Fluffy bunnies, flee!

I've finally figured out the key to wreaking life-changing events upon myself: decide to hang up the blog. That was the intention- at least for awhile until I rediscovered some mojo. I've toyed with that notion a great many times over the last few months but I was really quite far down the path of actually doing it this time. I even had the "going-on-hiatus" post all drafted up (with a cute picture at the end! With a beach scene and everything!). But something made me hesitate to hit the publish button- so I slept on it.

I had an appointment the next day for a aromatherapy massage- a long overdue Christmas present from Knox. And given that I knew there was a possibility this month, it crossed my mind that it was a good a time as any to do the very last pregnancy test in the box from an earlier bulk *bay purchase-though like many things, my enthusiasm for testing had fallen by the wayside somewhat in the last couple of months.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but two lines. Two. The second test line on the faint side but clear enough to be seen in the picture I took on my iphone a couple hours later. I promptly ran out, purchased four more tests and used up three over the course of the weekend. All positive- and by today, quite obviously so. Whaddya know, I am apparently pregnant (standard issue caveat: for now).

Now for some frank confessions- lest the perception be that I am deliriously happy about all this and fluffy bunnies start dancing the conga down a pregnancy ticker at the bottom of the page. I am, to be honest, COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT, quite spectacularly so. I was excited- wildly elated- for about two hours and then I heard the baby next door crying. It was like an anvil crashing down on my head, followed by overpowering panic. Oh my god. Oh my gooood. But I wanted this, didn't I?  And then it was like having one of those crash zoom moments, where the past three and half years of Botany's birth, newbornness, nightmare behaviour from 18 months to 2 years, weaning, potty training -zip through my brain in slow motion- and I was suddenly kneecapped with panic at going through all of it- any of it- again. The prospect of more sleep deprivation of the type experienced in the not too distant past makes me feel all weepy, not to mention exhausted even typing this.

And then there are the statistics and don't get me started on that. I imagine that even a few minutes of searching "pregnant over 40" on Google is enough to send even the most stalwart diving for cover under the kitchen table. It could all end tomorrow. The internets say there is a reasonable chance that it will- or that there will be problems, horrid problems. Of course, in the interests of balanced reporting the internets also say otherwise, a fact I will try to remember when I am done breathing into a paper bag. And leaving all of that aside, there is the need to sort out, once for all, the underlying ambivalence I have had this whole time about the prospect of a second child which I stuffed away because lalalalala, I figured I was too old, too past it to get pregnant to really worry about it actually happening.

That's where a blog comes in, and I think I am going to need to write at least a little about it, in search of some form of clarity, for as long as it lasts. I think fluffy bunnies may be in short supply initially. If aspects of it seem in any way whiny or ungrateful (because I am actutely aware how it might seem that way, especially since the opportunity that has landed in my lower lap is one many people would give anything for) then this is maybe the time to start to look- oh, over there.

 

Comments

[Stephanie]

Oh my. Congratulations and I dearly hope everything turns out well and you have an easier time of it this time. Is this the time where I should trot out the stories of my sister's second? Her first was rather high maintenance ( much like your stories of Botany ) but her second was much, much easier. Slept round the clock ( and at all the right times), good eater, not fussy, etc., etc., etc.

[Sami]

Oh my... Congratulations and well fluffy bunnies be damned. I totally understand that panic as at times I still am quite panicked. Here's hoping we can have some fluffy bunnies on your blog in the near future. For the moment... nothing bad has happened. Hang on to that thought.

[Mel]

Congratulations! You write exactly what you need to write -- let it out.

[Jill]

No matter how much I wanted to get pregnant, each time I did I spent some time panicking and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.

I'm happy for you, and hopeful there are lots of bunnies in your future.

[a]

Maybe the fluffy bunnies will arrive eventually. I understand the panic. Meanwhile, congratulations and good luck.

[Kate]

Congratulations!

[ksmaybe]

Congratulations :) If I recall correctly, the fear is standard issue with the 2nd line.

[Sara]

Congratulations. As others have commented, I think that fear is a normal response. I hope that happiness arrives soon.

[Sara]

P.S. That's it. I'm quitting blogging. ;-)

[Alexicographer]

Congratulations.

Maybe I should have started blogging.

But I am firmly in the one-line situation -- not by choice -- and fully understand (and embrace) ambivalence. I would love another. But to be honest, it's just as the one I've got has crossed the line to four years old that I am starting to feel I have moments of my life back (and this is with a partner who is out of the workforce by choice, and a kid who is I think among the easiest going out there. Well, you know, if you forgive him for being the offspring of the energizer bunny even though our RE insists he used my husband's sperm and -- hello! -- DH has never even seen the energizer bunny).

In short, ambivale ;) away. Though (full disclosure) depending where I am in my own I may or may not be able to stop by and embrace your ambivalence through mine.

[Carla Hinkle]

Congratulations...I think ambivalence is completely normal no matter where you fall in the fertility spectrum. Fret away!

[Christa]

Congratulations and good luck. I think the thing to keep in mind is that every child really is an individual. There are things that were easier/harder between my first and second. For example, my first was a dream at restaurants and we ate out all the time. Second was a nightmare, but it didn't matter because we had no money to eat out (due to the economy and job changes), so that worked out well. The first one had terrible separation anxiety and the second one is so hungry for playtime with other kids he barely has time to say bye at preschool. So, I am not saying that two is a cakewalk, but it is definitely not a rerun.

[Pamela]

Congratulations, you should have known the second you booked a holiday in the sun that would happen, no cocktails for you. Hope it's all inclusive so you can pig out on food.

[Anita]

Congratulations! And with a 5 year difference between our son and our twins (and multiple m/cs between), I understand the elation and the fear. Both are warranted. :-)

[VHMPrincess]

WOW! And YAY! And Congrats!!!! The fear is totally normal, but I am so happy for you guys!!!!

[Chickenpig]

Congratulations!!! I am very happy that you won't be hanging up your blog.

Take a deep breath and relax if you can. You have all the experience from your first, the second will be a breeze. Of course, my first was twins, so everything seemed easy in comparison. :) You have every right to be ambivalent. I had all the same feelings when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, and I had fertility treatments to conceive her!

[Ali]

Congratulations! Also, I promise you that it is a little bit easier with number two. There will still be the lack of sleep and some crying and someone constantly attached to your boob but it IS easier. You know what your doing and babies seem to sense this. You'll be calmer and more prepared for the reality. Also, all babies are different. I've had a non-stop screamy baby (my first), an ultra calm you have to check if she's still breathing she sleeps so much baby and two in between babies. It will be wonderful, I promise.

[Julie]

Mozel Tov my friend! Just remember, no two children are ever alike. What's to say this one won't be a sleep through the night from birth, no tantrum, easy baby? Sending prayers your way!

[sharah]

Congratulations! And I ditto all the comments about "what the hell have I done" with the second. I'm 24 weeks tomorrow with our second, and I'm still freaking out about it.

[Gil]

Is that what it takes? "Okay, I'll decide to hang up the blog!" (Wouldn't that be wonderful!?)

Congratulations! And yeah, fear and uncertainty is standard issue after 40. I'm about to embark on the whole IVF/ICSI thing for a second and I'll be 41 this year. Call me crazy, but yeah, that's life.

Good for you! Still here, still reading, and yay for Botany to (hopefully!) become a big sister!

[It Is What It Is]

Wow oh wow oh wow. I wondered when I'd be seeing this post from you. What you left out is how Knox reacted to the news that YOU ARE PREGNANT!

All things will sort themselves out. For the moment, revel in the fact that you did what so many of have not been able to, and that is, get pregnant, naturally, in your 40s. It is an amazing thing and something to be celebrated.

I, for one, am looking forward to many more posts from you.

[Sue]

Qualified congrats. Hope some security in the prospect of things being successful comes your way soon. I too felt raging fear and anxiety after many fertility treatments to get pregnant with my second (who was actually twins but still). It somehow doesn't kill you even though the PTSD-like memories of the first indicate it should. And, really, when you get a chance to take it all in, it is such a miracle when coming from a place of thinking you might never get to have any children.

So glad you decided to keep sharing your story with us. Maybe the blog can help you sort some of it out as you move ahead. Please, did you tell Knox and how did he respond? Hoping all the best for you, Knox and Botany.

[Hairy Farmer Family]

Are you alright with the C word? You are? I can whisper Congratulations? Awesum!

We are, I think, within 3 days of one another.

[Anne]

Congratulations! When I saw the Two Lines that notified me that my second (wanted, tried-for) child was on the way, my first thought, literally, was "Oh, shit, how are we going to pay for daycare for both of them?"

We worked it out, financially and otherwise, and it (infancy) was hard for all the reasons you already know about, but also so, so cool, that I've never once regretted having another one.

Good luck!!!! Please don't give up the blog! We love you!

[Lynnette]

Hot damn! THAT made my day! Holding thumbs for the next however many months you need. And I can attest to the "kids are different," thing. My twins couldn't be more different, and they're being raised in the same space and time. Yay for you, Knox and Botany!