I was standing on the dock when that ship sailed

At the moment, E. and I are proceeding on the basis that for the foreseeable future, we will stay together. Of course, I can usually foresee about as far as next Tuesday, so that's not saying much. But I suppose it's better than endless day-in, day-out wobbling on the grim knife edge.

As part of this tentative re-negotiation of the relationship-that-was and the one that will be, we have obviously had a couple of things to talk about. One being: what we will do, if anything, about trying to have a family? What was interesting is that for the first time in a long time, this conversational tack didn't inspire me with either gut-wrenching fear, excited anticipation, or saddened flatness. My main reaction was a sort of benign indifference. Because at the end of the day, what is left to say?

In short, the options for us appear to be as follows: do nothing or do IVF or other treatment again.

The idea of doing IVF again at this point is, to my mind, frankly out of the question. Aside from the fact that the last go-round didn't go so well in terms of outcome, my view on it is that the whole process did play a big part in bringing this relationship to its fucking knees. Why would I want to go back there, and more importantly how can I even think of going back there? It's hard enough doing such treatment with somebody when you're in a rock solid situation;whereas less than two months ago I wasn't sure if E. and I were going to spending Christmas together. So the notion of sashaying off to the next round of IVF, as if all of that were a small blip on the radar, is completely ludicrious. Of course, I don't have a crystal ball, but if I was a betting girl, I wouldn't back that particular horse.

Listen, I have spent some long, hard, tearstained, wine-soaked hours over the last few months coming to terms with the idea that the life I wanted was probably not going to come about. I do hear a tiny voice in my head which plaintively cries out "But if you don't do anything now, you'll never have children". But on the whole, that has given way to something much sterner and harder. A cool, slightly detached voice, which says that in the present circumstances, embarking on the pursuit of further treatment at this stage is basically akin to sticking my finger in a light socket.

So, for now the answer is wait and see. If things improve to the point where I feel secure enough to go down that road, then who knows. It could take a long, long time to get to that point, and by that stage, I may want to even less than I do now.

I've learned to never say never in this game. Really though, deep down in my heart, it does feel like that particular ship has sailed. And my main concern is to learn to love and accept the dock I'm standing on, rather than forever mourning the loss of the high seas.

Comments

[Cricket]

I very much appreciate your candor and your hard-fought acceptance of your current circumstances. It is a good lesson for many of us, myself included. I hope your horizon remains steady.

[Lala]

"learn to love and accept the dock I'm standing on, rather than forever mourning the loss of the high seas". Well said friend.

[Lut C.]

I'm glad a decision has been made on the relationship front. I hope some really good times come rolling around for you and E., pronto!

On the tentative feelings of acceptance, I bow to you. I realize every day how far from acceptance I am.

[Juliet]

I have been lurking for ages and check on you daily and really like your honesty and really care as to the outcome. Which is why I'm going to take a deep breath and write what I think, even if it may offend you (and I hope it doesn't) and just hope you appreciate my honesty.

But in my view (and I'm 38 and childless and not happy about it), I think the main issue is (1) how you view being a single mom, and (2) how you view being with E and no baby.

If you would be 'happy' being a single mom - then maybe you should proceed with IVF (if E is willing), with the view that even if it causes the relationship to fail, you could still end up with a baby.

On the other hand, if you would be happier with E and no baby than being a single mom, your current plan is probably the best.

But I think you need to see that by proceeding with the relationship at the cost of dropping IVF, you could, in the future, result in no relationship, no baby and no chance for a baby. If E and no baby is worth the risk, then go for it girl, but if you're really betting on E and trying for a baby in the future I think it's too long a shot (and yes biology sucks, and its not fair).

I'm not trying to be negative to the relationship - but maybe if it will fail due to infertility it will fail further down the line due to another issue. So I think, at this stage in your life, you have to put the chance of a baby first. But only - obviously - if you would be happy being a single mom. And you know if E won't do IVF there are options for the single woman (which I'm considering, and which I'm sure you know all about).

All I know is I'm currently putting my search for love as second priority to my quest for a baby and you appear to be doing the opposite. I'm not saying you're wrong, but I know for me it would be wrong.

All the best, hope this isn't assvice. But seeing as your decision is so different to mine, I felt compelled to say something.

[Juliet]

Me again. I also feel compelled to add that if you really, deep down in your heart, are ready to learn to love and accept the dock you're standing on, then good luck in every way. It's a brave decision and these are sh*tty times for 30-something women.

[patricia]

I think you are doing right thing. In fact, I'm almost positive. Having been in a not dissimilar situation a year ago. Learning to stand on the my own particular dock was very hard. But my life is the better for it now.

You may not be with E. forever, but you very well may. Regardless, everything takes it's course, and you can't rush it. Which is very unfortunate if you have a biological clock, but what are you gonna do?

I wish you the very best.

[Prop Your Hips Up]

Mare,

I wouldn't deign to give you any advice other than to take it one step at a time. I am glad that you and E are figuring out where you want to go and acknowledging the millions of elements that got you here. It is all about deciding what you each can live with how ever it all plays out. What I do offer is my support.

[Anna H.]

You, my friend, are strong and wise. No advice here, just love.

I like it that you write about "this particular ship," because it is a very particular voyage that you were hoping and planning to take. But you haven't fled into the hills, or refused to leave the rickety shelter on the windy beach -- you're standing on the dock instead, watching and waiting for whatever might show up on the horizon. That's terrifying, to be sure, but who knows what adventures are waiting for you? I can't wait to find out...

Much love (and admiration, too)

xxoo

[Melissa]

Best of luck.

[Kath]

Best of luck for the two of you, Mare. May good things happen, and may other ships and other joyful journeys come.

[thalia]

Mare, I think I'm closer to the Juliet camp than others who have commented, so I hope it's ok to be straight with you.

I think it all hangs on whether you think E is the right person for you, and whether you will be happy to be childless. If E is the right person for you, then you need to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work and it doesn't matter if you have children or not. If right now the relationship can't cope with trying to have children, then you shouldn't do it.

If you know that having children is important to you, then you need to plan for that. Not in any way refusing to recognise the dock on which you are standing, but more recognising that you can reshape the dock to fit some of your own needs, you don't just have to take what you are given.

This is of course completely coloured by me being 39 and wishing very very hard that I'd met my husband earlier so that we could have got started on this earlier. I regret not taking my declining fertility seriously earlier.

So it sounds to me is the wait and see that you describe, but a little bit more active than you seem to be proposing. I think the thing to do right now is to recognise and relish the dock that you are on, but not to go on relishing it for too long. Make an appointment to check back in in six months and see if you are happy, if this approach works for you, if you can bear the thought of never having biological children. I don't want to be alarmist, I just don't want you to rule something out inadvertently if the long term consequences of that decision are going to be wrong for you. I don't think the ship has sailed. I think it's becalmed and you can keep it there for a certain length of time. Don't let go of it just yet. One IVF that didn't work is not the death knell of your fertility.

I am very glad that things are better between you and E, however. That is really good news.

[wessel]

Oh Mare, in a way I hated this post, which is the same thing as saying that I loved it deeply -- does that make sense? It "resonates with me," as they say, and that's why it hurts so much. I, too, have to face the fact that the life I always dreamed of is probably not to be.

In a sense, I'm in the Juliet/Thalia camp which says, roughly, take care not to give up a baby for a man. However, I have a bit different perspective which allows me to get behind your current decision. One is that I have learned nothing if not that IVF is NO PANACEA. Sadly, it fails more often than it works. Forgive me for not remembering if you have male factor or tubal factor, two conditions that would make IVF mandatory. But if you have neither of those issues, then trying alternative treatments like TCM or less stress inducing non-IVF treatments like stims/IUI may still bring you what you dream of. It is certainly not hopeless. You only spoke of doing/not doing IVF -- you didn't say anything about not trying at all. If you love this man and you want to strengthen the relationship, then yes, you are smart to avoid stressing it any further. Hopefully you will see the signs soon of whether it is shaping up into a healthier, happier union and that will vindicate your decision. If it looks like it is veering down the same old path, then you can change course, alone, at that time.

I will blog about it soon, but I had an amazing meeting today with my new TCM. It only confirms for me what I have known for a couple of years now -- that western medicine simply has nothing to offer me. I'm not alone either -- there are many women like me, and that's what I'm trying to say to you, that you need not assume that failing to pursue aggressive, soul and relationship destroying medical treatments will result in your not having a baby. I just don't believe that. In fact, if we look at the stats (and western medicine has sure trained us to look at the stats, right?), then you see that many women in their forties who have high FSH or are poor responders actually conceive naturally more often than they do with ART.

Wishing you lots of luck and healing. :-)

[Emily]

No advice, just lots of love.

Thinking of you.

xo,

[Georgia]

Great post, great woman, and I see great things ahead. I don't know what those things look like, but you sound solid and openhearted, so I think things will be good.

Much love.

[cat]

May that dock that you are standing hold firm and blossom into the rock solid you so desire. With or without pursing any further course of treatment I hope that you and E will find a deep more stable love through all of this. Will be thinking of you always and wishing you the best that life can bring you.

[Anna H.]

I know that you've been grappling all along (and still do!) with all of the questions being asked of you here. I also know how hard (and exhausting) it can be to try and explain or describe what's going on in a relationship that stumbled and is trying to right itself...

You're able to embrace the future in the midst of so much uncertainty; you are smart and strong and wholly engaged in thinking about all of the options.

No more comments from me (on this post, at least!), but I just wanted to acknowledge again how much hard work you're doing right now. And how much I admire you for it.

xxoo

[Ornery]

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

[persephone]

I don't want to come across as either approving or questioning your choices, Mare. I have so much respect for you, and as I think Anna was saying, I think it can be exhausting to not only work as hard as you're doing, but find yourself explaining or justifying it to others. So when I say I think I would do the same thing in your shoes, all I mean is that I hope there's some small comfort in knowing someone else out there feels like you.

It has always been clear to me that my priorities were #1 = partner, #2 = child. Yes, of course it depends on having found THE right partner to make that tradeoff worthwhile, and yes, the balance might have shifted as I got older, but I could only follow my gut on both of those counts. I told my husband more than once than even if I knew I could have a child easily with someone else, I would still rather be childless with him. (And I think, somewhere in the back of my mind, I reminded myself that it was -- in our case -- the possibility of a biological child I might be giving up. Not a child.)

Anyway. I hope much happiness waits ahead for you with E, if that is where your foremost heart's desire lies. And I hope that the possibility of all your other heart's desires remains out there, too.

[Kathy Napolitano]

I have so been there. 3 years later I got PG and m/c again. Any you know what? It didn't break my heart, dented it a bit I could never say it didn't hurt, but No where near as much as hearing "I don't knwo if we'll even be together in 9 months let alone wanting to be having a baby". Three years later I think I'm mostly forgiven him. Mostly. Every now and then, when I'm alone and tired and have just seen a baby smile from someone else arms (or even on the TV)the eyes fill adn sometimes actually spill over. In my head I know that not having a baby now it the right thing for me. My heart is a bit harder to get through to. I do have to warn you I'm not sure that I will ever reach a point where I don't occasionally get just a little angry that I didn't have that chance, Maybe it's a bit that there really has only been one thing that I wanted with all my heart, one thing that I needed his support for, and he wasn't there for me.

Please excuse any typo's and miss spellings things are a bit blurry as I have my little pity party... I'll be fine in the morning and honestly we are stronger than we ever were before.

HUGS and I hope that someday soon you get to the comfort zone that makes IVF not such a big risk and that if you try and get that nasty -'ve at least is won't be something you blame him for. Sending healthy relationship wishes.

[Amyesq]

I think as long as you are standing at the dock you can never really know for sure what's going to come sailing up. But I am so glad there is a detente beween you and E, hopefully you can regain some balance.

(I don't know what it is about your posts that compel me to cheesily respond in the original metaphor that you much more eloquently set out. Perhaps we can discuss it over massages. And wine. And chocolate.)

Much love.

[Menita]

I'm thinking of you, and I just don't know what to say.

[JennaM]

Benign indifference? Cool detachment? How about thoughtful planning? Rational compassion? Choosing to put reproduction and/or parenting on hold makes you the opposite of the machine you present, here. It makes you SO MUCH MORE authentic and human.

Take care of yourself, Mare. You deserve everything good in the world.

xoxo
JennaM

[JennaM]

Reading that over, it seems implicitly critical. I meant to be recuperative. I think you are incredibly sensitive and ethical and emotional (in a great way) is what I meant to imply.

Sorry--marbles in my mouth, today.

xoxo

[Heidi]

I know this is tough for you. But you are strong and fabulous, and I know you've thought long and hard about what's best and right for you. This is more than I can say for most who plunge senselessly ahead without pause.

As you said, "never say never". Who knows what's ahead? You'll take it one step at a time, and when the best ship for you approaches, you'll know when to get on it. As always, I'm in your corner.

[Sandy]

Coming from someone who lives right on the ocean...I've stood on the dock manys a day, looking out on both calm and choppy waters. There's a lot of wisdom to be found on the dock. Listen to your heart.

[Demeter]

Mare:

I am sorry for de-lurking, but I felt compelled to write to you. My hairs went up when I read some of your last postings, as you are travelling through the difficulties of your relationship and your IVF treatments. It is a very tough decicion to make. I am going trhough a very similar situation right now, to leave or not to leave, to be a single mom, to toss motherhood over the board. What next?
All I could tell you from my viewpoint is that, whether E stays or not, you have to make very hard decisions for your life. If what you want is children, no one should be ahead of that decision because you could regret it the rest of your life. A relationship is important but it could sail back and forth, it is not a turning point. Children are! If you don't try your posibility to have children now, you will not have it later. I am not saying that relationships are a secondary notion, but at the moment, you should think of how you would face this on your own, as it might come down your way. I am going through that myself. I hope you find the clarity to reach out to your deepest desires and forge ahead whatever that may be.