The glue that binds us together

E. and I recently began making tentative plans for a holiday. Or rather, as usual, I started making plans- throwing out one enticing option after another for him to chew over like a puppy with a bone. Eventually, he will pick one he likes, and we will go with that. I already like them all, so it's good. At this point, given that our relationship still often feels as if it's supported only by wobbly foal legs, I am not reading too much into all this. It seems to come down to the fact we want to get away somewhere, and we figure we may as well go together.

You know I don't like talking too much about the various fissures in my present situation, which are deep, complicated and possibly impenetrable. However, it does seem to me that even if we hadn't been coping with our particular brand of relationship crap, we would have another major issue to sort out.

And that is: when the dream of a family dies for a couple, what replaces it?

I mean, OK, so you intend on spending your life with somebody. Usually, for the relationship to work, that entails more than just "love." There must be common goals, interests, values. Something to bind you together, to each other. Obviously in many cases, one of the primary goals is to have children- to create a family together and to raise that family in a manner mutually agreeable to both of you. So you start planning your future around that possibility: moving to a bigger house, somewhere with a garden, checking the budget, re-arranging the work timetable, imagining the reality of a couple turned into something larger, greater, more intricate.

When the option of children and all that comes with it is suddenly wiped off the road map, what is left? E. and I, we thought we were ready. We'd bought a warm, child-friendly flat together. We'd deliberately chosen to buy a car which could fit a stroller in the back. We sat down and looked at finances, decided I would work part-time, investigated nurseries close to my office. Then, as you know, we embarked on a long fruitless endevour with an unsuccessful outcome. Until everything we'd planned and wished for had not come to pass.

What I am still not sure about is whether in the absence of a family there will ultimately be anything to keep E. and I together. Whether the space between us can ever be filled with something that will take the place of parenthood. Whether holidays, pets, new cars (ones designed to look sexy rather than to be practical), our mutual careers can ever provide the necessary glue to bind us together for the rest of our lives. Whether we can give all the love we would have given to a child to each other.

I know there are a great many couples who have no desire to have kids; who in fact delight and glory in their child-free state. I am sure there is something I can learn from them. But what I wonder is: if you come into the relationship with hope of parenthood in your heart, can you ever really be satisifed with something else when that hope dies?

I don't know the answers to all these questions. But I guess while I'm figuring it out, I may as well plan a holiday.

Comments

[Georgia]

I really don't know. It's a good question.
My husband and I met when we were "older", by some standards--I was 34, he was 39--we got engaged 9 months later, married 9 months after that. Part of our haste was our desire to have children, and b/c our ages we knew we had to get going. We started TTC right away, and it's not been a smooth ride at all. So far our whole marriage has centered in a key way around starting a family. It's our project. As the problems arose, I started to panic--what did it mean for "us", not having kids? There's been a certain momentum all along, and then we stalled. S swears that his life has meaning without kids, and I believe him. Me, more of a struggle with that, though I think of my rich life as a single 30-something, before meeting S, and I appreciate it. So I feel that as individuals, our lives have meaning without kids. But what I don't know for sure is how much meaning our relationship has without kids. I wonder and worry about it.
Curious to know what conclusions you come to in this process.

[JennaM]

Mare,
I do believe there's a lot of space between "child-free and loving it" and childless (and miserable) by default. I am a firm believer in echewing all that society says is "right" in a relationship/family and instead building things from the ground up. I think you really honor yourself and your relationship by deliberating so carefully and proceeding so porously... keep listening to what your own gut tells you about what you feel NOW, and what you want for yourself NOW. You'll find the right middle space, I am certain. And if you don't find it, you'll know exactly when to cut and run. Until then, I think a holiday anywhere sounds like the perfect idea.

All love and best wishes.
Jenna

[jc]

In a weird way, I think being childless after all those years of IF has kind of bound Hub & I to each other - after all, who else is there to hang out with when all our friends are shopping for baby clothes or chauffering junior's soccer team? Hub is now daydreaming about a retirement condo somewhere warm and beachy and I am wondering how many kids I can sponsor through Foster Parents Plan before he notices the Visa bill. Seriously though, I hope you find your glue...in the meantime, enjoy your holiday!

[Lisa]

Excellent question, I'll be watching replies. I don't think children are in my future and I think I'm going to do some volunteering with animals. That's the only thing I can think of that will make me feel fulfilled without children.

[Jonniker]

I think that one of life's greatest gifts is learning to find the blessings in what *is*, rather than what we want it to be. You're in an odd state, after everything you've been through, and it's hard to see what your life actually is rather than what you thought it would be, but you'll find it. You'll find your glue. And if you don't, then you'll find your own glue.

[Annie]

First, yes, fwiw, I do think there can be plenty of meaning in a relationship with no children. But it's largely what you bring to the party yourself. When my husband and I married, I didn't know if I would ever want children, since I had such a horrific childhood and the thought of ever subjecting anyone else to that sort of thing made me cringe. It took me some years to discover that all families were not and did not have to be that way. In the meantime, my "meaning" in my relationship with my husband came from simply being happy in his company, having a companion who loved me, supported me, and wouldn't scream at me. My husband also found meaning in our relationship, but discovered after a while that his working life lacked it, so he chucked his engineering job, went back to school for a doctorate, and now teaches instead, which gives him the chance to influence other people's lives in a good way. Our goals changed as time went by, and now we want (if at all possible - the jury's still out) to add children to our life together. But our relationship did not start out as child-centered, so we do have somewhere to stand if we never do achieve children.

But is the dream of children utterly dead for you? I know that the IF treatments have not worked out, but is adoption utterly out of the question? I myself have issues with adoption ... mostly because I worry about whether I will get a bright baby (or toddler or whatever) or not. Mind you, I really don't care whether the kid is an overachiever or whatever -- but I have never gotten along well with people who have to be led down the garden path mentally to get an idea, as opposed to those who bound down the path by themselves, frequently outstripping you altogether. I worry about getting a child that I can't relate to in that way.

Sorry, I'm getting into my own issues there, but I just want to say that I do understand that "just" adopting is not a cakewalk. But I am just wondering if it might someday be a viable option for you.

Wishing for the very, very best for you two. Hope you enjoy that holiday together!

[Kath]

Dear Mare, you are in an unenviable place right now (gosh, I have such a tremendous grasp of the obvious, don't I?) because you're grappling with at least two related but really separate life questions. Mending a marriage from within, giving it your all, and at the same time looking at it from the outside and asking whether you can pull off the long haul without children is too much, as the two endeavors are bound to get in each other's way. I know it seems like a huge risk to take right now, but is there any way you could put off the children part of your question for the next six months (or three months, or whatever predetermined period you can live with) and in the meantime focus on building a new base for your marriage? You might be much better equipped to handle the other question once you have (re)discovered what is there, and to give it a truthful answer then. But I realize that this sort of thing is awfully complex and much easier said than done.

I wish you all the best, and great happiness -- and in the more immediate future, a wonderful, wonderful vacation!

[Jill]

I know what my answer would be, but that doesn't mean it's the right one for you. I trust you'll find it. Meanwhile, sending lots of love and support.

[wessel]

Good question. No answers. Sigh.

[Lut C.]

When I was still in uni, I promised myself I wouldn't care too much about my career the first years afterwards, but start a family first. Now that a family is not forthcoming, I feel I should invest in my career, since I don't have anything better to do with my time. Only, the IF blues have drained me, and I just don't care that much about work as I might.

This is very different from your situation, I know, but I feel I recognize some of the feelings you describe.

[Pamplemousse]

For me, if I had to choose between children or Mr P, he would win every time. Our relationship has sustained and nourished me in a way that I never thought possible in my 20s. However, we have been friends for almost 30 years, a couple for 14 and married for almost 9. I do not want to come off as a smug married but the relationship is the primary thing with us. Children are entirely secondary.

Yes, we want one but it is not the be-all and end-all if we don't have one. I did not enter into this with children as the main goal as it was only ever a vague concept in my mind. Yes, we are devoting a lot of time and money and angst and some people would say extraordinary measures to it just now but if it doesn't work out, there is still us. It has always been about us.

I am sure my rambling assvice is not helping you one iota but I hope you can find some peace in all of this.

[Truly Tested]

Mare (if I can call you that),
To say you have your hands full is an understatement. I know that I for one fully resent the strains IF puts on a relationship. I do think it makes sense to not make snap decisions right now but instead to take a "break" from that pressure and just work to heal what you have together. A holiday sounds like the perfect space in which to do such a thing. A change of scenery may be just what the "doctor" ordered.

You raise such good questions. I have also wondered just what a childfree life would look like. (but only to a certain extent as I am still in denial and assuming that kids or a kid will be in my future). My husband and I kind of came to this from different points yet ended up in a similar place (that is, for him marriage in many ways is equated to building a family and for me, having kids or a kid was always a given although I didn't think and don't think that this is the reason to get married.)

I will say that I know couples (not many but that's not important) who have really fulfilling lives without kids. They have tremendous love for each other even if they have different interests and they have the freedom to travel and explore the world.

While I have always thought of having kids as a given, because I got my abrubt shock of reality only a month or so after getting married, I didn't even begin to make those life choices or geographical planning that you have. That must make it all the more painful. Here's a thought: I know that you made those choices about abode, car, etc. with a child in mind...but I'm guessing that you may have bought those same things whether a kid was in the picture or not, so if there's any way to enjoy them without always thinking of the unspoken absence, I would try to. I know this is easier said than done.

[Jessica]

Someone once said that if you don't know what to do, simply do what you were going to do anyways. Right now, that's planning a vacation, and having a great time. :-) The rest will sort itsself out organically, because life generally does, no matter how much we tend to overthink it. But hey, that's never stopped ME from overthinking everything .....

[Emily]

I'm wondering how to fill the space myself and struggling.

[Emily]

I'm wondering how to fill the space myself and struggling.

[map]

My partner is less sure of the child thing than I am. I feel like I will struggle to find meaning without a child and he feels like meaning is fine. But I was incredibly relieved once when he said that he was completely behind the whole lets have a kid project, but also knew that we would be fine without one. We would go see live music and theater and live in a big city and all sorts of stuff. It made me realize a couple of things. The current geographic parameters of my job will probably need to be rearranged for my relationship regardless or parenthood. And we will make a way together.

But getting there, Mare, has taken a long, long time and has not meant being on the same page all the time. You might leave E, you might stay together, but I so appreciate your willingness to talk about the challenges of making a relationship, what it feels like to work through those spaces of doubt and distance. I know that we will have them again....

[fabulousdismount]

hello,
we're in similiar situations, you and i, and though i'm new to your website i felt compelled to comment today after having thought about it for awhile last night. i can say that i don't know what will happen in my marriage, but that my tendency lately is to shut down and chalk it up to the fact that he 'can't understand'. the only thing i can do right now is fight that tendency by trying to share with him everything i'm feeling/thinking. i was hesitant and really surprised to learn that we both ended up feeling less isolated/sad. being in it together has made everything so much more bearable. (and also sometimes i think about going to the beach with all my friends who have babies and flaunting the fact that i don't have any stretchmarks or babyfat.) but i'm sort of bitter, so you might not want to do that ;)

[Demeter]

Mare:

I will throw you another curve here and say, that the most important thing you can do right now to yourself is to think about "what having a child really means to YOU and only YOU". Your relationship is fragile right now, it may or may not survive, but beyond that you have to know in yourself what this would mean to you the rest of your life. Many people find meaning in other areas of their childless life but many don't. You have to evaluate how important this is for you as a woman, while you try to navigate through the meandering ways of a relationship. This is something that I asked myself many times and have a clear answer that I would be able to answer with or without a man in my life. I wish you luck in whatever you decide and hope that over time you gain more clarity.

[patricia]

This was beautifully written, by the way.

And an excellent question. Even though we have a child, after struggling with infertility I wondered if there was enough left to keep my husband and me together. We felt so far apart for a while. Who DID I marry, anyways?

After some time, I'm pretty sure there still is a lot to keep us together, I really do like him, and we share goals and values and a somewhat sick sense of humor. But you never know for sure. The only thing that is certain is that long term relationships are really hard. At least they are for me.

[Mel]

You have recieved some very sound advice from eveyone. Here's my 2 cents... Live in the now. I know it sounds like "DUH", when else are you supposed to live, but there more to my advice. If you feel that your relationship is needing the love now, then that is what you need to focus on. If it's more important for you to have children now, the that is your focus. Either way, all you have is you, and you have to focus on what YOU need to be happy. I'll be thinking of you, take care.

[Alexa]

I really don't have any answers, but this is something I have thought about a lot. From my own experience and the experiences of family members who have chosen to remain a childfree couple due to the possibility of passing on a genetic defect (this was before IVF would have been a realistic option), I would say that two things help: having work (not neccesarily a job) that you love, and pets.
It might sound silly, but while I can sometimes, barely, imagine a childfree life--with my writing and the Nearly and our cats--I find it almost impossible to imagine our life as a couple being both childfree and cat-free. Silly, perhaps, but true.

[bostonbabyblues]

Oh dear. Everyone reading your blog came here by way of IF blues...searching for something/someone to make us feel better, less alone, like we are not totally crazy to be putting ourselves through the nightmare of IF treatments. No one can walk in your shoes and understand the depths of your despair. But if someone can come close it is him. He knows you better than anyone else especially the torture you have been through. He may not have always said the right thing, reacted the way you wanted him to but my guess is if you loved him before you still love him now. The question you should ask yourself isn't necessarily what is your life going to be without a child but rather what is your life going to be without him. My heart breaks for you and I pray that your vacation will provide some renewed faith in your relationship. xoxoxo

[carey]

Having been struggling for infertility for almost 2 years now, the ONLY thing that has brought me some sort of peace is therapy - it's given me a totally safe place to talk openly about all the crazy things that go through my head...it's helped my relationship as well. Infertility is a life crisis and we don't have to do it all on our own or only experience it with our partners... I don't know if you already see a therapist - but for anyone going through infertility, I highly recommend it... it helps and it can't hurt to try it...