There's a TV programme here in the UK by the name of Relocation Relocation. The format is simple- the presenters, Kirstie and Phil, work as estate agent/realtors to help people in their quest find new homes. The twist (if you can even call it that) is that for the people in question (invariably a couple, or perhaps a mother and daughter), the relocation usually represents a full-on lifestyle change.
So for example: Sally and Bob live in Swindon. Bob is a marketing executive and Sally runs a business from home. Tired of the rat-race, they want to sell their current property, a nasty four bedroom bungalow, and purchase an old barn to convert in the south of France, which they will then run as a B&B. Ideally, the barn should come with acreage, so they can keep bees and chickens, plus grow all their own vegetables. Of course, not wanting to cut all ties with jolly old England, they will also keep a small flat in Devon so they can still be near Bob's parents. With the sale of the Swindon house, they have a budget of three hundred and fifty thousand pounds to achieve their goal.
Go, Kirstie! Go, Phil! Make that dream a reality!
What I like about the show is that the lifestyle changes are occasionally wacky enough to entail traipsing around a large number of interesting properties. The south of France features fairly often and I enjoy choking into my gin and tonic at what you can get for your money there, as opposed to here. Kirstie usually wears some fetching ensembles- in particular, she has this blue coat with very large buttons, of which I have become quite fond. Lastly, things don't always go to plan for the intrepid couples, so it's not uncommon for the show to end without a happy resolution. To my mind, that is good reality TV.
What I find myself wondering lately is how is people actually manage to make all these major, life-changing decisions; some of which involve a fair amount of upheaval and financial risk. Whereas when I look at myself and E., I see a couple who are hamstrung by an apparent inability to decide anything. Sure, we talk a lot about grand schemes to do things: move back to America, build a house in the country, run away and join the circus- but when the talking is done, we don't seem to be any further forward. After all that, it was just talk.
What does it take to make the big moves? To take the big risks? Is it courage? Is it desperation? Is it idealistic naive wishful thinking? Or a bit of all of the above?
Personally, I feel as if I have completely lost my nerve when it comes to going out on the proverbial limb. Which is why I am all about the small steps- one little decision, one tiny move at a time. But eventually, if things are really going to change, there will need to be a large leap.
And the prospect is scary- so much so that lately, I find myself scuttling back to the sofa with the TV channel clicker in my hand. Marveling at those who seem so much braver than I. Of course, they do have help- and some very large buttons- to accompany them on their way. But where did they get up the gumption in the first place- and how do I find some of that resolve to call my own?
I always have to ask myself, "What's the ABSOLUTE worst thing that could happen by taking that risk?" If there's potential to either life or limb, I hesitate, but otherwise it's monetary or time, and that gets lost either way, so what the heck?
It's always hard to step out of your comfort zone.
Posted by: DD | March 15, 2006 at 08:30 PM
I LOVE that coat as well. I've been eyeing it up every week.
Much as I love Relocation, etc., a lot of the people featured are completely naive and I do question their dedication to actually changing their lives rather than just talking about it.
I don't know your story regarding moving to the UK, but uh...that's kind of a big step to make in life, so clearly you are capable of taking the plunge, big-buttoned coat in tow or not.
Posted by: MsPrufrock | March 15, 2006 at 08:32 PM
Let's hear it for big buttons!
Mare, once again, I am amazed that our trajectories (can one call life that? seems weird) seem to share so much--at least in the emotional twists and turns if not in the particulars. I can't begin to express to you how deeply I appreciate the beautiful way you articulate how you are feeling and how that helps me to understand what I am feeling.
(It sounds like I just copy you, but that's not it!)
I also once took risks--what happened to that woman? And also, what's next? I guess it's adoption, but I just feel stuck.
How does one get on that show (Relocation)? I wouldn't mind opening a B&B in the south of France with bees and chickens (after bird flu is behind us, of course)....
It sounds like you know what your next leap should be. Good luck making it. You'll know when the time is right. I have faith.
Posted by: Cathy | March 15, 2006 at 08:46 PM
I think alot of people on t.v. (i.e. reality shows) just enjoy being on t.v.
I think we/you/me don't give ourselves enough credit: we do take risks, whether emotional or financial, and sometimes one person's risk is another's fleeting thought.
And although I don't know you, you come across as being intelligent and having integrity, I'll take that over the French countryside anyday....(unless the property comes with a winery and a charming guest house).
Posted by: Mia | March 15, 2006 at 09:58 PM
Oh, that's so funny you talk about that show because when we were in London three years ago we happened to catch it and there was this family who relocated to the South of France. They didn't speak a word of French, the husband was charged with getting a job as a contractor even though he didn't speak french and they uprooted their three children, one in high school as well. We thought they were nuts. Just nuts. They actually ended up staying but my husband and I asked the same questions you're pondering -- "How could they do that? It was so risky?"
I used to be able to make big moves. When I started over for instance people always asked me how I did it. Completely serious I would answer, "I just called a moving company."
Now, I find that all the grief and disappointment of the last 4 years has left me paralyzed to make any decisions lest they lead to a road of even more pain because even though they could lead to my greatest joy, I'm much too afraid to take risks anymore.
Posted by: Emily | March 16, 2006 at 02:21 AM
you HAVE resolve goddamnit, you cycled across an entire country! that takes more resolve than i could ever muster. you and your resolve have just been beaten down a little is all (and no wonder); but i'm guessing it's still there.
Posted by: ninaB | March 16, 2006 at 02:32 AM
We get Location, Location here on BBCA(merica), and now I'll have to take a look for Relo,Relo.
About change - I think that there are phases in life that make taking risks easier and they come in ebbs & flows. But I also think that they see more frequent in "youth" and then less frequent, and then there is a phase (which I hope to hit not too long from now) where you realize, now or never, and you become willing to take jumps again.
We are in serious shut-down mode at the moment, and it sucks - but I do live vicariously through the risks that others take and I get to see on television!
Posted by: Boulder | March 16, 2006 at 08:10 AM
Hi Mare
I used to ask myself the same question - where's my courage? George Michael helped me find the answer:
Well there ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that I have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul
All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them
So they're not so strong
The bit about money/emptying out my soul applies to George Michael personally (I think), but I found the rest applied to me. It taught me not to blame myself for not leaping - if the reason I wasn't leaping was because I didn't know where to leap to. It taught me that I had first to confront the insecurities that were holding me back - because it was only by knowing them, could I find out what I wanted. And when I knew what I wanted, REALLY WANTED, I would (and you will too), have the courage to to take the massive leap.
To clarify with the personal story - I don't blog, only lurk - beause I'm not a proper 'infertile', in that I may be able to get pregnant if I try. (I lurk, by the way, because it's only in this community that I feel a real connection with people, who like me, fear never being a mother. And this connection eases my soul.)
Anyway, to get back to the story, my issue in getting pregnant has been the man. A year ago (I'm 38 now) I was in a relationship with a 'no-hope' boyfriend with lots of emotional issues, whom I loved dearly. I had known him 10 years and been 'involved' deeply for three, but for various reasons I began to see he would not be the right father to my child. But I was stuck because I truly loved him, and being a single mom hadn't ever seriously crossed my mind (so I had no where to leap). But then I started researching 'single mothers by choice' (SMC) and I realised there were lots of options - though none, admittedly, 'ideal' or 'fairy-tale'...so...
I gave up the fairy-tale; and in the last year, I have left my boyfriend, asked a gay friend I've known over 20 years to be the father to my child (he said no); and now I have approached another lovely man (who wants a week to think bout it). If he says no, I don't know any other man good enough to be my child's father, so I will consider (1) freezing my eggs as an option for biding my time a bit more, or (2) - and this is FAR more likely - go the route of an anonymous donor. Onward and upward...
What I'm trying to say, is that I only found the courage to make the big leap (leaving the man I loved) when I had done the slow thinking about being an SMC. The thinking enabled me to see that I hd two main and opposing insecurities: (1) I was terrified of never being a mom, but (2) I was terrified of letting go of the awesome and really altruistic love I felt for this man - I was afraid, and still am, that I'll never love another man as much again. I had to confront these two opposing insecurities to see which was uppermost. (Incidentally, although I still miss the man, the pain IS easing [just!], and the excitement I feel about being free to have a child in a healthy [though maybe not romantic] relationship is really helping.)
Mare, this is no comment on you and E. No comment at all. All I'm trying to say is don't kick yourself in the butt for this down period. You're doing the work now in your head - so that you can work out which is the right leap for you. When I was doing all the thinking I never got out of bed before 10am (I work flexi time), I used to kick myself for being lazy. Now I see I wasn't - I was just biding my time, resting my energies, steeling my courage, making sure...
Good luck doing the same.
Juliet
Posted by: Juliet | March 16, 2006 at 12:00 PM
I think it is an age thing. When I was younger and unburdened by possessions and mortgage, I did not hesitate to pick up sticks and move south. Now, I would love to emigrate to Canada but I cannot get over the initial steps, fear at being turned down, worries about jobs and mortgages, etc. I equate youth with recklessness and I seem to have lost that.
I am always agog at Relo/Relo as a)Kirstie's wardrobe goes from the sublime to the ridiculous in 1 programme and b) where do people come up with these amounts of money??? Oh, and c) yummy, yummy Phil, of course!!
Posted by: Pamplemousse | March 16, 2006 at 04:00 PM
I agree with the others- I think you have tons of resolve and courage. You can't go through IVF without them...Maybe it's a matter of finding what you most want? We did a smaller version of the show by moving into this old place. There are significant worries that go along with it, and our lives have changed because of the move, but we knew we wanted it badly enough to take the risks.
Posted by: fisher queen | March 16, 2006 at 05:02 PM
I think Pamplemousse hit something there by noting the age factor. And as we get older the factors that motivate us are probably wide and varied. In our case, we're considering a career change, mostly motivated by desperation. And here's the rub about the leap-- I think sometimes the further one gets out on the limb, the less scary that leap looks. Somewhere along the line it might even seem like fun to sail through the air! Maybe...
Posted by: Katie | March 16, 2006 at 09:12 PM
I really like what Katie wrote above - that it's easier to leap from further out on the edge. D and I have this long-term plan to move to Maine. In the beginning, D would make fun of me for calling it a "plan" but in my head, that's the first step. If you act like it's going to happen, it will - well, at the very least if you don't act like it's going to happen it definitely won't.
Posted by: Mellie | March 16, 2006 at 09:26 PM
Love Kirstie and Phil, can't stand to watch her pregnancy on screen.
As for making the big choices...sometimes taking the leap - no matter the outcome - is better than staying in the rut. Change begets its own reward. And I've discovered that if you don't make the choice, the Universe will make it for you...
Posted by: Orodemniades | March 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
As someone who hates change but loves adventure, I don't know how to respond. It's easy for someone on the sidelines (me) to shout, "Do it!" but I look at my own indecision in many areas (a career change, move, etc.), and I'm a total wimp. I guess I'll just shut up.
So, why am I commenting if I have nothing interesting to say? I don't know. I guess just to say hi, and let you know that I'm on the sidelines, even if you can't hear me shouting.
Posted by: Heidi | March 17, 2006 at 12:29 AM
It took a minor heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery for my husband to make the changes he wanted/needed to make. I think its about being so uncomfortable in your current circumstances that you have to make a change.
Posted by: Bridget | March 17, 2006 at 03:29 PM
OK, I pondered this one for a bit.
I was going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that it was a youth thing since I was always a risk taker and was often seen to jump up and relocate myself, change jobs, looks, etc. I wouldn't dream of moving now - I hope to never move again.
So what's different? Is it that I'm an old coot now? Then I decided that it's not that I'm old(er), but that I've found what I'm looking for. The right house, the right farm, the right family, the right man (thank the powers-that-be!).
I think you're progressing in the right direction even though it might not feel like it right now. You're not settling for an outcome but getting comfortable with what you need ... and preparing to make the chages to get it.
Ugh, that sounded so vague. I hope that made sense.
-Blue
Posted by: -Blue | March 17, 2006 at 05:53 PM
I try to remember the quote about it being better to regret doing something than to regret NOT doing something (Twain, maybe?)
Posted by: Georgia | March 17, 2006 at 06:26 PM
But must add that I agree w/the age thing. At 37, it's hard for me to get fired up about changes. Even when it comes to something like breakfast.
Posted by: Georgia | March 17, 2006 at 06:26 PM
I think there is just a limit to how much uncertainty any one person can handle at one time. You've got quite enough going on without adding in the uncertainty of where you are going to live next week. The time will come to take the big leap, maybe not just yet.
Posted by: thalia | March 18, 2006 at 12:47 PM
Mare,
When I am at a junction where I have to make big decisions, I only look in front of me and I look at the final line; at the outcome I am expecting. The rest is just noise and if I look sideways or behind me I would be paralized. That has helped me. The first step is of course to think about it, but it will eventually come. If baby steps work for you, so be it. You are on the right track it seems.
Posted by: Demeter | March 20, 2006 at 09:05 PM
Hi Mare.
I've absolutely nothing new to add to the many thoughtful (and remarkably well-expressed) comments you've already received, but just wanted to say, be gentle with yourself. You'll find your way, whatever it may be.
Pain and grief can turn us away from ourselves so easily, but it's tough when you know the person looking back at you from the mirror is not the RIGHT you, the REAL you. The skin feels strange, the behaviour artificial but inevitable. It can feel like forever, but have faith that you will do what is right for you when and how you need to do it.
One more thing - and this is for all of your posts not just this one. Thanks for saying what's in my heart much more eloquently than I ever could. It helps to know there are so many of us out there.
Posted by: ink | March 21, 2006 at 09:18 PM
I know I am late chiming in on this -- I meant to comment last week but didn't finish my thought --
You have had a boatload of change the last few months. When I am faced with so much change (especially when it is not all voluntary) in one part of my life, it is hard to make other big changes until I've processed the first ones (if that makes sense at all). I can totally understand the urge to just sit on the sofa and watch TV -- your brain/heart can only handle so much.
I'm sure you will make the changes when you are ready. If nothing else, the feeling of dissatisfaction with your current existence will probably eventually outweigh your apprehension over an additional big change (that was completely inarticulate but hopefully you got the gist). (Or maybe not, and you'll decide you're actually happy with your current existence after all, but that doesn't sound like where you are headed to me.)
You really are soldiering on amazingly well. I hope you get to a new, more satisfying place soon.
Posted by: Carla Hinkle | March 23, 2006 at 11:05 PM