Eyes wide shut

It's been a very, very interesting couple of days. Lots to tell and share about Project Sleep! Unfortunately, given the constraints on my time, I think I'm going to have to deal with it by way of another series of posts. Which I appreciate is possibly tedious- but perhaps we can at least pretend it gives a little frisson of suspense to the proceedings.   

After I wrote that last post, I flailed around trying to figure out what to do. I made up my mind that co-sleeping, as someone helpfully suggested, is really not a viable approach. For starter's, I am a fairly restless sleeper and not being able to roll around as much as I'd like really hampers my sleeping mojo. Secondly, while I reckon it's OK for the odd hour or two in the morning, we really don't have the right set-up in terms of fully adhering to safety guidelines for full time co-sleeping. Nor am I particularly keen to have to reorganise in that direction, giving that the ultimate aim is to get Botany sleeping peacefully in her own room. And lastly, any change to the sleeping arrangements would necessitate re-settling the warm doggy bundle elsewhere, no doubt to his considerable chagrin. I know Little Guy would adapt to this, eventually, but we both feel like he's already been sidelined rather a lot since the baby arrived and it just feels kind of...wrong.  Especially since, again, the goal is to get the baby sleeping happily in her own bed.

Talking it over with E., I quickly came to the conclusion that our options were as follows:

a. do nothing- i.e. preserve the status quo and hope that we occasionally had a "good" night in terms of few wake-ups until she grows out of it, however long that takes. And thatwe didn't die of sleep deprivation in the meantime. 

b. sleep training- pick a method, follow through consistently and give it a week. 

It was pretty much a no-brainer; I had already decided that things couldn't go on as they had been. So embracing option b, it was then a matter of figuring out how best to go about fixing the problem. But again I hesitated. I was worried that, based on what I had already seen, crying it out was simply not going to work with Botany. Too upset! Too distraught!  Too much ripping out of my maternal heart with a blunt instrument!

However, the more I pondered the situation and gnawed on my distaste for having to proceed via some sort of "crying it out"programme, the more I realised that I didn't really have any real idea about what that method entailed, exactly: other than Ferber is reviled by many and the process just sounded rather unpleasant. Can we all just heave a collective shudder at the term "Ferberizing"?  [By the way, thank you to those of you who emailed me information about other methods such as NCSS and PU/PD, if I may adopt those sleepy acronyms.] Such was my trepidation that I almost gave up without really attempting any form of crying based sleep stuff in earnest.

But then something happened to make me think that perhaps Botany and I probably could at least endure some crying, after all. I was attempting to get her down to sleep, and she was, um, protesting. It was nearly, though not quite as horrible as our first encounter with crycrycry and although I had a vague notion that I should probably wait another five or ten minutes before going back in, I was on the verge of caving in (see above: heart, spoon, rip).

Then the phone rang. It was my mother, calling me to tell me that while out cycling, my dad had been hit by a car.*  [He's OK but concussed, bruised and very shaken up. Another reminder that wearing a bike helmet may in fact save your life.] By the time I got off the phone with my mom ten minutes later, Botany was asleep. She slept just long enough for me to scrape myself off the ceiling and take a deep, deep breath.

I should also add that there was another thing that made me consider the approach in a different light than I might have otherwise done: your comments. When I hit publish last time, I had sort of expected that people would write something comforting along the lines of "oh yes, the crying thing? It's not for everyone and for whatever reason, we couldn't/wouldn't/didn't do it either."  I was surprised and then reassured that so many of you were able to offer a range of perspectives and ideas, all framed in a positive and non-judgmental way. So *mwah mwah* to you internets- for throwing a lifeline yet again.

And so the next day, I found myself taking the hitherto unthinkable step of actually buying Ferber's book.

 

   

Comments

[expat]

Being one of the few people who've actually read Ferber's book, I think you're doing the right thing in reading it first. I have to say I wish/hope you won't do a crying-alone based thing, but at least you're doing the research first, and I can hope the things short of crying that ferber suggests might work.

Also, ferber is better than weissbluth.

[Melissa]

Oh I'm glad you bought the book. I read it and used the techniques with great success on my fussy twin. I've decided that most people who comment on Ferberizing havent actually read the book. It's very flexible and you can be as gentle as you and your little one need to be.

[Bittermama]

To continue the "range of perspectives" thing: Weisbluth's insight into the science of sleep and the natural times for naps and bedtimes at different ages, combined with Ferber's sleep training method saved our family's sanity.

Just as crying it out isn't for everyone, attachment parenting isn't for everyone. I could never cosleep and it didn't seem to work for my kids either. Past about four months old, they just weren't able to settle down to sleep with anyone else around them. Even now when they're sick, they're basically incapable of being rocked or held to sleep and will flail and fuss if I bring them into my bed without playing and entertaining.

On top of that, any "in-between" method of allowing them to cry with me standing right there patting but not picking up, for example, just made things a million times worse. They got completely frantic. But when I left them alone after timing things well so that they were drowsy but not overtired and doing a long soothing routine, they cried in protest for a relatively short time, then fell asleep and slept soundly. I think it would be a nice thing if we each did what's best for our families and tried not to congratulate or blame ourselves too much.

[Mandy]

I, too, finally gave in and read Ferber and couldn't understand how he had gotten such a bad rap (um... I'm assuming you didn't hate him). But then, I hadn't read the first version of the book. It took us 2 nights to "fix" his sleep at nighttime (a few weeks for it to be perfect), but the best part was that by doing what we needed to do at night, his naps actually became longer than 15 minutes for the first time EVER. I was completely stunned, and while I know it isn't for everyone, it really worked for us.
I found his info on sleep in general very good, and the section on the different kinds of naps and how they help (or hinder) nighttime sleep was really useful. Now, if I can only get my 8 mo old to sleep past 5:00...

[Sassy]

That's very scary about your Dad. I'm glad he's alright. *fingers crossed* your Plan B brings much sleep for you all very soon.

[May]

I love Weissbluth's book; maybe I'll check out Ferber's sometime!

[laughing mommy]

I bought that book and really read it... and found out not everything people say about Ferber is true. He doesn't actually say to let your kid "cry it out" in a cruel fashion. He has a nice step-by-step-ease-you-into-it sleep program.

It totally worked!

My favorite part of the book is the chart that tells you how much your kid should be sleeping at each age.

P.S. I had the same experience when I put my first daughter down for her nap and she was screaming... my sister called me and we talked for a few minutes and baby fell asleep while I was distracted.

[Lynnette]

What worked for the twins, was a combination of Ferber and Weissbluth, and some maternal instinct. I think both doctors are a little misunderstood. We kind of let them grow out of some things (ie: night feedings and wakings) and things sort of fell into place with a minimum of crying/fussing, using both methods. There is a lot of useful info in both books. Our biggest issues were naps, not night time. Now that they are down to one nap, and that is going sporadically well (1- 1/2 - 3 hours), we are going to re-evaluate our bedtime routine, and around 18 months (after we move) hopefully have a little less rocking to drowsy and a bottle (which can be a little time consuming, but I still sort of cherish it, you know? Might be my only babies...) and more "Go to sleep, now..." We'll see how it goes. I hope your dad feels better, soon. How scary.

[Sarah]

I don't think Ferber is the Devil. Also, it might work for Botany, so I'm glad you're giving it a try.
Sarah

[Becky]

I guess what I think is that parenting is all about doing what is most right for you and your family. It's hard, especially since people's opinions tend to be the life vs. death variety, but I'm sure that you know all about that.

I wish you the best of luck, and I will give you only one nugget of wisdom: whatever you try, if it doesn't work well enough right away, you can always pick up and try again later.

Good luck, you three. And here's to a sleep-filled night!

[Melissa]

Hey there! I don't comment too often, but on sleep talk, I'm there.

Please don't feel bad about not co-sleeping. We never did this (for most of the reasons you cited) and I feel that my 16 month old is properly attached and a happy little girl. She actually likes her crib and sleeps well in there.

We/I did sort of a hodgepodge of Ferber/Weissbluth/parental instincts. My general hard and fast rules are: 1) a bedtime routine. We've done this since 8 weeks (gradually adjusting her bedtime back). 2) Once she's in bed, I really, really try not to take her out unless it's been awhile and she needs boob (now bottle). We had this mobile when she was little that we'd wind up a million times if need be and now it's this Rainforest Soother thing. 3) I don't stick around. Wind/push button and leave. If I stick around this just makes her want to be with Mama/play/whatever.

She's a good sleeper, but has had all the normal night wakings, etc. Months 8 & 9 were tough. I really liked Weissbluth for his guide to naps and bedtimes.

[Åsa]

I know Ferber isn't for everyone, but as many of the others have said, it is all up to you how much of crying you can handle. With my oldest I just broke down at 11 months when I would still have to rock him to sleep and he would wake up every 2 hours at night too, sometimes requiring walking around and rocking him for up o an hour. As you can imagine I was sick with sleep deprivation and resentful towards DH who slept soundly. We started the method of just letting him cry for 2 minutes before going in to reassure. I literally sat with a stopwatch on the sofa and felt my heart breaking. The 2nd night we did this, he improved considerably and by a week we had a completely different kid. I don't think there is any magic to it. I guess it is hard for us sometimes to let our hardearned babies cry even for the slightest moment. I felt like a seriously bad mother the first nights but then I saw the change in him and how much less fussy he also was during the day after he managed to catch a few un-interupted hours sleep (as I also became human again!).
Having said that, my second IVF baby is now 20 months and I still nurse him to sleep and co-sleep with him - so basically I have learned nothing from my own experience;)

Sorry for the novel, I hope whatever you decide upon it works because the not sleeping is not used in torture for nothing, it really does break you down.

[Kel]

Go with "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". Based on Ferber, but more common sense (to me, read both). Go to AskMoxie.org too. Keep in mind that this is a process and you'll need to keep adjusting what works as she gets older and goes through all the various regressions (so fun!).

Kel

[Danielle]

I'm so glad that you are finding something that works for you (and Botany). A good night's sleep to all.

[motel manager]

We did some crying (oddly, naps were the issue with my son, not nighttime), and we did it early on - like 3 months. It only took a couple of days, and I would do it again in a second. He is now 9 months and sleeps well - all sleep disturbances have been short-lived, minor, and usually attributable to something (teething, illness). Knock on wood that it continues, etc.

For us, it wasn't a hard decision since he would CRYCRYCRY (for a LONG time) while we were rocking him to sleep or back to sleep, so we figured the net crying would be lower if we just moved to a crying-it-out scenario. And it totally was. He just needed to realize that he could go to sleep or get back to sleep.

Good luck! Sleep deprivation blows!

[Lut C.]

I don't have anything to add, just good luck!

[Christa]

De-lurking here. Full disclosure...We are co-sleepers. We did so with our first (now almost 7) and are doing it again with our second (just turned 9 months). I will completely cop to being a "lazy" parent. Having my baby tucked in right next to me where I can assist without having to get out of bed just works for us. I get it that it doesn't work for everyone and I love what Dr. Sears says about it...that your sleeping arrangements have to work for everyone in the house. That said, please don't be mad (I know nothing good comes after that) I think its interesting that its okay for the dog to sleep with you and not the baby. Please don't take it the wrong way. Just an observation.