The tears at the edge of the world

The uncharted waters of "crying it out" is a place that I had hoped we would never have to go. It wasn't so much that I was philosophically opposed to the notion of CIO; I realise that in some cases and for some babies, it does work. But for us?  For Botany?  From what I had encountered during the few abortive attempts to get her to nap on her own in her cot during the day, I was pretty sure she fell into the "tension increaser category". In other words, to paraphrase the wisdom of Moxie, she cranks herself up and will just get progressively more and more upset.

So the realm of CIO, particularly at night, struck me as an avenue fraught with peril; a route I would only venture in absolutely dire necessity. And up until a few nights ago, I was optimistic that it could be avoided altogether. I could carry on with with my Pantley/Makeitupasyou goalong approach.* Sure, she is waking up a lot and the wake ups are getting more frequent, but she would always go back down, eventually, right?  Sure, I am getting tired, but I am coping, right?

Then came the other night. I had to end a telephone call with my mother at 9pm to go nurse an awakened baby back down. She woke up again at 11pm, just as the film was reaching its thrilling denouement. She woke up at 1am, just as I had finally gotten to sleep. Each time, it took a half an hour to resettle her.

When she woke up at 2am, I sent E. down. I turned off the monitor and lay in the dark, crying a few exhausted and exasperated tears of my own. He came back at 2.30am.

Is she asleep, I asked.  Um, not exactly, he said.

I went down at 2.45 am and nursed her back down for another half an hour.

When the monitor kicked off at 3.30 am, I decided enough was enough. I went downstairs, comforted her in the cot, and then left the room. I went next door into the living room, sat on the sofa , vowing to give it ten minutes before I went back in. I think I managed about six before I had to go retrieve a howling, sobbing, hysterical baby. When I picked her up, she wrapped her chubby little arms around me, clinging onto my neck for dear life, her body shaking with hiccups of distress. I took her upstairs with me- she nursed frantically for about ten minutes before falling into a deep sleep, whereupon I was able to gently transfer her into the cradle next to our bed and she didn't wake up for three hours.       

The next day, I felt sort of shaky and unsettled. What had just happened there?  Was I a terrible mother for subjecting my child to that treatment? Or was I total wuss for failing to follow through?  I felt dreadful about it, so I mentally parked thinking about it until bedtime.  She woke up about twenty minutes after going down for the night. I went back in and soothed her down. Half an hour later, she woke again, as we were in the middle of eating dinner. E. went in- whereupon she screamed and cried and wailed nonstop for twenty minutes while he held her and tried to comfort her.

E. finally came out looking a bit frazzled. He asked me if we should put the light on to check if she was OK. No, I said, she's fine. I think she's just pissed off that she's not getting boobed back to sleep. Unfortunately by this point, she was again a hysterical hiccuping mess, and I gave in and did just that.

My baby girl, my darling baby girl.  What am I to do?  I know that sometimes, crying might be the only way forward. And I do believe that some crying could be endured. But my heart quails at this type. This is the type of crying you do while sitting on the floor of the bathroom after the IVF cycle has failed- the kind that takes over your whole body, with sob after sob. How can I bear to hear my baby crying that way?  I don't think I can. But I want her to learn how to soothe herself back to sleep. I don't want to be up every other hour night after night, nursing endlessly. Even knowing it will pass eventutally is not enough to ward off the waves of bleakness that wash over me when I contemplate that prospect.

*Am I just thick, or does anyone else find it rather difficult to work out exactly what the "solution" is in the No-Cry Sleep Solution? Large chunks of the book seem to be devoted to self-congratulatory text about how well "it" works, followed by some common sense suggestions which thus far have gotten us pretty much nowhere, followed by an approach which does, in fact, involve crying.    

Comments

[caro]

Sometimes I think of that book as "No Cry, No Solution."

I wish I could help.

[Aunt Becky]

It's terrifically hard and guilt ridden to CIO, and I've been on both sides of the coin. Finally, after 10 months of chronic, mind numbing sleep deprivation, I decided enough was enough and let my Alex CIO. It finally worked (as it hadn't for the previous months I've tried it).

I wish you good luck. It's very hard to decipher what to do what is right for you and your family.

[Anita]

My read on the NCSS is that you are doing graduate behavior modification---letting the child nurse, but then stopping before she goes to sleep on the boob. It took us two nights, but it worked. We also had our little guy in bed with us, so that made it easier.

I hope you all get some sleep soon.

I *PROMISE* you that it will get better and YOU WILL ALL SLEEP LIKE ANGELS again. I swear to you, you will. You honestly and truly will and you'll look back and realize that while this part sucked, well, it sucked and it's over.

I swear to you, it gets better.

[Jennifer]

I didn't read through all of the comments, but my two cents comprise the following.
I liked Weissbluth because I am a wuss, can't stand the crying, makes me cry too. I liked that fact that there were options, and I modified some of his techniques to fit my child's and my needs. WMy first wasn't at Botany's level, but he wasn't a cakewalk. What we did to get him down for a good chunk (4-6 hours before a feeding at 2:30) was that I would nurse and put him down. I would have a small nightlibht or the light for his fishtank on, and if he woke up, I would rub his tummy or back until he fell asleep again. At first this was an hour long adventure (but a lot of laundry got folded!), but over the course of a week or so, it got to the point where I just laid him down and that was it. There were times when he would fuss/complain cry, but after about 10 minutes, he was usually down. If it went longer, I went back in for more rubbing. However, he only ever got one shot at nursing unless he was unconsolable. Being a human pacifier is no fun. The middle of the night wakings didn't end until he was around 10 months, but I was OK with that as it was once at the same time every night and usually only for 20 minutes, max. He was a fantastic napper (still is at a little over two) and we got there by following the Weissbluth method for naps. Made a huge difference.

With our second, more stubborn, child, she was OK with me being in the room. I would nurse her down, put her down (even a little bit awake), and park myself on the loveseat in her room. It was if she just needed to know that I was there. She always has a humidifier running, so it's not like she could hear me, but she also knew that I hadn't left. I'd let her fuss a little, and if it was just complaining, she'd stay put. If it got to the point of a howl, I'd pick her up and rock until she settled down, and then right back in. She's also one of those babies that can get herself so damned upset that she forgets what upset her in the first place, so I really didn't have much of a choice. (She can't be soothed with a simple rub, she needs full-body contact). After about a week, she was very easy to get down, and has been sleeping through with very solid consistency since she was about 10 weeks old. She will still wake up once in a while, but it's so infrequent it's really not an issue She's still a pain with naps, but we're working on it the same way.

It's a tough line to walk-how to do what is best for you (dear God, sleep and keeping your sanity) and what is good for them (dear God, sleep and keeping them feeling safe). With my two, it was a matter of them being ready. If I know anything, neither will do anything until they are ready, but they were still amendable to at least some training to smooth out the rough patches. It's hard enough to try to do this parenting thing without the additional pressue of the guilt-either from yourself or from a book. Do what you feel is best for the two of you.

[monica]

I am a Single Mom by Choice - so I was on my own during what your are currently going thru. Alone at night and also alone during the day - and by that point I was back at work and trying to actually do my job. My now 8 yr old boy was born in early Aug - in mid Dec he was in a phase where he kept loosing the damn pacifer during the night and I was going nuts. I am a scientist and so I started charting how long he would actually sleep. When I looked at the data and saw that I was only geting 10-15 minutes of sleep at a time (Really - I still have those numbers in a little notebook and I show them to new mom's every now and then), I KNEW that I had to do something - and CIO it was. It was hard, hard, hard to lie there with the pillow over my head, but I did it so that I would not go insane with sleep deprivation, and within 2-3 nights it worked, Really, it did. From that point on, my guy has been a GREAT sleeper. Friends are amazed, relatives are jeaolous. I stayed sane. You can do it.

I followed Ferber pretty much exactly. My guy had a sleepy pal by that point (comfort object) - he STILL has it ( and about a zillion other stuffed animals)!

Good luck- she and you will get past this, but do your self and Botany a long term favor and help her figure out how to comfort herself so that she can get back to sleep. It is a gift that will keep on giving.....

[expat]

At this point, I would work on how you can get the most/best sleep you can.

During the night, we put the baby on a double mattress on the floor of our room. I would lie down to nurse her and doze while she did, then move back to my own bed for better sleep. If you can sleep well co-sleeping try that (I can't).

I'd also look at ways to get more sleep around her sleep patterns. Can he take her downstairs once she wakes in the morning and let you get an extra hour or two? Can you nap? Can you go to bed early?

Hang in there, it's tough, but when you've come out the other side and don't ever have to remember leaving them to cry it is so worth it.