Leap forward, stumble back

Well, of course it didn't last. I has somehow suspected Botany's delightfully self-sufficient new sleep routine was probably going to turn out to be a relatively short-lived fluke. And I was right. A night or two after that last post (and indeed, the same night I somewhat smugly demonstrated the new bedtime routine to E.), Botany started howling about 15 minutes after going into her cot.  The first time, she sounded so distressed that I went in right away, which I wouldn't normally do. She was standing up, wild-eyed and looking very upset.

When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "Scared."

I was a bit taken aback. Firstly, that was not a word that I knew to be in her vocabulary and secondly, not an emotion that I thought she be able to articulate at this age.

"What are you scared of, darling?" I asked her, and she shyly named one of her plastic bath toys. For reasons which merit a whole other post, she has hitherto been obsessed with a collection of these particular toys, to the point of needing to have them on hand all the time, including at night in the cot.

I was somewhat incredulous that this particular item, which was resting innocently at the foot of the mattress, would have in any way inspired fear, but it does have slightly buggy eyes and a freaky grin so I decided to respect that actually, it might be scary. So I removed the toy, gave Botany a cuddle and back down she went without any more complaining. Problem solved, I reckoned.

The only catch was that on each subsequent night thereafter, the scenario was repeated, only she was no longer able to identify anything that was bothering her. Worse still, she wouldn't go to sleep after one check-in, instead lapsing into a round of fresh, hysterical weeping a few minutes every time I left the room.  Well, duh, I realised. After the first night, I remained hesitant about going in at all, knowing we may be getting into a problematic pattern, but it worried me- a lot- that she might be lying there, feeling scared. I don't think she was deliberately manipulating me that first time, but after that experience, she obviously saw a chink in the bedtime armour.

So we reverted to more traditional bedtime soothing- cuddles and rocking and indeed, the boob, until she was placed in a drowsy stupour into the cot. It's nice in some ways, since I always enjoyed our bedtime nursing and felt a little sad that it might be on the way out. But mostly, I now just feel like a gigantic failure. Here I was secretly congratulating myself that Project De-boobing might not end up being this huge battle and suddenly I find that we're right back into the old familiar pattern, which is not the direction I particularly want to be heading.

I'm also experiencing various pressure on the weaning front which is probably contributing to a general overall sense of Fail, Fail, Fail. My parents arrive for the summer in a few weeks; my mother has made it no secret that she thinks it is high time that Botany came off the boob for good. I already feel as though I have to be apologetic about the fact that we are still in a nursing relationship. It's almost as if nursing was a highly unsuitable boyfriend, who my parents really disapprove of, but who I love so much even though ultimately I know we're not meant to be and he will leave me in the end.

To compound the issue, Knox is absolutely convinced the sole reason Botany wakes up at such an ungodly hour every morning is because she wants boob. I suspect he's probably right; that said, neither of us is that keen to go through the nightmare process of ruling out the morning boob as the main contributing factor. I'm also savvy enough at this stage to know that when it comes to kids with sleep issues, there are very few magic bullets. But it makes me feel like there is another voice added to the Wean!Wean!Wean! choir, and it's growing louder every day.

I try really hard not to pick out the undertones of "if you were a proper mother, you'd have this child's behaviour modified by now," because I don't think that's necessarily what is intended. But when I'm already feeling like a failure, it's very easy to hear discord in the orchestra.  

Comments

[lb]

My guess is that if Botany were weaned, you'd still have a kid who doesn't like to sleep much, except that you'd have one less tool to soothe her. She would probably still wake up early, but instead of dozing and nursing, she'd be demanding porridge! books! games! And bedtime would be the same, only instead of rocking and nursing you'd probably have to, well, just rock. Weaning is not going to change Botany. She will still need the same too-small amount of sleep, and she will still resist sleep just the same as before. I hear you that it is hard when you are getting pressured, but it's got to be YOUR decision - yours and Botany's.

There are a couple of good LLL publications on nursing older babies. "How Weaning Happens" really comforted me when I felt like my toddler would NEVER wean. And "Mothering your Nursing Toddler" is supposed to be good, though I haven't read it myself.

Good luck!

Good luck with it!

[Carla Hinkle]

I am right where you are with a 2 yr 4 mo old, except for her it is the pacifier (dummy) rather than the boob. She is hooked on it ... I often need to go in to her in the middle of the night when she can't find it ... I know that she is really too old for it ... and yet I can't face the horror of actually *taking it away*. Ah, parenting. Eventually, we'll both get to a point where the problems of the prop are more of a pain than the using of the prop, and you'll wean and I'll yank the paci. Until then, soldier on!

[bkwyrm]

Lurker just chiming in to say that I was sure (positive!) that night-nursing was causing the nightwaking, so I night-weaned my 16 month old. The nightwakings continued for several months. I weaned her completely when she was 20 months, because I got pregnant again, and at 25 months, she's always up at 6am demanding yogurt and waffles.
Some kids get up early. Some kids don't sleep through the night until they're good and ready. Our nursing relationship turned out to have little-to-nothing to do with my kid's sleep patterns.

[Kathy Napolitano]

You and B need to be the 2 people that decide when it's time to wean. As far as the sleeping... Some day she will want to sleep. If nothing else by college she will have to deal with it by her self. ;) It's too bad others have to second guess our parenting style.

Good Luck.

[Ally]

I nursed my son until he was 25 months old and after weaning, it made not a damn bit of difference. He was still a problem sleeper for more than a year later. We had trouble at bedtime and the early morning waking. Finally at about age 3 1/2 I did the supernanny thing - silently returning him to his bed repeatedly until he got the message.

Anyway, not to scare you, but it's not necessarily the boob.

[Ally]

And we're having bedtime trouble again because the little bugger is napping at daycare. He just doesn't need that much sleep. He's always been on the low end of normal.

[Stacy]

I night weaned James when he was 17 months old. For us, it finally allowed for beter night time sleep. We would usually get 2 good nights and then 1 hard night but it got better from there and by age 2 he was sleeping through the night. He totally weaned at 2 1/2. You should decide when its time to wean.

[yasmara]

We night weaned Younger Son at 16 months (followed shortly by day-weaning because my supply dropped so much) because of sleep issues. I actually had to leave the house for the weekend with Older Son because I couldn't handle the screaming that ensued (my husband didn't mind so much - chalk it up to biology, I think). 2 nights later, we had a kid who (mostly) slept through the night. It literally took me months to recover from the sleep deprivation, though. In his case, my husband & I could tell that the only reason he was waking up was because he was getting rewarded (boob). If the reward disappeared, he would go back to sleep.

[Jenn]

Delurking to say that I am one of those people who was rewarded with better sleeping when I weaned my daughter. Well, to be honest she was always a good sleeper, but she woke at 6 am to nurse every day and then slept for three more hours. Considering my son woke at 6 every day of his life (and it continues now and he's 7!) -- I was willing to do the 6 am feed to have three whole extra hours. I figured she needed it. But when I decided it was time to wean her, that very week she stopped getting up at 6 am to eat, sleeping through to about 8 -- and has been in that routine ever since. I know every single kid is different, and by no means should you wean if either one of you aren't ready. But it did work here.

[Jen]

I am also delurking to say that when I weaned my son at 19 months (went away overnight and no more nursing upon my return) he started sleeping MUCH better. He had been waking in the night/early morning wanting to nurse and started sleeping through the night almost immediately. I didn't mind the wakings that much, as I enjoyed the time with him, and weaned for other reasons, but it may help with the sleep issues for you.

[Dead Bug]

Both of mine self-weaned before they were a year old (dang near broke my heart!) and then immediately started sleeping through the night...for a few weeks. Then they both started the night wakings again for no apparent reason and finally Josh, at around 18 months, started sleeping through again. We tried every approach we could stomach and none of it seemed to help. I have come to the conclusion that there's not a thing I could have done, short of full-on CIO when they were very small, that would have made a difference.

Hoping Botany chooses to be a better sleeper soon. Maybe as an early wedding present?

[Anne]

The "bath toy" story made me laugh. Over Christmas, we were staying with my inlaws, and my daughter (then 24 months) told us she was frightened of two cherub figurines on the night table next to her crib. She's also, at various times, been afraid of dog hairs in her bath and pieces of fuzz on her blankie.

Toddlers.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

I was startled to realise how much Harry's morning boob was a habit and not a need. If I'm not there, he simply doesn't bother. I was, however, astounded when, for the first time in months, I happened to be sat in his customary night-boobing chair at his bedtime. Despite not having had that feed for yonks, he took one look at me, scurried busily over to the boob cushion, and started lugging it towards me with a purposeful expression. Argh! I leapt up and disappeared pronto. I don't miss that feed at all: I can drink wine at 5pm now and everything!

He is still getting boob 4 mornings out of 5, because the little bugger keeps waking at 5.30am and I simply haven't the energy to do the pennine way down to my hidey-hole in the spare room at that time. It's soooo much easier just to bare a boob. BUT! I am totally concealing the fact to most friends and family. I can't stand the embarrassment of being The Freak. And I hate myself for taking note of their opinions, but... it's my BREASTS we're taking about here, people! I get horribly embarrassed by it all. I feel your pressure. And parental pressure is simply dreadful.

How has Botany been when your parents have looked after her and boob has been therefore taken off the table? Could Knox take her out of the cot while you scurry downstairs (I know, I know, 00FUCK:00) and then plonk her in front of the TV - or whatever distraction therapy - until she forgets about it? It'd work for us, it's just the sparrow-fart bit that scares me off.

Hugs to you.

[Betty M]

You don't need to wean yet unless you want to. I doubt it is that which means Botany doesn't need much sleep. I have followed the least resistance school - so what if our bedtime and sleep routine is not textbook Gin.a expletive etc but we are getting just enough sleep and that is more important.

[Eve]

No idea on the weaning, you'll be the expert when it comes to you and Botany, no one else will understand the intricacies. Sounds immensely frustrating! If it is any comfort my darling son who's a month older (I think) sleeps like a dream but probably has about three words, I can't imagine him telling me he is scared - you clearly have a bright little cookie there! One day in the not too distant future she may find reading in bed provides her with the distraction necessary to sleep and divert herself.

[Lily]

Another vote for wean when you want because it probably won't affect waking time. I count a day that starts at 6 as a late morning, and my son's been fully weaned since January. He's now coming up on three, so he usually trundles into our room in the morning, yells, "WAKE UP MAMA!" and then pats me on the cheek while saying "I know! You put on TV, you go back to sleep!" I usually leave him with a sippy cup, some form of breakfast, and George on the TV and go back to bed for an hour.

My son also complains of being scared (of monsters), so we have a bunch of flashlights we leave in bed with him. It seems to help quite a bit.