The deer path

I've had a couple of interesting emails since that last post, including one which I have been mulling over for some days. The kind writer gently questioned: was I sure, perhaps in light of the feelings I was expressing, that I was on the right path?

To digress for a second- I took some creative writing classes in college, which I loved, although my efforts hardly met with what I would call critical acclaim. For one assignment, I wrote a short story about a girl who drives up to Maine whereupon she ponders the sunset for a bit before drowning herself in the lake.  Cheery, huh?  Apart from those plot points, I don't remember much about it: though I am sure it was full of overwrought and cringeworthy metaphor. 

My instructor tactfully suggested that suicide is a tricky topic- even more so when condensed into a short story.  She sent me away to read Anna Karenina, a rather humbling demonstration that the dark complexities of killing oneself are perhaps better portrayed in novel form.  "More room to move around," is how she put it. And, after traveling with Anna over those many hundreds of pages, to the last steps of the station platform with the train approaching, I realised my instructor was right.

I've always thought (and I believe I have said on several occasions) that writing about infertility is much the same; it's complicated, it's intricate, it's emotionally charged and it doesn't always work well as short sound-byte post chunks. The problem is, it also doesn't really lend itself to long, novel-sized entries either. So, falling between those two barstools as it does, it's often very difficult to express things in a way that is both true and coherent.

This is a very long-winded way of saying that I don't know if I can articulate an answer to the question (that being, am I sure I am on the right path?) in one post, or even ten posts. Because the next time I sit down to write it, the whole landscape may have changed again, and back we are to square one in the telling.

Anyway- since I was asked, I'll try to sum up the current state of play as best I can.  My feeling on it is that I am not sure about anything. I'm not even sure there is a path, or at least not one readily identifiable as such. Have you ever been walking in the woods, and ended up diverging from the main trail, following what looks like a path but is in fact just the route the deer take from time to time? It's a kind of half-trail- not overgrown, obscuring thickets, but then not a clear blaze either.  More like a shallow groove through the forest, with no obvious markings or end points.  At any stage, you might find you are hopelessly lost, or else you will discover you have converged back onto the original trail, near the place you started.

It's like that.  I haven't made any firm decisions about anything. I haven't given up totally on the idea of doing further treatment, but at the same time, I'm not sure I want to do it, or at least not right now. And that doesn't even have anything to do with E.  Things are a lot better between us, and if I said I wanted to, I think E. would do another IVF cycle with me.  But I hesitate- for reasons for that are complicated, messy and changeable. 

I am absolutely clear that one of the consequences of delaying taking further action is that I may never have a biological child.  But I am also absolutely clear that if I choose not to do IVF again, I do not forego my right to grieve the fact that I may never have children.  Does that make sense?  I think sometimes there is this unspoken expectation that you're not allowed to bitch and moan about something unless you've at least tried your very best to make it happen. That because there will always be this lurking uncertainty of "would it work if we did it even just one more time", I should either get on with doing it, or shut up about feeling bad about it.  I think the fact that there is so much medical treatment readily available can make it very hard for infertiles to feel comfortable with the choice of stopping; especially stopping at a relatively early stage. My view on it is that just because I may have another ticket for the next rollercoaster ride doesn't automatically mean I should be buckling my seatbelt.

Anyway.  My point is: I realise that in failing to make a firm decision one way or another, I am in fact making a decision of sorts. But for now, even if at times a clearer line through the trees looks very inviting, the deer path just feels right for me. 

Comments

[Leggy]

Boy do I get this. For a variety of complicated reasons, some medical and some emotional, we've only done 3 IVFs in the last 3 years. For the first time ever, I have embryos for an FET, but I just can't do it right now and not sure if I even want to. I feel better about moving forward now, but for months the thought of doing another cycle just made my stomach turn.
Good luck to you as you work through all this- its hard to process it all.

[Katie]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. We are almost certainly not going to do IVF, as although we find it hard to get pregnant, it is not impossible - it just seems impossible to sustain a pregnancy. But I know friends and relatives will wonder why we are going for adoption, if that's what we decide - "you can get pregnant so why would you settle for second best? we're sure you will have a baby of your 'own'" - and if we do, and I'm still sad, will be even less comprehending.

[Alli]

So very well said. Thanks for expressing it better than I could! It's so tricky anyway, and with hormones raging through you much of the time, it's even harder to make a rational decision.

[Krista]

What a very good expression of how a lot of us feel at various times in varying degrees. I think you hit the nail on the head and I hope that the dear path leads you to a destination that is exactly where you want to be.

[Kay]

I sat for hours yesterday trying to write a post that expressed this as eloquently as you have done. Good for you for continuing to follow your heart, and I'm glad things are better with E.

[Maya]

Several posts ago on my blog, I wrote about trusting the journey. Who in the heck knows where we will end up or how we'll get there. Sometimes it is smarter to cut your losses and move on because the tremendous amount of work and angst will not get you any closer to the goal. Then other times, if you just try one more time, whoop there is the prize. So who truly knows? My feeling is if you feel that you are supposed to one the deer path. Enjoy every minute. You never know what is going to happen in life. Truly, there have been women who have gotten pregnant a year after they started menopause. It seems to me that there are truly very few rules in life and we just have to do our best to stay sane at every given moment.
Thanks for the post. It was very well said.

[Donna]

I was shocked (but shouldn't have been) when people told us we couldn't stop yet because we hadn't even done one IVF. Although the journey might look very similar from the outside, it's actually very personal and the minute twists and turns of the path can only be seen by the person walking it. If you feel right about where you are, that's probably where you are supposed to be.

[Pamplemousse]

It always makes me feel calmer and more zen about tricky decisions when I just think that I do not have to make a decision right then and there. Unless I am actually standing right on the very edge of the cliff, I can choose to do nothing.

Obviously some mundane day-to-day decisions do not conform to this rule eg. the decision whether to pay the bus driver or not may lead to some complications.

Big life decisions though are worth more thought than a latte or an espresso. Some people might call that procrastination but whatever floats your boat, right?

[Alex]

This is exactly right, and thank you for speaking up and saying so.

I am in a somewhat similar place to you, and in talking with my RE about whether it did/didn't make sense to cycle one more time, he told me he'd be willing (sigh) to let me cycle once more, but only if I could promise it would be the last time no matter what.

Although not obvious from this detail of my interaction with him, he is a caring, thoughtful man who is doing his best to provide appropriate treatment to IFers, and also to avoid providing inappropriate treatment.

However thoughtful he may be, though -- and I do mean that literally, he is full of thought (as well as caring) -- he appears not to be able to get his head around the idea that it is literally impossible for me to do what he asks. And that even if it were possible at this moment in time, there would be no guarantee that I wouldn't in the future change my mind.

I am so thankful that the internet allows me to find people like you, who do get it.

You take care of yourself, and please know that you have friends in the computer who understand.

I don't post much but I do read your blog regularly. And I, too, am glad to hear things with E are better.

[Michelle]

Yes! You have explained exactly how I feel. My husband and I tried for four years with only minor IF procedures(IUI's) before moving on to adoption. So now even though we are going to have a child, I am still mourning the loss of pregnancy and having a biological child. My friends who are undergoing infertility don't understand because we did try very hard. My feinds who haven't been through IF don't understand either, because I AM having a child, so why should I mourn? It's a complicated thing, infertility. Anyway, thanks for always writing so eloquently things that are rolling around inside my head.

[Anna]

Thank you for another beautiful post. My beloved and I have been trying to get me knocked up for about 18 months, so we are still toddlers on the IF road, but far enough along for glimmers of 'what if this just doesn't happen for us?' to be appearing here and there.

We have, though, made the decision that there will be no IUI/IVF for us, even though I feel as though I was made for motherhood. The risks are too great, and the outcomes too uncertain. We will go straight to adoption, should that be necessary. As a PP said, that doesn't mean I won't grieve for my never-were biological children, although I can see why people would think we hadn't worked hard enough for them.

I'm so glad things are happier for you and E.

[thalia]

First, I'm very happy that things are better with E. That, surely, was the point of this part of the deer path?

Second, everyone has the right to step off the beaten path at any point. You don't lose the right to mourn. You make the decision that is right for you - apropos Tertia's famous post about when you know it's time to stop trying. That decision is alien to me, at least where I am now, because for me it was worth trying anything, but that means nothing about what is right for you and E. A friend of mine knows that she will never do IVF. She won't even do testing to see if there's any reason she isn't conceiving. It just isn't right for her. That's fine too. I couldn't bear it, but I'm not her and I'm not you.

I'm glad you have a good sense of what is right for you.

[Heidi]

Infertility? Complicated?

AMEN, sister friend.

[Heidi]

ps...

"in my dreams, I slew the dragon"

Do you have any idea how much I love you for having that under your title?

Sorry, just had to add that.

[Schnozz]

I'm so glad things are better with E. I've kept wondering, but not wanting to ask ... the "what do I do now" themes of your posts weren't giving me any clues to work with! :)

[Becs]

I just wanted to say hello. I've popped in and out from time to time reading your beautiful words. Sometimes they make me weep because you express so eloquently what I could only clumsily say.

We've been treading the IF road for coming up to two years. Miscarriages, IVFs and IUIs have blighted our our life for what seems like eternity. Sometimes I want to move on, to say 'no more' I can't do this. To draw a line under it, to get off the roller coaster. I request information packs from adopting agencies one day, the next I'm booking an appointment for another round of IVF.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's OK not to be sure what to do, and to change your mind. It's a long, long process to find peace in whatever decision you eventually decide to take. But one day I am sure you will. You are a very brave lady and thank you for letting the rest of us IF ladies know we are not alone.

x

[Anna H.]

That rustling you hear in the grass? It's me on the trail just a few feet away from yours.

There's a certain amount of letting go when we take this path, isn't there? Not in the sense of giving up certain dreams, but there's peace in wandering without any particular course. After the turbulence of the past six months, you and I both need this time to ourselves to wander and breathe and just be.

But please remember that I'm close by if you need me; just call my name and I'll answer.

xxoo

[bj]

Hi Mare:

I'm not infertile, so can't say anything at all from personal experience (and anyway, my personal experience would be different from yours even if I had been infertile). I've thought for a while that one of the true burdens of infertility in the modern age would be the decision of when to stop. As you write here, is there an implication that stopping before all hope is exhausted makes your childlessness a "choice" and thus eliminates your right to grief. Of course, you shouldn't care what I think, but I certainly think that you have a right to your grief whatever treatment options you are willing to pursue.

bj

[Jen]

And that is just fine. I'm glad that other women are having the same issues as I am right now. Thank you for this post.

[Mellie]

Mare -
As always you write the truth.

I'm so glad to hear that you and E are in a much better place.

I wish all the best for you.

[patricia]

There is no right path, and, again, I understand completely.

[chris]

Sounds good. Sounds like you know what you can handle and I admire that.

[Allie]

Your creative writing classes paid off. I couldn't have said that better myself. I think that infertility can cloud everything, but you seem very clear in one respect... You know that whatever you feel, it's OK to feel it. I respect that you make no apologies. Bravo!

[Truly Tested]

"... I realise that in failing to make a firm decision one way or another, I am in fact making a decision of sorts."

Mare, all I can say is, good for you.

You are doing what feels right, at your speed, at your pace, at your comfort level.

You refuse to take on the potential future criticism from society that you somehow could have "brought this on yourself" and are thus to blame.

No, I don't believe that waiting if that is what feels right means that you are no longer entitled to your grief.

(of course the part of me that feels that I waited too long and now it's too late to have what I always wanted...this part of me wants to urge you to press on...but you surely know that there is this risk and you can only do what feels right for you.)

What a beautiful post. You capture so well the complexity that is IF...Thank you for allowing me (and others) to feel so well understood.

[Kell]

QUOTE: "I think the fact that there is so much medical treatment readily available can make it very hard for infertiles to feel comfortable with the choice of stopping; especially stopping at a relatively early stage."

YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!! THANKYOU Mare!!!!