Me pardonner, je suis sur le point de vomir

Byyyyeeeerrrrrack. Glllluuuuuuaaargggh. Spppewwwwarrppp.

Welcome to the soundtrack of the House of Mare.  It is like a vomit-fest around here.

The puppy picked up what the vet thought was "some sort of bug" and in between lying in his little bed looking small and pathetic, spent the day gakking up unspeakable yellow goo and bile. Then there is me. The urge to puke every five seconds is becoming increasingly overwhelming (as is the actual act of puking itself); followed closely by the sensation of being so hungry I could gnaw off my own hand. Before wanting to vomit again. For a few days there, the eating actually helped stave off the puking, only that seems to now not be working so well, which means I think it is time to start seeking out other remedies.  Together with the feelings of exhaustion akin to having been run over by a truck, this has put a little crimp in my usual festive mojo.   

I'm taking all of this as a relatively good sign, but it is knocking the wind out of my sails a little bit. I realised this morning as I lay half dressed and consumed with nausea, with the puppy draped across my lower legs like a kind of floppy, furry hot water bottle, how really very unprepared I am for what is happening. Of course I appreciate that women unexpectedly become pregnant all the time and are taken by surprise by how they feel. I also know that even if a pregnancy is planned, the experience can be not quite what was bargained for. But I'm someone who generally likes to have some insight into what is coming, to have at least some idea of what to expect. I like to do research, I like to plan, I like to have things lined up as much as possible and as far in advance as can be.

And that's where I feel as if the whole siege of infertility has done me another disservice in that I had become so convinced that conception would never, ever happen that I completely failed to even contemplate what it would be like when it did. It frankly hurt too much to look at pregnancy sites or even read pregnancy blogs in any detail; it was as if everything was screaming out that this information was irrelevant to me, and why was I wasting my time? Consequently I now feel as if I am suddenly playing a major game of catch-up, both emotionally and in terms of having the necessary knowledge in the armoury to survive what is coming. I feel like I have headed into a foreign country, where I don't quite speak the language and have no guide book.  And I want to barf all over my tour guide.

I am also left with a huge wariness of getting too far ahead of myself. Like when I went to the doctors last week and saw Dr YoungClueless (my usual GP being on holiday). He handed me a brightly colored book entitled "Ready!Steady!Baby"! and started prattling on about series of appointments over the coming weeks. And part of me wanted to just cover my ears, shouting "lalalalalala".

His merrily presuming that there would actually be, say, a week 16 somehow seemed sort of wretchedly taboo. All I want to do is take this one day at a time. However, in some ways I have no choice but to get to grips with what may lie ahead- for example, due to the limited availability of service ( and the total lack of option of having it done on the NHS), I need to get on with making an advance booking for a private nuchal screening to take place around week 12. But I found I had a huge mental block in doing it; it just seemed like such a preposterous assumption to make- and yet, one that must be made. 

Anyway, I think that's enough navel-gazing for now; it takes up valuable puke-suppression energy.

As far as updates go, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you for a bit, as we are off this coming week to France. It may amuse you to hear that we are heading over by ferry.  The very thought of getting on a ship inspires a dreadful metallic tang at the back of my throat- but the trip has been booked for quite some time and for various reasons, we really do have to go over. But I promise I'll post something again as soon as I can. 

In the meantime, best wishes to everyone for a happy 2007--with all good, better, best things coming your way.

Comments

[Nicky]

If you are a control freak like me and can stretch to it financially I recommend paying for a private dating/reassurance scan prior to 12 weeks say even 8 or 9 weeks (around 60-100 quid). From this you can have a manageable reassuring target to look forward to, as well as using it as a springboard to booking your nuchal at 12 weeks. In my experience the NHS leave you pretty much on your own for the first 12 weeks which can be stressful at the best of times. Take it easy in France - pace yourself and snooze/stop when you need to. Hope woofer feels better soon!

[Katy]

Oh my goodness, I've only just checked in and wanted to say wowowowowowowow! Ignore everyone who suggests ginger biscuits for the sickness, in fact, punch them in the face from me. Best of luck with the NHS, the are as tight as a ducks bum with the scans so get booking a lovely private one.

[Alex]

I can totally relate, though mine wasn't a peestick PG but came after my 4th IVF -- but I think it's safe to guess both were probably about equally unexpected. And yes, I didn't allow myself to do much of anything, certainly not read more than one week ahead in a pregnancy book for example, actually, now at 30 weeks I still don't, much. But like you, I did have to schedule doctor's appointments and now, have even signed up for a childbirth class and, gasp, read a few books about the process.

Just trying to say I think what you're feeling (and I don't mean the nausea, though that too) is totally normal after infertility, unfortunately. And good luck with the 'morning' sickness; I more or less lucked out on that so am not much help but hope you can find an approach that eases your symptoms.

[DebbieS]

Oh man, I want to hurl just thinking about you being on a ferry in your condition! If you are reading this before your trip, the acupressure points for nausea are on the inside of your forearm between elbow and wrist. A massage on those tendons with the knuckles of the other hand helps a bit, as does cool water over your wrists. And for goodness' sake, don't even think of hiding any of your discomfort from E., this is worth a lot of brownie points later on ;) I've always hated barfing more than anything and one of the tips I came up with while pregnant (I'm the one who found out at her IF consult, too) was not to brush my teeth first thing in the morning. And to try and pee before throwing up if possible. It's funny now, but at the time an upset stomach and full bladder competing for the Throne was not amusing.

Hang in there!! Have a good time!!!

[Katie]

I know that not many places do the nuchal scans, but you should be able to get the earlier (maybe even 7 weeks) dating/reassurance scan done at a private hospital fairly close to home - that was our plan for no 3 (I just looked up "hospitals" in the yellow pages and found a BUPA one I think) except that first the gynae came through with an NHS appointment and then I lost it at 5 weeks anyway.

[seepi]

Another lurker coming out!
Congratualtions.
And take care of yourself. If this had been an IVF pregnancy they'd be telling you to rest a lot, not lift things and drink heaps of water. So make sure you take it easy.
Good luck on the ferry and Happy New Year!

[Brooklyn Girl]

I have been the same way with regards to pregnancy and parenting: somehow reading the What to Expect books seemed like too much of a statement of intent than infertility would allow me to make.

Wishing you a pleasant journey to France and beyond.

[Jill]

I'm sorry about the puking. Morning sickness seems such an inadequate name for it. I hope you find something that helps you feel better before your trip.

[Jen]

Bon voyage, and I hope the puking lets up enough to let you enjoy your trip, but not so much that you worry.

The puking IS a good sign, and don't expect yourself to embrace pregnancy for a few good weeks yet. It's perfectly normal to feel like a fraud now.

[Megan]

I'm a lurker :).. just popped out to say CONGRATS- i hope all goes well for you !! I'll be thinking of you, and sending you lots of sticky vibes xx

[cass]

So so normal. I found some of the pregnancy websites to be a good way to get info without committment - there was no book on the shelf taunting me or anything. It was like glancing at the info out of the corner of my eye.

I found lemon drops (and lime popcycles, but they're much less portable on a ferry) to help take the edge off the queasiness. The best ones were those lemon drops that come in the little metal tin.

Ugh. I didn't mean for that to turn into assvice. Obviously, disregard as desired.

[artsweet]

I don't have much in the way of ass or advice, just wanted to poke my head out of the woodwork and say a cautious congrats... hoping the next eight months fly by smoothly and swiftly!

[Amyesq]

A ferry to France? Oh dear. The thought even makes ME nauseous. I will cross my fingers that you enjoy this week as much as you can. I don't do well with nausea so I admire you for hanging in there. Hopefully it will not last too much longer!

[Nico]

J'aime beaucoup votre francais! I hope you enjoy what you can of your trip. Ou est le WC, s'il vous plait? may become one of your most used phrases.

[Kristin]

Peppermint was the wonder cure for my morning sickness. Happy New Year Mare.

[Krista]

OH MY GOD! I was gone over Christmas and just learned of your news. The biggest of congrats to you. Can't wait to hear if you are feeling better.

[Heather]

How I wish I had some words of wisdom for you regarding the morning sickness, but I've just finished fighting it for over 15 weeks the second time around, and still I've found nothing. Two bright sides though -- one, it does get better in time, and two, after a while, it gets to be kind of funny. For me it did, anyway. But maybe I just have a perverse sense of humor?

[Menita]

Total pre-ferry assvice: I second the lemon drops, and anything ginger worked wonders with me too. Hurry back!

[Al]

try some ginger things like ginger biscuts or Ginger tea from tesco's did wonders for my m/s. Ready steady baby book is pretty much dated and useless btw. One thing to check for is many areas only offer one u/s and don't do a 20 week anomally check at all lothians/edingburgh is the one that springs to mind first but there are others too. One last piece of assvice from me... If the sickness turns to actual vomiting go the the gp and get some pills... medicating is preferable to dehydration.

[Joanne]

New lurker here. I had to post as I am just coming out of a long period of "morning" sickness (lasted all day!) that started around 6 weeks and has only just started getting better the last week or so (I am currently at 16 weeks). So I feel your pain. I also, coincidentally had a sick little puppy in the early weeks. Awwwww, they are so very pathetic when they are ill.

Anyway, Seabands (accupressure for motion sickness) helped me a little and also just figuring out what I could eat at certain times of the day to keep my blood sugar regulated (usually protein went over best).

Sending good vibes your way.

[Carlynn]

Oh wow, I am just catching up on all my blogs and have read the good news. What wonderful happy news, congratulations!

[Jill]

I just checked in on your blog and am THRILLED to hear of your wonderful and unexpected news! Congratulations on your pregnancy, Mare! I'm sorry that you're feeling so sick, and hope that, despite the nausea, you are able to enjoy some aspects of your trip to France.

[jenn]

I was the same way! It seems to scary and presumptuous to read things about second or third trimester. So I bought one of those "week at a time" books where you just read a chapter a week. (There are problems with those books though. Imagine my surprise when I read the week 14 chapter and it warned me to stay away from street drugs! Damn! They should have told me earlier! Ha!)

Good luck on your travels, hope you have a wonderful time!

[Mellie]

I just checked in and am SO THRILLED AND AMAZED to hear your good news. Mazel Tov, Mare. May you have an easy go of it with the pregnancy and, as hard as it is to think about, a smiling, happy, healthy bundle of joy in about 9 months.

[Angela]

I am happy that things are going to well. Have you had any luck with dry crackers? For me cheesies worked best.