Still here

All is well here, in the sense of no news is good news, but it does not make feel terribly bloggish. Now that it stays light a teeny bit later, E. and I have been making a concerted effort to take Little Guy out for a walk straight after work in the evenings, and by the time we get back, eat dinner, do the laundry and catch up on a few other chores, I find I am simply done in. I confess I am counting the days until I can stop working, which makes me feel vaguely unprofessional at times, but count I do.

Somebody said to me several weeks ago that one of the nicest things about being pregnant must be the great relief to know I'm not infertile after all. I've been thinking about this a lot since then. I suppose that, strictly speaking, it appears to be true, at least for the moment. But it's odd. It's odd to think that somehow getting pregnant can cancel out all the aggro and grief I felt during the years when we tried and tried and tried without success. During which we endured invasive testing and fertility treatment, without success or even answers as to what the problem might be. And even now, I have no idea why it suddenly happened. We didn't do anything "differently" from all the other times in the previous three years. We didn't have sex every day, I didn't lie with my feet up for an hour or stand on my head afterwards. I wasn't drinking pineapple juice or ingesting ground hen's teeth. I wasn't even particularly "relaxed"- on the contrary, I was feeling incredible harrassed and harried by various demands on my time.

When something finally, miraculously occurs, it's undeniably lovely- but it's also kind of scary. Because if you don't know why or how it happened- luck? timing? an unusual planetary alignment?- then it's hard not to believe that this is your one and only chance. That lightning can't strike twice, so if something goes awry, you're cast out of the kingdom forever, with no way back. And having finally seen your way clear to safety on the horizon, it's impossible to fathom how you might ever recover from that.

So no, "relieved" is not really the word I would choose. I feel greatly, vastly fortunate, but also hugely wary. Much of the time I feel like this happiness is on loan to me, rather than a permanent keepsake. But that's one of the life-changing aspects of infertility- there is less inclination to take anything for granted.

Anyway, we're off to a 40th birthday party this afternoon- a barbeque, of all things.  In Scotland. In March.  It's about minus 40 outside and raining. Cue another minor wardrobe crisis. None of my sweaters fit very well anymore, and all of E.'s are too baggy, but may be the only choice.  I am resigned to looking like a giant blob (but warm).    

Comments

[thalia]

Yup, I'm with you on the feeling fortunate rather than relieved. And bizarrely I feel utterly fortunate despite the fact it took three years to get here.

Enjoy the party, it's a sunny warm day here (with the potential for April showers a month early).

[Jenn]

I don't think pregnancy or even childbirth ever cancels out infertility. I call myself a recovering infertile.

[mm]

Once and infertile, always an infertile.

I was so weirded out by the "You're clearly not infertile! You didn't need all that intervention!" comments that I stopped telling people--even close friends and family-- that Little Limbo was conceived without IVF. As if it was any of their freaking business anyway.

Glad to hear you're doing so well!!

Oh and I'm going to a LUAU tonight. How's that for a seasonally inappropriate party theme?

[May]

Hey, delurking to say glad to see an update and that you're hanging in there.

I'm in Southern California. Shall I just keep my mouth shut about the weather here today? Yes, I believe I shall. Heh.

[Rachel Inbar]

I'm glad you are where you are today :-) and I understand exactly what you mean.

[laughing mommy]

So glad to hear that all is well!

I cried when I read this post. It is exactly how I felt after my 10+ years of infertility and then unexpected pregnancy. I felt like at any moment something could happen with the pregnancy and I would be thrust back into the only life I knew, the infertile life (and I didn't want to go back there!).

I also had a HUGE identity crisis. I defined myself in a variety of ways (good employee, good at my job, good wife, good daughter) but a huge part of my identity was "infertile girl" (a way I referred to myself, not a name anyone gave me-thankfully). When I found myself pregnant I didn't know quite what to do with myself... didn't know how to NOT be infertile anymore.

I rejoyced in my good fortune, but in the back of my mind I never forgot, even for one tiny second, that it could all disappear.

Now five years and two kids later, infertility is still a part of who I am. It doesn't make me unhappy anymore, but it certainly doesn't disappear just because I'm blessed with my two girls now.

What I'm trying to say, is that I totally get what you are trying to say, and my heart goes out to you.

[Lut C.]

No news is good news.

[Alex]

Personally I say once an infertile, always an infertile. I describe myself as a pregnant infertile and tell people it sounds like a contradiction in terms, but it's not. No one has (dared to?) challenge(d) me.

[another karen]

"When something finally, miraculously occurs, it's undeniably lovely- but it's also kind of scary. . . it's hard not to believe that this is your one and only chance. That lightening can't strike twice. . . . Much of the time I feel like this happiness is on loan to me, rather than a permanent keepsake. But that's one of the lifechanging aspects of infertility- there is less inclination to take anything for granted."

After
4 years;
3 losses;
2 specialists (who put our chances at "less than 3%") - and
1 unexpected, amazing surprise - holding her own at 19+ weeks

This is one of those posts that just makes you go

"Yeah - what SHE said......"

Thanks Mare. Thinking of you.

Karen

[4katnap]

We are what our life experiance makes us. You are infertile still. You didn't get pregnant in the "noramlly expected amount of time" so yeah you are infertile, being pregnant doesn't change that. You may go on to have as many as you want, or not.

I hope your feelings are normal, because I've had them too. Or maybe we are just nuts together....

[Mara]

I'm not infertile and I won't pretend to *understand how you feel*, but everything that you wrote makes perfect sense. Why would a pregnancy, or even a few pregnancies, suddenly undo the emotional effects of months or years of infertility?

You express yourself beautifully... I just wanted to let you know there's another random reader out here who's *thrilled* that you're having a baby. There's probably a lot more of us than you realize!

[LMM]

Oh wow - Ditto, ditto, ditto.

To copy Karen's format:
After 3 years
3 losses
6 failed IUIs
A crappy, crappy dose of methotrexate
I am holding my breath at 8.5 weeks pregnant.

See? So even when you feel you don't have much to write about, you really do. Thanks.

[Ersza]

I do not believe in "once an infertile, always an infertile." What's so great about that label that you have to hold onto it forever? This comes from a misplaced sense of loyalty to those who are still waiting, in my opinion. I have been trying to conceive my second child for six years now, with one miscarriage to show for it. I do not call myself "an infertile." In fact, this is considered to be a very insensitive use of language. Medical writers are now cautioned not to use the word "Diabetics" in print, but to refer to "people with diabetes." Your situation is what it is. You are pregnant. It is a fertile state. It will take you a while to heal from the losses you accumulated while trying to get pregnant (and even without miscarriage, there is loss), but you can do it. It's not an instantaneous process, and that's the mistake that those who say, "You were fertile all along" are making. They are not acknowledging your need to finish grieving, and it can be a process that is independent of and discontinuous with becoming a mother. It can also be a process that is resolved by becoming a mother. I think it depends on the person, on how you resolved the infertility, and to an extent how hard you are holding onto the pain.

Also, please don't believe this is your only chance. That's how I felt when I had my last miscarriage, and I can see now that it caused me excessive pain to hold that belief. Life is full of experiences--many chances, many turns in the road. Nothing is ever our "only." What you have now is a good thing. Enjoy it.

[Tracy]

"Infertile" does not mean sterile. Since it took you more than a year to conceive, you are medically still infertile. Now, whether you feel that way emotionally is up to you. But to have all those failed cycles behind you only to have someone say "Oooh, look, you've been fertile all along!" is ridiculous.

[dawn]

Don't forget - you ARE infertile. "Infertile" does not mean incapable of getting pregnant or having children. By definition, being infertile means that you tried to get pregnant for 12 straight months with no success. If a person were to get pregnant the 13th month the "normal" way they still would be considered infertile. Those of us that have succeeded in getting pregnant and having a child (or, for that matter, having a child by ANY means) are "survivors" of our infertility. But as far as I am concerned, child or not, my infertility is something that will stay with me the rest of my life. At this point, it significantly defines who I have become as a woman.

[Elle]

Totally agree with those above who commented on people's confusion of "infertile" with "sterile". I read once that the bulk of unexplained infertile people are actually "sub-fertile". Have well-timed unprotected sex for like 10 years and they might get lucky. Thing is, who has 10 years to wait? I am pretty fertile but lost four pregnancies -- OK at getting pregant, not so great at staying that way. Most annoying thing for me, was how so many people told me, after my daughter was born, "see, if you hadn't lost all those other pregnancies you wouldn't have her." Another version of the "it's meant to be" comment I guess. That one always gets my back up.

[expat]

God, I could expound on this for hours.

The short answer to them is that three years of unprotected sex, and failed IVF resulting in one pregnancy does not make you fertile.

You'll see another aspect of infertility when everyone around you is discussing child spacing. Sure, it's nowhere near the pain of having no child at all, but it is quite a difficult thing.

[expat]

Oh, and I wanted to add - would that person say that Tertia, for example, is not infertile, simply because in ten years and none IVFs she's managed one pregnancy by sex?

[marie-baguette]

I read a great post on being "sub-fertile" and I wish I could send it to you. Truth is, lots of couples are sub-fertile and can get pregnant on their own. Problem is it might take forever... There is a very interesting post on Dead Bug, who got pregnant naturally after a first IVF pregnancy: her doctor said that some people have hormonal imbalances that are solved by a successful pregnancy. I wish it was true for everyone. Me and my husband know that the only way for us to have kids is through IVF, and we already worry that my pregnancy will be our first and last, so I do understand where you stand. Hopefully Dead Bug's doctor is right and like her (and others) you will some day be advised by your doc to go back on the pill! Bonne chance with everything and thank you for a thought provoking post

[Amyesq]

After what you have been through, is one ever really not infertile? I hate to say that infertile can also be a state of mind, but I'll say it. If I were to get pregnant tomorrow I think I would always feel infertile. And I don't mean that in a necessarily negative way. Just that we can't help but have what we've been through color our experience.

Have you moved yet? I need your new address. No, not to send you presents or anything.

[Em]

I consider myself fortunate but mentally and emotionally I still consider myself infertile. There is no explanation as to why I got pregnant - especially since the scan I had that month showed multiple cysts on my ovaries and very thin lining and the dr basically said you won't get pregnant this cycle. Ha! I have had people say that as well about it good knowing that I am not infertile but it is a state of mind for me. I can't shake it.

[Helen]

What an interesting debate! It took me 14 months to get pregnant with my first and the second was an accident, due to my thinking that I was "infertile". That happens to a lot of people. Unexplained infertility is very odd and very random. Child spacing is an interesting issue as people who got pregnant easily the first time can go on to experience secondary infertility or multiple miscarriage. I must say that I don't personally feel infertile any more, but I do feel incredibly blessed to have had the opportunity to have children - at 14 months to conceive and no treatments I could only just fit the definition of infertile but I experienced the increasing depression and sense of loss that came with it for me.

I'm rambling here as usual. One thing though Mare is that even though you say you didn't do anything different, in a way you did. You didn't know exactly when your period was due, which shows how you had dropped your obsession. Also you got a dog. A friend of a friend got a dog after trying for 7 years was pregnant within a few months. Maybe thats just an old wives tale.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't feel that it won't happen again. Life is a funny random thing, and we all need to enjoy the good things!

[Truly Tested]

Wow Mare, I see what I get for going MIA for the past 3 months. Congratulations on your amazing news! I am very happy for you and wish that I could say the same about myself. No good news for me and troubles at home on the marital front due to continued IF and the issues we've had with our new dog...which was to have solved so much yet has highlighted so much that is wrong