Clean slate

I'm reading all your comments on the last post with great interest; many thanks to those who took the time to respond and share your own experiences.

Since several people asked, I think I may as well address the infertility angle to the discussion about having a second child. Essentially (and as strange as this may sound initially), I have no actual reason to believe that Knox and I are going to have the same experience that E. and I did in having trying to have a child. The only diagnosis, if you can call it that, that E. and I ever received during our infertility travails was "unexplained".  Further evidence would suggest that I can, in fact, get pregnant and carry a baby to term. So,given that history together with starting over with a new partner (with no infertility issues of his own that we know of), I like to think that in most respects, it's a clean slate as far as trying to conceive.

Ha. Just like that, I've canceled my own infertility subscription.

Now, I don't mean to tempt fate and I certainly don't mean to be cavalier about something that dogged my steps in such a terrible way for such a long time. I'm fully aware of the steady drum beat of impending doom that accompanies conception attempts for those of us pushing forty. But at the same time, unless a problem emerges or until there is something to suggest otherwise, I don't see any sense in panicking about ART. In any event, I'm fairly certain that's not a route I would want to go down again. I'm not going to categorically assert that I would NEVER avail myself of assisted conception treatments, since oh ha ha ha, that's exactly what I said when E. and I started trying to have a baby and look where that got me. I like to think that we could approach this on the basis of "well, if it happens, it happens and if not, there is at least a Botany." That we could set out with the equivalent of an infertility living will- no conception by extraordinary means, please.

But the mind is a funny thing, and I'm fully aware that there's a big emotional seismic shift when you discover that the thing you sort of wanted but weren't quite sure about? Oh, you actually can't have it anyway. Whereupon you burn with the white hot desire of a thousand suns for that which cannot be yours, and all bets are off as to what you would or would not do to get it. And I know that I would probably be content with just a Botany for the rest of my life, but Knox? Well, as someone quite rightly pointed out, there's a longing on his side as well that must be recognised, and I'm not entirely sure where it will take us, ultimately. 

My mindset to medical intervention at this point would include egg freezing- I confess I hadn't really considered such a thing. I think, if we were to delay trying, at most we'd be looking at six months or so, which doesn't seem like it's really worth it, somehow. And whether or not it's technically possible to freeze and reuse eggs in my case, neither Knox or I want to be embarking on parenting when we much older than we are now (I'm 39 and he is almost exactly one year younger than me.) If nothing else, dealing with sleep deprivation as we age seems to me a bit like recovering from a hangover- it takes us both that much longer to bounce back. And aside from any of that, it's expensive, it's not widely available in this country, and in light of my current battles to find time to get to the grocery store, I honestly don't think I could manage the scheduling required.

Speaking of scheduling, we change the clocks back here this coming Sunday. In anticipation, over the last few days, I decided I would slowly try to push Botany's bedtime back later so that by the weekend she's on target for a 9pm downtime. Meaning that she will be more likely to wake up at something approaching a civilised hour of 6pm (as opposed to, say, 4 or 5am). Unfortunately, my cunning plans are being thwarted by her persistant renewal of a 5.15am kick off the last couple days- which makes it hard to keep her up past 8pm.  Goddamn DST. I am grumpy and more than a little irritable about it all.

 

Comments

[Michelle]

Be careful. We'd given up when I magically became pregnant with my son. Relaxing and all that crap.

Now I'm 40 and it took us 18 months to get to today's second beta. According to my 3 day scans and my RE 6 months is HUGE at this point our lives.

[a]

That's the problem with 39...it feels urgent even when you don't want to rush anything. I wish you luck with your family building decisions...

[Lut C.]

DST should be abolished. NOW!

I sometimes wonder if I would still be an IF patient if I had a different partner. It's not something I'm keen to actually figure out though, given the choice.

That you're not eager to even think about doing ART again is no surprise. It's a pain.
Different pain than the first time, but a pain still.
I hope you won't have to.

[Alexicographer]

I still remember your urban legend post, fondly, and had had the same thought about you and E. Certainly I wish you smooth sailing, whatever path(s) you employ.

[anna h.]

as alexocogrpaher said, i'm wishing you smooth sailing on lovely, calm seas.

xoxo

[wavybrains]

I didn't get a chance to chime in below. You and I were pregnant at the same time, and at 2 my DD is still just as spirited as Botany sounds. We've gone back and forth on when-if-when-if-when to have a second. What's funny is that even though it took us so long to get her, we have these long discussions as if we have any control over it. I honestly think that the decision may be harder than the actuality. We just "tried" this month in a very half-hearted fashion b/c I seem to be unable to commit fully, and that's just where we are right now--taking it month by month. If I don't get pregnant by not-trying-trying, we'll probably start really trying in the Spring. However, I'm 31, so hopefully we have a bit of time. Since time is a factor for you, perhaps you could not-try-try for a few months until you get your bearings. Particularly if you are still nursing, you might not be the most fertile right now anyway and not-trying-trying might let you adjust to the idea slowly.

I also wanted to urge you to talk more with Knox about his parenting philosophy(which you have probably done)--I remember a few months ago when he was really pushing for you to wean. It's possible that he would take a more active role in parenting a biological child from birth (not that he's not active with Botany, but he probably lets you drive the decision making), and it might be a good idea to make sure that you are on the same page re: breastfeeding, tandem nursing (if Botany's still nursing), where the baby sleeps, what happens when babies cry, etc BEFORE the pregnancy hormones make such discussions harder. I have seen with several people that step-parenting with someone can be different than parenting with that same person.