Barren Mare

Zzzzzzz Wakey wakey zzzzz

Right, one more post about sleep and then I promise I will diversify and talk about something else for a bit, like poop or preparing for a transatlantic flight.

As I mentioned earlier, in attempting to sort out the early waking problem, based on Ferber's assertion that most babies are really capable of only so much time in bed per night, I realised we should look at Botany's overall sleep schedule.

Now, I know a lot of people say a later bedtime is not the answer- particularly based on the Weissbluth approach that "sleep begets sleep". Except in Botany's case, we'd been operating on this sort of early bedtime philosophy without much success. Up until recently, she was going to bed around 6.30pm and no later than 7pm. In addition to the night wakings, she always seemed to wake up about 5.30 am no matter what, then go back to sleep once I brought her up into bed with us until about 7am. After reading Ferber, I wondered if maybe the problem was that she just isn't able to sleep that much at night and I decided to try to push her bedtime back a bit later to see if might result in either reduction of the night wakings or else a slightly later wake up time.

My aim was to shoot for a 7.30 pm bedtime and see if that made any difference. According to Ferber's approach, in order for the shift to work, this would also mean moving everything else a bit later, including all the naps, and then sticking to those times regardless of whether any of the sleep over the course of the 24 hour was disrupted.

Except...unfortunately, I've pretty much totally failed to achieve this. We just can't seem to do it. The irony is that having struggled for months now to get this baby to go to sleep when I want her to, I find it is equally difficult trying to keep her awake when she is tired. It probably doesn't help that we take all her naps together, and as I'm usually very weary myself, I find it hard to resist the temptation to just go lie down with her. It also doesn't help if we go out in the car or the buggy or the Ergo, she'll immediately fall asleep. So basically, keeping her awake to a certain time means staying in the house-which I think we both find boring and which just creates more fretful fussiness.

As for bedtime, well- let's just say that the half hour leading up to nursing her down for the night is usually a real low point in the day. We just about get through bath time but then she is screamy hot mess while getting into her jammies. It's not particularly pleasant for E., who most often assumes these pre-bedtime duties. And as for me; I'm kind of done by then. Don't get me wrong, I love my child with the ferocity of a thousand hungry tigers. But after over twelve hours on my own with her, during which we have been together virtually every single second, much of it with her physically strapped to my body? Knowing she'll be up again at 4am wanting my attention?  Yeah. I'm ready for her to be asleep so I can have a break. So the upshot is that her bedtime presently remains as 7pm.

My question for people with later bedtime babies: HOW do you do it? I mean, what do you actually do with the child all evening to keep them up, without ensuing whiny meltdowns? Or are most babies not as fractious as this by 6.30? I suppose it must also make a difference if you're working and haven't seen the baby all day but I do wonder how others manage.   

Eventually, I realised it was probably pointless worrying about it because the time change when we travel will throw everything out of whack as it is. We're going to be in Florida for over six weeks (yeeeehaaaw!) so I'm hoping that in adjusting to the new time zone, we have a chance to remold the schedule a little bit. And I'm also hoping that it will help to have my parents on hand during the tricky parts of the day when we need to keep Botany awake. Or at least that I can hand her to my mother and hide down at the boat dock. I'll worry about what happens when we come home later.

As far as the naps go- thanks for the assurances on that front. I've try to give up fretting about it so much right now. What I realised is that although it would be nice to have a wee opportunity to "get things done" duing the day while Botany sleeps soundly in her cot, usually what I most want to do when I get a chance is...have a nap myself. So it seemed a little bit of unnecessary aggravation for everyone to endure the whole CIO palaver in an attempt to get her to sleep during the day in her bed, when in fact I quite like curling up with her-(although perhaps not two or three times a  day, and perhaps it would be somewhat preferable were she not clamped on to my right boob the entire time).

It would be nice to have some neat conclusion to all this: my child's sleep problems all solved! But in all honesty, I suspect the course of sleep will probably not run smoothly here for some time. For example, over the weekend, someone turned the switch in Botany's head to "babble mode" and all she wants to do is treat the world (or at least E., the neighbours, the cashier at the super market and the dog) to her new vocal stylings- da dada dah DAH daa um gagga da DA DAD AH DA DA. So it wasn't unexpected that she woke up at 11pm giving us all another rendition.  Being so so tired myself and still not completely over my cold, I went ahead with giving her a feed just so I could go back to bed. I also rather hoped she would then sleep longer than 4am...but it was not to be.

One day at a time. One night at a time. And trying to remember that I'll probably look back on this at some point and wonder why I was in such a hurry to sleep when there was a sweet baby for me to rock and hold.

Notes from the sleep trenches

Sorry for the delay in updating but uggggh. I'bd god anudda cold. And this time there are no family members on hand to spell me so I can get a little break during the day. It's the third time I've been sick this winter, and frankly, I am fed up. Plus, whereas before she was oblivious to my sputtering, Botany now looks alarmed and then cries every time I emit one of my frequent coughs.  That should tell you something about the ferocity of my barking hack.

Anyway. Sleep training a la Botany is best summed up as an ongoing work in progress. Because that's the thing, isn't it? Even once you have the sleep basics down, any little blip (teething, illness, travel) can throw everything out of whack again so easily. And life, as we all know,is full of little blips- (see above). Having said that, though, at the time of this writing, most nights she is going to sleep on her own in her cot without a whimper at 6.45pm and sleeping through to...um...4.30am. Which on the face of it may not sound like a big improvement. Really though, in the big scheme of things, it is.

For all my sniping about Pantley, one helpful thing I did take from her book was the notion of thinking about sleep goals- bearing in mind that my ultimate ideal of 12 hours of continual slumber on 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets, followed by breakfast in bed served by Eric Bana my adoring partner is probably not on the cards. So, working toward reasonable, achievable goals, here is what I came up with when we began sleep training.

1. Bedtime-ideally between 7-7.30 pm but more importantly, enough of this business of nurse-to-sleep then sneaking out then going back in half an hour later and doing it all again when she wakes up. As she was inevitably doing.

2. Night feeding-

(a) dropping the 10.30-11pm dreamfeed, on the basis that she doesn't really need it and it's not constructive to have routine night wakings for feeding at her age. Plus it means I can go to bed at a reasonable hour.

(b) no more than one night feed between midnight and 4am, and going straight back to sleep afterwards. 

3. Waking for the day no earlier than 6am.

4.  Napping- in the cot at least once a day for an hour.    

Now, one thing I liked about Ferber's method is his suggestion that although both sleep associations and night- time hunger issues need to be addressed at some point, you don't necessarily need to do both at the same time.  Handy, since you'll perhaps surmise from the above that I had decided I would continue with one night feeding, at least for the time being.

My reasoning was this: firstly, it seemed to me that if Botany sleeps from 7pm to 4am, it would perhaps not be unexpected that she might be be hungry after 9 hours. I know the official line is that babies her age can probably go a bit longer. However, a recent visit to the health visitor indicated to me that Botany is perhaps tending to the slim side, with her weight dropping a bit since we started solids. She's doing not badly on the solid stuff but not exactly packing it away yet and I'm not going to force feed her. My view on it is that until she is older and a wee bit heavier, I'll continue to provide a night feeding, if she asks for it, as long as it is a reasonable stretch of time since she went down. I figure it can't hurt in terms of keeping up milk supply, either.   

The other main factor is that the notion the idea of doing any sort of sleep training which involves the baby crying for any length of time at 4am makes me want to stick my head in a blender. Four o'clock in the morning? Crying?  Nooooooo. One day, we may need to go there, but until then...no. Just...no.

The other thing I quite liked about Ferber's approach is that when dealing with the sleep association issues, you don't necessarily need to stop doing things like nursing the baby into a stupor at bedtime- as long as you ensure that the baby goes down awake (or at least enough so to know she is being put into the cot). To which I say, huzzah! I like solutions which include things that are currently working. (Disclaimer: Ferber does point out that if it's causing a real problem, bedtime and nursing may need to be separated a bit further, but in our case, it ain't broke, so...)

So- the plan is: still nursing almost-to-sleep and still feeding in the night (once). You with me? 

Interestingly, the sleep association part of the approach proved surprisingly easy. The first night, she cried half heartedly and with decreasing intensity for about 40 minutes. Then she rolled over, grabbed her lovey and fell asleep. Compared to the previous banshee howling, it was a walk in the park.  The next night she grizzled slightly for about five minutes. And then the third night -and every night since-straight to sleep. I actually put her down now with the little bedroom light still on, then rattle about for a bit shutting the curtains before kissing her goodnight. She looks up at me, her eyes roll back into her head and she's out. It's fantastic. And no sneaking about! 

Dropping the eleven pm dreamfeed on the other hand, proved a little bit more problematic. It took about a week and some slightly more hideous crying sessions, one lasting...well, a long time.  Longer than we would have liked. But this brings us to a very key point: in my experience, it is important to be clear that if you are going to adopt an approach which involves behavioural modification, then it is absolutely crucial to be consistent and see it through.  Letting the baby cry for half an hour or whatever and then going in to feed /rock/etc. is a bad idea, because it sends a conflicting message and at the end of the day, you've achieved nothing other than misery all around. As Ferber says, you might as well just go ahead and feed the baby in the first place and skip the crying altogether.   

In order to work to the overall sleep goals without being a rigid ogre about it, what I find is essential is an assessment at each wake-up of what is needed to get her back to sleep as well as what we are prepared to do (or put up with). Has she just gone down, clean, fed, burped and cosy?  Has she woken up because she's rolled into a weird spot but is otherwise fine?  Has she woken up scared because the dog just barked his fool head off at something?  Is she possibly hungry?  Is she maybe teething or sick? Is it 5am and she'll be up for the day in an hour or so anyway? And above all, if we start down the road of doing a controlled crying session, are we up for seeing it through, even if it means two hours of wailing?

If for whatever reason the answer to the last one is no, then we just don't go there. Admittedly, that too risks sending something of an inconsistent message in the larger scheme of things. But what I have found is that as long we stick to the basic rule of thumb: that is, as long she goes to sleep on her own in her crib, then it usually doesn't matter so much how we get there- even if it occasionally means picking up for a cuddle, back-rubbing or feeding.      

Anyway. With some reluctance, the dreamfeed was dropped, and I was correct in thinking she doesn't appear to have really needed it after all, since she seems quite happy to sleep through until at least 4.30 or so. It does seem that dealing with the sleep association issue was the key, since now when she wakes up (as she does do several times a night) she seems able to put herself back to sleep without too much trouble.

So: goals 1 and 2 are met- for the most part, since we do have the odd night where it doesn't all go to plan. Goals 3 and 4 remain...aspirational.  The change in the sleep scheduling, which I think may be required in order to reach number 3, has not been terribly successful (more on that next time).

As for naps? Oh, bah. Bah and boo. I don't feel too badly about it because Ferber reassures me that daytime nap associations can be separated from nighttime sleep associations, so basically, I've given up on fixing the nap thing for the time being. But please, could someone tell me I am not the only person whose baby will only nap either in the buggy or with a boob in her mouth? Because I do feel like a bit of failure on that front.

And now I'bd off to blow my stuffy dose. Oh, and did I mention we're getting on a plane to Florida next week?  Botany's first international flight: the prospect of which fills me with some trepidation and for which I really, really need to be feeling better than I am now. 

Solving my child's sleep problems

"In particular, there should be no sneaking about."

                 - Dr Richard Ferber, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems

Ah. Ferber. Dr Richard Ferber. Richard. May I call you Richard?  I bet some people call you Dick, but let's not go there.

First of all, I am glad I read the book. It would have been easy to write off Ferber as the "CIO guy"; but as people have already commented, that description is actually inaccurate and somewhat unfair. Admittedly, going the Ferber route will almost invariably involve some crying; his basic approach involves changing the baby's learned behaviours and that usually entails a certain amount of resistance from the child.  However as I discovered, there is a lot more to it than simply letting the baby cry herself to sleep.

After he explains in some detail (but clearly, I thought) the biology of sleep; that is, how infant and adult sleep cycles work, Ferber goes on to identify possible causes of sleep problems. And there were three points here that made me go "a-ha!". Or at least, "Ah. Hmmm."    

Sleep associations:

You know, I had heard all about sleep associations almost as as soon as Botany was born. The post-natal group had a whole session on sleep, featuring dire predictions courtesy of the practice nurse. God forbid, you nursed the baby to sleep or drove around with her in the car seat! Because that would be the only way you'd ever get that kid to sleep! Then what would you do! You'd have to go out at 2am in the car!

I remember hearing all this and rolling my eyes, thinking it was a lot of complete bollocks. And sure enough, for the first five months or so, nursing to sleep worked a treat. OK, so she woke up sometimes about an hour after I put her down and I'd have to go back in and nurse her down again for ten mintues or so, and maybe another or twice a night, but she needed to eat anyway, and always went straight back down afterwards and what was all this fuss about sleep associations. Humpfh.

Except...oh. Right. Rolling over, etc, arrived and then it turned into waking three times a night or more and not going straight back down.

Enter Ferber. He uses a helpful analogy to explain what may be going on. Imagine you go to sleep every night with your cosy duvet and pillow, and then someone comes in while you are sleeping and  steals your pillow. Not only that, but they move your sleeping bod to the living room floor and lock you out of your bedroom. So when you wake up (as you will certainly do, since everyone experiences partial wakings during the night), you find yourself cold, uncomfy and pissed off- on the living room floor! And of course you'd be crying for someone to come let you back into your bedroom. Because how the hell are you supposed to sleep on the damn floor? Bastards stole your pillow!

Ferber's point is that it's a recipe for disaster when you use props such as nursing or rocking to get the baby to sleep, then quietly sneak away; because invariably, the wee one is disconcerted to wake up to find things have changed. His method stresses that the baby has to go to sleep, on her own, so that there are no nasty surprises later on in the night when she needs to put herself back to sleep. And you know- given the pattern of Botany's wake-ups, this suddenly made a lot of sense to me. (I know Pantley also talks about sleep associations but evidently not as clearly, since I didn't get it at all. Probably by that point I was glazed over from reading endless anecdotes about "her little Coleton".) 

So step one: change the sleep association. In other words, get Botany to go to sleep on her own in her cot without the boob- so that when she wakes in the night, she doesn't need the boob to go back down.

Night time feedings:

Stop feeding the baby! says Doc F.  His advice is that babies of a certain age can go for so many hours without food and don't need to be chowing down in the night. In fact, it may screw with their digestive systems and contribute to their sleeplessness. If the baby is waking up repeatedly for food, it may be because she has formed the habit of eating at those times. He says it's fine to go on feeding the baby if you want to, but it's a choice, not a biological necessity.

I confess I cringed a bit at this one. Again, not a new concept but one I resisted, because I am not totally comfortable with the the idea of some expert making sweeping generalisations about how much my daughter needs to eat. And if there is any doubt that she might be looking for a feed, I simply cannot bear to think of my baby lying there crying and hungry.  However, on closer reflection, I had to concede that in our case, he may be on the right track with this one, too. For some weeks now, Botany has been waking up bang on the hour of the dreamfeed, then barely eating anything. Same with the 4am wake up.

Step two- cut out all routine night feeds (for example the dreamfeed) and try to cut down on any other unnecessary feeds. At least, that is the theory. Unfortunately, and rather mindfuckingly, Ferber points out that at least intially when making this change, the baby WILL probably be hungry because she is used to eating (even if she doesn't NEED the food). Which brings me back to real unease at a possibly hungry baby lying there crying. Ferber does offer a method whereby you try to stretch the time between feeds-though it's not entirely clear how you are meant to fill the hours of interval with a wakeful, hungry baby. Cuddling? Crying? A rousing chorus of "Wheels on the Bus"?    

Sleep scheduling:

Firstly, take a reality check on how long the baby actually needs to sleep, sez our man Richard F. This idea of sleeping a full 12 hours a night, with three or so hours of napping during the day? Nope. According to the doctor, the average amount of sleep over a 24 hour period for a baby of Botany's age is about 13.5 hours. He claims most babies sleep about 10 hours a night and 2-3 hours during the day- but that can vary depending on the child and what sort of sleep schedule they are on. What I found useful here was to keep a rough log of Botany's sleep patterns for a couple of days to see how much (and when) she was actually asleep. The result startled me somewhat. She goes to bed about 6.45 pm every night. Factoring in all the wake-ups for night feeds, she was sleeping about 9 or so hours. Regardless of when she was last fed at night, her standard wake up time was about 5am, whereupon I would bring her into bed and we would all snooze until 7-7.30am. Overall, it works out at about 11.5 hours. Then three naps during the day of 45 minutes each. Result: she is sleeping an average number of hours (13.5ish) but the sleep is not as consolidated as it could be.

Step three: fiddle with the sleep schedule to see if night time sleep (and thereafter naps) can be possibly be consolidated. Ferber also stresses that any such changes need to take into account the schedule across the whole 24 hour period. It's not enough to, say, just move bedtime later. 

There we go- three succinct steps to sleep heaven!  Sounds so easy and straightforward, no?  Next time, I'll tell you how it's actually going.   

Sleepless in Achandanachochterchaocter

This is a very quick update; lest you think I have run screaming into the sleepless night. No, we are actually just having our short break away- we ended up booking something at the last minute. In the middle of nowhere! The arse end of arse in the Highlands! In February! When nothing is open! When it rains all the time!  On the upside, the house we rented is absolutely gorgeous (with underfloor heating, ahhhh. Love it.) And it does have an internet connection. However, as the car was absolutely crammed to the gunnels with all our dog & baby crap, we only brought the one computer (E.'s). Thus I have not been at liberty to spend the usual amount of time churning out guff painstakingly crafting blog entries.

We're heading home tomorrow and I will try to write of our ongoing sleep saga then. Progress has been...uneven.  Of course, going away at this juncture was probably not the cleverest of moves. Wait, strike that as well. It was more like downright stupid in terms of trying to adhere to a routine and develop good, consistent nightime sleep habits for Botany. Oh well.  She seems to be enjoying the change of scene, plus all the walks in the effingfreezing bracing fresh air, which makes delightful little roses of colour bloom on her sweet chubby cheeks. Even if it doesn't necessarily assist in helping her sleep any better at night.