Here, hares?

Oh, internets, how I love you. I'm sorry if I haven't told you in such a long time but yet again you've proven your mettle in standing by me now. Thank you.

Having spent several days post lines a deux alternately weeping and having heart palpitations, coupled with a total loss of appetite and sleep, I realised quite quickly that I seemed to be experiencing a rather odd and extreme response to what was an entirely planned and hoped for pregnancy. It felt more like somebody had died, which is obviously not the direction we were aiming for.

When Botany woke up complaining about her ear again the next morning, I seized the opportunity to make a back-to- back appointment with the GP that day to have both her ear seen to again and to also to doublecheck if there was anything that could be done about my apparent veering into hormonal insanity. In the end, lovely Knox came along and scooped Botany off for a scooter ride after she'd had her ears inspected (short answer: some redness and possible goop in there, dose with Calpol) so I could speak to the GP without distraction.

The doctor was very nice- although by the end of the consultation he did have the look of someone trying to figure out how to extract the crazy allegedly pregnant lady from his office. Kind Doctor thinks I am having some hormonal reactions (no shit), which are proving rather overwhelming but that everything will calm down. As a concession to my prevailing anxiety about checking everything is OK in there, he's going to refer me as soon as possible to the midwife to get me booked into the system and possibly an early scan, assuming I even get that far.

As far as testing, since I was last on this rollercoaster, they now offer the nuchal scan and blood tests on the NHS, so at least I won't be forking over £350 plus of my own pennies to be told at the end that I had best get an amnio. In an ideal world I might have just skipped the whole nuchal malarkey and gone straight for CVS but according to Kind Doctor, they don't really do CVS all that routinely in Scotland and I would have to pay for it privately. The paying is not so much an issue, the lack of routine might be- since obviously you'd want someone really good carrying out the procedure rather than a practioner who has to look it up in the textbook to remind themselves what a cervix looks like. If any of my readers in the UK have any tips or recommendations on this score as to the CVS option- even if I have to travel to, say, London for it- do let me know, mmkay? I am kind of resigned to the strong possibility that I will be doing the nuchal and then results depending my abdomen meeting up with a long thin amnio needle around 16 weeks but I would be far happier, you know, not to unless the odds are looking decidely dicey at that point. Assuming we even get that far (I can't stop caveating).

In the end, apart from setting up the referral, mostly what Kind Doctor let me do was just talk. It all just came out in a jumble- all of it- panic, fear, worries about abnormalities, feeling too old for this, feeling like I was screwing up my life having been there done that and not wanting to go back. And funnily, by the end of my little verbal outpouring, I felt much better about all it. Much, much better for having out that large lump of fear in the back of the throat. I realised two things: the first is that a lot of it is residual psychological fretting from going through what was a largely traumatic time with Botany. The other is that there are two people involved in this event, and one of them is Knox, who desperately wants a child- and why shouldn't he? It's not all about me.

By the time I went to bed that night, I was consumed by desire for this pregnancy to work out ok, so much so that I couldn't sleep again but for slightly different reasons. So I seem to be back on a fairly even keel, for now. My mantra at the moment are all cheesy cliches and they are working pretty at the moment. One day at a time. Enjoy it while it lasts. What will be will be.

Next time: the story of telling Knox! I can reveal he knew slightly before aromatherapy massage guy- but only just. Later that weekend I also proceeded to tell some random dude from whom Knox bought a surfboard (since it was a good excuse for me not to buy the second spare one he had in his van, even though Knox went back for it later anyway). Then closely followed by- OH, HELLO INTERNETS- the whole world.

Comments

[It Is What It Is]

Again, I am thrilled for your news and the resultant more often posts about it.

I can imagine being somewhat shell-shocked, given your previous 'infertility' that you actually did conceive naturally. It's funny how shocked we can be when things work out like they should.

Thank goodness you have 40 weeks to warm to the idea :)

[Alexicographer]

This all makes perfect sense to me.

Also, pulling out my usual drum, changes in thyroid function are common in early pregnancy and can produce, or at least contribute to, the kinds of ups and downs (or is it downs and ups) you are feeling -- so hopefully TSH was among the things checked, and if not, it may be worth having that drawn soon. Since, as I know you know, that one is often treatable.

[B.Mare]

Ah, yes- forgot to mention. TSH check on Tuesday coming. :)

Mare

[thalia]

I do have advice, but of course. You go to Prof Nikolaides, prob at his private clinic, the fetal medicine centre on harley street. It is a not for profit foundation and the 12 week screen costs 120 quid (unless they've put prices up recenlty which is entirely possible). If you book in on a weds then the prof is there and can do the CVS on the spot if the numbers warrant it, he will advise you either way. He pretty much inveted the test, so if anyone is going to do a CVS, I think he'd be my top choice.

I totally understand the anxiety. A little mazel tov from me until you get more news.

Btw don't wait to go through the system, just show up at your local EPU and say you've had spotting and you need a scan, if the anxiety gets too much. They are unlikely to turn you away.

PPS, did I gather from facebook that you are in the big smoke?? Call me...

[a]

Sometimes the venting is all that's required - actually saying your fears out loud helps lay them to rest. Much luck over the next several months.

[Dead Bug]

Oh, man, it's like you were right there inside my head yet again. For the first couple of weeks I truly flipped out and wondered if we had made a terrible, terrible mistake, for all the same reasons you describe. I do blame the hormones to a point, but at the same time everything you're frightened of--potential abnormalities, the newborn sleeplessness, etc. is completely reasonable to be freaking out over.

As for CVS, my OB was extremely forceful in saying that I should go ONLY to the best guy in the Bay Area (who does eight or ten CVS procedures a day), because there is a higher risk for MC than with amnio, and even the guy nearby who does one or two per day might not have quite the same expertise. With CVS as early as 10 weeks, you can skip all the preliminary tests and cut right to the chase--no AFP, no nuchal, etc., with the only remaining tests (neural tube defects, other visible issues) done during the big ultrasound at around 16 weeks. (BTW, the CVS nurse actually did a nuchal measurement prior to the CVS just because the little guy was in perfect position for it, and she knew we'd be reassured--not sure if this is standard practice or just a nice bonus.) I didn't really feel like there was any way I'd be sufficiently reassured by a screening test at my age, so getting CVS super early was an easy decision...but I'm paranoid like that.

Hoping, hoping and hoping some more that you get nothing but good news at your next appointment.

[Sara]

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better about everything. Best of luck moving forward.

[Dr Spouse]

They are pretty good at this sort of thing in Liverpool I believe.

Sounds like a very stressful situation.

[Diana]

So (caveat) so (caveat) SO (CAVEAT) HAPPY FOR YOU. Take it one day at a time with joy at every step (along with overwhelming panic, I'm sure). The Internets are with you!

[Betty M]

Completely seconding Thalia on the FMC. I went there every pregnancy and they were brilliant.

[Lut C.]

I'm catching up on all fronts, happy to read such good news!

[Cathy]

Love that caveating line. Glad you are feeling more at ease. Sending you good vibes from Boston, Mare.