Temporary surfacing

I had this somewhat wacky notion that once the wedding over, I would find myself with more spare time. The reality is that in the months leading up to the event, and during all the planning, I was simply burning the candle at both ends even more than usual- stretching myself to 11.30pm or midnight (or even later) bedtimes, instead of the more sensible 10pm needed to maintain the health and sanity of someone needing to get up again at 6am with a lively toddler. Now that the normal routine has resumed, I have discovered that there is still the same endless amount of stuff to do in the short space of evening once Botany finally goes to sleep, bar fretting over place settings and menu choices and play lists of music. To my disappointment, I also realised that a backlog had accumulated in other places- long overdue emails still needing to be sent. A winter wardrobe woefully in need of freshening up. The festive season wriggling like chorus girl in her underwear, one foot in her stockings and half made up, but about to burst forth into as a full blown Christmas diva, demanding cards and presents and lovingly hand crafted decorations.   

For the moment, though, my foot has had to come off the gas a little. Part of it is Knox's influence- he is much better at chilling out than I am. I am trying to give myself permission to get to bed at a reasonable hour, even though everyday it means I leave a list of items undone. When I get a minute for some down time, I am forcing myself to take the opportunity to relax a little. And I am becoming aware that my body- and perhaps my mind- really needs it. When E. came to take Botany for the day over the weekend, I went back to bed, thinking I would have a short nap, and I woke up five hours later. Tonight, instead of sitting writing the gazillion thank you cards that are now a month overdue, I sat melded to the sofa, watching some mindless pap on television for an hour. 

It feels more surfacing for a short time, before taking a long breath before the next deep, deep dive, than a permanent change of pace. That's particularly true, in that it looks like we're going to solve the Knox employment/two city conundrum by buying a business to run. The location is perfect in that it's just up the street from our flat. The downside is that he's never run a business of this type before and it's a little risky and at least initially, it's likely to be incredibly stressful and consume all of his waking moments. Which means that I'll probably continue to shoulder much of the burden of running our home- I'm in a happy position in that I feel confident about managing it, given that I've basically done so for this long, but I also feel a bit weary about the whole prospect. I was ready for things to get a little easier; however, I'm becoming resigned to the idea that there is no perfect solutions and there are a hell of a lot more pros to at least having Knox and I living in the same place seven days a week. And if nothing else, it's going to be fun and challenging and exciting, though possibly in the same way that paddling a canoe through a crocodile invested swamp gets the heart rate going.  

Oh, and Knox really wants to start trying for us to have a baby together, as soon as possible. It's of course far from being the optimum time but the old saying is true in that there never really is a perfect time, is there?  I turned 39 a few weeks ago and it's difficult to have a conversation about our future without being drowned out by the sound of the ticking toward the deadline of the expiration of any remaining fertility. And other than a panicked sense of being about to run out of time, the thoughts I have about the whole idea of a second child are so complicated and confused I am not even sure how to begin talking about it except to say Oh. My. God. 

Comments

[a]

I don't think life ever really slows down...and when it does, we all complain that we're bored! I wish you great success with your new business venture!

[Dead Bug]

From one preposterously over-extended control freak to another, let me just say that two is an exponentially wilder ride than one, but, as with rollercoasters, the thrill is that much more intense.

Wishing you great luck on all fronts--business, reproductive and otherwise.

--Bugs

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Hearing you loud & clear! The 6ams... the new and scary business (I keep reciting that Eminem lyric: 'Success is my only M***erf**kin option, failure's not.') and the niggling feeling that I'm older than I'd like to be. What I do not have is your immense energy and heroic approach to Getting On With Everything. I am incapable of getting Harry or myself anywhere on time, let alone holding down a full-time job. You are amazing! Best of luck to you both.

[Stephanie]

Oh my- life keeps moving, doesn't it? Definately down time is good, and relaxing. Good luck with you and Knox- maybe since he's more relaxed in nature, a child with him would be the same? My sister's first child was very intense, similar to how you describe your daughter- but her second and third were *much* easier babies. So it is possible.

[Betty M]

Good luck with the new business. I'd definitely cancel any idea of hand crafted decs - and if you wait long enough the thank yous can go with the Christmas cards!

[Alexicographer]

Oh gosh, it had quaintly occurred to me that your getting married and all might result in ... or at least contribute to ... your having another child. You may find the thought complicated and confused but I, as someone who will not have to deal with the, ah, logistics and who is unlikely to get to do so on my own behalf (39? Ha! I see your 39 and raise you to nearly 41! With failed-vasectomy-reversal-induced azoospermia! And a long history of poor response to stims! And increasingly irregular cycles! Oh geez...)? I am thrilled at the prospect. Here's hoping.

[sheilah]

Good luck with the business. Is this something that Knox has wanted to do for a while? If so, good for him for trying to fulfill his dream (and you rock for supporting him).

As for the baby bit, I will keep everything crossed for you. Good luck!

[Lut C.]

Good luck with the business and the change of pace.

I can imagine the idea of trying for another baby brings back lots of lovely memories. I hope it turns out to be much less trying.

[Lucrezia]

Don't have anything insightful to say, but good luck! With everything, and it sounds like a lot, but you will get through it. One step in front of the other.

[Anna H.]

Glad to hear you're breathing, sweets -- you need it!

Thinking of you, K and Botany as you continue with all the exciting changes.

xoxo

[Melissa]

Good luck with the business! As far as a second child all I can offer is this: I'm almost 38 and have been trying for six months. I wavered on the idea of a second child for a long time -- we have been fully "lapped" by almost everyone we know. We are living in the most fertile place on earth or something. I just couldn't commit to a second child even though I KNEW that I wanted a second child. I tried to picture our life when our daughter is 8 or 10 and it felt...lonely. One child just seems lonely. I see her little friends with siblings and I want that for her so much. I wish we had thrown caution to the wind months earlier. I try to be blase about it, but I am really hoping that this month is the month.

[Country Chick]

Good luck with it all. I think a short nap that turns into 5 hours is probably trying to tell you something!