Make mine a double

I'd like to give you a proper update about the doings here at the Barn, but we continue to flail wildly in a state of unholy flux. Nothing is really clear yet, and it seems to change from day to day. We're splitting up! He's moving out! No, wait, he's not, or at least not yet! Maybe later! Or he might stay! But the relationship is still over! Or maybe not quite completely! We want to work it out! No, we don't! Oh, fuck this! Or, not!

Is it any wonder that my primary means of functioning these days is to ensure that there is constant supply of mulled wine or perhaps a tasty single malt whiskey? Since everything relating to Christmas continues to grate on my raw, flayed nerve-endings, it seems to be the only way to really dull the drumbeats of doom, at least temporarily.

Of course, this approach has its hazards as well. Yesterday, for example, I endured the tedium of a colleague's retiral do by quaffing three or four glasses of cheap but potent wine in quick succession. Yes, my stomach was completely empty. Yes, it did go straight to my pointy little head. Errmm, ish blurry nice to haff drinksh. Chrishmush naw soo bad, really.

Somehow during the course of the evening, I found myself undertaking to embark on the study of the Japanese language. I must have been pretty convincing in my enthusiasm for this plan (me? learn Japanese? who knew?)- since upon my arrival at my desk this morning, I found my colleague had considerately deposited a number of her own language tapes and books for my learning pleasure. Good grief. What have I gotten myself into?

Also, I've been noticing that notwithstanding all the comradely drink induced joie de vivre, people are generally so much more sympathetic and understanding of heartbreak and relationships woes than they are of the pain of infertility. I suppose that's hardly surprising, really- most people can relate to have one's heart spattered all over the tarmac at some point in their life, whereas the fine subtleties of the Dance of the UltraSound Wand are not so easy to comprehend. I don't even need to go into the detail of my troubles at home; the mere mention of any stress on that front, and folks start patting me like a sick puppy. There, there dear. There, there.

It's all much appreciated, of course. But the bottom line is I have been having problems with E. for, oh, about five minutes; as opposed to the relentless torture of infertility which has lasted for at least the last year and a half, and during which time nobody particularly gave much of a flying fuck.

Wee dram, anyone? Make mine a double.

Comments

[DD]

What is it that's holding you two together? What is it that's pushing you apart? I hope you have both been able to answer those questions openly and honestly so you can find resolution, either way.

[fisher queen]

"Tis the season to be drinking, fa la la la....

[Nico]

I'll take the whole bottle, thank you very much! Okay, maybe I'll share just a little...

[patricia]

Relationship problems people can understand. Distraught because you can't have a family, at least can't have a family easily? That's just weird.

[Lut C.]

Yep, the Sloppy Designer in the Sky should definitely have doled out some more empathy when creating the human race.

I agree with Patricia, we're just weird. I would have said queer, but that word is taken.

Perhaps it would help if there was a word like that for us. Fertiles would say it about us behind our backs (hush hush, she's -- you know). There would be a common understanding among them of how to treat us.
Hm, that's not necessarily an improvement.

And there are words: barren, infertile. But they only draw blank stares from most outsiders, or assvice or generic pity.

I think I'll remain in the closet a while longer. Does this make me queer after all? Now I'm confused!

Pass me that whiskey will you.

[Sophie D]

Do you want him to stay and try and he cant make up his mind? Or are you both not in a good place? If it is him, my assvice is to Kick him to the curb and show him what life is like with out you. I could be reading this all wrong - but - it seems like he is controling the dice? Has to be killing you. As we all know, it is hard enought not being about to control our own reproductive systems - now you have this to deal with. And please let me say up front that I would NEVER have the balls to do it - I have always been a pushover in relationships - but now that I am in a really good one, I wish I had done things differently in the past. Oh Hell, I dont know what I am writing - I just know that it SUCKS what you are going through and I wish your hubby would straighten up and fly right. I dont blame you for drinking.

[Pamplemousse]

I'll have a triple, followed by a liqueur.

Not to be forward, but are you still sleeping together? That is usually a good indicator of where things are ultimately headed, I find.

[Heidi]

Well, that makes sense, unfortunately. Everyone has had a tumultuous relationship. Not everyone has had a tumultuous reproduction-ship (my new thing is making up words.)

(ps...I'm hooooome! Now I'll join you in throwing back some cheap wine and we'll start on those Japanese lessons together. 'Cause Russian went so well for me.)

[reprogirl]

It's really interesting to me that you think people are more understanding of relationship problems than they are of infertility. I've always kind of looked at it the other way round. Maybe because I don't tell that many people about trying to have a baby, but the lack of relationship thing is sort of public and obbvious so I just experience more of people's (sometimes stunningly uncomprehending) reactions to it. I've always found that most people simply cannot process it. When the man I thought I was marrying walked out on me 6 weeks after moving me to a strange city where I knew no one and had no job, I told someone about it and she said, and I quote, "Good for you!" People still to this day say to me about that time that I was "strong" and "made the right choice." There simply does not seem to be the receptor there to process the fact that I had no more choice than I would have about being hit by an asteroid. No one who has heard about my miscarriage and my failure to get pregnant again has ever congratulated me on it. At least there's that.

[thalia]

Well I don't know whether to offer something flippant about the alcohol or attempt something more profound. Given that I'm sitting in a plane waiting to take off I'll keep it quick and just say that oh how this situation sucks, how much I've been thinking of you, and that I hope you have some sense of what YOU want to come out of this so that you can call the shots a little.

[wessel]

Oh Mare, how I hate this part of relationship turmoil, the ups and downs, the uncertainties. It sounds like it could still go either way, of course. Relationships HAVE survived such traumas and gone onto become happy and viable. I wish for you whatever you wish for yourself.

I am reminded of an analogy that came to me when I was going through my divorce, and happened to be working in ICU at the time. We were watching a terminal patient die, and couldn't remove the monitors until his heart finally stopped. So I was standing there watching the monitors as I did other clean up and preparatory stuff, and the electrical impulses from each heartbeat slid across the screen in slow succession, becoming less and less numerous as the minutes wore on. Then there was a flatline, but being a seasoned nurse, I waited patiently. And sure enough, there it was, another "blip", followed by a long flatline, then a "blip." And it occurred to me how much like my marriage this cardiac strip was -- eventually all the beats that had signified its life would fade out, just not all at once. Personally, I found that very irritating. If it was going to end, then I would have preferred something more akin to quickly ripping a bandaid off a hairy piece of skin.

Thinking of you, and hoping for some resolution soon. And look at it this way, no matter what happens, next Christmas is SURE to be better!

[Meg]

Mare I feel so inadequate. I don't know what to advise or say. I can't imagine how much pain you are going through. I must admit the red sparkling wine has been easing my way through Christmas this year. Sending you love and thinking of you.

[katie]

Odd thing was, when I had my miscarriage, the things people said were so much like the things people say when you have a break up: "it wasn't right"; "there will be others"... But at the time you don't want others, you want THAT one.