Newsflash- all babies cry!

On Wednesday, Botany screamed & cried on and off from late afternoon until about 10pm- including an earsplitting, non-stop 3 hour marathon session. I was so frazzled that I had to hand her to E. and leave the house for 15 minutes, weeping as I walked around the block.  When I came back, she was still crying. 

Since during these bouts she is so clearly in some sort of digestive discomfort, and because I can't really rule out reflux (of which she does have some symptoms, albeit not the really obvious ones), I called the health visitor on Thursday morning. She gave me more or less the same chat as last time- was I making sure Botany wasn't getting too much foremilk?  Was I winding her properly?  Had I tried gas drops? Blah blah blah.  Finally, she told me to make an appointment to see the GP, which I duly did for that afternoon.  Heart thumping at the scariness of leaving the house with a shrieking infant, I loaded Botany into her pram and headed out.  And she slept, angelically, the entire time.

Cue a consultation with the most condescending bitch of a doctor I have come across in several years.  She was running late, and although Botany was still asleep, I was getting twitchy about running into feeding time.  When you only have an hour and half or so between feeds, it limits the amount of time you want to spend, say, hanging around a doctor's waiting room.  So when I went in, I kept gently rocking the pram back and forth in hopes the baby would stay asleep.  After a few minutes, Dr. Bitchslap leaned over and actually pushed the pram away from me, out of my reach.

Oh, I am sorry, was my attempt to soothe my child interrupting your finely honed concentration, Doc?

What she basically said was this:  some babies cry a lot.  They call it colic but they don't know what causes it and there is nothing to be done about it except wait for her to grow out of it.

What about reflux, I asked?  Nah, she said with a dismissive flick, that's really not very common. And she didn't want to prescribe anything at this stage. To back up this comprehensive diagnosis, she listened to Botany's heartbeat and looked in her nappy.  Yes, she has a pulse and yes, she poos.  Bingo!  No reflux.

Dr Bitchslap also gave me a ticking off for expressing milk at this stage- saying it was "too early".  I don't know what the hell that is supposed to mean. It's not as if I am pumping vast quantities a day- maybe a couple of ounces so as to give E. a chance to give her a bottle once a day (which the health visitor recommended we do before Botany becomes too in love with the boob to ever switch). And given that my right side in particular seems to have a more than abundant flow, I don't see why that would be a problem. If nothing else, I think we can safely say that the issue is not that the baby is hungry.

The doctor also pooh-poohed the notion of foremilk and hindmilk (which again, the health visitor had suggested I try to avoid giving Botany too much of the former, as it may cause excessive gas). Accordingly to Dr Bitchslap, it's all one big happy milky mix inside my breasts- and hadn't I been reading a bit too much on the internet, she asked with one eyebrow raised.  Maybe I just needed to "talk to some other mothers" so as to understand that their babies cry, too.

And that was it- we were summarily dismissed. She didn't bother to ask how I might be doing- for example, whether the hours of crying might be affecting my mental health just a little, etc.  It's probably just as well, because I think I might have burst into tears at that point and I have a rule about trying not to cry in front of complete assholes like her.   

So, onwards. Some days are a little better than others, and I hang in for those times.  Even on the bad days there can be bright spots- for example, I received a first series of gummy smiles in celebration of my birthday yesterday (even if it was maybe just wind- but nice wind, in that case.)  I'm continuing to try various things to soothe my darling though grizzly baby in the evening when she howls- but the vacuum cleaner is unfortunately out of the question, as it makes Little Guy go ballistic with barking.

Pity, since the stairs are in a shocking state and could desperately do with a hoover. 

Comments

[thalia]

Oh sweetie, it does sound hard. And the doctor sounds AWFUL. I guess the only answer is to keep on doing what you're doing and try not to feel like it's your fault.

Btw the doc is probably right about the foremilk/hindmilk thing - it's one of those old wives tales which doesn't pan out in practice. NOt that that helps much.

[swisschard]

I think we survive this period by trying one solution after another - the gas drops, the reflux solutions, the dietary elininations, the foremilk. At by the time we've concluded (as I did) that none of them works, the worst is over. Or the worst is over just as we embark on some other horrible regimen, leading us to credit it with miraculous powers, and to advise other unhappy mothers to embark on the same.
Which is to say, I am sorry and know this misery, and I fear only time will get you out.
Is Botany bicylcling in the air when miserable? This was for my son a sure sign of the unstoppable gastric distress that was "colic." (Though not all crying jags were accompanied by that strange kicking.) I had a better doctor than yours (not hard), though she offered few concrete srategies. She told me, for example, that some babies had a particularly hard time with lactic acid, but that so long as I breastfed there was nothing I could do -- that I would continue to produce it, even if I were to completely eliminate dairy from my diet. (When we supplemented, however, we did use a lactose-free formula free, which helped. Slightly minutely.)
My best suggestion I've already offered: breaks. Accept all the 15-minute respites that E or anyone else will give you. You might consider a set of noise-cancelling earphones. This may sound cruel, but a scary movie without the sound always loses it's blood-curdling edge.
(I am the glint of madness woman.)

[swisschard]

Oh, and I'm so sorry, but I think it's better to know: age 4-6 weeks will be the worst.

[MsPrufrock]

I think a lot of doctors are really patronising to first time mums. Though I'm sure first time mums are a bit more panicky than those who have been through it before, that doesn't mean certain suspicions they may have are unfounded.

P wasn't diagnosed officially with reflux until she was 3 months old. Prior to that I saw the GP and Health Visitor numerous times, and was consistently brushed off. I still think the GP prescribed reflux meds just to shut me up for awhile.

Whether it was due to reflux or colic, I don't know, but P cried every night for hours and hours. Unlike you, I was not really capable of seeing any good in my baby, which was heartbreaking.

If you do suspect reflux, please feel free to email me and I can tell you the limited amount that I do know about it.

[Lut C.]

I'm sorry the doctor's visit was no help at all in lifting your spirits.
Handing her off to E. after a long hard day is probably the sanest thing for you to do. Hopefully, she'll grow out of it soon.

[Veronica]

My advice? Get a new doctor!

It doesn't matter that you are a first time mum, if your doctor won't take you seriously now then you don't want her around later on.

Yes some babies cry, but for her to brush you off like that means that she has never experienced a baby that screams.

The foremilk/hindmilk thing you will notice when you express that the first lot of milk is more watery and after a bit it looks creamier. I never noticed that too much foremilk gave wind, but I did notice that if I changed boobs before Amy got hind milk she wanted to feed more. I used to feed on one side for 2-3hrs then change boobs. Hmmmm I still do... lol

Even windy smiles are smiles. I am sure I got a real smile at 2days. You can tell tehm apart.

And, just to make my comment longer, about the talk to other mothers... you should join a Mums group. Mine has helped save my sanity on more than one occasion

[Vicky]

Assvice ahoy (from a midwife, if that helps it be lass assvicey - probably not though)...the foremilk/hindmilk thing is a fallacy. Sowwy. Yes, there is a difference in the milk before the feed and at the end, but the fat/calorie composition varies over the feed and at no one time switches from watery to creamy. And I'm a bit concerned as to how your HV has told you to ensure Botany doesn't get too much foremilk? What strategy are you using to work that?

Hey, I suppose if she's feeding, putting on weight and having wet and dirty nappies, it doesn't matter anyway (the foremilk think I mean, not the screaming.)

Good luck x

[Kath]

Dear Mare, I'm so sorry -- first that you (and poor Botany) are being driven round the bend, and most of all that you are being condescended to so nastily. That must make things even less bearable. I so hope things improve for you soon, despite Dr. Do-Nothing's best efforts.

[Tam]

What a bloody awful doctor. I'm so sorry, the last thing you need is to be patronised.

(No great advice - I'm expecting my first in a week's time, and am duly terrified...)

[Bittermama]

Oh, Mare! That bitch! She actually pushed the stroller out of your reach?!?!? I would have tackled her and clawed her eyes out at that point. Bet they'd have given me some reflux meds, then, eh? Or, well, at least some antipsychotics, which might have helped.

Anyway... My doctor, who I really love, also wanted to wait until around 6-8 weeks to prescribe reflux meds. His argument was that too many babies are on them and probably a lot of them just have colic and 6-8 weeks isn't long enough with a reflux problem to do lasting damage (to the baby's esophagus, that is!). So he preferred to wait until after the colic peak to see if things got better and if they didn't, then he'd prescribe the meds. I think by the second visit at around 4 weeks, I was able to talk him into it though since I'd already had one definite reflux baby and knew the signs very well. She had colic too, but that was a separate issue. The reflux caused arching, an odd gurgling, sour breath that smelled like vomit rather than sour milk, and crying during and after every feeding. The colic caused long crying jags that were fairly predictable as to time of day (hers were from around 6 til midnight at the peak of it).

After doing a lot of reading, I think it's more of a neurological issue than a digestive one. I really liked the Happiest Baby on the Block book by Harvey Karp. I'd already known how to swaddle, swing, etc., but reading the book helped me understand exactly which way worked. It didn't stop the crying all of the time, but it did seem to help reduce the inconsolable hours. Each baby has their own little combination that works, for lil' G it was tightly swaddling (while she screamed even harder!), then popping her into a tight sling, then taking her outside where the fresh air would shock her into being willing to suck on a pacifier. Then I'd tuck a white noise machine into my bra (good thing they make them relatively light!) and sort of sway around the house.

[Jenn]

*hugs*

No doctor should ever treat you that way, even if she was 100% right (which I don't think she was). I'm not sure what her problem with pumping is either. I pumped in the hosptial and kept pumping for a few months just to keep my supply up and try to build a little bit of a freezer stash. I think I did have a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance, but I nursed twins so what I did won't help you much. Still, if you're interested e-mail me.

Damn, at the very least she could have been sympathetic.

[victoria]

this is total assvice, but that is what my son was like. If you are already pumping a little bit, why don't you try giving her some lactose free or soy formula for a day or two. Keep expressing and freezing your milk, that way you will build up a little bit of a stock. If it doesn't make a difference to her, then you know that the feeding is not the issue AT ALL. (unless it is reflux). If she settles down, then you know that it is something to do with your milk (either lactose or other intolerances). My son would scream daily until he would pass out from sheer fatigue. When I asked my doctor (who I love) she said"some babies just cry" Later that day, I gave him a bottle of soy milk, which he drank with gusto, and proceeded to fall asleep for 4 hours. I cried with both guilt and relief. I think that at this point, if she is nursing well, you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain from trying whatever you can. I am feeling for you, because I remember how heart breaking those cries were.

[victoria]

Oh, I forgot something else. She had a forceps delivery. If it is something that you believe in and/or feel comfortable doing, try taking her to a chiropractor. I used to work for one, and we had several mums ask what the chiro did to their babies, because they turned into a different child after being adjusted. Being born is hard enough on their little necks, without the added stress of being yanked out with a big pair of salad tongs. Maybe she is suffering from an ongoing headache??

Assvice now concluded. Good luck. You have many people sending you good thoughts

[Amy]

I'm nine months pregnant now (due on 9/22) and I'm currently reading "Happiest Baby on the Block," by Harvey Karp at the suggestion of my childbirth education teacher. (She actually recommended the video over the book, but I can't seem to find the video anywhere.) So, while I haven't yet put his advice to practice, I second Bittermama's recommendation above...even though I am sure that reading a book is the LAST thing you want to do right now! Try to find the video. I hope things improve soon. Best~

[K&M]

I feel your pain...there have been days when Max was younger that I would call my hubby and just have them baby scream in the phone. He came home right away and I locked myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Breaks are required for you!

And its ok if you need to just put her in her crib and step away for 2-3 minutes into another room to take some deep breaths.

I wish I could come over and help! Damned ocean...

[Nicole]

I've never commented on your blog before, but I couldn't help thinking of you when this week's New Yorker arrived yesterday. There's a comprehensive article about colic. And no, I'm afraid they don't offer much in the way of advice, but -- I felt a little better for you, and for all mothers out there who are suffering, along with their babies. At least the New Yorker is taking you seriously, even if that nasty doctor wouldn't!

[Anon]

I'm sorry you were treated that way. Unfortunately, I can totally relate, as I had a similar experience with 2 GPs that I saw.

I'm actually a paeds nurse with a scbu background, and they *still* pooh-poohed the idea that my daughter had silent reflux. One was adamant that it was colic (it wasn't!), and the other said it couldn't be reflux as 'it doesn't hurt babies, and she's gaining weight'. And both GPs were incredibly patronising about me being a first time mother, too. Grrr...

It took persistance, support from the NHS BF specialist, and a visit to a 3rd GP before we got anywhere. The GP agreed that the screaming, choking, bringing milk back into her mouth etc all sounded like reflux and prescribed meds for it.

And it made a HUGE difference. Yes, it was a complete hassle having to express milk and mix up gaviscon to syringe into my daughter with each feed, but it was totally worth it.

She started to sleep, and settle, and became a happier, smilier baby all round.

*And* she stopped feeding all of the time too, which was great as she'd been almost permanently stuck to my boob until then!

The BF specialist said that silent reflux is more painful for babies than 'regular' reflux, as the acid burns their throats on the way up *and* back down again. As a result, babies with silent reflux tend to have storming weight gains as they feed almost constantly to try and soothe the burning in their throat.

However, a lot of GPs look for 'regular' reflux and the associated poor weight gain, and automatically dismiss the poor silent refluxer as gaining weight too well to need meds.

I hope that either Botany settles, or that you find a more sympathetic and professional GP to help you.

And congrats for both your birthday yesterday, and that first heart-melting gummy smile. ;o)

[KLynn]

Delurking to add my sympathy and some assvice. That doctor is a bitch and an idiot. Pushing the pram away, indeed. And the foremilk/hindmilk thing DOES have merit. As a mom who pumped for 11 1/2 months, I should know. When Boog (my little preemie - 3lbs 8oz) nursed and only got the foremilk, he was very unhappy, and not satisfied. When I gave him milk I'd pumped that had a balance of foremilk and hindmilk, he ate well and was content.

Now, I can't tell you how much of that was because of the differences between my nipple and a bottle nipple, but I can tell you that there is a BIG difference between the thin, watery foremilk, and the thick creamy hindmilk. Though I can't tell you the content/caloric difference between the two, I can tell you that the hindmilk was more filling/satisfying for my little guy.

I would suggest letting her nurse on one side, not switching sides if you stop to burp (wind) her in the middle of the feed. Allow her to nurse on that side until she's done or until she's either emptied it (then switch sides) or full (then start with the other breast for the next feed).

Other than that, I think you're doing the right things. (Gas drops, keeping her more upright after feedings) And talking to other (especially the more experienced) breastfeeding mothers couldn't hurt. Just listen to your instincts, and when they don't tell you what you need to know, don't be afraid to ask. Even if the beyotch of a doctor doesn't know what she's talking about...then listen to your instincts that she's an idiot.

I'll go back into lurker mode, now. Just know that I'm thinking of you and rooting for you and Botany to find your groove. Feel free to email me if you think I could help.

[May]

Ooh, I could just destroy that doctor for you. Or tie her to a chair at your house, alone with Botany, from 4-10PM. Whoever commented above that this woman has never been exposed to a colicky infant was right on. I hope you manage to forget the experience as soon as possible, and good for you for not letting her make you cry.

I think surviving colic after a horrible pregnancy was about the worst thing that ever happened to me. It's a terrible thing, and you sound like you're finding occasional moments of sanity, which is wonderful.

Anyway, you've gotten a huge pile of advice above. I got my share, too. I tried most of it, very little helped, and by the time I was ready to commit myself to a mental institution, my daughter outgrew the screaming. Rather spectacularly, I might add, at around 12 weeks of age. I swaddled her very tightly one day, and put her down, asleep, in our cradle swing on the lowest setting, and she slept for more than 12 hours. In a ROW. We kept checking to make sure she was alive. That was the day she turned the corner and she's been a very laid back kid ever since.

May you turn your corner as soon as humanly possible.

[suzanne]

What an awful doctor! On the expressing thing, my lactation consultant told me to express as soon as possible which I did - started pumping just a few days home from the hospital. Also, we didn't consistently try using a bottle and let it go until I went back to work when she was 12 weeks. It took her almost 4 weeks to get proficient and not completely upset (I work from home so was able to breastfeed rather than letting her get too upset). So, giving at least one bottle a day early on I think is a good thing in my opinion and something I would push more next time round (ha ha - 3 years of infertility and IVF to get this one).

Also, after trying everything, I found that my little one just did cry for no reason. She outgrew it by 6 weeks but it was awful at times and I was often crying because I felt like the worst mother ever that I could't comfort her. Most of my friends had similar experiences so I think it's pretty normal.

[trine]

first time commenter. Mu son had colic too, and we went for accupressure for him, and that helped. I'm a scientist, so I don't naturally have faith in anything "new age", however after reading up on I found out that 1. controlled studies on acupressure in treatment of infant colic do show an effect, 3. accupressure couldn't harm. 3. with a child with colic I would do ANYTHING to make it better... so just this little assvice from my part. I do hope things will look better for you soon.

[JK]

I didn't read all of the comments, but it sounds to me like you need to sit in that evil doctor's office with Botany--it made her sleep like an angel you said.

I am so sorry the doctor said those things. I can't offer any more advice than what others have, but it will get better. I guess the one thing I'd suggest, is to send the little pup out for a walk and hoover away :-).

I am so sorry. It will get better. Babies cry. It's really hard on the Mom, but don't feel that it's in anyway related to you. You're doing a fantastic job.

[Tonya]

What a bitch that doctor was! I'd like to boot her in the head, both for her total lack of empathy and usefulness, as well as for pushing the pram away. She is totally useless in my book. Is there anyone else you can see?

One thing I did to help prove (to myself and to the ped) that Tiny Boy had reflux & colic-- I kept a diary of what I ate and when, then when TB ate and spewed and screamed. It showed me that there was a dietary component (dairy & soy) to his misery, and it showed the ped that yes-- I'm not making it up-- he really does this consistently every day. While it was a bit tedious for a week, it ended up getting him more attention at his 4 mo. appointment, and finally the reflux med.

Yes, some babies do just scream for days on end, but I believe there is always a reason (even if we don't yet know how to relieve the pain yet). It seems many docs just dismiss it outright instead of trying to take ownership of the problem and help by trying ways to provide relief.

You have my full and complete respect and empathy. What you are going through is exhausting, and I hope you find ways to muddle through as best you can.

[Katie]

Although I have no idea why some babies cry loads, it is true that they do, it is also true that we (as in, those who study behavioural development) have no idea why, and (probably much more helpful to you) it is also true that the vast majority stop doing it - but not until they are about 3 months old. Unfortunately.

The only helpful thing I've read is that carrying them when they aren't crying reduces the amount of crying (I believe from an average of 2 hours a day at 6 weeks to an average of 1 hr a day). Co-sleeping doesn't seem to, but putting in a pram a la Gina Ford doesn't either.

When someone seeks advice about why their baby is crying they can be trying to find out one or both of two things a) is there anything wrong that could be dangerous or b) how can I make this STOP! Sounds like your doctor concentrated on a) when you of course wanted b)!

[Pamela Berry]

Hi Mare

you poor thing, no advice helps just the baby shutting up and being happy would do. do you have an electric pump? I didn't succeed beyond 6 weeks of breast feeding but a work colleague did and she had an electric pump and said it was a lot easier to get more milk out. Also far less exhausting...
Also I don't know if it's Glasgow you live in but if you suspect anything wrong with baby go to Yorkhill on a Saturday. that's what I do. G.P's generalise far too much. At least they are trained at Yorkhill and if they don't know they get a consultant. far more reassuring than G.P. poking stethascope at baby light in the ears and announcing - everythings fine. Go home and deal with this barking cough, it's viral.
All the best.