At the moment, E. and I are proceeding on the basis that for the foreseeable future, we will stay together. Of course, I can usually foresee about as far as next Tuesday, so that's not saying much. But I suppose it's better than endless day-in, day-out wobbling on the grim knife edge.
As part of this tentative re-negotiation of the relationship-that-was and the one that will be, we have obviously had a couple of things to talk about. One being: what we will do, if anything, about trying to have a family? What was interesting is that for the first time in a long time, this conversational tack didn't inspire me with either gut-wrenching fear, excited anticipation, or saddened flatness. My main reaction was a sort of benign indifference. Because at the end of the day, what is left to say?
In short, the options for us appear to be as follows: do nothing or do IVF or other treatment again.
The idea of doing IVF again at this point is, to my mind, frankly out of the question. Aside from the fact that the last go-round didn't go so well in terms of outcome, my view on it is that the whole process did play a big part in bringing this relationship to its fucking knees. Why would I want to go back there, and more importantly how can I even think of going back there? It's hard enough doing such treatment with somebody when you're in a rock solid situation;whereas less than two months ago I wasn't sure if E. and I were going to spending Christmas together. So the notion of sashaying off to the next round of IVF, as if all of that were a small blip on the radar, is completely ludicrious. Of course, I don't have a crystal ball, but if I was a betting girl, I wouldn't back that particular horse.
Listen, I have spent some long, hard, tearstained, wine-soaked hours over the last few months coming to terms with the idea that the life I wanted was probably not going to come about. I do hear a tiny voice in my head which plaintively cries out "But if you don't do anything now, you'll never have children". But on the whole, that has given way to something much sterner and harder. A cool, slightly detached voice, which says that in the present circumstances, embarking on the pursuit of further treatment at this stage is basically akin to sticking my finger in a light socket.
So, for now the answer is wait and see. If things improve to the point where I feel secure enough to go down that road, then who knows. It could take a long, long time to get to that point, and by that stage, I may want to even less than I do now.
I've learned to never say never in this game. Really though, deep down in my heart, it does feel like that particular ship has sailed. And my main concern is to learn to love and accept the dock I'm standing on, rather than forever mourning the loss of the high seas.