One is one and all alone and evermore will be so

With the move approaching, I feel like the days are passing in a whirlwind; I've been chipping away at the packing, but it still seems there is much to be done. My mother takes Botany out for walks in the pram so I can spend a little time in the nursery, going through the closet and extracting piles of baby things- boxing up what we need and putting the rest into bags for friends' children or else the charity shop. On one level, it feels good to purge- I've tried, very hard, in recent years to resist becoming a hoarder and there is something so satisfying about ruthlessly paring things down. On the other hand, I find myself experiencing immense, complicated sadness at the process.

Last year, not long after we brought Botany home, E. and I had a discussion about whether we would ever want to have another baby. I remember sitting on the bar stool at the kitchen counter during this chat, having just put a colicky Botany to bed with dried milk stains on the front of my shirt, unwashed hair and exhaustion so overwhelming that I wanted to expire right then and there. Given that I was experiencing hefty doses of that postpartum sensation entitled "oh holy crap, what have I done?", the whole concept of a second child was a little...shall we say, unwelcome. Aside from the possible spectre of secondary infertility, I was- in short- not keen. Even before Botany's birth, I was fairly firmly in the camp that I really only wanted one child. Which is why during our infertility years, it was all the more infuriating (I thought) that I couldn't seem to get pregnant with one, just one.  

"Would you be hugely disappointed if we didn't have another baby?" I asked, swabbing at the milk stains.

"I'd be disappointed if we didn't try," E. said. 

We left it there, probably because Botany woke up and started crying. And that was as far as we got- I don't think the subject really ever came up again- probably because it quickly became evident that it was a struggle to cope with one little sleepless, fretful person and because by the time I had gotten myself back on an even keel, E. was already halfway out the door (and then left altogether, since it was becoming apparent we were not going to be doing much of anything together any more, never mind having a second child).    

In some ways, I am relieved that it's not a decision I have to make now. In all honesty, I am not sure what I would have wanted to do. A huge part of me thinks that I would have remained of the view that a single child was right for me and for us. That given my age and our history, we would have had to start trying much sooner than I would have ideally liked. That having two small children (especially if the second was as spirited and challenging as Botany) would have been daunting at best and at worst overwhelming and unhappy.

Then, as Botany started outgrowing things, I also found myself quietly retaining a small stockpile of a few of the gender neutral baby clothes, plus one or two of my favourite outfits. Just in case, I thought at the time. Never say never. So I would keep the cherry blossom onesie she wore on the day we brought her home. Keep the little orange organic cotton stripey nightgown with matching knotted hat and bib. Save the little flowery dress that L. gave us, and the party frock with the red ribbon and cherries which S. sent. Her little brown suede Mary Jane shoes. The vest with the embroidered lamb. The sleepsuit with the blue dog on it that E. brought back from New York. 

Saving these things, just in case, never say never, just in case. And as the small pile grew, I became wary, since the chances seemed high that no matter what my wishes might be, I might not get a say in the matter. As it happens, it seems I was right about, only not quite for the reasons I anticipated. Now, I know life is strange, and unexpected things occur, not to mention that I'm still only (just about) 38 and well...who knows. At the same time, I think I have to let the idea go; have to accept that the likelihood is that Botany is and ever more will be so my only baby. Given my earlier ambivalence about having more children coupled with my profound appreciation that I was lucky to have one at all, I am hopeful that in time I will feel completely at ease about the whole thing. But at the moment, it feels a little painful and sad to put aside the bulk of the small clothes, to put aside the possibility of what might have been and focus on the what-is. 

I'm still keeping the special clothes, though- since someday Botany might want to see some of the things chosen with the hope of her, with care for her, with all the love I have for my one, precious baby. 

Comments

[Sam]

I just showed the "special things" to my Chicken a few days ago. He is almost 12 and I am so glad that I kept them.

[Clover]

Yes, try not to think of it as "saving for another" but "saving a piece of her past"- it amazes me to look at the tiny outfits my kids fit into and now are smaller than my oldest's torso. Damn it though, I'm sorry you are dealing with so much loss at once.

[Kristin]

If you really can't bear to part with them, have someone make them into a patchwork quilt for you. Then you can remember all the times she wore those wonderful outfits.

You are dealing with so very much right now and it might help to do something like this.

[jennifer]

Green grow the rushes, ho! I love that you quoted that lyric. When I was a little girl, my mother used to play that song on the piano and we'd sing it together. I've always adored it. She saved my baby clothes and little drawings and took a million photos of my brothers and me (I've got those things now, and treasure them). Every family, regardless of make-up or number of children, is its own little civilization, with special traditions and secret words and specific policies. You clearly cherish your child, and that is the most important thing.
Your writing is lovely. I read your post on cooking (SO AGREE!) - then lost you - and was thrilled to see you in the Blogher listing.
I'm just under you, BTW.

[Jen]

I think it's absolutely NORMAL to want to save some baby outfits. I was so glad when my mother showed me a few of mine and my sisters. Botany will be thrilled to see them as she gets older!

[MothersofBrothers]

Ah - the other mother of brothers weighing in because my Mom ALSO sang Green Grow the Rushes Ho to me!! Although in my adult head the lyrics were something like "one is one is all alone and ever macho pico!!" hee hee.

I have two boys and am done with having children but I can not give away my crib "just in case". I just recently gave away alot of the baby clothes save the special outfits I just couldnt part with. It was hard. Keep them for a long while because you never know -- and it makes you feel good to have them. And you should feel good. Truly.

[Orodemniades]

Yes. I hate the thought of the Chieftain being an only child...and not only for him, because there's a lot of pressure, being an only child, but for myself and Mr Oro as well. I, too, am trying to rid myself of his clothing that I don't like, but it's hard.

I sing the title of this post nearly every day to the Chieftain.

[Cibele]

Never say never, I am learning this lesson as well. I have much adimiration for you, you are handling everything with so much grace, you are an awesome mom and woman. HUGS

[Sarah]

Keep the clothes--I loved touching the pj's I came home from the hospital in. All of this excavation bring so much emotion to teh surface.

[Amyesq]

I get it. So much. Even though I have two, they are still going through everything only once. Are we already finished with weensy things? Did I already have the last First Birthday I'll ever celebrate? I don't know. I think we both already know what folly it is to plan anything, so I am just going to ignore it.

[OvaGirl]

Hey you. Have just caught up. Good lord.

xxx

[Qtpies7]

It is still hard for me, after 7 children, to even imagine that I may never have another. It greives me that my child-bearing days may be over. Despite having 7 natural children, we do have fertility issues that make it difficult, and then add in my age not going backward, but rather spiralling ever forward, we just don't have an easy time of making them.
So, I have made the decision to give away all my baby clothing this month. At the very least it would be tempting fate to hand us another child, and that would be welcome, even if I have to go buy all new clothes!

[VHMPrincess]

I have saved EVERY ITEM.