How we met

When people ask me how E. and I met, I have two stock replies: the first is that we met in a bar, which is more or less true. The second is that we saved each other lives while fleeing from a pack of ravenous wild boar which had escaped from the zoo, maraudering through the sleepy village of Aucterfachtermachter. In either case, the answer is designed to evade the full truth- which is that in fact, we met online. I don't know why I should be coy about it; all the best people meet that way nowadays. I mean, you're here, aren't you? Exactly.

But for some reason, meeting online is regarded in certain circles here as sort of...odd. So most of the time, we basically skim over that reality and offer up a streamlined version. Because after all, we really did meet in 'real life' for the first time in a bar. A nugget of honesty there, enough to keep flinging out the version with a straight face.

I've realised though, in thinking about our relationship, that I'm doing us a disservice by not telling the real story. So the other day, I went back to the very beginning. I've been holding on to my former dinosaur of a computer for the sole reason that I haven't ever gotten around to transferring those first email exchanges between us into another format. Looking through the files was like sifting through a box of love letters. He said...then I said back...then he told me about...and then I sent him...then he replied....

I remember clearly the first time I talked to him on the phone. We had been emailing back and forth for awhile, until finally emboldened, he offered up his number. It was early summer, and I sat on the floor of the bedroom in my lovely old flat with the endless Scottish evening pouring in over my shoulder. We talked for over three hours. I don't recall much of what we said, but I recollect clearly tracing the coil of the blue braided rug with my feet over the space of those hours. Around and around, over and over, while listening to his beautiful voice.

By the time we hung up, we had agreed to talk again, to meet. A week later I walked into the bar and he stood up. I had never believed in love at first sight until then. It was like being hit by lightening. He bought me a drink, which I gulped way too quickly. He had stacked the change in a neat pile on the table, toying with the spare pence while we talked. I noticed he had spilled a tiny bit of toothpaste on his blue shirt, near the collar. The first time he touched me was when he took my wrist so he could look at the time on my watch; we laughed when I pointed out the clock just above my head.

I had trouble sleeping for most of that summer. So astounded was I at my luck in meeting him, this amazing person, my heart folding with so much hope that I would wake in the night and be unable to get back to sleep. I found myself taking extra care when crossing the street, cautious that this new, tremulous joy not be ripped away by a careless step.

Sometimes when I think about our history, I believe that the lightening bolt was not entirely a good thing. I was so certain that this was what I wanted, you see. For the first time in my entire life, I was in absolutely love with somebody who seemed to love me back. But I realise now that this certainty was a gift I couldn't keep. That life was always going to intervene at some point. Life with these hard choices, hard decisions, and hard losses. And yet even now I can't decide how best to move forward or move on.

Which is why I sit here. Sifting through old love letters. Remembering what was. Telling the truth.

Comments

[Anna H.]

Mare, I love you.

[Molly]

Beautiful, and sad. The story was so touching.

[Mellie]

Mare, honey. I just want to give you a big hug and share a bottle of red wine.

[C]

Powerful.
The truth matters and has resonance. And gives sustenance.
Thanks for letting us know this.

[Jenn]

I wonder why meeting online does have such a stigma. My father met his wife online. I met my husband online too. And now I believe in love at first sight too.

*hugs*

[jc]

Hub and I met in a bar. We used to try to think of other stories because people thought meeting in a bar was trashy. Probably didn't help that we followed the How We Met story with the Las Vegas Wedding story. What is considered an acceptable way to meet these days?

I so hope that life intervenes again to give back your joy.

[Sara in London]

Delurking for the first time in a long time (though I've been here hanging on your every word) cos on top of countless other things that you & I appear to have lived in parallel, D & I also met online (no-one knows) and we have 2 huge packing boxes in our attic stuffed with thousands of emails that trace our story from the very beginning. (We call them the Tofu Files.) One day we'll read through all over again and put them somewhere for our children to find them after we're gone so they can be bowled over by the passion. (Cos we will have some kids goddammit - first home visit on the road to adoption on 6th April)
Hang in there Mare - I hope you work your way through to contentment...

[-Blue]

Ahh ... this post made me misty. Evil Genius Husband and I also met online and I also have hoarded those early emails, specifically the first one.

When I look back at how far we've come in 5 years ... well, I'm just stunned every time.

Hold fast, Mare. It will all have been for something.

-Blue

[map]

I'm so sorry that you have to struggle with this pain and sorrow....

[patricia]

I think that such crazy attraction is both a positive and a negative. There is nothing more scintillating, and yet it cannot be sustained. Real life does creep in, and relationships are hard.

I will say that the fact that you have those memories is a positive overall. I know too many people that look back and say "I never felt that way about him/her." And that is sad indeed.

I wouldn't say that my romance with my husband was the MOST electrical of all my romances, but I remember spending all day in bed with him, and being in awe of his wonderfulness. And on the bad days, it is fortunate that I have those memories.

[ink]

It can be painful to remember those times, those feelings, the sheer purity and intensity of that love once the harsh claws of disappointment, frustration, guilt and anger have had their way with it.

Looking back isn't a bad thing as long as it doesn't hold you back. Easy to say, of course, and not so easy to do. I'm struggling with many of the same issues you are right now, Mare, and I don't know how things will turn out either. I'm too scared to move forward and too angry and hurt to move back.

I really like what "C" said though: "The truth matters and has resonance. And gives sustenance." Worth remembering, that.

[fisher queen]

I am sorry you are struggling with all of this now. None of it can be easy.

[DD]

How many people meet like in the movies (in Paris during a rainstorm; in an art gallery sketching from the same painting; blah, blah, blah)?

I'm sorry that going through the past which brings pain to where you find yourself now.

[Truly Tested]

I have to say, I think your story is extremely romantic. And how lucky you were that when you met in "real" life, that the attraction was there. I know others who thought they had found the loves of their lives only to meet in person and then know immediately that it could never work. Such intense attraction can be tricky though. Some have said that when you find this, run as fast as you can! (away). But I guess there are no hard and fast rules. In any case, thank you for sharing your story and good for you for coming "clean" about it with others. There's no shame...shame, that awful emotion that I feel over this whole IF business, shame that I can't seem to/can't wait to shake.

[Jill]

Sometimes you have to look back before you are ready to move forward. I don't know what your future entails, but I hope it is all clear to you soon.

[Schnozz]

I feel your pain, Mare. Well, not the "huge aching what-the-hell-do-I-do-now" part (though you have my sympathy and I check back here often in hopes that things have improved). But I feel your pain on the "How do I explain how we met?" part. My mother set me up with my husband. She was his barber, had known him since he was little, and decided I would like him, so she gave him my number. And I did like him, obviously ... but how weird and generally uncool is that? My mom had to go find me a spouse!

[katie]

Our story is very similar - except we tell people we met through friends - which is kind of true, except they are online friends and we had dinner together the evening we met in person, before going to the pub to meet our online friends.

But Mr Spouse says he doesn't remember the wild boar...

[Sami]

Mare - how you met isn't nearly as important as that you met.

Technically me and DH met when in high school - however I don't remember him. He remembers me and there is a picture to prove we met. Anyways... when we remet we met online through a mutual friend. I saved the emails too and every now and again get them out and cry and say wow that was really sweet. I had the lightning as well... for me it's worked out - okay almost totally...

I hope that whatever is going on with you and E that you are able to make a decision that is in your best interest. As one of your other commenters said... I hope you find contentment wherever and however you get there isn't as important asa getting theree. Know we're rooting for you!

[flossie]

I follow a lot of blogs, but yours especially touches me because of the place you're in: not knowing how to move forward, not able to move back. Ugh. Being in a place like that was probably the low point of my life, but I want to say it does get better, once decisions are made. It probably doesn't feel like it will, but it does, really.

[InSpring]

Finding love, whether or not it's perfect or lasts, is so rare and precious, I hope you two can find a way to make it work.

[Pamplemousse]

Hang in there, sweetie.

[Diana]

This is beautifully written, Mare. I have nothing insightful to say about your relationship with E.--anyone who could write about her relationship like this already has all the insight necessary.

[Simone]

I know that telling the truth is sometimes harder than telling lies. Especially when the truth can hurt so much.
Thanks for sharing. Hope you find your feet soon Mare.

[Meg]

...writing it down lovely = first step here to remembering with him...

[Juliet]

I’ve been pondering this post for ages.

My last relationship was the ‘lightning bolt’ one. And the certainty I felt at the beginning made me battle away at it at the end. So was the lightning bolt a good thing? Well, leaving on one side that it was an amazing experience in itself (better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, and all that) I’m thinking here of how it affected my life directly. Well, as I finished with my ex anyway, I could say that the lightning bolt was a menace that stopped me dumping him for over a year and caused a miserable 12 months. But what if I look at it another way? What if I had stuck to the certainty of the lightning bolt for just a little longer, had that tad more faith, tried for that extra week, then maybe everything would have turned out hunky-dory. Maybe I gave up one deal too soon? If I’d held on, I would now be extolling the virtues of the lightning bolt, and talking about how it kept us together during the bad times and led us back to happiness…

My point being, Mare, is that we never know what’s best for us. We never have certainty in life, because we never get to see what would have happened if we’d taken the other path. And in fact, even when we feel certain something is right, it might be holding us back from something even better. So life’s sh*t, right? Maybe. But the one certainty your post made me realise I believe in, is that stagnation is bad and change is good. So even if I should have stuck it out with my ex, something had to change in the relationship and I’d just exhausted all of my efforts at knowing what. What I’m trying to say is, if you’re unhappy, and you don’t know how to move forward, maybe you should just keep trying different things, or thinking about things in new ways. Slight moves (or different thoughts), will put you in a new place where things might seem far clearer. And maybe you're already doing that by looking back over the emails...

But maybe this is of no help at all. Though I wish it could be - because I love your post for the way it always inspires me to think about my own life and what I want to do with it. So thanks.

Juliet

[JennaM]

The way you describe the way you met E. is so vivid and sweet, I hope that whatever happens you manage to hang on to those memories. They are so authentic and they still matter a great deal, especially when you read those emails and remember the subtle details so fondly. Best of everything, Mare.

(BTW: I just watched "Elizabethtown" and there is a great first long phone conversation you might want to take in...)

[thalia]

It's a great story. I met mine through an introduction agency. When people ask how we met, they always look a bit embarassed when we tell them. We're not embarassed by it, but they seem to be. So I reckon it's nothing to do with how you met, it's THAT you met. Regardless of how this turns out, you will always have that memory of passion, that amazing intensity. I hope it works out well.

[sarah]

oh Mare, you make my heart bleed. I've got to risk giving you advice, delurking after many months. I'm sorry if it's misplaced, truly. Reading your last several posts, I can feel the indecision and the powerlessness and the hope that remains anyway and keeps you there. And I remember being in a very similar place. But maybe you know in your heart, like I did, that the longer you stay, the more powerless and blocked you will feel, because you cannot control his side of the relationship. I want to tell you how sweet freeing yourself of all this can feel, and how quickly you'll remember your old courage and regain your ability to act. In my case, regaining myself ironically turned out to be the only true hope for beginning again with my man. What I learned in taking that leap was that, in any case, it was worth the risk.
It might be that you would be able to see more clearly then how important children are to you. If they are important, one bad cycle with what sounds like a less than superior clinic doesn't have to be the end of the story.
I do believe that none of us can really know what is going on in another couple's relationship, and I'm not at all saying he's not worth the effort. For me, there was a time when I ran out of ways to try. And that was the worst place. Acknowledging it, and moving on, though I was terrified of it, was not as painful as staying and hoping.

[Melissa]

I just wanted to say that this is a beautiful story. I am new to your blog but you are a excellent writer. M