Letting sleeping dogs lie

So, this long post which I was referring to earlier, the one I didn't have time to finish?  Meh.  Scrapped it.

In truth, it was not very interesting.  It was a long, vaguely disjointed rambling without any meaningful conclusions, and can effectively be summed up thusly:  I used to have a lot of time to spend mooching around online, researching stuff and talking to nice women about the shared crisis of infertility. Then about a year ago, we did IVF, it failed, and everything went completely pear-shaped with E. and I for awhile. When I emerged from the smoking wreckage, I discovered that suddenly my life was full of things other than the state of barren-ness which had hitherto preoccupied me. So much so that I had no time to deal with being infertile any more. Tra la la, the end.

There, that was it. You should be glad I spared you.

In fact, what I realised is that I was pretty much bullshitting myself with all this thrashing and complaining about being too busy to deal. OK, so rolling around on the floor tickling the puppy now seems to eat up the couple hours a day that I used to spend doing stuff like plucking my eyebrows or rearranging my back copies of Vogue magazine in chronological order. But the reality is, I'm not that busy- and even if I was, let's cut the crap. Fact is, people simply do find the time for things that motivate them.

I am not motivated by IVF. I am not motivated by the twinkling illusion that there might, just might, one day be a baby somewhere down the road. Sure, it bugs me we don't have a child, but if I really wanted to do something about it, then I would.  Evidently I do not. And I think it's not that the IVF in and of itself is all that much of an ordeal- it's just that everytime I reach up to the top shelf of the closet to look at the box in which I stored the whole particular problem, I find myself thinking: oh, yawn. I'd rather join the puppy in licking the paint off the walls than go there again. Who wants to stir up that hornet's nest of sadness, anger, frustration and pain again?  Nah. But what I haven't quite worked out yet is whether I'm just being a bit passive and lazy, or if there is something deeper sapping my will to even try.  I suspect a bit of both.

Better make up my mind soon, though. The waiting lists for treatment haven't gotten any shorter in this country, and I am not getting any younger. Tick fucking tock.

What I believe will invariably propel my ass into gear one day is that I can face up to the idea of not having kids because I wasn't able to get pregnant- what I don't think I can live with is the idea that the I was just too idle to even try.

Comments

[Lut C.]

Interesting. No really.

I refuse to get a pet, because if I can't have a child, I want to live fancy-free. No walking of dogs, no cleaning of litter-boxes, no cleaning of fish bowls.

[Leggy]

We are in different places, different circumstances, but I can identify with this post. My anger is what fuels me to keep at it, and as I'm trying to work through my anger issues (hence the PP blog), I wonder if I'll be able to summon the energy to keep slogging through this crap. Because its wearing, and tiring, and it sucks a** and its just so hard to keep doing it. So I have to wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot by trying to resolve my anger before I finish with IF, because what if I'm not angry anymore and that takes the wind out of my sails and then I have no energy left to keep doing this?

[Ellen K.]

D. and I have been talking a lot lately about being childless after our last treatment. I do wonder whether it is laziness on my part... I have a tendency to be indecisive & postpone decisions rather than coming to full terms with them. But at the same time, I will bear the brunt of the treatments, and pregnancy, should it ensue, and parenting (as a stay-at-home mom). So I definitely do feel I have more than a half-say in this.

[JennaM]

Yep. I've had this quandary, too. I didn't fight too hard to find a clinic who would do IVF with me (or even additional IUIs)... my FSH has sucked since I was 30, and I was a "very poor responder" to all the heavy stuff. But still. I could have found someone who would have let me bang my head against the wall until I was at least 35... Ambivalence is a sign of intelligence (at least that's what my therapist told me when I called myself lazy and indecisive). It means you can see many options. (Yeah, I know, cold comfort, that, but we have to start somewhere). Personally, I've never thought TIME (or lack thereof) was a good reason for making decisions. That doesn't make you lazy at all. If you were lazy, you'd just pick something and stop all this handwringing and self-flagellation (which is exhausting!). Anyway, I think you're doing lots right now, even if most of it is internal. I say lick paint off the walls.
xoxo
JennaM

[Annie]

Um, if I may be permitted a tiny bit of assvice ... whenever I find myself suddenly "not wanting" to attempt something that in the past I have wanted very much indeed -- but have failed at -- I find it is not so much laziness, as depression and fear. My depression is manifested as "What the f*ck, who cares anyway," and the fear just completes the job of keeping me from attempting said activity.

You *could* go ahead and put your name on the waiting lists. Then, should they call you and you still feel this way, just tell 'em you're not interested.

BTW, I'm delighted that you have such a delightful pup to tickle. :)

[Simone]

Why is this pursuit so hard to chase down? I have one frozen embryo left and each month I ask my husband "Should we do an FET this month...or wait one more?"
What am I thinking? Is it laziness or fear of disappointment, losing that last chance?
Tickling dogs is so much more thrilling.

Lovely post mare.

[Jody M]

Morning,
This is my first time to Infertility Blogland. Whoa, so many of us. Kudos to you, Mare, I love the way you write. Nice way of expressing yourself, I can relate to so much of what you're saying. Keep it up and enjoy your puppy, they grow up fast. My guy Shy is 6 already. Speaking of...time to take him out for a run...toodles and thanks for sharing.
Jody M

[Truly Tested]

It's hard not to be ambivalent about this. As you said, who wants to sign up for more heartache and disappointment? It's a tough dilemma, because on the one hand one wants to be out in the world living, being social, having fun, pursuing one's interests, and on the other hand, I for one feel as if I'm squandering time that could be spent on the IF journey, pleasant or not.

In my case, what makes me ambivalent is that it's no longer on my terms...and since it's not on my terms, I'm just not sure I still want it the same way.