It's the StayPuft Marshmallow Man

Little Guy firmly believes he is the centre of the universe, and so naturally, he concurs with the theory that it was because of his arrival that I finally became pregnant.  I, on the other hand, am a little less at ease with the notion. True, it does seem to be downright coinkydinkal- we get a puppy in September and I am pregnant within two months.  And I cannot deny that even now, the sight of his relentless furry cuteness, his small body coiled up on my lap, his sweet puppy face turned up toward mine- all inspire an undeniable surge of maternal feeling- which, who knows, was perhaps linked to my body finally figuring out what to do.  So I do not dismiss the idea out of hand. 

However, the reason I get a bit twitchy about the idea is that to me, it falls a bit too far into the "it was all in your head" side of the explantory spectrum. As in, all I needed to do was get myself in the correct mindset- whatever that might be; relaxed, maternal, preoccupied, detached- and boom!  It's a little bit like saying that "oh, just adopt and you'll surely get pregnant."  The reality is, we all know people to whom that has happened.  We all can name examples of women whom to all extents and purposes were getting on with their lives- either building families in different ways or else focusing on something else entirely- who suddenly and often miraculously conceived. 

And I know of a dozen women who didn't.  For whom the alternate path was the final way forward, rather than the means to achieving the original goal. But somehow nobody talks about them. Nobody says, "hey, I know a couple- they couldn't conceive but after years of unsuccessful heartbreak, instead of having a family, they traveled the world, raised three cats, grew prize-winning roses, and were very happy."  Because where's the anecdote there?  There's no obvious story to tell- no gripping last minute reprieve from the apparent life sentence of infertility.  Which is interesting, because I happen to think tales of people coming to terms with something painful and sad but ultimately moving on should be just celebrated and applauded. But these are quiet, subtle - and often very private- victories and so tend to be overlooked. 

I also have trouble with the notion that the only way to fix infertility is to somehow fixate on something else- to stop wanting what you can't have. Because let's face it, while you are in the throes of the problem, it's a bitch of a cure to achieve. I call it the the Staypuft Marshmallow Man theory. You know, from the film Ghostbusters? The bad guy tells our heroes that the next thing they think of will be the form the demon assumes to destroy the world. And despite their efforts to clear their minds, all that Dan Ackroyd's character can think of is the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.  And lo, destruction comes in the shape of gooey sweetness.  It's like that when you're trying to get pregnant, and you can't. At which point all you can think about is how much you want a baby, even if it starts to completely wreck your life.

Anyway. I'm very glad we got Little Guy, and I'm very glad I got pregnant.  And beyond that- well, it's anybody's guess.

Comments

[marion]

Hmmmmmm. I'm kinda mystical, so if I had to pick an explanation, it would be that it was finally Your Time to have small, helpless creatures be totally dependent on you, so first Little Guy came into your lives, and then Little Embryo/Fetus. But I share your irritation at people who remember the "good" stories - i.e. a couple adopt/go on vacation/get a dog and then miraculously get pregnant and the tale ends with ladybug onesies! - while totally ignoring the many "other" stories about people who don't get the miracle pregnancy. Though, I do occasionally hear, "So-and-So couldn't get pregnant, and they adopted a little girl from China/a little boy from Korea/twins from Social Services and they are SO HAPPY."

Personally, I think the introduction of Little Guy and the advent of Little Fetus represent a set of joyful coincidences...though I do think there's something to the "everything happens at once" theory that essentially holds that major life changes rarely come singly. The latter theory doesn't mean that one has to get pregnant upon getting a puppy...just that getting a puppy is likely to be followed by a couple of other unexpected life changes. How's that?

[Carlynn]

What a great post.

I also want to hear more stories about couples who struggled for years and eventually found their own equilibrium despite not achieving what they initially wanted and are living happily together and going on marvellous holidays.

And the Staypuft Marshmellow Man theory is fabulous, what a good name for it.

I'm so happy for you and Little Guy and this miracle that has happened. I like Marion's comment, happiness comes in clumps just like sadness and it is wonderful that you are enjoying the happiness after the difficult time you went through.

[susan]

thanks for posting this. i got three puppies during our ART efforts...and yes, i have been very distracted and i have moved on and you know what? nope, not pregnant. however, that sometimes it does work out for some folks, is fine by me. i'll take success stories however i can get 'em.

[Gil]

As per Mel's comment week (@ Stirrup Queens): And a very cute puppy he is too! Aw... what a face.
Just delurking to say I like this post. I'm relating to it on the level of "what if it isn't meant to be and can I find happiness in other aspects of my life" but that's a helluva tough question to answer right now. It will come up though. I dread it. But I'm seeing how everyone else is doing and I'm here and still reading. Thanks for letting us share your experiences. It means a lot.

[Pamplemousse]

Still waiting for equilibrium but I think it will be the roses for me.

Little Guy needs to come on his holidays to his Auntie P. Such cuteness and you are going to run out of lap room soon. I have loads of lap room ;)

[Lut C.]

It's like all those anecdotes about car crashes. X wrecked his car, and walked out with nothing more than a scratch. Imagine! Sure, but what about all those others who crashed their cars and spent months in the hospital? Those stories don't get told and retold.

[Anita]

Little guy actually looks a bit like the staypuft marshmallow man. ;-)

[alchemilla]

Yes. Yes. YES.

[Toni]

I, too, have been pondering something similar. After years of infertility b/c I would never get my perior - (and, thank g-d, two beautiful daughters) - I've gotten my period three months in a row. WHY? WHY NOW?? My husband (whom I tried to bash after this comment) told me I was finally relaxed. Ugh.

All I can say about this and all things - is that I have no clue why things happen the way they happen. And for myself, I'll just be happy they happened the way they did.

Not as good as your theory - but makes me smile :)

(I love the puppy picture - very cute. We're getting a puppy on Sunday!!)

[sharah]

Finally delurking, after being prompted by Mel.

I heard once that an unexplained infertile couple who stops treatment and starts the adoption process has a 7-10% chance of getting pregnant. But at the same time an unexplained infertile couple who stops treatment and chooses to move forward without children also has a 7-10% chance of getting pregnant. The chance of pregnancy is there, no matter what choices the couple make; for some people it happens, and for others it does not.

I'm just so happy that it happened for you guys :) And Little Guy is adorable -- I just want to snuggle him all up.

[Ann]

I found it was the same way when I was single. People would say, "Oh, you'll meet someone when you're not looking." Yes, it's true that many people do "accidentally" meet someone, but once you get to a certain age, you get really sick of "not looking!" And no, that didn't hold true to me--I met my husband when I was attending an event specifically to "broaden my horizons--" and if that included meeting a man, so much the better!

Hey, I'm a brand-new blogger, and a longtime lurker on infertility blogs. Check out my site at theunlucky20percent.blogspot.com. I'm hoping that becoming part of the infertility blogger community will be the therapy I need!

[Helen]

Hello. It was me that suggested the puppy/pregnancy link a couple of posts ago (although I am sure others must have too). I suppose really some kind of scientific experiment would have to be done in order to discover whether there might be any statistical significance to unexplained infertility followed by pregnancy / pets etc. I can see that that would be pretty difficult to carry out though!

I myself get very irriated by the "everything happens for a reason" brigade - as if things like having an offer on a house accepted, getting a job, or even getting cancer are a part of some great master plan for us - atheist that I am. I have known mother's who have died from breast cancer leaving behind children of 2 and 4 years old - what is the reason for that? I want to know. If someone is making these great plans then I don't like him(her) very much.

On the subject of unexplained infertiliy however I do believe that there could be a link between emotions and infertility. I do believe that stress could have a counterproductive influence on fertility. The unfortunate consequence of infertility however is stress, and how on earth someone who is not achieving what they so desire and yearn for, whilst living surrounded by the successes of others (friends, colleagues, all the stars in the magazines) can NOT get stressed/distressed/upset I do not know. I would say that infertility is something that surely no one can take in their stride. Yet I think the very stress that infertility invokes, could (and I only say could) make the matter worse.

The answer is not to tell people to relax (how can they? and it might not work anyway) but this does not mean that relaxing would do no good. Just because what people sometimes suggest can be very irritating and unhelpful, does not mean that there is not an element of truth to it.

[-Blue]

I've often pondered the whole mythos of adopting/puppy/acceptance ... *POW* pregnant thing because it sort of happened to me. Infertile for over 10 years, new-husband-who-had-been-told-to-never-expect kids, *pow* pregnant (on birth control, no less) but I realize that it was just my having got rid of Useless Husband Number One and lost 180lbs.

However ... I CAN buy the 'maybe it was just your time'

At any rate I'm so glad it happend for you. I don't care if it was the pup, or a stray northern wind!

[Ann]

Actually, I have another comment on this: It appears that during my last two cycles, I have ovulated after having already given up that cycle for lost. In other words, I wasn't thinking about it much anymore. Is that a coincidence? Or does it perpetuate the thought that stress (over wanting to conceive, for example) delays ovulation? Yikes.

[K]

I have never posted before, but your blog is great...

Anyway, I became pregnant with my daughter when we decided to adopt a dog. We had put money down on the lab, and I found out I was pregnant on Friday. On Saturday, we brought her home.

I feel like a walking urban legend. I dreaded telling my friends (I had already experienced 4 failed IVF fresh cycles).

C'est la vie! I still feel so lucky and blessed to have my daughter... BUT it is crazy to think of how it is tied to our dog.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
K