There were four in the bed and the little one said...

My prediction was correct- Botany learning how to roll over was the start of some dreadful sleepless nights. To be clear, it's not the risk of SIDS that I was/am concerned about. Rather, the problem is that Botany, having rolled herself over, can't figure out how to get back again. That would fine if she were quite happy to sleep on her tummy, but evidently, that is not so. The night after I wrote that last post, Botany repeatedly rolled in her sleep, in her cot, in her sleeping bag. Every time she woke up to find herself on her tummy, she would freak out and start shrieking.  And then I'd have to nurse back down for a half hour before she would go back to sleep. Rinse, lather, repeat. 

I don't know if it's because she has hit a key developmental milestone or what, but in general, sleep has gone to hell in a handcart around here. I rather blithely assumed we'd gotten over the hump of the four month sleep regression relatively intact and were in the clear for a while. Oh ha ha ha. No. All of a sudden, she's fighting to go down at her normal 7pm bedtime, she's waking up before the dreamfeed at 10.30/11pm, she's refusing to go back to sleep after the dreamfeed, she's awake at 1am and 3am and 4am.

As always, I resort to bringing her upstairs to bed with us for a couple of hours in the morning but it's a little crowded, and I have to shove the dog down to the foot of the bed where he promptly nestles himself on top of my legs, while my right arm is pinioned above my head, curled around Botany as she clamps on to my boob for dear life. It is decidedly uncomfy.

I think I could live with all that, but the early evening sleep battles are particularly wearing. Having come to really rely and depend on the 7-11pm slot for some much needed recharging of the batteries (not to mention eating/showering/blogging/cleaning the house/etc.) I am feeling exhausted and frustrated by turns.  Things would be more bearable if I had a rested, refreshed happy baby in the morning, but au contraire. It's fussyville around here much of the time- I think she is bored and frustrated that she is not able to do things yet. Even though I am pretty hard core about getting out no matter what the weather, conditions have been so horrendous that even I must concede defeat, and we've been stuck in the house a lot. A recipe for a fairly miserable time to be had by all.

So, yeah, I know it will pass, but while it's happening, it basically sucks ass.

It's hard, in the face of all the above, not to feel a little burnt out some days. I think it's part of the ongoing legacy of infertility that, having gotten to the other side, you feel like you're never allowed to complain for a single second about any aspect of parenting. Indeed, I am conscious that I am so lucky to have this time with Botany-so lucky to have her at all.  But I'm only human, too, and I came to the conclusion the other night that I've got to start to give myself a bit of a break in terms of blowing off steam once in awhile. That it's OK to alternately savour her delicious babyness and to long for things to get a little easier. Of course, I realise that "easier" is all relative- that the current challenges are likely to be replaced with other dilemmas and problems- but hopefully ones involving something other than the torture of broken sleep.

Comments

[Jen]

The not-sleeping and not having any evening down time are probably my worst memories from A's first year. I know how terribly draining it can be--especially when you're her only/primary source of comfort & food. It does take a toll, but I hope it is of some solace to know that it truly will not last forever. She'll figure out the rolling, her sleep will improve, and each day you both will be delighted with her astonishing variety of new tricks...but in the meantime, please feel free to not be thrilled with every sleep-deprived minute of it! It's allowed!

[Carla Hinkle]

Lack of sleep will eventually turn even the sunniest outlook to bleak. What I always find so amazing about infant-induced sleeplessness is that once you get even a bit more than you're used to (3-4 hours in a row, even), your entire attitude changes. Suddenly the world looks great! Sunshiney! Everything is just! a! normal! phase! It is almost like sleep is a drug that gets you high, at that point.

Anyway ... my condolences on the not-sleeping. It is craptastic.

[Sam]

She could be teething.

You are totally allowed to bitch and moan. You have a baby and they make you crazy in direct proportion to how much you love them. Or at least that's my theory for the day.

[May]

I could have written this. I am sorry. It certainly shall pass, but you're sure right, while you're there, it sucks.

Have you tried putting her on her tummy during the day and letting her shriek away as she tries to flip back onto her back? The sooner she figures it out, the happier you'll be!

[Veronica]

This could have been my blog post from when my daughter was the same age. (minus the infertility).

It is hard.. It sucks ass. It changes. It doesn't necessarily get 'easier' but it gets different.

To stop my daughter rolling in her sleep (she would get all freaked out if she woke on her belly) I used to fold 2 bunny rugs into small rectangles and wedge one on either side of her. It took her ages to be able to roll over the top of them (she was like 10 mths old by then).

[swissmiss]

A kind commenter on my blog said, when I made the same comment about complaining post-infertility, that the demands of caring for a small person are the demands of caring for a small person no matter how they got there. Complain away. It was oddly liberating to hear. So. Here goes. The demands of caring for a small person are the demands of caring for a small person, no matter how she got there. Complain away.

[Anna]

I find the nighttime demands of my own small person pretty hard to take, even though she is a hard-won treasure also.

Unfortunately, after 11 months of the answer to the 'how is she sleeping?' question being either 'really shitty, thanks;' or 'slightly less shitty, thanks.' everyone is tired of hearing it and I'm tired of saying it.

So complain away while you can still be bothered and while people are still sympathetic*. Hopefully Botany will sort her sleeping out more quickly than my own cherub has. I've stopped expecting/hoping for her to improve now; I just slog through the nights, focussed on one minute at a time. And I nap when I can.

*Real life people, I mean. I bet us loyal Mare fans will continue to be sympathetic as long as necessary.

[MsPrufrock]

I had no idea what sleep regression was until P decided that sleep regression was de rigueur at 8 months. It.sucked. I'm expecting the 18 month regression to rear its ugly head any moment now and I'm NOT looking forward to it.

In regard to complaining, you have just as much right as anyone else to complain about the less fortunate aspects of parenting. Anyone that disagrees can go away.

[Aunt Becky]

My Alex is a terrible sleeper as well, and you know what? No matter how much I wanted/prayed/tried for his conception, it doesn't make me any less unrested or unhappy when he's being a demon. And it doesn't make me a bad parent to blow off steam about him, just like it doesn't make you one either.

[Anne]

I read somewhere that the way chronic sleep deprivation affects your brain is that it basically shuts off the frontal lobe (that part of us that's reasonable and logical) and therefore the part of your brain that is left in control is the limbic system, better known for its fits of rage and sadness. (I realize I'm oversimplifying horribly here, but reading this study made me feel so relieved that my moodiness and fly-off-the-handle rages and crying jags had a good, biological reason behind them.)

There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture device! It sucks, sucks, sucks. Being on the other side of infertility does not make it suck less while it is happening (although it might help big-picture-wise).

One foot in front of the other. And remember to breathe.

[Lut C.]

You have the right to blow of steam!

[Alex]

Beyond what everyone else has said, I like to think that the older you are when you are parenting your infant, the less energy you have to deal with it. I can't prove it, but I would bet it's true. And since almost by definition we infertiles became parents later than we wanted to, well, there you go. We have MORE reason to complain.

Yes, it's dreadful. So much better than not having an infant to keep us awake at all hours of the night, but dreadful nonetheless. Good luck to you.

I have no idea what a bunny rug is, but in the US they make these little stay-on-your-back pillows that I used with my little one for awhile. You can see a picture of the type I bought, here: http://www.amazon.com/Munchkin-Cool-Flow-Back-Sleeper/dp/B000CNR7HO. It has mesh/holes for ventilation and is adjustable and quite firm. Assuming such a thing can be bought in the UK, maybe it would help with the flipping over problem?

[Alex]

Oh, dang, the link in my post above got cut off and doesn't work. But if you go to amazon.com (the US site) and type "cool flow back sleeper" in the search it will pop up immediately.

[Anna H.]

sweets -- you *do* need to be able to vent. and a history of infertility doesn't mean that the hard parts of having a little baby aren't hard...

sleep deprivation basically sucks ass and makes everything harder. but it will get better, i promise!

wish i had advice or handy tips, but all i have are kisses.

[B. Mare]

Can I just say how groovy it is that there is a product actually named the "Munchkin Cool Flow Back Sleeper". I want to buy one just because it makes me chuckle every time I say it. Although apparently you're not supposed to use them past 6 months (which is in, er, two weeks) or when the babe learns to roll freely (which is now.)- unless of course you are an actual Munchkin in which case I am guessing they can make an exception.

[April]

It just still startles me that she's old enough to be doing all this rolling over on her own.

[allison]

I offer no advice...it seems all babies require just enough different approaches to make one person's miracle fix not work for anyone else. I have 4 of my own, and not ONE trick for one worked for another.

That being said, I hope I don't offend commenting here, as I do not know the pain of infertility. I just know that no matter how your baby arrived into your arms, that baby can so amazingly maddening, so frustrating, so exhausting, that you can finally understand why some parents eventually snap and shake a baby dangerously. Just as long as you don't, your entitled to all the feelings that come your way. ESPECIALLY with sleeplessness. The entire world, even your precious baby, sucks ass when you get that bleeping tired.

I guess I'm just trying to say, and I hope I say it clearly enough, that I think, any one of us with a baby feels guilty to complain. Those with infertility must more so, (I hope I'm not speaking out my a** here) but again, no matter how baby came to be, they are great, tremendous gifts, that can make us want to poke out our eardrums with a Philips head. Such intense emotions are bound to swing wildly, up AND down.

All any other mother can say, really, is hang on. The love of her will pull you through, even if feels only by the slightest amount of skin from the last remaining tooth in your head (other teeth being destroyed by constant gnashing). You can do it.

[Sassy]

Man, that's got to suck. I hope things settle down and you have a happier bub and a more rested you soon.

[JennaM]

Nate got happier after learning to roll over to his tummy (though he never liked prescribed tummy time), but it will be no time a'tall that she's doing both directions, and then skipping more night feedings... and then sleeping 12 hours at a stretch--woo hoo! You thought you couldn't possibly love her more? Wait until you get to sleep through the night again, AND have your morning coffee with no one on your lap... that's love.