them. ENOUGH, universe.

I don't think there's anything worse than being in hell and not even being able to control when and how you get out. It sometimes amazes me how much strength and courage it takes just to endure and keep breathing. Sending you lots of love and hot tea with honey through the ether.

[Meg]

Sorry about your dad Mare. I hope things will begin to turn around soon, you deserve it. I hate those fucking platitudes too. They are usually said by people who are breezing through life.

[Tonya]

I am so sorry your dad is facing such a long healing process and that you won't be able to see them as you'd hoped.

Platitudes suck... no question. Commiserating with a quick experience I had today with a nosy dental hygenist. She wanted to know why I'm on all these meds (steroid, blood thinners, etc), and after I finally told her "recurrent miscarriage" her jaw dropped. At the end of the cleaning, she said "Hang in there, hun. I KNOW it will happen for you. It will happen, I *promise*!" I thought WTF? Who is she, the baby fairy? I think people who say those things are just trying to make themselves feel better, and reassure themselves that they had so much extra hope that they could positively affect our lives by sheer force of will. Whatever....

I am hoping things start pulling back to level for you. I'm thinking of you.

[Jenny]

I'm really sorry that this shit keeps on coming. 2006 had better fucking rock for you, or I'm going to be pissed off!