Realignment

When the dust settles after a crisis, there can be such a strange, breathless calm.  All the endless energy spent shoring up the battlements, fighting the fires, rebuilding from the ground up after the siege- where does that go when suddenly everything comes to a halt, when peace is restored?  I'm glad to be getting back to a more normal state of being, but I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, heart pumping in panic; until I remember where I am- safe in my flat with Botany down the hall.  I'm so used to be in constant chaos mode over the last several months, I hardly know what to do with myself now.  Time to get back to knitting, I think, an outlet for restless hands and a fretful mind. And dancing around the living room and cooking and catching up with friends and writing and lavishing affection on people I love.     

 

Botany has started sleeping through more regularly until 5am. It's not perfect, but I'll take it. Considering she goes down with nary a whimper at 7pm on the dot most nights, it seems not the worst trade off in the world.

 

There is the prospect of a weekend away on my own; my parents have offered to take her. Having been on hand for so many bathtimes and the odd bit of babysitting when I do need to go out, they have the bedtime routine down to an art form, and Botany will go to sleep without nursing down if my mother deals with it. My mother also regularly wakes up at the crack of dawn anyway so it wouldn't be a huge problem in that regard.  I am very daunted at the notion of being away from my baby for two! whole! nights! but at the same time, the notion of being able to sleep in as late as I want for the first time in over a year is proving very, very appealing. It also seems to me to be an important step to take, as part of the realignment of myself as an individual with my self as a mother.   

 

On a more practical note, I have no idea where all the bits of the breast pump have gotten to- I haven't expressed in months and months. On the rare times when I felt the need to do it just to keep myself from exploding (i.e. the first couple days when I was back at work), I just did it by hand. But I am wondering perhaps something more industrial might be required to cope with being away for two nights.  I have no intention of weaning by accident but I have no idea how much I'd need to express to keep things ticking along. At this point, I also have no idea how much Botany is actually consuming; much of the time she seems to be comfort nibbling rather than eating. Which is fine by me, but I would hate for her to latch on and discover that the well had run dry when she was in fact looking for some actual sustenance. If anyone out there has any tips or stories about leaving a nursing thirteen month old for the first time, I'd be glad to hear it.

 

The other breastfeeding issue is more cosmetic. Due to the  positioning of my bed and a number of other factors (like Botany's own preference), I somehow ended up nursing primarily on the right side for all the naps, early morning and nursing down at night. I do try to occasionally give the left side an outing for good measure, but the truth is I'm now mainly a one-boob nursing wonder. The result is a certain amount of lopsidedness. It's not so bad that people are pointing and staring at the imbalance, but I think it is noticeable. I wore a fairly tight sweater the other day and suddenly felt a little self conscious. I suppose it could be fixed with a certain amount of diligence in nursing on both sides, and I keep meaning to do it, but we're pretty set in our nursing ways now, Botany and I.  Again, if there's anyone out there with a similar issue, do share-if you set out to correct it, how long did it take? Or did you not bother? Or am I the only freak in the village?

Comments

[Kristin]

I'm glad life is settling down and getting back to normal for you. You have been through so much.

[Sarah P.]

Your line about peace being restored reminded me of the lyrics from a song called "You and Me of the 10,000 Wars": "After the battles and we're still around. Everything once up in the air has settled down. Sweep the ashes, let the silence find us. The moment of peace is worth every war behind us."

I am glad to hear you can breathe a little easier now, and I hope that things continue to get better and better as you remember all the pieces of who you are.

[stephanie]

You are not alone in the lopsidedness issue. My second had a strong preference for one side over the other, and I never did find a solution. Now that's he's weaned, I'm more balanced again.

[The Broken Man]

2 nights away must be daunting - I can't imagine it, and our baby isn't born yet!

The Broken man

[Sara]

I had that boob problem too. Here is the relevant blog post:

http://somewhatlower.blogspot.com/2008/02/twins-not-identical-after-all.html

I got it sorted out, using methods described here:

http://somewhatlower.blogspot.com/2008/02/all-better.html

[Alex]

I traveled away from my son for the first time to a work-related conference when he was about 13 months old. As you are planning to do, I left him with grandma. It was lovely for all of us, except for the fact that I was somewhat swamped with work at/related to the conference; a non-work trip would have been better. But even absent getting to sleep in, 48 hours of being able to move around like an adult without carting around diaper bags and carseats or working to entertain/soothe/distract a tiny person while eating a restaurant meal was...divine. As was returning to his lovely little self, of course.

By 13 months, mine was getting near to weaning himself, and I had thought my trip would just accomplish that for us. I took a hand-held pump and did sort of use it once on the second morning away, but I didn't actually have a lot of success pumping yet was still annoyingly full. I nursed him when I got back home and as it turned out I did still have some milk and he did continue nursing a little for a few more weeks. How the trip affected our nursing, I'll never know -- it may have accelerated his weaning a bit, but there was a already a clear trend in that direction underway.

I hope your "adult" days away will be as lovely and refreshing as mine were. I recently did this again, this time with less work crunch, and oh boy was it wonderful.

No help on the lopsidedness, sorry!

[Alex]

Er, and just to be clear, I didn't necessarily "want" DS to wean, though I wasn't opposed to it, either...actually, at the margins I was in favor of his continuing, but he had his own opinions on this subject and was mostly losing interest by that stage.

[Melissa]

I was a right boob nurser and that was just kind of that. More than likely your left won't make as much now. As far as pumping, I'd try for every foour hours during the day and none at night unless you're woken up by engorged boobs.

I think a getaway is a great, great idea. You need it, Botany needs it. My unsolicited advice is that two nights is probably plenty. I've done this twice and each time the last few hours were really difficult. Our last trip was four nights and it was WAY too long.

Enjoy!

[caro]

Also lopsided here, and too lazy to do anything about it.

A weekend away sounds terrific. Enjoy.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Also a distinctly bigger boob here! Although I think it was a little bigger to begin with.

When the little bugger acts up in the night, it's so easy to just bring him into bed with us. He gets plonked in the middle of us, hence he always gets treated to the right boob. Same with his morning feed. I try to offer him the left one too, but there's no denying that it's a fair bit smaller.

I heard that boobs can be re-started up to a fortnight later... but that was in the pub and I'd had a couple, so maybe I'm mistaking the remark. Perhaps she actually said Frubes were being re-marketed?!

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Dear God, I looked down at my boobs today whilst walking along at a bit of a lick, and the right one is actually FUCKING GINORMOUS! How have I not seen this before? I think when I'm sat down they coalesce a bit!

[jetlagged]

Hello mare,
I haven't commented before, but I've enjoyed your blog for years. You have a gift for conveying your feelings so clearly and beautifully.

I'm moved to comment because your nursing questions are very familar to me and in my experience you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I have left all three of my nurslings for a few days at a time when travelling on business. In the days of novice motherhood I used to pump religiously. I'd then return to a baby desperate for "other side"; a baby who would choose to camp out at my boob for a couple of days until he was satisfied that the milk supply was back to normal. Later I became complacent and hand expressed when I was uncomfortable. On some trips, especially when the baby was Botany's age or older, I didn't express at all. But in every single case when I returned I was able to get back to a normal nursing relationship after a couple of marathon nursing nights. And no it didn't precipitate the end of nursing: the end of nursing is nowhere in sight for my 15 month-old or my nearly 4-year old, but I'm happy to report that my 6 year old is now weaned! Yay!

I prefer to feed lying down on my left side. I can't do it on my right for some reason. with my son I ended up with lop-sided boobs, but with my daughters I realised I could lie on my left but still feed with both boobs. You just have to lean over a little more when doing the top one. Maybe I got better at it. or maybe my boobs are so knackered and droopy now (see all of above) that it's more possible.

Enjoy your weekend away. Rarely have I come across someone who needs it more!

[JessPond]

Here from the roundup...

I'm happy to hear that someone else is lopsided!!

I haven't done anything about it...but have pondered doing something. I'm hoping that when Ethan is weaned it'll just get better? :)