Tropical Storm Botany

It feels like there is a big, black thunder cloud over my home some days. Once upon a time, Botany's tantrums were like storm squalls at sea. Out of nowhere, she'd lapse into tears, wailing about some freak, unspecified strange little problem- and then, especially as she became more articulate, with a bit of consolation or minor adjustment (take shoes OFF! MOVE tray with the cats on it! SHUT door!), it would pass. But lately, it's become more like a reoccurring typhoon and the duration is longer, fiercer and more draining than I could have imagined. 

Yesterday, for example, Knox and I wanted to take her to one of her favourite places. It's a bit of a drive to get there, though. So to achieve the visit with enough time to enjoy the requisite amount of rapturous gazing at the fish and still be home for naptime*, we needed to get dressed and get going. This was explained to her (at least the part about going to see the fish and the needing to put clothes on) and she seemed to understand.  We somehow wrestled her into a top but then would she suffer a pair of trousers to be put on? No. No, she would not. I gave her a choice of two different items, and she flung both of them in my face. I tried a dress, but it's still cold here and there has to be something underneath to cover the bare chubby legs, so that failed. I say failed but what I mean is she flung it across the room and ran down the hallway screaming like a banshee.  Finally, under duress, we managed to get on a pair of rather nice butterfly adorned sweatpants. I assure you, there was nothing binding or chafing about them that I could see, nor were they an offensive cut, colour or material based prior experience. 

Cue 45 minutes of top volume screaming while clawing at her legs, throwing herself on the floor and generally working into a frenzy so spectacular that I wanted to go hide under the bed. In fact, I think I may have done that at one point.

Needless to say, we didn't end up going. In fact, as this was the start of long, grim siege of meltdowns lasting pretty much all day about one thing or another, I don't think we even left the house. Fortunately it was a holiday weekend and so there was nothing much we particularly needed to go and do, but it was less than fun for all concerned. It was still better than the 45 minutes of Botany's howling and screaming in the confined spaces of the car when we drove up to see Knox's mother last weekend; an experience brought on by Botany wanting her coat on then off then on again, despite being strapped in the car seat hurtling down the motorway. COAT ON! COAT ON! COAT OOOOOONNNN! It is still ringing in my ears.      

This morning, I really needed to go to the store. My office has a tradition of having cake every Wednesday, and we take turns on a constant rotation as the cake provider. As there are about 25 of us, it only comes my way rarely. But of course this week of all weeks, I am on Cake Duty tomorrow. And of course, there is never any cake in my house (or at least not of the sufficient quantities needed to feed the masses). And of course, I could have bought it over the weekend prior to the arrival of Tropical Storm Botany but I am of the view that cake is better when bought fresher and besides, even I am not that organised.

The last "of course" in all this is that "of course", Botany also refused this morning to put on her clothes so we could go get the goddamn cake. I confess to complete exasperation. I hate to admit it, but I resorted to something which I very rarely do, and I raised my voice. I think, in fact, I actually shouted. Yes, yes, I did shout, flagellate away. The funny thing is, perhaps because I so rarely do it, Botany was immediately cowed and ran to me saying OKOKOK and sorrysorrymummy. And stood there in perfect compliance as I dressed her, wiped her little tearstained face and got her coat on. Inwardly, I was a crumpled mess while maintaining a stream of soothing yet upbeat chatter about the delights of cake procurement.     

I know her behaviour is perfectly normal and developmentally understandable and all that, but at the same time, it's very challenging. It's baffling and frustrating- she's not sick or teething or hungry or thirsty or especially tired. I am beginning to feel shaky and less than confident about managing her day to day. I don't want to have to yell at her to get her to comply; however, it's hard to know what to do when nothing else seems to work- not firm, down on the level direction, not reasonable explanations, not walking away, not negotiation. Nothing.  And some days, you know, we need to leave the house, and for us to do that, she's got to be wearing something other than a thin blue onesie with scooters across the chest.    

[*I might normally have been inclined to try to let her sleep in her buggy, but past attempts at this didn't work so well at this particular place. Also, I'd been up with her since 4.45 am, as we seem to be doing on a regular basis these days- on which more next time- so frankly, I was looking forward to a snooze myself.]

Comments

[Katie]

I suggest you shout more!

[Jamie]

Have you seen the tip about granting the wish in fantasy? If a child melts down in front of the ice cream shop, instead of explaining why there won't be any ice cream today, or changing the subject to something un-ice-cream-related in hopes of providing a diversion, you can talk a bit about what a great thing ice cream is. "You want some ice cream! I like ice cream too. What flavor do you wish you could have? I might like a big scoop of coffee. Would you ask the man for sprinkles on top? Cup or cone?" -- all the while walking briskly past the ice cream shop to wherever you actually need to go. A variation is to tell a story about a girl named Botany who went out for a little scoop of ice cream and somehow wound up with the biggest craziest sundae anybody ever saw. If you can make her laugh, you're golden.

When I first read this idea, I thought it was sure to backfire because I needed to get the kid to move on from wanting whatever he was tantruming about. I have found that a little bit of focus on what he wants, along with some acknowledgment that it's just fine to want that thing even if he can't have it right now, has been immensely helpful for my children when they get stuck in a tantrum.

I have five children -- two threw tantrums, two did not, and the youngest is too little to tell yet. It is very, very hard and people can be awful about it, as if better mothering would somehow have equipped your child with a more peaceable temperament. I have been the same mother to all of mine, and sometimes they just have trouble maintaining their equilibrium. Good luck to you.

[Lisa]

Here's my take (and I have two kids, 15 and 11):

You did the right thing by raising your voice.

Raising your voice, even if it's just one notch above your normal tone, says, "I. am. serious." I don't know when sternness (when appropriate) became such a bugaboo, but I wish it would come back. I'm not advocating yelling and/or screaming, of course, but no one's self-esteem is going to be damaged by a parent saying, "This is inappropriate and it's going to stop" in a tone that means business.

Flagellate away!

[Cibele]

I hear you.. Lyla is only 13 months and she is already testing me in many ways. Hang n there

[Hairy Farmer Family]

The toad, Tantrum, is currently squatting on my life. I extend deepest sympathies!

Except, because of poor Harry's speech disorder, we have NO IDEA what he is losing his shit about - except when we say 'No' of course. Then it's reasonably apparent why he is frothing at the mouth. It usually goes someting like: 'No, Harry, you can't walk along the top of the wall, because you have no sense of balance and it will hurt when you fall. Oh dear, you appear to have thrown yourself backwards onto the concrete floor in temper and bashed yourself badly around the bonce anyway. And you have now thrown yourself against that hard chair leg and hurt your ear. Perhaps you would have been better off falling off the wall after all. Please will you stop biting my ankle now?'

To my shame, I have shouted several times in the last few months. None of them worked, perhaps because I have always dissolved into tears on the last syllable. Yelling is essentially me arriving smack up against the end of my tether. Awesome Botany result though!

[May]

My first instinct is that days starting at 4:45 mean that she really IS tired. (And I'm sure you are, too, which does not help.) I'd try and get her sleeping longer to see if that improves things. I found that the Weissbluth book worked best for us. Good luck!

My 15.5-month-old has just started tantrums. I'd forgotten just how much I dislike this part!

[susan]

I can only echo one of the methods previously posted. Try sweet, soothing, empathy with whatever she is howling about:

Oh, Botany, I can see you really, really, really do not want to wear pants. The pants are uncomfortable, the pants are ugly, you HATE the pants, I can see why you HATE the pants, I HATE the pants TOO. They're TERRIBLE PANTS really. Hug, hug, hug, smooth, empathize away until she calms down all while repeating that you understand her.

Then put the pants on her.

Everyone just wants to be heard.

:) Good luck. It all sounds wretched. A hug is coming at you cuz I would have totally lost it.

ps. this assvice brought to you by and infertile with a brilliant BFF that uses this method with tremendous success with her own tantrum thrower.

[maggie]

My daughter who is 2.5 does the same thing...glad to know i am not the only one who has a kid like this. The only difference is that I yell much more than you do...i hate that about me but i am working on it!

[Julie]

Your Botany and my Ben are kindred spirits. He's a bit older but we went through (and still go through, sometimes) the exact same thing. Including the 4:45 wake up call. Just hang in there. It does get better (or so they say...)

[Shanna]

Sometimes the yelling is all that gets through to my almost 16 month old these days. I think that Marjorie's issues are due to her stubbornness in not talking. I know it is stubbornness as I hear her talking before she knows I am at the daycare to pick her up. But at home, just won't do it and instead whines, screams and pitches a fit.
Good luck and you have to do what you have to do. I was a single parent with my son and when I look back I am surprised he can hear due to all the yelling that occurred in his formative years. But he turned out to be a very nice, appears to be well adjusted, young man. ;)

[Maz]

'Toddler Taming' by Christopher Green (real Dr no less!) is my fav parenting book. Lots of common sense tips and just reassurance that its all normal and you're not going to end up on Supernanny. Reading the first few chapters always soothes my soul after a looong day of the terrifying fours (!) when I feel like I want to hide under the bed too!!! (And PS Mucho congratulations about the forthcoming nuptials, yea Mare!!!) Maz xxx

[Laura]

I think Botany and Flann are on secret satellite linkup from Scotland to California - he too is shaking the walls and waking up at ungodly hours of the morning. (I actually did hide under the bed once. Pretended I was simply organizing stuff, but was weeping into a shoe.) And I'm completely impressed that your kid knows, and says, "Sorry." A very good portent.

[wombat]

Oh, my. Botany has always reminded me of my older son. He was colicky, wouldn't nap without being held, etc. The best way to describe him is INTENSE. He feels his emotions very intensely and has trouble regulating them more than other children (his little brother is nothing like that). He is very active and has difficulty controlling his impulses. It is normal and it isn't. Some kids are like that all the time and all kids are like that sometimes. My guess is that Botany, like my son, is more intense than most kids in general, and more frequently. The weirdest, most particular things set him off. He is neither autistic, nor does he have attention or sensory problems. He requires more adult attention and help with self-control than other kids. He has only recently been capable of independent play. We're trying to get him consistently self-regulating before he starts kindergarten.

Here's the awesome part: his biggest struggles are also his biggest strengths. He is so bright, and so articulate and has such good cognitive skills (above his peers). He is curious, a born scientist. He talks non-stop and is SO much fun to converse with. He has an amazing understanding of how things work and notices and subsequently obsesses over wonderful little details about stuff. When he is well-behaved, especially, he lights up a room like a wildfire. Oh, he is a challenge, to us and his teachers. And that is an understatement, but he is also delightful, which is an even bigger understatement. We've struggled to find what works for him, discipline styles, rewards, etc, but we've settled into a good groove (thanks to the brilliant Alan Kazdin). You are a wonderful mother and you are doing the right thing. You love your daughter and you will make the right choices for her, trust yourself! Not yelling is best, you're right about that, but your success rate at that is simply astonishing. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Oh, it's tough, and I'm pulling for you. The rewards are worth the pain (like your INSANE childbirth!) There are other people in the world with a child like yours, but not everyone has a child like yours, so don't feel bad if you feel different than the other moms/kids. You probably are, and that's okay. You'll meet parents that TRULY understand and you'll feel so much better. Good luck!

[Zip n Tizzy]

My favorite mothering moment comes when I hear myself yelling, "I don't want to hear any more yelling!!!"
It happens.
The important thing to remember is that a loud house is very different from a mean house. Sometimes we need to raise our voices to be heard. It's what we say (or don't say) when raising our voices that matters.

[Betty M]

Uggh tantrums are a nightmare for all concerned. I never handled them well - ending up yelling and crying along with her. They do pass though. Which was a good thing as I could never find a sure fire works every time strategy.

[Val]

Sometimes one must yell. No way around it. I had to do it with my goddaughter at the zoo. She was having a tantrum, and would not obey to the point it was getting dangerous.

It's not bad for a kid to get a raised voice once in awhile. The problem is if it becomes the norm. I doubt that will happen in your case.

[Amyesq]

Starting the twos early, I see. She is the pretentious one. I have no advice, since I am in the thick of it myself. My favorite is when one of them throws their bear down and says, "No bear! BEAR!! Wahahaha beaaaaarrrrr!!!" only to throw it down and repeat the above phrase once I am stupid enough to get it for her. That lasts, oh, one go.

Although it does sound like for Botany, the occasional yelling is the way to go.