Feel the fear (and cook it anyway)

A couple of years ago, E. and I were also on the verge of splitting up, and someone imparted a useful truism to me which has stuck in my head ever since. That is, when a relationship ends, once you get past the initial shock, grief and the overpowering sense of crappiness, often times what you are left with is mainly just...fear.  Fear of being alone. Fear of the unknown. Fear of having to take on unfamiliar yet essential tasks which the other person always used to deal with and which you either have NO CLUE how to tackle or else are just extremely reluctant to do so.

In my case, there were two of the latter: cooking and driving. The driving issue is a whole other post in itself, so let's start with all things food preparation.

Up until two weeks ago, I think I could have been best described as an indifferent cook. I like eating food as much as the next person but the whole fandango of reading cookbooks and planning meals and making grocery lists and going to the store and lugging it all home and doing all the chop chop chopping/mixing of ingredients and prodding it in the oven? Yawn. The only part I enjoyed was the leaning against the kitchen counters drinking of a glass of nice wine, and frankly, I didn't even need to excuse of cooking to do that. Oh, and I didn't mind doing the washing up because I find there is something pleasing about dishes in soap and hot water.

When I met E., I was so lackadaiscal about food that my dinner would quite often consist of a bowl of noodles with some sort of half-assed jar of sauce thrown on top of it and some hunks of cheese melted through it, since I was too disinterested to even grate it. In hindsight, it was fairly disgusting but I was too busy reading at the kitchen table to take much notice. However, E. was, quite rightly, appalled; he referred to it as "pasta and goop". Since E. likes cooking, especially if someone else does the washing up, he then just naturally assumed the mantle of house chef and we took it from there. I was absurdly grateful that somebody else was making my dinner every night, especially since it was always yummy. I was eating better than I ever had before. And if the trade off was doing pretty much everything else around the house, well, so be it. I even justified it by telling myself that I was "terrible" at cooking and he was so good at it and why even bother to change that particular staus quo?

Except, well. Looky here, eight years later and I'm here on me ownie-o and I still get hungry in the evening for something other than goop. 

As with everything else, the presence of Botany has spurred me on to do better and to find some confidence to tackle the food thing once and for all. Truth is, even before E. left, I was finding that in order to keep Botany's sweet chubby legs from withering to husks, I was suddenly having to think about food in new and different ways. I was handling all her food preparation, and to my astonishment, I was quite enjoying it. I'd throw something together and put it in front of her, and the exception of the recent toast strike, she would eat it with relative gusto. Food, I realised, was not and did not necessarily have to be rocket science. So this was a notion that had been marinating for awhile, although it was not compelling enough for me to start doing any of the non-baby cooking.

Then E. left- fairly abruptly- for those of you following along at home. At some point during the initial stages, I actually whimpered, "but who is going to cook my dinnnnner," before giving myself a sharp slap around the head and vowing that like everything else, I would just have to get on with it. Albeit I thought it would be in a grudging, goop-regressive fashion. 

But one day a couple of weeks ago, my mother arrived at the house with a box. "Whassat?" I asked, looking askance at what I thought was a bit of new clutter on my countertop.  "It's a crockpot,"she said proudly and waved the recipe book at me. I flipped through it and saw things like "goulash" and "oriental pork" and shuddered. However, after watching her demonstrate the preparation of a simple chili con carne, I began to mull it over. Cooking that involved throwing a bunch of stuff in a pot, flicking a switch and leaving it for 6-8 hours before retrieving a tasty hot meal? Hell. Even I could probably manage that.

As a little experiment (la la la), I decided to try a recipe found at this great site for thai green chicken curry. I am very fond of curry, enough so that I thought I could be sufficently motivated to seek out and use what I might otherwise consider fiddly ingredients, like coconut milk and ginger. And ooooh, guess what? It was completely fabulous. I made enough to feed myself and my parents a delicious dinner, with lots of leftovers the next day to try out on Botany. Having tasted the chicken, she proceeded to gobble it up making happy little piggy noises as if she hadn't eaten anything other than milk and toast for a week (um).

Next up was a easy, simple, verrrry slow cook stew thing, which again met with the Botany stamp approval and which I consumed thinking, "damn, this is mighty tasty" and wondering why it had taken me so long to learn how to cook.  Answer? Fear mixed with a tablespoon of laziness and garnish of complacency.

Well, no longer. I may have lost the chef I once adored but I've gained the love of a good crockpot. That, my friends, is a dish well worth waiting for. 

Comments

[Becky]

Okay, I'm going to have to follow in your footsteps and buy myself one of those. You've convinced me. I may need that curry recipe.

[Laurie]

You are an inspiration. I truly admire your positive attitude. There is sunshine through the clouds.

[Sarah]

amen

[Jen]

Glad your initial foray into crockpot cookery went well! There are so many great recipes you can adapt to use in there, and I would think in such a generally chilly climate, the warm dishes when you get home would be especially welcome!

[Anna H.]

Ha! The same thing happened to me when Bobo and I were separated -- who knew that I would love cooking and even find it relaxing?

This is what's around the corner for you: you're going to start looooooooving food. I've always enjoyed it, but it's so much more fun now; you've already discovered the joy of feeding someone you love.

I'm sending you some of my very favorite newbie recipes, which I think Botany will like as well.

(This is only the beginning of these wonderful discoveries, you know).

xxoo

[Nicole]

I love you and am so happy things are starting to improve. Go you!

[Boulder]

You have to love a mom who rather than gifting you a set of eleventy-billion pans and lids, recognizes the simplicity that a single pot with a simple switch brings to a woman in the throws of major life changes. A single pot is a lot easier of a "baby-step" to take away from the fear and in to the realm of enjoying the preparation of interesting, deliciious, satisfying, satiating meals.

Cooking can be art and can be therapy. Don't fear it, rise up to the joys it can bring in self sufficiency and satiating your own needs.

Have you visited http://www.startcooking.com for ideas? It is a great place to get some good tips, and watch videos that are more entertaining *and a tad juvenile, which with wine may be entertaining* than the usual, dry cooking sites.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

The one thing I look forward to about the onset of winter is that I drag my stockpot out of the cupboard and settle down to months of warming... well, I call them stews, but in truth, I just chuck anything that needs using up in there, and see what happens. Some meals have worked better than others!
I do hope you find that some of the other insurmountable-looking obstacles left in E's wake are similarly flimsy when tackled aggressively. Purely in respect of the barriers posed by driving, though: walls are in fact solid and should not be approached at speed!

[Kristin]

Crockpots are fabulous when you have kids! Glad you are finding your way.

[Laura]

Looking forward to the driving post. I'm phobic and don't drive. But it never made me feel like such a loser before I had a kid.

[sheilah]

I love my crockpot. It really is that easy. Dump junk in pot in morning. Eat yummy dinner at night.

I am glad that you are adjusting to E's absence.

[JK]

I'm thinking it is good you don't mind dishes. I despise doing dishes. I wish I didn't. The piles are sometimes embarrassing.

[JK]

p.s. thanks for the recipe links!!!!!!!!! :-)

[Amyesq]

Oh excellent! Once you go crockpot, you never want to go back. I have a few rather tasty recipes I could sent too. One I have a spare few minutes, which should be sometime in 2010.

[seepi]

hhmm - must buy crockpot!!

I actually love cooking, but who has time after work?

I hate dishes, but that is what the dishwasher is for.

and I really really hate driving = I'm with you on that one.

[Anne]

Mare-

Just checked in on you after a few months off only to discover you're once more handling an awful situation with great aplomb. And as usual, I really admire your willingness to put your story out there. With soo many IRL friends we only see the shiny wrapping paper, not all the shit in the box. And so it's easy to feel that everyone else has a life of ribbons and bows. Thanks for your honesty and your example of grace under pressure.

[Bella T]

I am sure you are a much better cook than you give yourself credit for. Hope you have some fun rediscovering the joys of eating what you actually fancy rather than what someone has made (even if that is sort of convenient).

[4katnap]

Ah one day I predict that you will invite E over for a lovely dinner cooked by you and he will be shocked by what he is missing. Too bad too late! LOL! You are doing great and it's really great to see you suprise yourself with how well you can handle life. Give your mom a big kiss for the crock pot and remember if you can cook in a crock pot you can cook, period. You might even be able to inspire others and write aobut your adventures in cooking. A nice book about learnign to cook woudl be cool

[Jen]

If I could marry my crockpot I would. I'm glad you've found an easy way to cook for you and Botany. There are a million recipes out there for all sorts of delish dishes, so keep trying them!

[Lut C.]

A crockpot you say, must find out what that is.

[MsPrufrock]

I'm an ambivalent cook too. My Mom swears by crockpots but I remained unconvinced until reading this post. You're way cooler than my Mom. I also want to type "crackpot", so this is something I should work on.

The driving thing I desperately want to hear more about. It seems every ex-pat I know (of) drives, and I'm too much of a wuss to venture into that territory. Reassure me please that learning to drive would be a good thing.

[crockpot lady]

Thank you for linking to my site! I'm glad that you have discovered the love and ease of crockpot cooking. I don't like making dinner at dinner time---but I love being able to "play" in the morning when I am still heavily caffeinated.

xoxo
steph

[Zip n Tizzy]

Crock pots are fabulous!
I really love mine. But I could use some new recipes so thanks for the link.