The flat selling saga finally resolved today after a series of twists too bizarre to go into. We ended up having to compromise on the price, but it's worth it, I think, to get it sold. Now I can move on and think about nesting in the new place.
I think I should probably clarify something I wrote in my last post, since the use of the word "casually" seems to have confused things somewhat. I was not for one minute intending to suggest anyone approaches a decision to terminate a pregnancy that way. Rather, I was responding to something which I picked up from an earlier comment. Initially, I decided I wasn't going to get into this, but I think it did get under my skin a little bit, and it later crept out.
The commenter expressed a view that he or she hoped I was doing the nuchal "just so I could be prepared to do the best for the baby from the very start, no matter what". And then followed that with a link to a newspaper article, the gist of which is how, due to prevailing attitudes nowadays, prenatal testing seems to ends up making your right to abort your disabled child more about a duty to abort, and why is it that society thinks that way.
Without going into that particular debate, I have to say the views expressed bothered me on a number of levels. Firstly, there is the use of the word "just", the very sound of it which makes my hackles rise. I think anyone who has tangled with infertility comes away with a pathological loathing of that word, and the way it tends to be thrown around with such maddeningly casual frequency. As in, just relax. Just do IVF. Just adopt. Just accept and be grateful for what you already have. Just so you can be prepared to do your best for the baby no matter what.
The thing that I so particularly hate about the word "just" is that in that sort of context, the speaker is- consciously or not- trying to reduce something- an experience, a conflict, a crisis- into a simplistic equation. To distill it down, to package it up into a neat box, to sweep it away. Problem eliminated, just like that, ta-da! Complication banished, why go on about it?
And for the person on the receiving end, who is invariably dealing with something confusing or painful or distressing or difficult; well, it's the verbal equivalent of a slap in the face. So for someone to suggest to me that I should be doing prenatal testing "just" for one reason and one reason alone was one more incident in the long "just" parade.
Secondly, while I think it inappropriate to pass judgment on anyone's decision to test or not to test, I find it even more outrageous to infer that testing is to identify the presence of Down's syndrome with the underlying aim of seeking a termination in those cases. Now, maybe statistically, in the majority of cases, that is in fact what happens. I don't know- I have no information about that. But in any event, I've never believed in signing up for the status quo. A statistic doesn't apply until you've actually gone through that situation. For the record, I had given it a lot of thought, and I had grave doubts as to whether I would even go for an amnio in the event of a bad result- because in my heart I did feel that while I was prepared to accept things (no matter what), I was not prepared to take any risk, however small, of losing this baby.
As it happens, I've luckily been spared some of that angst, since I got the call today. The blood work results having come in, the outcome is that we are low risk- so much so that I feel very comfortable about not doing any further invasive testing.
Now, I'm extremely grateful for that relative peace of mind. But I'm also sort of glad that the whole experience did make me question certain things and did cause me to ponder the possibility of difficult choices, some of which still may lie ahead. Because sometimes dicing with the scary painful stuff, even in your own mind and heart, does leave you better prepared for what lies ahead- far more so than "just" could ever imagine.
Delurking to say, I think doing non-invasive testing is a great idea because it could help one avoid unexpected invasive testing later. This happened to us. I am at about 22 weeks right now and we did the whole intgrated screening thing a while back. Got our results and they were good and we felt good. Then at our 20 week ultrasound we found out we have a single umbilical artery (SUA). This can occur with totally healthy babies and is usually fine but it can also be caused by a defect (heart/kidney or chromosomal). Had we not had the integrated screening to tell us things were fine on the chromosomal end, we might have seriously considered doing an amnio (which would scare me - although we have luckily not struggled with fertility issues, my first pregnancy did end in a miscarriage which was sad). Anyway, I am so very happy we did the integrated screening when we were able to so we do not have to consider an amnio and all the risks it may bring now.
Posted by: Joanne | February 12, 2007 at 07:55 PM
I wanted to jump on your "just" bandwagon. If only we could just wipe that word right out of the dictionary. Lovely, thoughtful post.
Posted by: May | February 12, 2007 at 08:12 PM
I am delurking to say how delighted I am for you. And whatever you decide to do on any front is "just" right - because it's your life (and your child - yahoo! even writing that gets me all atwitter).
Posted by: Rach | February 12, 2007 at 08:19 PM
I'm delighted it's low risk, with none of the attendant difficulties that the other outcome would have provided.
Posted by: thalya | February 12, 2007 at 09:41 PM
I'm delighted it's low risk, with none of the attendant difficulties that the other outcome would have provided.
Posted by: thalya | February 12, 2007 at 09:42 PM
I'm delighted it's low risk, with none of the attendant difficulties that the other outcome would have provided.
Posted by: thalya | February 12, 2007 at 09:42 PM
Glad about the low risk. Everyone has to do what they think is best for their family. I did do Amnio and found it to be very reassuring. For me the risks seems rather low but I can see someone not wanting to do it. I didn't do it so I could terminate if the results were not normal. I needed to know so that I could plan for a special needs baby if need be. If I did have a special needs baby then I wanted to do research, plan, understand my insurance, day-care, pediatricians..so many things I would need to do/know/understand (financially, emotionally, physically). Anyhow, that's why I did the amnio. No judgment on those who don't or those who have chosen not to continue a pregnancy.
Posted by: Amber | February 12, 2007 at 11:03 PM
I had an amnio with my second and a CVS with this one. I will be up front and state that yes, I would have terminated if any chromosome abnormalities were found.
The statistics show that no matter what people say they might do, over 90% who find out their babies have chromosomal abnormalities terminate the pregnancy.
The second was an amnio because we had a little trouble conceiving and I hadn't wanted any testing. When the afp came back with a significantly elevated risk, I needed the amnio to reassure me the baby was fine. I would have terminated at 16+ weeks if a problem was found. The thought of doing so after getting to know a kicking baby was why I had the CVS done at 11 weeks with this pregnancy. Thankfully everything is ok.
I wanted to offer a data point. I respect your choice either way and I can see how the risk of miscarriage with a normal baby might seem too high. I'm glad the results you have show a low risk.
Posted by: Anon | February 12, 2007 at 11:14 PM
It really aggrevates me when people say they won't do any testing because "they wouldn't do anything different." I may not choose to terminate a pregnancy but I would do things differently. I'd be able to research the condition, line up appropriate medical care, and deal with my feelings. There is no just anything when it come to any of this.
Posted by: Jenn | February 12, 2007 at 11:16 PM
Way to sing it! Certainly IF has taught us there are no "justs" when it comes to making important decisions.
And huge congratulations on the good results.
Posted by: Amyesq | February 13, 2007 at 12:26 AM
Preach it, sister!
And congrats on the low risk.
Posted by: isabel | February 13, 2007 at 05:54 AM
Also not a fan of the "just". I'm afraid it is true that the majority (~90%)of couples who know they are having baby with DS choose to terminate. In fact now most DS babies are born to younger women, not older women, because older women are offered screening, and besides, they have fewer babies (this is an area I cover in my undergrad classes).
I have a friend who at her 20 week scan discovered her baby had spina bifida. The first reaction on the part of the doctors was "we need to discuss your options". Meaning "we need to tell you how to do about having a termination". But immediately they made it crystal clear this was not happening the care plan for the baby was brought to the fore and termination was never mentioned again - including a planned induction so the baby could have an operation immediately he was born.
Posted by: katie | February 13, 2007 at 11:42 AM
Delurking... once again, you have shown your knack for naming one of the many devils of IF: the "JUST" phenomenon.
I too experienced whole new complicated views on testing (and subsequent decisions) after I eventually became pregnant. You just can't know until you are there how you yourself will feel. And you sure can't know what others will (or should) feel. Anyway, awfully happy to hear your news. Good luck in the coming months!
Posted by: susan | February 13, 2007 at 03:15 PM
Congrats on selling the house!
Congrats on the good test results!
I get your gripe with the use of the word 'just' in connection with difficult dilemmas.
Posted by: Lut C. | February 13, 2007 at 07:26 PM
I had a teacher in high school who pointed out that it is generally women who use "just" and more often than not when they're about to say something that may rock the boat. Or if they're about to suggest that their feelings are on the line.
It's terribly sad that we feel the need to preface our opinions with a word that immediately diminshes them.
But more to the point: WOOT on your results! Goooooo, Apocryphetus! On with organ development, you.
Posted by: Northwoods Baby | February 13, 2007 at 07:28 PM
Mare,
That post is a classic. Real elegance of thought and expression: you have put into words why the word 'just' has made me feel like spitting with rage many times over the years.
I am delighted about your test results - it's great news.
Re the whole testing debate, well, I think that even if we've been there, faced that, we have no right to judge what anyone else does. There is an added layer of awfulness in testing for those who have tangled with IVF, and every couple must come to the decision that is right for them.
Posted by: alchemilla | February 13, 2007 at 08:31 PM
De-lurking first to say Congratulations to you! I read your blog every few months and I was delighted today to leran of your pregnancy. I loved it when you said, " A statistic doesn't apply until you've actually gone through that situation." After suffering a miscarriage and being of "advanced maternal age", I decided to have CVS done during my last pregnancy. I, like you, had been forever resistant to the idea of amnios or any other invasive procedures. But, after what we had been through, we opted for the CV. And my doc said, "That makes sense. The satistics of having another problemed pregnancy is low...but the statistic are REAL to you". So, you as always, are right on the money and are definitely right to go with your never-failing instincts. Congrats again!!
Posted by: Sindee | February 13, 2007 at 09:00 PM
People can be asshats. Or people are asshats. Wouldn't it be nice if we could "just" ignore them?
Posted by: Sam | February 14, 2007 at 03:47 AM
sometimes i still can't believe the insensitive comments ppl make. unbelievable!
i am so happy for you... keep filling us in!
Posted by: camille | February 14, 2007 at 02:09 PM
I'm so happy about the low risk!
To add another 'testing story' to the stew: I have had amnios with all five of my pregnancies. I declined the quad screen entirely and only had the NT with this last babe. I made these choices - despite ten years of infertility - because 1) I was 37 when I had my first, 2) I was on Dilantin for a seizure disorder, and 3) I wanted, not to teminate, but be prepared for any eventuality.
Mothers should be confident in the choices they make for their children and not listen to what everyone else says. Like a pp said: people are asshats! If folks don't want to do amnios then they shouldn't be made to feel as if they are slighting their babies. If they choose to do amnios then they shouldn't be branded as automatic aborters.
Posted by: -Blue | February 14, 2007 at 05:54 PM
I was amazed at the violence of some comments I received on my blog when I went through CVS and a reduction (they were so heinous I deleted them). I believe people have choices and we should respect their choices, whatever they are. I would not recommend CVS because it is VERY invasive indeed, unless you definitely believe you need it. I loved your post!
Bonne chance with everything.
Posted by: marie-baguette | February 18, 2007 at 06:21 PM