Coulda shoulda woulda

It seems that sometime during my transit back to ye olde Caledonia, a debate has sprung up in certain quarters as to the extent to which my blog is a "trainwreck". Huh. Interesting. I always kind of figured that in the big scheme of things, my little story was more akin to, say, a minor bicycle accident.

Basically, in the annals of infertility blogging, there is really not much new here to excite a whole lot of discussion. I mean, whatever. I get it. There are people who don't get it. They don't really see why infertiles feel the need to do all this unseemly thrashing and whining. Fine. You know, I'm not immune to the idea that the world might contain opposing view points- for example, I don't see why anybody would willing ingest pork scratchings, but I saw some on sale at the mega mall of death when I was home, so there must be some prospective purchasers out there.

But you see, the difference is that I don't hunt out Pork Scratching bloggers and then post links making deliberately nasty comments about their culinary preferences- especially since I sort of figure who died and made me the Chef God.

So, I don't really wish to add fuel to the fire, since let's face it, it's not a particularly interesting conflagration. However, I do feel perhaps if I ought to take this opportunity to go on record about a couple items. Just to ensure, as much as possible, that no one is confused in their tiny minds as a result of me Not. Spelling. Things. Out.

Firstly-stop the presses! E. and I have not actually "broken up." Things are not completely settled by a long way, and the outcome may be still be somewhat murky in places. That's the interesting thing about relationships, which are generally not static organisms sitting prettily on the coffee table for the neighbours to admire. But at this point we're still working on it, so let's not break out the violins quite yet on my behalf, thanks.

Secondly, I really take exception to this notion that I was somehow the instigator of all our fertility treatment plans, and meanwhile, E. was secretly sitting back trying to figure out how to break up with me. As if it were all up to me. As if spending all that money and energy was somehow just a neat ploy to keep me happy. Well, golly gee whiz, call me crazy but embarking on a course of ruinously expensive medical treatment involving both parties' time and effort, the outcome of which may be a pregnancy and the birth of a child is a pretty fucking complicated way of extracting oneself from a relationship, no?

Thirdly, I'm sure glad some folks were able to detect all these prior warning signs about E'.s possible prior aversion to parenthood. Oooh, if only I could have your handy psychic powers around at all times- how much less fraught with life would be! Actually, what I suggest is to maybe try reading the fucking backstory about exactly why we didn't live together "full time" in the traditional sense, before making all sorts of snap judgments about whether or not that was some sort of "warning sign" for me to discover, and whether or not anything was indicative of well...anything.

Listen, I can see where people are coming from. I understand it's probably real easy to look in from the outside and draw inferences, especially if that's not how you would have chosen to handle things. However, despite what others may decide to interpret about me, given the main subject matter of this blog, I'm not a total moron with my head up my vaginal canal.

What I will say is that life is sometimes complicated, and occasionally you end up having to do the best with what you have, even if it's not an ideal solution. And that's exactly what we were doing at that time. We. As in he and I and the mutual agreement we reached together about how we wanted to make our relationship function in our particular set of circumstances. Hell, I'm sorry if it doesn't meet with someone's personal approval on the Big Checklist of how people should arrange their lives. But frankly, I never was much into other people's checklists.

Lastly, notwithstanding all that, perhaps E. did conceal his intentions, and I just simply had the blinders on. But I don't think so. Because if nothing else, last I checked, it took two people to make an embryo during IVF treatment. It certainly took two of us to sign all the endless reams of consent forms.

And of course, I was unconscious at the time, but I didn't get the impression there was anybody in the clinic holding a gun to his head when it came time for him to do his bit on retrieval day. Probably because fire arms in the wank room would be considered a major passionkiller.

The bottom line? We made the decision together to do IVF. Once we'd done it, we realised there were certain issues that we needed to look at afresh and to address. Did the existence of those issues mean we shouldn't have done it at all? Would we feel differently about everything if it had worked? Um, yeah, maybe. Or not. Who knows. That's the thing about the benefits of hindsight and speculation about what might have been- those lovely gifts come after the fact, not before.

Finally, I think I made it explicitly clear on more than one occasion that I myself was extremely ambivalent in many ways about further treatment, and that living child free was absolutely a viable option for me. In fact, I was well on my way to exploring that option, and probably coming to a resolution on that front at some point when we got sidetracked with other problems. So I find it somewhat laughable to have the accusation leveled at me, of all people, that I am obsessed beyond all measure about pregnancy and having a child.

I think that about covers it. I have a sudden craving for pork scratchings.

Comments

[Amyesq]

Wow. I just checked out the site and I have to say that I kind of feel sorry for a bunch of folks who get their kicks by trolling (pardon the pun) the Internet for things they don't like and then making fun of them. Especially when it is abundantly clear none of then have ever been through these particular problems and so can have no idea of the pain associated with them. "Those poor woe-is-me infertiles! Get over it!" "Those damn minorities getting all freaked out over racism!" "Oh please! Just 'cause your mother died doesn't mean you have to think the world is about you!" A couple of things about people like that. First, they are very obviously sad sacks. Second, karma is a B.I.T.C.H.

There is no need at all to justify yourself to them, to us, to anyone at all. All of us here already know you rock and those sad folks over at that other blog will obviously never learn.

[Amyesq]

Wow. I just checked out the site and I have to say that I kind of feel sorry for a bunch of folks who get their kicks by trolling (pardon the pun) the Internet for things they don't like and then making fun of them. Especially when it is abundantly clear none of then have ever been through these particular problems and so can have no idea of the pain associated with them. "Those poor woe-is-me infertiles! Get over it!" "Those damn minorities getting all freaked out over racism!" "Oh please! Just 'cause your mother died doesn't mean you have to think the world is about you!" A couple of things about people like that. First, they are very obviously sad sacks. Second, karma is a B.I.T.C.H.

There is no need at all to justify yourself to them, to us, to anyone at all. All of us here already know you rock and those sad folks over at that other blog will obviously never learn.

[Sassy]

Like Manuela I laughed when I saw he'd added my blog to the trainwreck of infertiles. Honestly, I wanted to bring this to your attention because I knew that you're a much stronger person than they are and as horrible as it was, what they said was full of shit.

But anyway how trian wrecky can you be if I'm their biggest infertilty trainwreck because I'm 21, infertile and a bitch (omg!).

[Ami]

As always, an elegant response from a true lady. Remember, your loyal readers outnumber the haters, and we're all hoping for your happy ending.

[persephone]

My response is going to lack both class and elegance: I wish I had my morning sickness back, so I could throw up all over them.

Mare, anyone who reads your blog and doesn't come away with a deep respect for your intelligence needs serious work on their reading comprehension. And anyone who reads your brave, unflinching take on your own grief, and is inspired to respond with cruelty? Has a hole in their soul no amount of snark is ever going to fill.

Love from the other "barren" titled blog.

[Schnozz]

Oh, come on, your blog is not a trainwreck. It's not even a stubbed toe. It's ... and I'm about to get really eloquent here ... it's GOOD, and I like it.

[Melissa]

I hope you don't let the bastards get you down.

[Erin]

I guess it's all been said above, but you're response was/is smart, classy and damn funny.

"vaginal canal" hehehehe. God, I hope there's a time I can use that in a sentence.

[Molly]

Yeah. I've read all of the comments over there, and I must say that the infertiles who have chimed in sound much more intelligent and empathetic than their counterparts. Ah, well.

You're still awesome.

[Lisa]

I didn't want to read all those hate-filled, ignorant, trying-too-hard-and-failing to be witty and just plain mean comments but I just couldn't stop myself. I've yet to experience any negativity directed at my blog and I hope that when it happens (as I know it will) that I handle it with the grace and dignity you did.

[Nicole]

(((hugs))) I am so sorry that some moron felt it necessary to troll you like that. I think she is just jealous and bitter for not having the balls to attack life and do things that ensure your future happiness. Sounds like this was the weekend for trolls, since I got one on my blog, though I am not afraid of slamming them openly in a new post. Heh. Just makes me reiterate once more that those who have not been through infertility can not understand. WTG for such a classy post. I would probably not have been so kind.

[Kellie]

I found your blog through someone who was wiping the floor with the jerkoff who wrote the "trainwreck" piece. I want you to know that most of us think that person is a lowlife jerk (I could use harsher words...but...)

Anyway, try not to let it upset you...this person is totally not worth it. You however from what I've read are a perfectly normal wonderful woman!

[KatieS]

WOW-- I had no idea about this website, and I think my life would have been better had I never found it. I just think that ultimately these people who run that site must be very boring--

As far as I am concerned, your soapbox and bullwhip are well merited.

What effing eejits.

[Beagle]

What a shame that some people feel the need to be mean. Is there a mean gene?

You're post is so well written. I fear it is wasted on the dimwits.

I would tell you to ignore them but that would make me a hypocrite because I can't achieve the ignoring of dimwits myself.

What the hell: You're real. They're irrelevant. You win.

[Anna H.]

You kick ass, sister.

xxoo

[Jane]

The woman who owns, hosts and runs trainwrecks.net looks to be kind of a huge trainwreck herself judging by her two blogs (that I have found so far, so god knows she is probably one of those freaks with a million different blogs, all filled with 'poor me, poor me') and when you see the kind of woman who is running it, it surely takes the sting out of the insult. She sure gets herself off on the pity, and you are a much better woman than that.

[HoldingPattern]

I am super bitter, but I cannot imagine being so bitter and mean-spirited that I would start a blog specifically to make fun of other people's blogs. Really. How sad for her.

Next time, say that Susan from HoldingPattern tells them to SUCK IT.

[JennaM]

Many dittos.
And I personally find your life and the way you write about it to be incredibly inspiring and reassuring. You are an incredibly honest, authentic, and complicated individual, Mare, and I can't say enough how much anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth another moment of your time.

[JennaM]

And I write really (incredibly) badly after 1 in the morning.

[Lins]

Dear Mare, delurking when drunk is probably a bad idea but your blog has meant a great deal to me over the last few months so please take no notice of these self -deluded types, every life is complicated, and please don't stop writing honestly about your life.

[Flicka]

As I said over at Manuela's, if this woman is THAT bored, she needs to get herself a vibrator.

Keep on rockin', Mare. Here in the "insular bubble" of good manners, we love you.

[Heidi]

Good God, those people over there are idiots. What a sad, pathetic existence they lead.

You, on the other hand, are amazing, intelligent and classy. This response to their hideous babble just about sums that up.

[Moose]

I'm sorry that people suck. Specifically, that people are sucking in your email inbox. I enjoy your writing and am rooting for you.

[Karen]

I just love you.

People suck big ass.

Thank goodness there are people like you.

*Smooch*

[Annie]

Oh, dear. How nasty and purposeless some people can be.

I have to say that though I have followed your blog lately with much empathy (as a fellow infertile), the words "train wreck" had not entered my consciousness in connection to it.

(((Hugs!))) and peace to you, my dear.