Dragged backwards

Oh yikes, I am crankalicious. Chalk it up to hormones, boredom, or the unceasing grim, grubby weather; my former good mood is somewhat squelched. Instead it seems I must contend with a long series of grumpy-making events. And where better than to have a right good whinge but in my pajamas and furry slippers in front of the internets.

Firstly there are the minor annoyances- not one but two buttons on my coat suddenly came off during yesterday’s walk, leaving my delicate flesh at the mercy of the biting wind, and looking sloppy besides. The prices in my favourite lunch place were raised today, and my carefully calculated change was not
enough. How dare they? Despite a futile scrabble in my wallet for additional change, I had to beg the extra 7p off my companion.

After which I managed to dump half my coffee down my front. Huzzah.

Then there is the recent electricity bill. Oh, I wish to weep. It would seem that for the past year or so we have been somehow underpaying. The reckoning is a vast, ghastly invoice. I am now completely horrified at how much it is costing to heat our flat, and spent the weekend running around after E. turning off all the lights in his wake.

Also, can I just say: South Dakota. Um, what the fucking fuck is going on?

Then there is my grand plan, which has hit a minor snag. I shall almost certainly find a way around the problem, but to go my desired route will now entail a certain amount of extra work- writing letters, compiling various documents, firing off pleading emails into the void. Needless to say, I am good at this sort of palaver, but it’s tiresome. The only bright side is that I have found an ally, a friend of mine who is
also interested in doing this…thing. Together we have vowed to scale the barricades and make it work. Viva Project Possibly Possible!

Even with all this moving on, there is still the occasional sullen backwards stumble. Today, for instance, I spied yet another colleague sporting a modest bump. My eyes bugged out, since I had had a ten minute conversation with her last week and had noticed nothing. She was standing in the corridor talking to someone else, and I actually made a round-about detour so I could get a second covert look- was it really a bump or was she just having a bad posture/wardrobe day? Mmm, definitely looks like a bump.

Cue plunge into sudden, abject depression. With possibly one or two exceptions, every female under 40 working in my immediate vicinity has gotten pregnant at least once or twice in the last couple years. The parade of pregnancy is unceasing. Every time I believe the torment is finally finished, a new one springs out of the woodwork. And every time, I have the same urge to run screaming out of the office, rendered.

Which sometimes makes me think that, all the good plans aside, I may never really shake off this sadness completely. That time will never be a complete healer on this one. With all my best intentions, I still find myself feeling like a freak, the odd one out, the one that is always left behind, the only one who can’t do this. The only one who can’t have this.

Comments

[Pamplemousse]

My dear, you are not alone in this. And losing buttons and throwing coffee certainly does not help either! It is the weather, I tell you. Cabin fever and a lack of Vit D.

[ink]

Hi there, Mare.

I just started reading your blog last week, but I'm already a confirmed addict. How could I help it? You're saying all of the things I've said to myself so many times.

I know you've already got plenty of on-line support - but I thought it couldn't hurt for one more voice to say, "I know. I understand. I've been there too."

In my case, it's unexplained infertility. My husband and I went through almost 4 years of treatments (the whole gamut, including some experimental stuff) before finally giving up. They never did work out what's wrong with me.

That was almost 5 years ago now, and I can say that it is possible to move on and be content - thrive even - although the grief doesn't ever really leave. In some ways, I think it must be like having a child die - there's a true sense of loss (one that is dulled, perhaps, with time but never entirely disappears) for what is not and cannot be.

Just as with a death, you can't allow yourself to stop living, to stop being as rich and rounded a person as you can be. The grief and sorrow are simply one part of the whole: they change you, but do not have to define you.

I'm so glad to read about your new plans, even if they're turning out to be a bit more complicated than expected. You sound like a very strong, intellegent woman, and I really do wish you every happiness.

Sorry if this post is a bit incoherent. I've not really ever written about these thoughts and feelings before and it's hard to find the right words.

Thanks for sharing your life with us.

ink.

[Leggy]

You are not alone, but unfortunately, there's no law that says only infertiles can work in the same office together. I wish- wouldn't it be nice never to see bumps in the office, unless you suddenly get one yourself, then the ban is lifted?
Looking forward to hearing more about this new project.

[Schnozz]

What in the fucking fuck IS going on in South Dakota? I promised myself I wouldn't think about it anymore today. Aggggh!

I'm sorry you're grumped out and PMSy and all that ... it's never fun. Keep us updated on Project Possibly Possible.

[Stephanie]

I completely relate to you on this...finding out someone else is pregnant feels like you just got slapped in the face. And in my office it's worse...lots of young urban women having babies with no fathers around...sometimes I feel like it's a damn breeding ground around here...hang in there..I'm convinced God only does this to the people who can handle it...

[Jodie]

Somedays I feel like Wonderwoman, and pity all those people who have children without a second thought. Other days.....well I guess I don't need to explain.
Today a male colleague asked if I was pregnant because I looked big "up there". I think he was looking at my chest, unless my thighs have levitated.

[Amyesq]

I so know what you mean. Even now I got a little bit nauseous reading about your colleague. One nice thing about my working in a veritable cave now is not having to deal with that.

Please let me know what's going on w/you.

[Adrienne]

I'm a long time reader/ lurker on your blog and I had to come out of hiding because you brought up something I was just thinking about last week--the fact that this hurt and disappointment of infertility is like no other in that it will never go away, no matter how much time passes. I anticipate the hurt and sadness and feelings of loss will be there, still fresh, 30, 40 years from now. Each new pregnancy announcement makes the pain that much more pronounced.

Just wanted to say, I so understand. Its such a lonely suffering, too.

Adrienne

[thalia]

Oh the pregnant colleagues they make me want to stab something, every time. I'm sorry you've been afflicted. The indignity of the cofee and the buttons, and the 7p would have got to me, too. I hope the weather at least will lift soon and enable a shot of vitamin D.

[JG]

long time lurker - those new pregnancy discoveries are just awful. I hope it's not rude to ask, but are you able to freeze your eggs in Scotland? Notwithstanding the hard things you are/have been going through, to have the biological clock clanging away thunderously must be so hard - especially rebuilding your relationship and not knowing whether trying to conceive will get back onto the agenda - and if it did, whether it would be getting too late. So I wondered if you could freeze some eggs, then you could take that black cloud off the horizion and let things happen, as they happen for a while.

I started trying to conceive on my 39th birthday, after a whirlwind romance & wedding. After 4 months of trying, we found out that IVF/ICSI was our only option. 6 cycles later, donor eggs were introduced to the equation. I'm incredibly lucky that any baby ensuing will be biological, thanks to my sister, but that doesn't change the fact that if I could go back to age 37 and jump my future husband [well that would have to be in a petrie dish..], I would do so in a heartbeat.
Good luck, you seem to have managed to pull yourself together amazingly well after such a shattering year

[Lisa]

I can relate. I don't suffer from infertility but my husband is leaning towards not wanting kids and it's extremely painful for me. I can't really talk to anyone about it so I spend a lot of time crying in the bathtub. Everyone I know has kids, and even the people who never wanted children are having #2 or 3. It sucks, hard core.

[Kathy Napolitano]

From 3+ years past the "I don't know if we will even be together in 9 mo so no more treatments" talk I can tell you what it looks like form here. Better, not gone, but better and I still get knocked backwards from time to time, Most of teh time I can say that I don't blame him though I occasionally still get angry that there was only one thing I ever NEEDED his support for and he wasn't there. Now I just try not to dwell on it too much. after 3 years fo struggle He is much more supportive and less critical and way more loving than ever before. Do I love him? Yep do I still wish I had that baby I didn't get? Yep? but it hurts less and less often.

Big HUGS!

[JennaM]

I hate parades. But I love surprises. Please let us know as soon as possible about the big PLAN. I'm all for it, whatever it may be!

[Tiffanni]

I can't wait to hear about the myterious 'PLAN'
You are keeping us on the edge of our...computer chairs! ;)
UGH..on losing the buttons...and extra work...and 'bumpy' co-workers.

[Truly Tested]

I have been reading your blog for some time now and have appreciated your honesty and openness about so many things, including the strains IF puts on relationships, and if there's one thing that emerges, it is an indomitable spirit. While the increasing prices, spilled coffee (don't cry over spilled...coffee!) and belly bulges feel like setbacks indeed, I suspect that they are no match for you.

[Meg]

My work place is like that too. Thank goodness I'll be on long service leave in a weeks time and won't have to worry about drive bys at work.

[fisher queen]

I just hope the pain at seeing pregnancies subsides. I can't imagine a life filled with that.