Borrowing tomorrow

Tonight I have been relegated to the basement while my parents host a cocktail hour upstairs with the next door neighbours. The exclusion is probably more for my benefit than theirs- I guess they want to talk shop about something to do with the latest condo association dispute, which would almost certainly cause me to glaze over. In any event, it makes an interesting change of pace, since I am usually paraded around with pardonable parental pride during my visits ("Look! We do have a daughter! She may freakishly choose to live abroad, but she is here now!").

Some of you have kindly enquired about my dad's brokenness. Well, I am happy to report that he has made a dazzling recovery. Really, he has surpassed expectations- up and about, with no cast, cane or crutches, although a slight weavy gimp remains. I went to his doctor's appointment him last week, whereupon he was given a clean bill and discharged. Yay Daddy!

After all my own medical time logged over the last year I found it rather peculiar experience being in a doctor's office for something other than, well, me and my reproductive system. I kept looking over my shoulder for the nurse coming to take my blood, or administer the wanding. Of course, when I saw my dad's doctor, I was even more relieved, because he was Hottness Personified. In my view, men that good-looking should have no business rummaging around my nethers, no how matter how professional the proceedings.

The one slightly unsettling aspect of the saga of the broken foot is that my parents have had a sudden sharp shock as to what may lie ahead for them in their old age. Fortunately, they've both always been on the hale and hearty end of the spectrum, and it was rather sombering for them to experience what life might be like with less mobility and more dependence.

What this led on to was a discussion about what the arrangements might be when they finally hit their proper dotage. Will they move to Scotland? Ah. They are not keen on this idea. Will I move back to America? Oh goody, yes please, they say.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, they are less daunted by this idea than I am. I think they see the current rockiness with E. as an ideal time for me to make a clean break and return to the bosom of my homeland. I, on the other hand, am a good deal less convinced.

I'm not ruling it out, you understand, perhaps I am more conscious of the small problem of employment, as in what will I do to earn a living? At present, I have quite a good job, one which I like- most of the time- with excellent benefits. It took a huge effort for me to get to the place I am now at, and somehow, I am not sure I want to jack all that in to do an international move. To start over so completely.

I guess I am more in the mode of one step at a time. One day at a time. Even though I can't put off this reality forever, today it just seems like too much. At the moment it's all I can do to imagine getting back on a plane, going back to the normal routine after this nice break, going back to work, going back to try to figure out things with E. I want to live in the moment, not borrow tomorrow.

But I'm wondering what other people do with elderly parents. Do you talk about it? Do you have an agreed plan? Is there an expectation that you will look after your folks, and rearrange your life to do so? Do they want you to? Do you want to, or not so much?

This also makes me wonder, gently and sadly- if I manage to live to be that old, then who will look after me?

Comments

[Emily]

Oh Mare, sadly I wonder the same things. I don't want kids for the express purpose of having someone to take care of me but there are more than one night that tears come to my eyes as I think of myself with no one left in the world to care about my welfare.

Both my and my husband's parents are in their 70's and the siblings have discussed this. For right now, we're quite fortunate that both sets are well off enough that they will be able to afford care. However, we've talked about the 'what ifs' and how we will arrange living arrangements to care for a parent. Not looking forward to that eventuality and right now I knock wood because all 4 are in excellent health. Better than me in fact -- my father still runs 5 miles A DAY.

As always my dear, I'm thinking of you.

xo,

[deborah]

No advice or opinions to share today. Just wish I could wrap you in a big ol' bear hug.

Thinking of you so intensely my head hurts.

[Sylvie]

Delurking, finally. Started reading your blog a few months ago and of all your posts, this one almost made me cry. Don't know what the answer is, maybe it hit a nerve with me too. We just moved away -- albeit to Mexico rather than over an ocean -- but it does make you think, what will we do?
My only thought is that you can always go home, but it's much harder to create what's away. And even in a hard time, if the adventure is the right thing, then keeping at it seems like a most sane approach.

[Jenn]

We've talked about it, but not too seriously since they are both young. My parents are divorced making it a bit more complicated. My mother doesn't want any of us to take care of her and none of us want to take care of my father. Assisted living looks good to me should they need it.

[Avonlea f/k/a InSpring]

Old age is scary for us too and we got a taste of it recently as well. My husband had hernia surgery and couldn't do any lifting and had to ask his son to do things for him. It was uncomfortable for all of us.

My in-laws are mid 70's and 80 and also very hale and hardy. We can't really talk to them about the subject, they are so independent. They used to talk about moving their bedroom to the livingroom of their house when they got older. Now they're talking about eventually downsizing. My parents are much younger and have long term care insurance. We're really blessed.

Frankly, I worry about us more.

I don't blame you for wanting to live abroad where you're so settled, I'd be an ex-pat if I could especially with things going the way they are in the US, the rest of the world seems so much more sane.

[deannavs]

My mom suffered a stroke while I was an undergraduate and there was a lot of family pressure for me to leave school to nurse her. As much as I love her, I never saw that as a viable option---sacrificing one life for another. My husband and I now live several states away from her, but we're always informed about her health. Her care needs were far too advanced for any relatives to handle, so she agreed to move into an assisted living home. She's actually doing really well there, and I know that her being there is healthier for her, but also for our relationship. I daily carry some guilt about the choice, but whatever choices you decide on have to make life livable, and enjoyable, for both sides.

[Lori]

Our parents are still relatively young so in truth, we probably haven't thought about it as much as we should.
It does seem like so much when we try to look beyond today. I'm feeling that way especially today. I hope you can continue to not borrow tomorrow and life remains manageable.

[Soper]

Oh, you pack them carefully in tissue paper and store them in the attic. Just don't forget to put in lots of mothballs and check them periodically for water damage.

[Elaine]

I live in Japan, where I have a job I like (most of the time) and a fascinating continent to explore within hours' flight for those rare times I take vacation. Not to mention comprehensive medical insurance. So I'm not particularly eager to return to the States.

But the whole issue really came to a head a bit more than a year ago, when my Dad was diagnosed with ALS. Up until then, my parents had both been remarkably healthy, and since both sides of the family are long-lived (85 or so on my Dad's, 100 or so on my Mom's), I didn't think I had to worry for another ten years or so. Well. ALS has a prognosis of 2-5 years from time of diagnosis, so this really made me think. Eventually, I sort of loosely thought that when my Dad got more debilitated, I'd either take a long-term leave or perhaps transfer back so I could be around for him and the rest of the family. As things turned out, the ALS progressed very rapidly, and he died last August, only 10 weeks after going into the hospital with some breathing problems, so I didn't get a chance to do either.

What I WILL say is that you have to think, for yourself, if you really want to be a plane ride away when they do eventually become ill. It is terrible. I was so jealous of my brother, who could jump in the car and head to my parents' (albeit with a 7 hour drive) whenever he was needed. I felt isolated and as if I were a lesser member of the family because I could do so little. It was one of the worst times of my life, with the grief and sadness made much worse by helplessness and my inability to do anything. It was really horrible.

That said, not everybody feels this way. I have a dear friend who was just as happy that she was at the opposite end of the country when her mother became terminally ill, so she DIDN'T have to worry about the day-to-day care.

If you're still enjoying your job, and there's other pleasure in your life, I'd say stay where you are for now. As somebody else said, sacrificing one life for another isn't really to anybody's benefit. But if there are OTHER good reasons to go back to the States, that's when and why you should perhaps consider it.

I have no good answers for myself. This is just what I've learned over the past year.

Best of everything to you.

[ankaisa]

Luckily I live close to my parents, so it's not going to require moving. But my mom is really starting to get old now, as she is struggling with her memory. While it's not really my problem yet, I can see it becoming one.

So I have been thinking about these things lately a lot. But I'm sorry that I can not give you any answers. Other than that good jobs really do not come often. I would think twice before quitting a job you really like.

[Suz]

Both of my parents have gotten ill within the last month. At some point, we'll have to broach the subject of care as my sister and I live far away from them. I guess because it's not something that we want to think about that it's easy not to deal with the subject.

Whatever you decide to do, now or in the future, I wish you the very best.

[Mellie]

Mare,
How you make us all think about such heavy subjects! I can't bring myself to seriously think about the what-if scenarios for my folks - they just turned 60 and are in pretty good shape, so I don't feel that I have to. Also, I suppose, their financial situation allows me the luxury of not having to worry too much. The in-laws are a different matter. D and I have had some short conversations about it, and I think D is actually resigned to footing the bill for proper medical care should the need arise. But we don't have to discuss details yet - as we all know, any life could be upended in a moment, so I try not to worry too much about stuff so far in the future. It might not ever come to pass.

[wessel]

I'm glad that your father is doing so well! What a relief.

About the other question regarding aging parents -- I don't have any answers, since the issue doesn't really apply to me given family circumstances. I do worry about who will care for me, since my son appears to be pursuing guitar playing at college and his lone cousin is even less likely than he is to make a living someday, and there are no other kids in the family, leaving a number of childless aunts and uncles. So I think all of us are a little worried about who's going to watch the old folks! Currently there are about 6 of us looking to these 2 very unambitious kids. Hmmmm. Maybe I'll go review my retirement portfolio.

Mare, as far as whether to move back home, at least that's a decision that you don't have to make today, so just continue thinking about it and being open to possibilities as they arise. And on the bright side, you don't know what might happen in life to change your whole perspective and make that decision suddenly seem so easy and clear.

Thinking of you, as always.

[Raia]

Hi, Mare, I have only one surviving parent and she has suddenly developed heart problems and cancer. It looks like she'll be on the mend soon, thank goodness, but it has prompted me also to think about these things. Luckily I have some siblings to help. In fact, it took such teamwork from the sibs on this, that I've been thinking 2 children would be much better than the 1 I thought I wanted. OF course, still haven't managed to produce the 1, so thinking 2 would be better is purely an abstraction. I would want to help my mom until her needs became unmanageable, and I would rearrange my life to do so. I don't live abroad, making it easier, but I would regret forever not doing so. It's a personal choice, though, not for everyone.

As for you moving back to the states, of course you shouldn't make such huge decisions while so much is going on. Do what feels right each day.

[zhl]

What a difficult subject, but it's good that you think about it now while they are still healthy. If you can, I would have as frank a conversation as you can with your parents about their expectations and their financial situation. And I mean details about what they want, how much they can afford, where their money is, where their important documents are.

You should also look into arranging power of attorney. The lawyers should be able to explain it better than I, but there are several types of power of attorney--power over financial issues, medical issues, etc. It is much easier to arrange power of attorney (that can be invoked only when needed) before it is needed, rather than after. You never know what could happen and leave a parent incapacitated.

You might also want to look into long-term care insurance. I don't know much about it other than you can't get it once you need it. I certainly never expected my mother to end up in a nursing home at 63. My father had tried to get her long-term care insurance after her initial cancer diagnosis but she never qualified as she was never cancer free for a year.

And of course your parents also need a will and a living will. Getting your parents to do all this is a whole other story.

As difficult as all this sounds, I think having something arranged will make you feel better. And then you will be able to consider what role you want to play.

Sorry if this is more than you wanted, but finally I have a chance to offer some of the information I learned from dealing with my mother's illness and death.

[Dead Bug]

My dad made the decisions about his pending dotage and had his lawyer share them with each of the kids. Not much discussion, alas, but at least we know what he wants.

My mother will be another story entirely. Jeff's parents are still galavanting around the world, teaching and travelling and pretending they're twenty-five (seriously, they stay in youth hostels). They don't know which continent they will land on in the end.

It's a tough, depressing thing to consider, all in all.

--Bugs

[Tonya]

I have no idea how it will pan out with my parents. As an only child, I know it will all come down to me. My dad has done the best he could to kill himself these past 5 years, with several strokes and TIAs, but he is also a compulsive liar and there is nothing I can do to help him unless he's willing (and so far, he's not). I imagine at some point my mom will be living with us. I saw her take care of her mom for over 5 years, and how much that wore her down being primary caretaker. Hopefully by the time we get to that stage options for secondary/assitive care will be more advanced (with all the aging baby boomers out there paving the way). I don't want to get as ground-down-to-the-bone as my mom got, but I'd do it in a heartbeat if needed.

[Menita]

Glad your Dad is doing so well.
Your last sentence made me cry. Damn.

[Kim]

The age old question, "who will take care of me" and there's no answer (right now) for either of us. As someone else said - hopefully the choices will get better. We are currently taking care of DH's 70yo mother - and she isn't making it easy. The prospect of our rearranging our lives for her wouldn't satisfy her definition of "being taken care of". We are currently looking at other avenues of care - because it's too much now. My parents are wonderful - they've already made all the arrangements for us. Best wishes for your future - in every area.

[Amyesq]

Timely. Tuesday we celebrate (is the right word?) the one year anniversary of my dad's death. My mom is healthy and young, but given her pack a day habit, I don't think she will make it to super old age either. I honestly don't know if I would want to have my folks around when they get old and frail or not. Sadly, it won't be a choice I have.

And I am curious to hear more about your thoughts on leaving Scotland. I didn't know you were considering it. Perhaps it will be a no go in March? Whatever your decision, I know you will make the right one.

[Meg]

Mare I often think about the last sentence of your post too. It always makes me feel sad.

[Sassy]

Do you know about this -
http://www.trainwrecks.net/?p=112

It's disgusting and I fully believe you have right of reply. I'm soo sorry she found your blog.

[Manuela]

Just sending you lots of support in the face of the nitwits Sassy mentions... I've opted to just send you a comment rather than wasting energy on engaging them...

[bj]

Tthe parent question -- it's a question I think about. I am the eldest and the richest, and my parents now live near me, and spend a lot of time with my children. I am going to be responsible for their care, period. I don't particularly like this role, emotionally (I don't mind the spending the money, but emotionally I find it very difficult). We have not talked about it at all, and we really really should before the questions become difficult. My concern isn't physical frailty, which will still allow us to give us time to have the discussion (and since money isn't a problem, those problems can be addressed), but mental frailty. The problem with end-of-life care, and frail old age these days is that you loose the mental ability to make decisions, and you really need to make them ahead of time. But no one likes having to think through those things.

Regarding my own children, I really really want to plan so that they are not taking care of me. Until you mentioned it here, the idea that my kids would be responsible for me sometime in my life just didn't occur to me (they're 5 & 2). I guess, part of the reason is that I've always thought I was going to die quickly, not slowly. But, we don't get to make that choice, either, do we?

f*k those a*holes at trainwrecks. Frankly, I'm a bit upset I clicked on the link at all, and think the best solution is to ignore them, not to reply. Don't give them traffic. That's what their looking for.

bj

[bj]

please forgive my language. I couldn't help myself; I was so annoyed.

bj