Ugh. I had all these grand plans of catching up with things over the holiday period; somehow I had this fuzzy notion that being off work for a couple weeks was going to help. Oh hahaha. Instead, while my sinus infection segues neatly into another ghastly chest cold, I've been in blue arse fly mode. Last minute presents! Food for dinner! Register Botany and myself at a doctor's which does not involve a 40 minute walk and/or parking nightmare! Cards- em, yeah, those! Bake something! Wrap something! Jingle around the clock!
For extra amusement value, Botany is cutting molars top and bottom, has her own cough to contend with, and at the start of the week, was in the foulest of moods. When not screaming or throwing a raging tantrum about something mystifying (cup? no cup? that other cup? the cup is too full? not full enough? what? what? what?) she clings to me like a barnacle. And happy as I am to carry her about with my increasingly buff arms, it does get a little tricky trying to do basic life stuff, never mind Christmas preparation while toting a 16 month old about.
Anyway- I feel I need to explain myself about this post which has upset a (now apparently former) reader. Due to the general life backlog (see above) I only just got around to reading the comment, hence the delay in responding.
For the record, I apologise if I caused offence in any way. Evidently, I have. My intention was certainly not to represent the period of my life during which I struggled with infertility as "halcyon" in itself. God knows it wasn't. Rather, I was referring to the community in which I experienced a tremendous amount of support and friendship, and what it was like to be blogging then, and how it changed my life forever. Even when things were at their crappest, it made a huge difference to know that there were people out there who understood. That was the halcyon part, not the circumstances that brought us there. What Pru's blog was referencing, and what I was picking up on, is that some extent, that original sense of community from that time seems to be gone- or at least profoundly changed, and I was attempting to muse on why that is.
I would never, for one second, wish the experience of infertility on anyone, or try to depict it as a merry lark which was delightful to go through. Never. Nor have I forgotten what it was like. My heart goes out to anyone who is still struggling. For a long time, I felt like I was last one left behind, while everyone else moved on, and there is not a day that goes by when I don't feel grateful for how things turned out for me as far as being able to be a mother to Botany.
I try to be conscious of the feelings of anyone out there who may be having an IF nightmare but still somehow tunes in to read what I have to say. Personally, I couldn't hack reading parenting blogs while I was struggling with infertility for the very reasons Jen mentioned in her comment- it does hurt like hell from the other side. No matter how gracious you might be, or how much you wish the person well. You want it to be you, goddamnit, and you sit there, aching and thinking, "Why her and not me? Why?" And it's worse on the days when you sense the recipient of such good fortune is perhaps less than grateful for what they have. I am aware of that, really I am.
At the same time, the reality for me is that parenting, particularIy as a single mother, is really damn hard. There are days when I honestly don't know how I am going to hold it together to do everything that has to be done without having an exhausted breakdown. Yes, I desperately wanted this, and I got it, whereas others have not. And I realise that sucks. But what I am dealing with(the state of singlehood not being one of my choosing, I might add) is taking an immense toll on me at the moment. I try to keep a lid on what might well be perceived as whining and complaining, because hey- how is that fun to read? At the same time, there is stuff going on that I need to be honest about. Because I do enough effing grinning and bearing it with my stiff upper lip all day without coming to my personal blog and pretending everything is great all the time.
I regret if that rubs anyone up the wrong way. I just want you to know that no matter what, it is absolutely not my intention to belittle, or demean, or be insensitive to others, especially those who are in the middle of their own infertility difficulties. I'm truly sorry if anyone felt otherwise.
Next time: some good news, I promise! And until then- I wish you all peace and a happy holidays.