Coulda shoulda woulda

It seems that sometime during my transit back to ye olde Caledonia, a debate has sprung up in certain quarters as to the extent to which my blog is a "trainwreck". Huh. Interesting. I always kind of figured that in the big scheme of things, my little story was more akin to, say, a minor bicycle accident.

Basically, in the annals of infertility blogging, there is really not much new here to excite a whole lot of discussion. I mean, whatever. I get it. There are people who don't get it. They don't really see why infertiles feel the need to do all this unseemly thrashing and whining. Fine. You know, I'm not immune to the idea that the world might contain opposing view points- for example, I don't see why anybody would willing ingest pork scratchings, but I saw some on sale at the mega mall of death when I was home, so there must be some prospective purchasers out there.

But you see, the difference is that I don't hunt out Pork Scratching bloggers and then post links making deliberately nasty comments about their culinary preferences- especially since I sort of figure who died and made me the Chef God.

So, I don't really wish to add fuel to the fire, since let's face it, it's not a particularly interesting conflagration. However, I do feel perhaps if I ought to take this opportunity to go on record about a couple items. Just to ensure, as much as possible, that no one is confused in their tiny minds as a result of me Not. Spelling. Things. Out.

Firstly-stop the presses! E. and I have not actually "broken up." Things are not completely settled by a long way, and the outcome may be still be somewhat murky in places. That's the interesting thing about relationships, which are generally not static organisms sitting prettily on the coffee table for the neighbours to admire. But at this point we're still working on it, so let's not break out the violins quite yet on my behalf, thanks.

Secondly, I really take exception to this notion that I was somehow the instigator of all our fertility treatment plans, and meanwhile, E. was secretly sitting back trying to figure out how to break up with me. As if it were all up to me. As if spending all that money and energy was somehow just a neat ploy to keep me happy. Well, golly gee whiz, call me crazy but embarking on a course of ruinously expensive medical treatment involving both parties' time and effort, the outcome of which may be a pregnancy and the birth of a child is a pretty fucking complicated way of extracting oneself from a relationship, no?

Thirdly, I'm sure glad some folks were able to detect all these prior warning signs about E'.s possible prior aversion to parenthood. Oooh, if only I could have your handy psychic powers around at all times- how much less fraught with life would be! Actually, what I suggest is to maybe try reading the fucking backstory about exactly why we didn't live together "full time" in the traditional sense, before making all sorts of snap judgments about whether or not that was some sort of "warning sign" for me to discover, and whether or not anything was indicative of well...anything.

Listen, I can see where people are coming from. I understand it's probably real easy to look in from the outside and draw inferences, especially if that's not how you would have chosen to handle things. However, despite what others may decide to interpret about me, given the main subject matter of this blog, I'm not a total moron with my head up my vaginal canal.

What I will say is that life is sometimes complicated, and occasionally you end up having to do the best with what you have, even if it's not an ideal solution. And that's exactly what we were doing at that time. We. As in he and I and the mutual agreement we reached together about how we wanted to make our relationship function in our particular set of circumstances. Hell, I'm sorry if it doesn't meet with someone's personal approval on the Big Checklist of how people should arrange their lives. But frankly, I never was much into other people's checklists.

Lastly, notwithstanding all that, perhaps E. did conceal his intentions, and I just simply had the blinders on. But I don't think so. Because if nothing else, last I checked, it took two people to make an embryo during IVF treatment. It certainly took two of us to sign all the endless reams of consent forms.

And of course, I was unconscious at the time, but I didn't get the impression there was anybody in the clinic holding a gun to his head when it came time for him to do his bit on retrieval day. Probably because fire arms in the wank room would be considered a major passionkiller.

The bottom line? We made the decision together to do IVF. Once we'd done it, we realised there were certain issues that we needed to look at afresh and to address. Did the existence of those issues mean we shouldn't have done it at all? Would we feel differently about everything if it had worked? Um, yeah, maybe. Or not. Who knows. That's the thing about the benefits of hindsight and speculation about what might have been- those lovely gifts come after the fact, not before.

Finally, I think I made it explicitly clear on more than one occasion that I myself was extremely ambivalent in many ways about further treatment, and that living child free was absolutely a viable option for me. In fact, I was well on my way to exploring that option, and probably coming to a resolution on that front at some point when we got sidetracked with other problems. So I find it somewhat laughable to have the accusation leveled at me, of all people, that I am obsessed beyond all measure about pregnancy and having a child.

I think that about covers it. I have a sudden craving for pork scratchings.

Comments

[DD]

"mightaswellbeen marcuswellby"

That's what I always say when someone else says "shoulda, woulda, coulda".

No matter how hard you try there will always been an asshat out there who suggests that you are not doing enough; or that you've done too much.

[bhm]

thinking of you
bhm

[Betsy]

I have no idea what sparked the post, but all I have to say is, "WTF is wrong with people?" Seriously, it's hard enough to find the time to ponder the course of my own life. To spend time judging others' lives? And then to have the audacity to actually comment on it?! Seriously, people.

Sorry, Mare.

[fisher queen]

I was hoping you hadn't seen that. What a bitch.

[Manuela]

Brava, Mare. Well said... well said. Although I'm incredibly sorry you were ever put in a position to have to defend your position about any of this. I also want to apologize, in public, for any role I mistakenly took in bringing that rubbish site to light.

I found it by accident upon cruising my Technorati stats... it was mentioned right after mine in the 'infertility' category. I clicked on it, and proceeded to get royally pissed on your behalf. I wasn't sure if I just dignify their words with a reply... so I posted about it on my blog until I decided what I would do. After reading several comments that had been left for me, I decided I wouldn't bother to add fuel to the fire and deleted mention of the site. But by that time, lots of people had already linked to it from my site... prompting them to then label me a train-wreck as well.

Whatever. Funnily enough, whereas I became VERY upset when they talked about you... I actually just laughed out loud when I saw they had linked me. I was totally amused by the transparency of their motive... and totally tickled by the spike in my traffic. I even had a couple people email me asking what I had done to piss him/her/it off over at that site... because they couldn't understand why they linked to a post where I was clearly poking fun at myself... and... that I clearly don't take myself very seriously. Not, I think, what she/he/it intended.

Anyway, enough about them... and enough about me. Sorry again, Mare.

[Jill]

I've yet to meet someone who had their own life so together that it is worth listening to their opinions about someone else's. Generally the opposite is true- the louder they are about how someone else should live, the more screwed up their own life is.

We love you, and trust you to make the right decisions for yourself. I'm hoping you find boatloads of happiness, whatever way that is.

[SandyG28]

Clearly I missed the trainwreck and the permission that was granted to analyze said train wreck. Some people's kids eh? Sorry you feel even one iota of need to defend yourself, E., or anything at all remotely related to your life!

[Meg]

Well said Mare. They are so fucking up themselves, I can't stand it when people think we should live by their rules.
I admire your strength.

[Snakey]

You can get backstory on the train-Wreckers at this site (about 1/4 way down)
http://mathplusone.com/groupee/forums/a/tpc/f/202600662/m/1561023271/p/1
it starts with kristen's post, 12-22-05. It seems that the Wreckers took a handful of people from that forum and trolled their sites for fodder.

Before you question why I'm sharing, I want to let you know that there are other people who have been snarked on by these folks - and they handled it with as much grace as anyone could.

I couldn't look the other way when I read what they had written- it was too close to home. I have looked for support from a lot of places - and I wouldn't have met Mare online if it wasn't for the mean-spiritedness of the Wreckers (at least a little good came of it).

[deborah]

If you're ever in a position where your head is up your vaginal canal, I will pay big bucks to be first in line to see it. :-)

[wessel]

I'm sorry that you had to see that, too. You wrote an eloquent response, more than they deserved. Whereas their inane drivel will never have any imaginable value whatsoever, to anyone at any time, all that you have shared with us about your life and your thoughts will continue to have a positive impact on all normal, mature people who are fortunate enough to happen upon your blog.

[OvaGirl]

Wessel is right, Mare, your response was intelligent, dignified and eloquent, as is all your writing.

[thalia]

Both your response on their site and your response here are just what I would expect from you - well written, thoughtful, and with a clear sense of the absurdity of the situation. I hope you are doing as ok with this situation as you seem to be, and I hope that things continue to progress well with E.

[Pamplemousse]

Mare, what a lady you are!

[Lala]

Huzzah! Classy lady!

[Lori]

When I saw the trainwreck post, it made my blood boil. In general, judgmental, small-minded people have that effect. I'm sorry you were ever the subject of such drivel. You seem to be handling it with much more grace than I would have.

[pixi]

That site is just petty and boring. Seriously boring. I mean, really, who gives a crap what those nobodies have to say?

[Jan]

Bastards, bastards, bastards!!! Someone has the guts to talk openly about the less sparkly bits of their life and these people are right there ready to pounce. All I can hope is that they suffer every.single.one of the issues that they belittle on their site (which I haven't seen, don't want to, don't need to) and then some more for good measure - then see how much fun it is!

The problems are their's - you will move on in your life and good things will happen and they will still be nasty, small-minded little f*ckwits.

As an aside - was very pleased to see you're in Scotland. Apart from Pamplemousse I haven't seen any other infertile bloggers from my home country. Now I'm wondering whether you are one of the faces I see in the waiting room at my clinic!

[Jenn]

It just pisses me off when people go looking for something to spout their uneducated little mouths off about. I think you handled it beautifully.

[Emily]

Oh, I'm sure Mensa will be calling these morons any second begging for membership. I'm sorry Mare, so sorry. Your response was eloquent as always but sorry you had to defend yourself at all.

[Lut C.]

Trainwreck? Bicycle ride? I should really spend more time reading comments, but my blogroll has become too long for that.
Some people should get their internet licence revoked. ;-)

On the other hand, isn't the fact that the troll stuck to his own blog to do his mischief progress? Too bad someone linked to it though, that just led to a round troll feeding. I saw that you replied too, that's justified self-defence. I understand you felt the need to do so, if not for the benefit of the troll, then for the benefit of his readers (if there are any).

Has any of your regular readership ever made similar bold statements about your life? Then, I would really get worried. :-)

Please know that reading your blog means a lot to me, as reading the others does. I'm not alone. Others have worked through this, and so will I.

Anyway, I'm very glad to hear you and E. are still working on it. There is hope in that, regardless of what happens on the IF-front.

[Amy]

I think the thing that bothered me most about their site was that they weren't even funny. I mean, if you are going to snark on other people at least be funny and clever about it you know.

[Menita]

Don't have a clue what the discussion on your train-wreckness was about - seem to have missed it completly.
However, I am shouting a loud "hurrah!" for you from my clueless sidelines. What is WRONG with people?
I love your blog, and I think you ROCK. So keep going, my friend.

[Ninotchka]

Very well put. I hope I never know what drives people to make negative comments and judgements about other people's lives as if they were so damned perfect and in any position to make them. If I had to wager a guess I'd say they're just run of the mill miserable fucks that are wholly undeserving of your attention. So rock on, my dear. Rock on.

[Jessica]

Huh. Yah know, I just figured you were a nice gal living in Scotland dealing with some difficult issues and trying to make the best of it, who's currently hit a bit of a rough spot in her relationship (just like thousands of other people) and was workin' on things.

Perhaps I'm just dense, and missing the whining and drama that wiser people seem to see??