How to win friends and influence mothers

Aw, I heart you, nice peoples for saying the nice things and expressing an appetite for more minutaie- bless you. Minutaie you shall have.  But...eeep. Having just finished saying it was OK with me if people didn't want to read any more, I was slightly dismayed at the sudden drop in bloglines subscribers.  Was it something I said?  Or didn't say?

(Actually, it really is OK- it's just that for awhile, I've been slightly perplexed about the subscriber numbers. It always seems someone is going out the revolving door just as someone else comes in. Maybe it is just the ebb and flow of the great river of the internets.)   

To be honest, I am finding my self esteem occasionally teetering toward the low end of the spectrum at the moment. Aside from feeling the constant vertigo of the parenting learning curve, another daunting aspect of new motherhood which I hadn't quite reckoned on is the extent to which one is suddenly thrust into social!group!activities!with!other!new!mothers!and!our!babies! This should really not come as such a surprise- after all, before I managed to get pregnant, it was hard not to notice that the local village was clogged with hoards of pram-pushing women, all of whom have extended maternity leave and appeared to be intent on finding somewhere to sit to feed the baby while slurping a latte.  What I hadn't previously grasped is that baby-feeding latte drinking is a Team Sport and that I would be joining the pram-pushing ranks.

Before getting pregnant, I was the sort of person who, while up for the odd bit of socialising and hanging out with friends, quite often preferred my own company much of the time. But it quickly became evident to me in the early weeks of Botany's life that if I was going to survive her infancy with my sanity intact, I was both going to have to get out of the house on a regular basis and make contact with other women who were undergoing similar sorts of experiences in baby bootcamp. Essentially, since doing endless laps of the park on my own was not really an appealing option, this meant joining groups for baby-related activities. This means making new "real life" friends.

Unfortunately, I am not exactly feeling my shiny, witty, sparkling best. I am usually pretty exhausted lack of sleep. When I am tired, my verbal skills are the first thing to go; I often have trouble stringing together a coherent sentence. I hate the way I look at the moment- I only get about 30 seconds to slap on some make-up in the morning; I can't fit into any of my pre-pregnancy trousers; most of my tops and shirts strain to contain my nursing bosom. Winter coat situation?  Bad. Can't even get it buttoned across the chest. And most days I am covered with a fair amount of dried milk (another side effect of crazy spraying boobs). So while I make a big effort and put my best foot forward, I often come away from these group encounters feeling like...a bit of a goober.

Example: first visit to my new Mother and Baby Playgroup on Thursday morning. I think I may have rolled the pram through some mud or perhaps dog poo because there was something yukky all over the wheels, and the brake is sticking again so I crashed into the door on the way in.  I was wearing my only clean trousers, slightly unflattering former IVF fat pants with a bedraggled hem. I also wore a stupid shirt over tank top ensemble which turned out to be very fiddly and constraining so that the only way to feed Botany was to get my entire boob out.  Which shouldn't be a big deal, except that I am not really "an entire boob out on first playgroup day" kind of girl. In trying to wrangle a blanket out of my bag, I knocked over a cup of coffee which had been placed by my feet. Botany kept tossing her head back and forth violently to combat the boob spray while clawing at my chest, then she did a big loud messy poo which went right up her back. I realised I had forgotten to pack a change of clothes for her. While changing her nappy, I manage to kneel in the damp coffee patch, leaving two big wet splodges on my formerly clean (though bedraggled) trousers.

Next to me sat a young trendy yummy-mummy type, with long flowing stylishly tousled hair, wearing a groovy knit mini dress and knee high suede boots. She was discussing a dinner party she planned to attend later, and reviewing her recent trip to Amsterdam with her five month old son, who was dressed in a cute little striped ensemble and burbling angelically on the playmat. 

Ugh.

However, at coffee afterwards, I got to chatting with another woman who I had clocked previously in my postnatal group. Her baby is also of the crankypants variety and on a couple of occasions, I detected the slightly deranged look of a colic survivor in her eye.  Over the obligatory lattes, we swapped a few war stories, in particular Nightmares Experienced with Screaming Infants on Public Transport. Then we agreed to make a joint venture to pram-push on foot to the nice department store in the town centre. 

"Yeah," she sighed, "I could really do with some new clothes. Nothing fits."

"Oh," I said. "Me too. I'm such a lard ass right now. But you always look really nice."  (And she does- matching sweaters/scarfs, fetching tweedy skirts, again the knee high boots).

"Oh, thank you very much," she said blushing prettily. "Actually," she went on, "I was thinking that you look really thin."

Maybe this making friends thing won't be all bad after all.   

Comments

[MsPrufrock]

Jesus, where was this woman when P was young? I was so you, or at least how you perceive yourself to be. Come to think of it, I still am. Shit.

[Veronica]

Yay for meeting a fellow mother friend! I have the best Mum's Group, as opposed to all the other ones I heard about. In the early days, we all showed up covered in baby puke with no makeup.

[thalia]

Wow. Bless that woman, just what you need after a long morning. I have a trendy knit dress dinner party woman in my life too but she's very nice despite that, so you never know.

[K&M]

Thin! Now THAT's a friend in the making if I ever saw one!

[daysgoby]

She sounds like a good 'un!

[Anna H.]

Ha! Nice to hear that last bit, sweet Mare.

xxoo

[julie B]

the main point to remember re the Amsterdam'd yummy mummy is that her baby is 5 months old. A whole world of difference by then, for your sanity/your wardrobe/your effortless packing of 10 changes of clothes for Botany when leaving the house. Coffee groups are scary.

[Anne]

Yup, I agree with julie B. My breasts were so engorged early on I had to buy new sweaters. (I was an E cup--yuck!) But they went down quite a bit after the first several months, even though I was still breast feeding full-time, and the leaking decreased to the point where I no longer had to wear breast pads in my bra (nothing makes you feel sexier than milk-stained breast pads under your beautiful white nursing bra!) And my stomach has been decreasing incrementally all year. It does get better--I promise!

[belledlr]

Honey do I know where you are coming from! The first 3 months of Baby B's life I was in a drunk-tired state of existance - you know, where you are so tired you act and feel drunk although you haven't had a drop of alcohol in over a year?? Getting "dolled up" meant that I actually took a shower that day. Trust me, it does get better. Pfffttt to the TYM! Obviously she has too much time on her hands and three nannies to do the work for her!

[Sarah]

awww

[Sam]

Please try to remember that all "normal" new mothers are in the exact same boat. The ones that look perfect and glamorous have something wrong with them. Imagine how much time it would take to look perfectly put together. Now imagine taking that time away from your beautiful Botany.

A cautious word of advice about paying attention to your traffic: DON'T LOOK! If you are feeling down, just leave it alone. Put the bloglines down and walk away.

[pixi]

A fellow goobermom here to say that feel your pain. Glad you were able to make a connection, though.

[Lucia]

Hey, some days I feel like that even without a baby ;o)

[Pamplemousse]

I have no advice for you on new motherhood but I need to pick your brain about new puppies. Can you remember back to when LG was very littles???

[Ally]

Those first few months are so hard. My friend and I were being SLIGHTLY catty about a couple of yummy post-partum mummies at church of all places the other day, but really, my memories of the first few months are of spraying milk, saggy body, (except the breasts, and holy cow), no clothing that fit, etc. Even now, after 3 years, it chaps my hide to see someone with a two-month old back in their super skinny pre-baby clothing.

I threw on a blouse the other day that I could barely get buttoned halfway up when I was nursing - it HANGS off me now. I'm passing it on to a friend with a baby Botany's age. It's her second baby, and she's still horrified at how nothing fits because of the boobs.

[Becky]

I AM SO GLAD THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT A PROPER WINTER COAT. My son is 7 months old, I've just found out that my stupid thyroid has been extremely underactive for most of my postpartum period, therefore I am not to blame for the nasty baby weight still taking up residence on my ass (why oh why did my ass need to get pregnant, too?). Thank you for making me feel better about myself.

I, like you, have no Real Life Mommy friends to speak of, so I need to get my ass in gear and somehow meet some. Good times, good times.

(I'm sure that you looked more put together than you felt.)

[JennaM]

When we got Nate Boy home from the hospital, strangers and half-acquaintances kept telling me I "looked wonderful" (no idea he hadn't grown in MY body). After explaining the first dozen times, "I should look better, actually: he's adopted," I finally decided to capitalize on the opportunity, even beginning to blush when replying, "Oh, gosh, really?! Thanks!"

Just to say: take it wherever you can get it. And I promise you the yummy mummy's kid will wish her as much ill will as I do in a few years' time.

xoxo
JennaM

[Vivien]

Friends are good. She sounds like a good friend-to-be.

[Amyesq]

I have no doubt you are a complete post-partum hottie. It does feel funny being part of the mommy brigade. A bit disconcerting. And also strange that one can actually finally hold forth a discourse on eating/sleeping/pooping with some level of authority.

Kind of weird and amazing.