We Interrupt this Interruption to say...

Hi! Hey! Hello! OK, I am know I am supposed to officially be on hiatus, but truth is, I miss the blogginess. Since my practice at the moment is to Do That Which Makes Me Happy, I thought I would just sort of stick my head above the duvet covers, with a little wave and a "howdy".

I also wanted to extend a sincere thank you to everyone who has commented, emailed, telephoned and in the case of one particular saint, sent flowers. You know who you are, and I will never forget it.

I wish I could say that everything is all better, and that I am whole, hearty and am able to pick up where we left off. Truth is, I still feel like my life is one big rollercoaster. Some days I am scared, sad, panicked and desperate beyond all telling. Other days I am completely calm, knowing that come what may, I am absolutely going to be OK. My hope is that eventually things will level off to the point where I no longer resemble an insane trapeze artist.

One of the reasons I thought it best to take a break was because I was so utterly blindsided by the turn life had taken. Getting to grips with the idea that I may never be able to have children was one thing. But to suddenly discover that I also seemed to be in the process of losing the man I love, for reasons which I still cannot understand, knocked the wind out of me so badly that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to get up. And I was finding that I wasn't able to conduct myself with any sort of dignity or grace- at home, at work, or online.

I think now that while I may not have the equilibrium I need, I know I will somehow find the strength to get through it. What I am still trying to work out is how much to say about that process here. The thing is, people don't tend to talk much about relationship issues so much on infertility blogs. There are probably many reasons for that- but at first, my overwhelming feeling was that in the losing game of infertility, I have drawn the absolute worst hand. I don't get the baby and not only that, I may not get to keep the man either. Friends, let me tell you, being in that position is an incredibly lonely and isolating experience: like, how fucked up can this small girl's life become, all in the space of one year?

But then an interesting thing happened: a number of people publically commented, or privately emailed me to tell me that they had been, or were going through their own relationship hell, and to share how they coped with it. I began to feel a sense of being connected again, and it got me wondering if maybe there was some benefit in telling this particular story as well, or at least the parts of it that I feel comfortable sharing. That maybe somebody else out there suffering the same sort of maelstrom of crappiness could take heart that they were not alone.

OK. I'm climbing back into the bathtub for a bit now...but stay tuned, because I suspect I'll feel like checking back in again soon- even if the rollercoaster ride is not quite over.

Comments

[VHMPrincess]

Glad to hear that you are still able to poke your head up now and then! Whenever you're ready, whatever you want to share, we'll be here.

[Pronoia]

I'm glad you interrupted the hiatus to share. While I'm not in the same place you are (whether or not I'm infertile physically hasn't yet come up because I'm infertile relationally--married a girl), hearing about the issues both helps me think through my own choices and makes me feel connected to all of the women out there living the best lives we know how to. I love your blog, and I hope there's light at the end of this tunnel soon. I'll be thinking of you.

And please do share the relationship stuff as you feel called to--it's *always* an issue, even when people don't talk about it, and like infertility can become a silent little dark corner that hurts all the more for the not-telling.

[April]

*waves back*

Glad to see you're o.k. Mare. We've missed you and hope to talk to you as soon as you're ready.

[Manuela]

Hon' whatever makes YOU feel better through this process is a good thing... and... I'm QUITE sure there are LOTS of relationships that suffer as a result of inferility issues... blogging may give you just the outlet you need to meet others in similar positions.

Much affection...
Manuela

[Bonnie]

I'm glad you poked your head back up. I don't say much but I'm always listening.

[Cathy]

Mare, I've been thinking about you a lot and sending good wishes your way. (Wish I'd thought of the flowers, though!) I wouldn't be surprised if most of us hadn't had relationship "issues" in the midst of practicing our ART. Hugs to you.

[Anita]

I have been reading your blog for a while and what made me come back time after time is that I could relate. I could relate to the infertility and within the last month or so could relate to your relationship woes.

Take the time to heal and never forget that each and every one of us, in one way or another, can relate.

[Amanda]

I'm glad you posted. It is all one big giant roller coaster ride. All we can do is hang on tight. Thinking of you.

[DD]

I was almost Giddy when I saw you had a new post on Bloglines, I've missed you!

You have made a very astute observation on how many blogs sometimes keep the relationship ingredient secret. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, "Hey, I've let myself out her and butt-naked for you all to see (but I'll be damned if I'll let you see the *souls* of my feet)!" or maybe it's like you said where you feel one part of you life may not be going as hoped, why add to the sad news? I hope you take that the way it was meant...

You'll be in my thoughts.

[mm]

I'm selfishly thrilled that you're posting again. I love your writing and your take on just about everything is usually spot on. But I do sincerely hope that we can offer you as much support and solace as you need during this crazy rollercoaster ride. God knows you'd do it for us. So we're here. We're listening and wishing you nothing but the best.

[Jenn]

I think if someone gets through infertility without some issues in their relationship they are quite the exception. We've hit many, MANY rough spots. Spots where I wasn't 100% sure we would get through. I've tried to talk about it on my blog, but I never seem to be able to find the words to completely explain it. Thanks for sharing.

[Nancy]

Glad you are back. Sharing the relationship part would be great if and when you feel up to it.

It seems there is some sort of taboo about discussing relationship issues around infertility (kind of like, it seems like it's only considered proper to bring a child into a perfectly functioning relationship, in which case only around 2% of us would ever procreate, and means people hide problems so as not to be judged, or so it seems to me) so when people trample that particular taboo, I am rooting for them I tell ya!

Hoping for the best for you and Mr. Mare.

[Cecily]

I'm so glad you reared your head again (heh--punny, aren't I? You know, reared? horse? mare? ok). While I haven't been through your struggle, there are women I know who have. I'm happy to listen and help anyway I can. So do share, please.

[deannavs]

hi there.....so glad to see you surface. Even if there's interruptus to be had, you can be sure I'll be checking in on you daily, just to see how you're faring. I hope that soon things will be calmer and sweeter, but in the meantime....wishing you well.

[Karen]

We missed you, too. Infertility is tough on all aspects of life, relationships included, so share as much as you feel comfortable with and know that we can all relate in some way.

[Georgia]

Darlin,
For me, the only thing that helps in times of great suckiness is to know that I'm not the only one. That's the only comfort. And hot baths and wine, of course. So share whatever you feel like b/c certainly there is someone else who is going through/has gone through something similar.
I don't know anyone IRL dealing with infertility nonsense, and before I found the internets, I truly felt like I was going to lose my shit.
xoxo

[reprogirl]

Oh Mare. You make me feel like the world is a good place to be. I am always so happy to hear anything from you. I am glad you're holding it together with your trademark inimitable spirit. Spend as long as you want in the bath and we'll all be here rooting for you when you next pop your head up.

[Dead Bug]

So glad to see you back, my friend.

--Bugs

[Mary Scarlet]

Hi Mare, glad to hear you're doing OK and discovering (or rediscovering) your strength. I know that staying in my relationship is by far the most difficult thing in my life and probably always will be a huge struggle, no matter how much love. And in reading the rest of the comments I see that we are in good company. I will be thinking of you often.

[Betsy]

Good to hear from you!! Glad to hear you are having some calm days. Hope they are the majority soon!

[Lala]

I feel like a shit for not reaching out to you further. I'm glad you're checking back in and I have one small piece of advice, if you say negative things about E here everyone will feel free to bash him too and that may not help you resolve your own feelings. I find everybody is more than willing to bash my husband because they think it makes me feel better. It doesn't. Otherwise, I'll join my voice to those calling for more blogging regardless of the topic. Take care.

[Lori]

It's good to see you back and checking in. I was thinking of you. And while I wish you were back to say all is well and patched up with E - instead I'll say, we're here to listen and be supportive when you need it.

[Simone]

Howdy Rowdy!
Yes, we're still here. See you soon.

[Alexa]

So glad to hear from you again, Mare. I am thinking about you a lot lately.
To say a bit more about what Nancy mentioned, I think that something makes women struggling with infertility (ok, fine, maybe not everyone. But me, certainly) feel like somehow they have to justify their pursuit of children--not entirely consciously, maybe, but I think the fear is that people will think "If she doesn't have her shit completely together she shouldn't be having children." Maybe fertile women don't seem to feel this way as much because having children is not such a huge conscious choice involving thousands of dollars and invasive medical procedures, I don't know.
Anyway, I look forward to reading anything you have to say about anything at all, my dear.

[susan/holdingpattern]

I'm so glad your back, Mare. I know that IF has wreaked havoc on my relationship as well, but I don't write about it on my blog out of respect for my husband's privacy. I'll bet my reason is pretty common.